"But we took you to Stately Homes" - survivors of dysfunctional and toxic families

[toomuchtooold]

It's May 2017, and the Stately Home is still open to visitors.

Forerunning threads:
December 2007
March 2008
August 2008
February 2009
May 2009
January 2010
April 2010
August 2010
March 2011
November 2011
January 2012
November 2012
January 2013
March 2013
August 2013
December 2013
February 2014
April 2014
July 2014
Oct 14 – Dec 14
Dec 14 – March 15
March 2015 - Nov 2015
Nov 2015 - Feb 2016
Feb 2016 - Oct 2016
Oct 2016 - Feb 2017
Feb 2017 - May 2017

Welcome to the Stately Homes Thread.

This is a long running thread which was originally started up by 'pages' see original thread here (December 2007)

So this thread originates from that thread and has become a safe haven for Adult children of abusive families.

The title refers to an original poster's family who claimed they could not have been abusive as they had taken her to plenty of Stately Homes during her childhood!

One thing you will never hear on this thread is that your abuse or experience was not that bad. You will never have your feelings minimised the way they were when you were a child, or now that you are an adult. To coin the phrase of a much respected past poster Ally90;

'Nobody can judge how sad your childhood made you, even if you wrote a novel on it, only you know that. I can well imagine any of us saying some of the seemingly trivial things our parents/ siblings did to us to many of our real life acquaintances and them not understanding why we were upset/ angry/ hurt etc. And that is why this thread is here. It's a safe place to vent our true feelings, validate our childhood/ lifetime experiences of being hurt/ angry etc by our parents behaviour and to get support for dealing with family in the here and now.'

Most new posters generally start off their posts by saying; but it wasn't that bad for me or my experience wasn't as awful as x,y or z's.

Some on here have been emotionally abused and/ or physically abused. Some are not sure what category (there doesn't have to be any) they fall into.

NONE of that matters. What matters is how 'YOU' felt growing up, how 'YOU' feel now and a chance to talk about how and why those childhood experiences and/ or current parental contact, has left you feeling damaged, falling apart from the inside out and stumbling around trying to find your sense of self-worth.

You might also find the following links and information useful, if you have come this far and are still not sure whether you belong here or not.

'Toxic Parents' by Susan Forward.

I started with this book and found it really useful.

Here are some excerpts:

"Once you get going, most toxic parents will counterattack. After all, if they had the capacity to listen, to hear, to be reasonable, to respect your feelings, and to promote your independence, they wouldn't be toxic parents. They will probably perceive your words as treacherous personal assaults. They will tend to fall back on the same tactics and defences that they have always used, only more so.

Remember, the important thing is not their reaction but your response. If you can stand fast in the face of your parents' fury, accusations, threats and guilt-peddling, you will experience your finest hour.

Here are some typical parental reactions to confrontation:

"It never happened". Parents who have used denial to avoid their own feelings of inadequacy or anxiety, will undoubtedly use it during confrontation, to promote their version of reality. They'll insist that your allegations never happened, or that you're exaggerating. They won't remember, or they will accuse you of lying.

YOUR RESPONSE: Just because you don't remember, doesn't mean it didn't happen".

"It was your fault." Toxic parents are almost never willing to accept responsibility for their destructive behaviour. Instead, they will blame you. They will say that you were bad, or that you were difficult. They will claim that they did the best that they could but that you always created problems for them. They will say that you drove them crazy. They will offer as proof, the fact that everybody in the family knew what a problem you were. They will offer up a laundry list of your alleged offences against them.

YOUR RESPONSE: "You can keep trying to make this my fault, but I'm not going to accept the responsibility for what you did to me, when I was a child".

"I said I was sorry what more do you want?" Some parents may acknowledge a few of the things that you say but be unwilling to do anything about it.

YOUR RESPONSE: "I appreciate your apology, but that is just a beginning. If you're truly sorry, you'll work through this with me, to make a better relationship."

"We did the best we could." Some parents will remind you of how tough they had it while you were growing up and how hard they struggled. They will say such things as "You'll never understand what I was going through," or "I did the best I could". This particular style of response will often stir up a lot of sympathy and compassion for your parents. This is understandable, but it makes it difficult for you to remain focused on what you need to say in your confrontation. The temptation is for you once again to put their needs ahead of your own. It is important that you be able to acknowledge their difficulties, without invalidating your own.

