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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Not happy with the idea of being tracked.

218 replies

MattMurdock · 30/05/2017 23:06

DW wanted me to install an app so she can see where I am (and me her) at all times.

When I said I didn't like the sound of that she said why what do you have to hide.

I don't have anything to hide, but I don't feel the need to know where she is 24/7 and I don't like that she wants to be able to keep tabs on where I am.

She's saying that it was just interesting and reassuring but I feel that its controlling and shows a lack of trust.

AIBU to feel upset about it. She's saying to forget it if that's how I feel but I'm worried that if I don't install it she'll feel that I do have something to hide.

OP posts:

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indigox · 31/05/2017 00:17

If you were a woman everyone would be screaming LTB.

unicorn5629 · 31/05/2017 00:19

The problem with these facilities on phones is that it can cause ordinarily reasonable look like stalkers. Because it's there it's oh so tempting to use it no matter how much you trust your DP.

My DH used to have it, I'd only check it when he was supposed to be on his way home from work (mainly because I'd like to see how far from home he was as I'd be excited to see him!) he's since changed phones and we've not reinstalled it and I've not missed it!

I think you should only be concerned if she's really pushing this point of you having something to hide. If this app wasn't thrust in her face she wouldn't even be considering it! So ask her what's changed !!! :)

LauderSyme · 31/05/2017 00:20

That's an unfortunate generalisation Matt - unless by "a woman" you mean your wife.

LucyLocketLostIt · 31/05/2017 00:22

This wouldn't have bothered me.

WatchingFromTheWings · 31/05/2017 00:29

I wouldn't allow my DH to keep an eye on me like that. Not that I ever go anywhere other than home, work and the shops.

But if after 20 years of her having no reason to suspect you of anything, I'd say she's more likely just curious to try a new app out.

You're right to say no to it if you're not comfortable with it though.

grungeneverdied · 31/05/2017 00:35

Fuck that quite simply

MattMurdock · 31/05/2017 00:47

Lauder, sorry yes a sweeping generalisation.

WFTW: Its not new though she does this with DD and is constantly checking her location, but then again DD is a child and knowing where she is at all times is part of parenting as far as DW is concerned.

OP posts:

PickAChew · 31/05/2017 00:49

DH and I are all mod cons but absolutely no way.

SparklyUnicornPoo · 31/05/2017 01:34

I would be really annoyed if DH wanted to get it. We generally know where each other are anyway, I'd just feel like I was being checked up on and it would make me feel like he didn't trust me.

NarcsBegone · 31/05/2017 01:37

I wouldn't have an issue with this unless it was only because they didn't trust me. I think it's useful for being able to see where they are in relation to for example, putting on dinner or if there's an incident, you're concerned. I have tracking on my ds as I'm able to see he's got to school ok or is on way home, I can see what battery he has left and if he loses his phone I can lock, locate and play loud sound. I also have two friends on one of my tracking apps as we are off on holiday together, somewhere we don't know, and want to be able to find each other, it's also reassuring for me that someone knows where I am as no one else gives a shit and it gives me a little security. I have a debilitating medical condition that can strike at any time and they are able to track me to help.

FritzDonovan · 31/05/2017 02:56

So what? If she has it to check on dd you're not against it in principle, just the fact that YOU don't want her to know where YOU are. If she finds it reassuring to know where dd is, she might want it for the same reason for you.
You both have different views on the app use, maybe your refusal to even entertain the idea of using it is giving her cause to doubt your commitment? (as if you would admit to any other reason here ).
I'm assuming if she rang you when you were out and asked where you were, you would tell her (if not, why not?), so how is this any different?
Unless you do have a reason for wanting to keep your location secret, I don't see the issue. It's only stalking if she followed your every movement for no useful reason. Do you commute? Are you sometimes late in and didn't let her know? Do you let her know where you'll be usually?

MrsTerryPratchett · 31/05/2017 03:02

Is she anxious or paranoid? Because I can't see why you would sit staring at this otherwise.

We have it on our phones for Zombie Apocalypses earthquakes but if he made me, I wouldn't have it.

Pallisers · 31/05/2017 03:30

Unless you do have a reason for wanting to keep your location secret, I don't see the issue.

You don't need to want to keep your location secret to not want to be tracked like a dog.

Do you commute? Are you sometimes late in and didn't let her know? Do you let her know where you'll be usually?

