Not happy with the idea of being tracked.

[MattMurdock]

DW wanted me to install an app so she can see where I am (and me her) at all times.

When I said I didn't like the sound of that she said why what do you have to hide.

I don't have anything to hide, but I don't feel the need to know where she is 24/7 and I don't like that she wants to be able to keep tabs on where I am.

She's saying that it was just interesting and reassuring but I feel that its controlling and shows a lack of trust.

AIBU to feel upset about it. She's saying to forget it if that's how I feel but I'm worried that if I don't install it she'll feel that I do have something to hide.

[adalpop]

Haven't read the full thread (cardinal MN sin I know!) but came on to say my mum tracks my dad like this and I do think it's a potential vehicle for abuse.

She's an insecure, unpleasant nightmare of a person who has also over the years read diaries, installed keytrackers and surveillance equipment "to keep an eye on everybody". All of these have been found accidentally months or even years later. She's not terribly good at keeping secrets because she enjoys telling you she knows what you've been up to. She checks his phone, reads all his emails and messages and logs into his Facebook account routinely.

He has to text her if we go out for coffee and keep his location on the whole time. He's a henpecked withered old man who doesn't have any friends left at all. I have as little to do with her as possible but escaping was a nightmare.

If a man was insisting on this there would be fireworks about the controlling nature of this.

Don't give in OP, it won't reassure her, she'll just find a new way to worry and nag and control instead. If she's really anxious then she needs to get help for that, not just control you and your daughter more and more.

[ethanrayne]

I wouldn't like it but in these times - if for safety reasons I wouldn't mind. DH works in London quite a lot i - we don't do this but in thinking of an attach scenario it would be useful

[Mustang27]

Wow sounds like my oh he has anxiety issues it is really horrible to feel constantly watched even if it's just to reassure them your not dead. Never sat right with me but I just let him get on with it.

[user1495707114]

She sounds abusive actually. the fact you feel that you have to give in for an easy life or you won't hear the end of it.

The fact that you feel guilty for asserting perfectly appropriate personal boundaries is awful. I would guess even her bringing it up before sex was manipulative.

She sounds manipulative and abusive. And if she were a man, people would be screaming it from the rooftops on this thread. Anxiety or no anxiety.

[Evalina]

Our DDs both at university use this with their housemates, so that they can see who is where - so if they are going home to an empty house, if someone is home to receive an amazon delivery etc, or to help if they are meeting up for drinks in the city. This seems to be fairly common amongst all of their friends.

DH and I have also been using this for years, and find it really useful, as we both travel for work, and I recently added my Mum to our circle as she looks after DS sometimes, and can see how we are doing with getting home and time bringing him back more accurately.

If you don't want to install it, then of course that's fine, but it seems a bit paranoid to assume that your DW suggesting it means she is going to stalk you. She probably just sees it as a useful tool.

[FritzDonovan]

Thanks for the massive drip feed update OP. You seem to be saying that she is seeking reassurance while you're away, and you refuse point blank. I don't know what has happened prior to this in your relationship, but from experience (and what I have read on here) ppl rarely have doubts completely out of the blue. So she's worried (or at least slightly anxious) for some reason, out of the blue. You refuse to reassure her, become defensive and withold sex (as ppl say on MN). You don't discuss it and try and find out what she's worried about or why. She should just take your word. In other threads this would be labelled as red flags. You should be trying to help her with this (if there are actually no reasons she should doubt you) instead of getting on your high horse about having an app on your phone.

[CouldntMakeThisShitUp]

Why do people automatically assume it's the man who can't be trusted/will play away?

Women cheat too - why is nobody jumping to assume that perhaps the wife is having an affair or has something to hide?
Knowing her husbands exact locations would enable her to keep the affair a secret, you know - give the Other Man time to nip out the back before hubby gets home.
She could even use it to spin a convincing story about her movements to cover up the affair.

I don't think the OP deserves to be distrusted and controlled like this.
If she has anxiety issues then a tracking app definitely will not help her - as she has already shown by making the 'stuck in a jam' comment.
OP would be expected to account for any movement that she deemed suspicious/not normal.

OP - i suggest your wife seek professional help to deal with her anxiety and the way she controls her daughter.
Knowing that her mum snoops and invades her privacy - and she has no choice in the matter - will only make your DD better at hiding things.
Also, what does it teach her? That she has has no rights to privacy/autonomy?
That it's ok for someone/bf to invade her privacy to this extent?
That it's ok to be controlled and monitored because it's all done for her own good?

Can you imagine if your DD ended up with a bf/husband who tracked and controlled her like this?
Would she recognize it as abusive behaviour or would she think it's completely normal?

[CondensedMilkSarnies]

I guess I'm old fashioned , I just don't understand the need to know everyone's whereabouts all the time.
I knew what time DD and DH left school and work and would prepare dinner for a time I knew they'd be home. If they were ever held up I would expect a text to tell me.

[FritzDonovan]

Christ, how many times do ppl have to point out that having a 'tracker' app on your phone doesn't mean that you're tracking someone full time like a weird stalker? It just means you don't have to phone up to ask where they are if you need to know eg, stuck in traffic!

[scottishdiem]

Fritz, this is true but the motives of the OPs wife have been stated:

"so she can see where I am (and me her) at all times."

[MattMurdock]

@FD there is a difference between location sharing and GPS tracking.

Recent Android phones already have location sharing built in, if she wants me to switch that on for a specific journey then that is something I would consider but having looked into the app she chose it goes way beyond that.

As well as real time location sharing it also records a location history with data on how you got there such as average driving speed and max speed. You don't have to decide to have a look where the person is as it uses notifications such as when it detects movement over 20mph it will notify other users that a person is driving and it will also notify if you leave or arrived at known locations. Obviously you don't have to have those notifications switched on but they can be.