YOUR RESPONSE: "I understand that you had a hard time, and I'm sure that you didn't hurt me on purpose, but I need you to understand that the way you dealt with your problems really did hurt me"

"Look what we did for you." Many parents will attempt to counter your assertions by recalling the wonderful times you had as a child and the loving moments you and they shared. By focusing on the good things, they can avoid looking at the darker side of their behaviour. Parents will typically remind you of gifts they gave you, places they took you, sacrifices they made for you, and thoughtful things they did. They will say things like, "this is the thanks we get" or "nothing was ever enough for you."

YOUR RESPONSE: "I appreciate those things very much, but they didn't make up for ...."

"How can you do this to me?" Some parents act like martyrs. They'll collapse into tears, wring their hands, and express shock and disbelief at your "cruelty". They will act as if your confrontation has victimized them. They will accuse you of hurting them, or disappointing them. They will complain that they don't need this, they have enough problems. They will tell you that they are not strong enough or healthy enough to take this, that the heartache will kill them. Some of their sadness will, of course, be genuine. It is sad for parents to face their own shortcomings, to realise that they have caused their children significant pain. But their sadness can also be manipulative and controlling. It is their way of using guilt to try to make you back down from the confrontation.

YOUR RESPONSE: "I'm sorry you're upset. I'm sorry you're hurt. But I'm not willing to give up on this. I've been hurting for a long time, too."

Helpful Websites

Alice Miller
Personality Disorders definition
Daughters of narcissistic mothers
Out of the FOG
You carry the cure in your own heart
Help for adult children of child abuse
Pete Walker

Some books:

Toxic Parents by Susan Forward
Homecoming by John Bradshaw
Will I ever be good enough? by Karyl McBride
If you had controlling parents by Dan Neuharth
When you and your mother can't be friends by Victoria Segunda
Children of the self-absorbed by Nina Brown - check reviews on this, I didn't find it useful myself.
Recovery of your inner child by Lucia Capacchione
Childhood Disrupted by Donna Jackson Nazakawa

This final quote is from smithfield posting as therealsmithfield:

"I'm sure the other posters will be along shortly to add anything they feel I have left out. I personally don't claim to be sorted but I will say my head has become a helluva lot straighter since I started posting here. You will receive a lot of wisdom but above all else the insights and advice given will 'always' be delivered with warmth and support."

I know for most of us the biggest fear is that we will do the same to our own children but I think the very fact that we are on here and critically evaluating ourselves shows that we are very, very different. My m believed and still does that she is perfect, she has described herself as 'beyond critisism'. I don't believe that about myself because I'm not a narcissist.
I know I make mistakes as a parent and I know I will make many more in the future but I am striving to be good enough. For me that means allowing my children to have emotions, allowing (dd especially) to explore her anger when she feels it and look at what's behind it. I always say feelings aren't wrong they just are. I also acknowledge that it's hard to be a family and we all get on one another's nerves, conflict is natural and nothing to be frightened of, mistakes are just part of being human. I don't have to pretend everything is perfect and neither do the dc.

Hi everyone. Haven't posted for a while but thought I'd share a cracker with you all:

I'm currently pregnant and possibly about to be made homeless (major financial stuff from poor investments and money owed to my DH and I had resulted in rent arrears etc., but that's beside the point). I was texting my mother saying I don't know what to do and looking for some helpful motherly love and advice.

She texts me back saying there are worse things happening in the world like going through chemotherapy and that me or my DH didn't even send her a Get Well Soon card.

Just for the record she DOES NOT have cancer. She had a hysterectomy and they found cancer in her ovaries as they were removed. She had to do chemo as an "insurance policy" if you will just to be on the safe side. 6 mild sessions. Both DH and I called her when she first told us and gave her our sympathies so it's not like we didn't care or reach out.

But yes, the fact I didn't send her a Get Well Soon card is much worse than her pregnant daughter whose in financial disarray and potentially homeless. What am I like! Awful awful selfish daughter.

I don't know how she has made this about her!