Like seriously? you wear a tracking device if you sometimes get late in and don't let your partner know? I'd divorce my partner if he thought this was ok.

If it work for a family, that's fine, Otherwise not ok,

MyNameIsntTaken · 31/05/2017 03:45

I get why some people like those apps, they're very reassuring sometimes. We don't have them on our phones, but I won't say I've never thought about it when anybody is late back and I'm worrying about them, but then I'm the type that is always worrying about things happening to people.
I know lots of people like it for that reason alone, nothing to do with being stalkerish.
If somebody doesn't want it though, then they don't want it, nothing more to be said. It's a tricky one too, because it's like if you've got nothing to hide why not use it, but then if you trust them why would you need it. I see why people don't like them too, just seems so big brother.

cheeseismydownfall · 31/05/2017 03:54

I think this is a tricky situation. DH and I have it on both our phones and it is absolutely not a big deal for either of us. I often use it to check if he is on his way home so I can judge when to start cooking dinner. And because DH often commutes by bike I sometimes check that he has made it to work ok - so in that sense it is I find it "reassuring". Perhaps your wife meant it in this sense - which is nothing to do with trust / distrust. I've no idea how much my DH checks on me, but occasionally he'll send me a text along the lines of "enjoying a nice lunch?" if he can see I'm at a restaurant. It's 100% in jest and doesn't bother me in the slightest. It has honestly never occurred to me to feel stalked! I do understand that not everyone would feel the same. But I think it is harsh of some of the other posters to imply that your wife is a stalker and has massive trust issues. It may simply not seem like a big deal to her, but by refusing you have made it into a big deal iyswim. Not that I think you are wrong, but it's a difficult mismatch of expectations.

NightWanderer · 31/05/2017 04:09

There's a huge difference between calling someone and asking where they are and tracking someone. A friend of mine's husband can check her credit card online. One day he commented about where she had lunch and she was furious and only uses cash now. She has nothing to hide but hates the idea of being checked up on.

Mumblebeebee · 31/05/2017 05:33

My DP installed similar app on everyone's phone in the family.

Each person can turn it on or off.

I love it as I can time tea exactly, knowing the appropriate time people will arrive home.

I don't see the issue with this. If you don't have signal it doesn't work, it also doesn't work if you disable it for periods of time.

When it works it stops me worrying, and helps with planning.

FritzDonovan · 31/05/2017 05:41

So the answer is to look at how and why she wants to use it. Many pp have given legitimate reasons, which make life run more smoothly because of it.
My OH commutes long distances on a bike, so can't ring home if he's caught in traffic or whatever. We like to eat together as a family when he gets in, I need to know approximately when to start cooking, a tracking app would help the timing of this. Pretty sure this doesn't mean I'm tracking him like a dog. But I'd better be prepared for him to divorce me over it, eh?

Shoxfordian · 31/05/2017 05:41

I wouldn't like my partner tracking where I am all the time either Matt

Hopefully she will let it go as you've said you don't want to use the app

NightWanderer · 31/05/2017 05:50

I think it's one of those things, some people don't mind, some people don't like the idea of it. I don't think it's necessarily a logic thing, it's more of a personal feeling thing. OP has every right to say no.

ArgyMargy · 31/05/2017 06:00

Sometimes I hanker after the days before mobile phones.

Scrumptiousbears · 31/05/2017 06:06

I get why you don't want it. Especially as it seems DW is obsessed with it. I'd just say no.

We both have it but we use it sparingly as and when required. No obsessions no accusations. We find it handy in our world.

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Bluntness100 · 31/05/2017 06:09

My husband suggested we install this when it first came out. I said no way.

I've nothing to hide, but the idea of being tracked is creepy to me also.

TheGoodEnoughWife · 31/05/2017 06:21

We use it. Same as others, for planning meals etc. It is really handy but I don't spend my days checking where dh is or him me.

Also if he did't want to use it then I wouldn't be bothered (well maybe a little bit if he suddenly changed his mind about using it)

For a while I could track him but he couldn't track me and he wasn't bothered.

rizlett · 31/05/2017 06:28

Is she a mn user? Someone on here caught their partner lying about where they were because that app had been installed.

I think you are right op - I wouldn't want it either. Is your wife very insecure?

Maybe discuss her feelings about why she feels this is important?

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