[FritzDonovan]

Scottish is that actually what she said, or is that what OP implied?
OP, with all due respect, it's pretty irrelevant which notifications are possible if you're DW isn't using them. I'd bet those you mentioned aren't used (or even noticed) by the majority of users of the app. Who, BTW, appear to use it sparingly and sensibly. Not as a stalker. So would you consider trialling it while you are away? Because I rather suspect this may be what prompted the issue of you refusing point blank when she asked.

[mummytime]

If your wife is really that anxious then I think she could do with some counselling.
To be honest the way she monitors your DD is unhealthy. Your DD is likely either to: be sneaky or blow up massively at some point.

And to be honest even if she knows where you or DD are, she can't be sure you are "safe" or what you are doing.

[MattMurdock]

@FD you are choosing to ignore the fact that she choose an app which includes loads of more intrusive features rather than suggesting using features a feature already built into the phone's operating system, which I have said I would consider turning on for the journey.

[Emboo19]

I have find a friend on my phone as does my boyfriend, we both did it more as a knowing where our phones are though, I tend to leave my phone places!!
I do use it when he's working away to make sure he's got there ok, but that's only after him telling me how some of his colleagues drive the van.

Could your wife's anxiety be coming from the recent terror attacks? I only ask as me and my boyfriend went to a gig last weekend and his mum asked us to add her before we went, so she knew where we were incase anything happened. We were happy to do so, to make her feel more reassured.
But I'm not sure what to suggest in your situation, you shouldn't feel you have to do something you aren't happy with, but then I imagine you'd want to reassure your DW as much as possible. Maybe a conversation about why she really wants it?

As a side note my boyfriend knows a fair few men who've been caught playing away from home with find a friend or similar! And a lot of his work friends quickly deleted the app when they heard about it!!

[dailyshite]

I didn't know this was a 'thing' but it sounds awful.

Even with the organisational benefits of knowing when to put the tea on, it would feel intrusive and controlling. If you want tea to be ready when you walk in the door, text when you're a certain distance away.

[MattMurdock]

@dailyshite I simply don't see the advantage.

We already text if we know we're not going to be home at the normal time. We both have bluetooth hand free in our cars so if there is a major hold up we ring, I wouldn't not do that even if there was a tracker running because I would want her to know I'm fine rather than just a static dot on a map.

We have a meal plan, we know who is cooking what, sometimes it's quick and easy sometimes its prepared in advance, we're also big fans of using a slow cooker. Sometime she will text and say go ahead and eat as she'll be late, if its her turn to cook but she's held up then I do it and vice versa, a tracker won't tell us what time either will be home it simply tells you where they are and where they have been.

[MattMurdock]

@Emboo19 she works on the edge of a city which conceivably could be a terror target but I doubt they would do anything on the periphery. We live in a semi rural small town and I work in a rural area so its unlikely.

[Lostinaseaofbubbles]

You really don't want the app. You've listed reasons.

Personally I have location services turned off but if my DP had a smart phone (he doesn't) I'd be tempted to turn them on and install this app.

His daily commute includes walking across a major A road which has no pedestrian crossings so you have to take your life into your hands. I email every morning to check hrs arrived at work safe. I'd probably use it to check he'd managed to catch the train home for tea and to check that he'd got to the station okay in the morning.

But then I have no trust issues, I've been lucky in past relationships and in the 12 years I've been with DP I've had no reason to be concerned at all.

And I also know I have no reason to hide and he'd only use it appropriately too. Probably to check if I'd gone to a playgroup if I'd not replied to an email type thing. (I've been seriously ill and I look after our 3 kids it's fair enough he wants to make sure we are all okay)

[Emboo19]

I think you need to have a sit down and discuss it. Ideally when you've both got time and won't be interrupted, explain what it is you don't like about it and ask what she hopes to get from it. If she has anxiety it won't help her, it's not 100% accurate and it could well give her more cause to worry. Mine once showed my boyfriend in a park/woodland area all night when he was working away from home. I did have a moment of thinking oh no, what if he's been stabbed or something and he's laid there dying and I'm not a anxious person at all!

How much time do the two of you spend together? You mention your hobby, does she have any? I just wonder with the comment about it being interesting if she's bored, or maybe she is worried about other women, if you spend a lot of time apart.

[rolopolovolo]

OP, to some people on this thread, you're a man and she's a woman so she must be justified in tracking you. Probably anxiety or feeling bored. Or maybe (like the women on this thread who would or do use apps to check that grown men have crossed the road) she is so brainwashed by patriarchy that she thinks treating a grown man like a helpless child is appropriate.

If she were a man, you'd be being told to leave her. The reality is that you have absolutely every right to say no.

[Spudlet]

Blimey, that app is a lot more... hardcore than the one we use. We just have the 'Find Friends' function enabled on our phones. Not quite the same thing.

I don't blame you for not wanting that particular app op, but I do think that the greater problem is the upset it's causing... the app seems to be a symptom, if you see what I mean. Do you think couples counselling might be an option for you? Because there must be a reason that she wants this (and that's. It a veiled dig at you, it could be anything) and it seems like you two need to be getting to the bottom of that, maybe with some help along the way.

[Spudlet]

That's not a veiled dig. Fat fingers!

[HmmOkay]

I think you are getting a hard time here, OP.

No way in hell would I do this. And neither would DP. We don't worry about each other when we are apart - it really wouldn't occur to me to check that he got to work every day or anything like that.

This issue is your wife's (anxiety, insecurity or whatever). And her own responsibility to resolve by going to the GP or a therapist or something.

[Lostinaseaofbubbles]

Rolopolovolo. Thanks for the dig but that's a bit harsh!

I say I'd be tempted to suggest it. I also would accept it if he didn't want it.