😂😂😂

@AnxiousNewUser yep, my mum says she feels sorry for my as yet unborn daughter (that took 4 rounds of IVF and £20,000 to conceive so very very much wanted baby) that she's not it's mother and half joked that I should give her up for care to her

**SurvivorNC

God that's awful. I'm so sorry. I feel very confused with my mum because, if I express insecurity about how well I'm doing as a mother, she'll tell me that I'm ridiculous because I'm doing a brilliant job, and that I only doubt myself because of my "issues". But, in practice, I feel undermined by her all the time. I was upset when I posted yesterday because we went out for a family meal with DB and DSIL. I knew DD (who is 18 months) wouldn't be relaxed in a strange restaurant for a couple of hours so I packed a bag of puzzles and books to distract her, but when my mother turned up, she told me that that was ridiculous and that DD always sits beautifully for her when they go out for lunch. So we ended up taking hardly anything to amuse DD and - surprise - DD was bored and stressed and I ended up spending the whole meal walking her up and down and hardly got to speak to the other guests. Which is fine because you have days like that as a mum, but what upset me was that, everytime I brought DD back to the table, my mother made a big thing of insisting on taking her and "oh, come to Nanna"/ showing everyone at the table how good she is at comforting DD. I know that, if I mentioned it to her, she'd tell me it was in my head and that I'm jealous and possessive like her own mother, but I know DB saw it too because he caught my eye across the table and winked.

SurvivorNC, you mum sounds like a total bitch, bet its all disguised in an excess of apparent loveliness, interspersed with evil comments dressed up as 'jokes'.
Anxiousnew, your mum is setting you up for that on purpose, she can only deny it so assiduously because she believes her own lies about how wonderful she is. You have very little confidence as she has been you consistently chipping away at destroying it since you were born. She didn't want you to take anything to amuse dd because she wanted you to been seen to fail as a mother and then for her to step in and rescue you as the perfect grandparent in front of a suitable audience. its all a massive set up. You cannot win with her, the only way to win is not to play.
My mum tells me I'm a wonderful mother but always, always with the implication that it is because of her, I couldn't even tell you how she implies it, she just does!

Survivor

Drop the rope she keeps on holding out to you.

I would not let your as yet unborn child establish any sort of a relationship with your mother. She was not a good parent to you (understatement) and she will not be a decent sort of grandmother to your child either.

bestfakesmile

My parents aren't on facebook but my sister and cousins are and they post photos of 'family days'. I get on well with my cousins but it seems I am just a random person, not a family member.

I moved back here to be with my dp, he was my first love, we reunited and I moved to be with him.

mycatsapirate, can you change your settings on Facebook to stop them coming up in your feed (Im not on Facebook so have no idea is this is possible, but maybe something like that). If you get on well with your cousins you can just message them direct if you want to meet up, but if its hard to juggle nc with parents/sister and keep in contact with them maybe you just need to let go of them and concentrate on your dp, dc and friends that value you. Make yourself so busy socialising with others you'd have no time to see family even if you wanted to.

Thanks all for your lovely responses. I think it makes life a little easier that she lives abroad so we won't have to see her often at all and that means my daughter won't have the chance to develop a close bond with her.

I'm also terrified if I live my daughter in her care she will make "jokes" about how pathetic and useless mummy is. Also she has told me she has no qualms abut smacking her grandchildren. She smacked me as a child and I grew up to be scared of her. I don't want the same for my kids.

I just want to echo what bestfakesmile said about setting you up to fail. So true! It's all calculated but most likely subconsciously as they've been playing this sort of game all their lives.

And yes to all of our parenting or personal achievements being because they were SUCH good mums to us. My mother never lets me take credit for my achievements - if I do well at something it's because she "brought me up so well".

leave, not live!

I've had a really horrible day today. Had to spend all day at work with a narcissist who has bullied and belittled me for years, she never even bothered to disguise it. I medium chilled pretty well I think but it was really tough going, a lot of energy is needed to resist old patterns of behaviour. She really nastily tried to start an argument/power struggle out of nothing. I started to say something, she immediately jumped on with an very aggressive counter-argument which was totally irrelevant to what I was actually going to say. I kept telling her that she'd misunderstood me but she kept on the same tack and argued more vociferously which would have been funny if I wasn't so exhausted by it. This happens virtually every time I am at work with her.

Then I saw my mum- yay! We chatted as if everything was normal (not that it ever has been) then she started back where we left off the other day asking when I was going to stop being so hard and distant. When were we going to go back to our normal relationship? I basically told her that our old relationship was based on me not expressing my feelings and the new one will also be based on me not expressing my feelings. The only difference is now I know that it is her preventing me because if I express anything like criticism i know she will go nuclear. I was very calm and concise and made it clear that our relationship was on a whole new footing.
I know our relationship was co-dependent now it's medium chill, I'm afraid I am putting a little too much chill into the mix but I just don't give a shit because actually what can she do to me? None of these people have any power over me. They can only get emotional and cry at me, but crocodile tears never hurt anyone.
Jesus, I am fucking knackered by it all though.

I think work is most exhausting because literally every sentence she utters to me is dripping with narcissistic malice. I have to grapple every syllable I utter and every bit of body language to disguise any reaction it's causing.

Ugh, I'm so sorry - I had a friend with a truly toxic mother who did the same to her with regard to periods. Actually, my friend's mother intentionally left her in the dark about her own body to the point where we were having a conversation about periods and it became apparent to me that my 30 year-old, married friend didn't understand the correct meaning of the words "puberty" and " menopause" - she told me twice in the same conversation that she'd had a "late menopause" aged 15 (I thought I'd misheard her the first time). Her mother was also hugely self-absorbed and didn't seem to give a shit about preparing her daughter for life.

I have dipped into this thread now and again and I feel some resonance with some peoples experiences but although I have a very dysfunctional family I am sure others in this thread have had a much rougher time than I have had.

I want to contribute to this thread and explain my situation but it is incredibly difficult to know where to start.

I have a question for you all though.

How do you tell if you are the problem or they are?

My mother and father split when I was around 8 in a very viscious and violent divorce.

With my mum it is easier for me to say that she has major issues as she has alienated everyone in her life and has battle after battle with different people/institutions. She has big anger issues which resulted in her hitting me with the wire end of a feather duster when I was young (as an example).

My dad however constantly makes me feel like I am the problem. He is ultra manipulative and constructs a narrative where he is nothing but a loving father and I all our problems stem form my behaviour.

For years I thought I was at the very least the problem but now I am not so sure. He likes to make himself the victim in any relationship difficulties. He is so absolutely sure I am wrong and he is right about everything. Why couldn't I have inherited a little of this so that I didn't feel so horrid after every interaction with my family?

I had a really bad day yesterday with my dad. I had (stupidly) arranged a trip to see him in a week and he was making such a drama out of all the "work" he was doing to get his house ready for us. Whilst failing to arrange the two simple things I had asked him to do such as arrange a bed (blow up matress) for each of our children. This is after he has been going on and on about how we are witholding the children from him by not taking them to stay with him even though he has stayed with us many many times and up until recently could come down whenever he liked.

Today I have my mother (who I thought I had gone NC with) in my living room playing with my DD after just turning up on my doorstep after flying in from Australia. I really do not know what to do.

Apologies if this makes little sense I just needed to get it out.

Just to clarify I had issues with my dad on the phone. He called me a bully and asked why I was so unhappy. He said that all our issues in our relationship were down to me (again). Struggling to cope with it all today.

Does your mum have major anger issues?
Did your parents split in a vicious and violent divorce?
Has your mum alienated everyone in her life?
Is your dad manipulative?
Are you the problem? NO, absolutely and categorically NO.

It is not your fault. You were a child, their job was to protect you, instead they abused and neglected you. You were forced to adapt your behaviour in order to survive. Those adaptations were your only option when you were a child, you have better options now that you're an adult. Holding your parents accountable is an important step in healing yourself. Sorry you have to be here.

pumpkin for many MANY years I used to think I was the problem. Then I moved countries, started my career, made friends outside of a school environment, went on loads of dates with men, and just generally finally living my life how I wanted without being under the thumb of my mother who would question, second-guess, or invalidate every decision I made. And something odd happened... I started receiving praise, adoration and outside validation that I'm not stupid, or a no-hoper, or horrible, or lazy, or a slut, or whatever else.
bestfakesmile makes an excellent point.

Many thanks for the replies. The rational side of my brain knows that you are both right but the emotional side struggles.

My partner is amazingly supportive and we are very happy as a family unit which helps immensely.

I find it so difficult with my dad though as he is so adept at manipulating and pushing my buttons. I do not know how not to react to him even though I try and try not to let him get to me. He loves children and I have tried to involve him as much as I can in their lives but after so much angst and his controlling ways I have started to limit visitation.

He is not good with my children even though he is an "expert" he just wants the cuddles but I resent the fact he does not earn them if you know what I mean? He then blames us if the children are not responsive.

My mum is still in my living room she has turned up with nowhere to stay I need to be strong and make her stay in a b and b but I am already crumbling.

She has been so mean to me recently. I should have just not opened the door but I could not stop myself. I am weak.

@PumpkinPiloter you don't sound weak. It's really hard at the best of times and no one can expect someone to turn up randomly from Australia!! Is she still at yours?

I just saw DM for an hour to take the children to the park and I'm honestly exhausted and close to tears. I guess I'm seeing things more now so it feels worse but it was just so... wearing.

I guess for 20 odd years (or since I could speak, who knows) I've been her friend/therapist so she's not going to be changing how she talks even though my perspective is changing. I won't go through the whole conversation as I have done to poor DP but in an hour every possible deep subject came up and everything I said felt wrong. If it's not "wow you're doing really well" or "gosh that sounds hard for you" she just goes silent for a couple of minutes, long enough to know I've said the wrong answer. We talked about her lack of drug use now, how she misses my grandmother who has passed away and a whole bunch of other things - my role is support so that is normal but I never really noticed before.

A part that I really struggled with today though was she started saying how she let Dsis (19 next week, 9 years younger than me) down by being quite emotionally absent when she was young. Dsis was young when DM started using heroin, that's true, but life before that hadn't been a bed of roses for me - it had just involved lots more alcohol instead, police involvement etc.

For example one time DM, stepdad and uncle all got arrested in the street and I was left, at 6 years old, at the local corner shop and then spent the night with a neighbour I barely knew. I remember being really scared. So you get an idea, it was still chaotic. I could reel off a bunch of stuff like that.

But anyway DM was talking about how she let Dsis down and feels bad for it and thats why Dsis has issues etc etc. I said well now it's about looking forward to what you can do for her and she can do for herself for the future and straight away it's "she is she's really trying you know" and quite defensive. Anyway then later on we talked about how now they live in a rural village Dsis needs to learn to drive and I said it's good she's got motivation to learn now as she had said to me a few weeks ago how she didn't need to learn to drive as DM drives her everywhere. I thought Dsis said this in front of DM but she didn't remember. Anyway DM's response was "well you were probably having at her or something".... wtf. It just really hit a nerve, they always think I'm having a go at them if I say anything that's can even slightly be perceived as critical. E.g. Dsis said recently she was going to donate eggs and I said god that's a big decision, what about if the children come and find you as adults (and I was thinking what about the injections the hormones the knowledge you have a child out there - you are only 18 but I said none of that) and the response was how I "always have a go". But in the past when her dad (my stepdad who rejected me as a teenager after 14 years being my dad) was horrible they'd just turn up on my doorstep saying "oh Dsis needs you, dad has let her down" so they are quite happy for me to give my thoughts when they want them.

It feels like they've cast me in this villainous, critical role when I have supported them my whole life at every turn. All the way home I wanted to ask what do you mean "having at her" but I just didn't have the energy. I also wish I'd asked my mum what she thought of my childhood when she mentioned Dsis's.

I feel like I want to text and say what did you mean by that comment, do you think I'm always having a go but I don't know if I can take it. She clearly thinks I do enough to mutter a comment about it and I don't know I want to be in a position of trying to defend myself. Though I guess if they say well yes you are horrible I could say well in that case don't bother seeing me. I don't know. God it must seem like such a small thing I'm making a fuss over. It just feels like all my suffering is glossed over to talk about how hard Dsis has had it. DP said, tongue in cheek, "well that's because you were born a 30 year old parent to your mother so you're expected to manage".

Either I'm someone to go to endlessly for support or I'm a critical bastard? Why come to me with your problems if you think I'm horrible.

Oh Lenl it sounds like you had a really tough time when you were a child that strength you found at those times is probably what made you the strong person you are now.

It can be very difficult when you have not received constant unconditional love from parents when you are younger. I think it can damage you when older as you are constantly seeking that love you never received as a child and perhaps even end up having some kind of sense of not being worthy of it.

Perhaps that is why when they show a favouristism towards other sibling it still hurts.

My mother just left. I took her to her house here which has been empty for 5 months (very long story but I actively encouraged her to move close to me because I am a crazy fucker who thinks I can fix all my relationships with my dysfunctional family with compassion). She didn't have a bed or mug or anything and "didn't want to stay in the b&b again".

I was brave I told her that I would not with-hold the children from her but so she was welcome to come and take them to the park or I could take them round there. But if she wanted to come into our house again she had to apologise to my partner and I for fucking us over majorly recently (another long story involving us trying to rescue her by moving into her house and paying rent while fixing it up) and for the awful things she wrote in her emails about me being a thief, liar and stating that my dead grandmother thought I was a horrid child and that I failed my dead brother who killed himself many years ago.

Wow it is really hard to paraphrase this in a way it makes any kind of vague sense.

God @PumpkinPilot what nasty things to say to you. Horrifying. I'm the same I think I could just make things better with enough kindness and support and compassion but I'm realising it just doesn't work. They'll just keep on taking.

Well done for taking her to her house . She is an adult and whether she has stuff in her house is her responsibility! And double well done for being brave and saying you need an apology. What did she say to that? It must have been hard. If it's anything like my relationship with my mum you must have had to muster up a lot of courage. Hope you are ok

Lenl, you are right, they will always keep on taking.
Pumpkinpilot, I have also spent years trying to sort my parents out with their house and finances. I've only just realised thought that they will never be sorted as their incompetence is what keeps me hooked. For all my life I have been trying to get them to live in a sustainable way (to only spend what they can afford, not buy more furniture than they can fit into their house etc etc) and for 15 years I have been contributing financially every month, but they won't stop because if they stopped I wouldn't still be there looking after them, I would be living my own life, and my mum does not want that.
it is so typically co-dependent I just can't believe I haven't seen it for all these years. I thought I could fix their addictions (alcohol (dad) and compulsive spending (both)) if I just gave them enough kindness, support and compassion but they have taken all that (plus thousands and thousands of pounds) and still are just as 'broken'. I can't fix them. It is time for me and my life to come first.

@bestfakesmile I also gave my mum money for years. Are you going to stop? She denies the extent of it (first job at 14). When I qualified for my current job and so started getting a good salary I was quickly giving her £500 a month... after 4 months DP was understandably pissed off so I called and told my mum I'd given her £2k since starting my job. Her immediate response was "Oh don't add it up, don't do that" (poor her huh) but she did stop asking. It's very liberating to no longer help her financially x

@ bestfakesmile

Yes my mum has no self control when it comes to spending. She received an inheritance recently which was a considerable amount of money. I really tried to help her buy a property so she would have some security in her old age and not spend/gamble it all away.

My dad is the opposite with money he will go miles out of his way to save money. To the point where he buys the kids presents from pound shop insists on reusing the ends of cigarettes whilst living in a 3 bedroom house in zone 2 in London on his own.

One of the things I got annoyed with him about on the phone recently was that the carpets in his house have never been replaced in the 25 years he has live there and were not new when he moved in. Which is fine as it his house. However it is a very narrow tall victorian town house and I do worry it is dangerous for my young children with the carpets coming loose and being thread bear. He proudly told me that his partner (who lives in a 4 bedroom house in London on her own) had bought him a small piece of carpet that he was planning to place on a landing to cover up a bad patch.

But of course I am being totally unreasonable that this is not a reasonable and safe thing to do.

You can start to see why their marriage was not a success.

Hi everyone. Been catching up. Thank you to everyone for posting on the thread. I feel less isolated for reading. I relate to so much. [Flowers] to you all.

I have had a difficult couple of weeks with anxiety and panic attacks. I think it's just been overload really with stuff. Working really hard now to get some balance back.

When I speak to M I feel so distant and detached and critical. I notice all the shit. I never used to. I used to lap up time with her I thoight we were so close. Am I an awful person? I feel it is my fault because I am the one who has changed.

Hi Nora. Nice new name :) How have you coped wih the emotional fallout of changing your relationship wih them? We've had a similar timeline I think!

Another thing is where is this going? They are not going to change. No point in trying to talk to any of them. The problem is everything - all behaviour, attitude, world view, habits, communication. I mean to say it's not like I could say please can you stop doing x. So I feel like I'm at a dead end. I don't want to go NC. But this is hard work and it makes me feel crap. Am I going to be doing this for the rest of my life? How can I accept it?