He had an affair...breaking out the Ben & Jerry's (2)

[Syc4moreTrees]

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/thirty_days_only/2914533-If-hes-having-an-affair?

Not sure if I've managed to create a link to the old thread...someone more tech savvy can maybe help me out a little bit if not?

The old thread closed before i could thank you all again for all the collective wisdom, it's been a very surreal month to say the least, but it's been crazy how much support you can get from a bunch of lovely strangers.

So thanks!! You're all awesome!

Very good to see you back with a new thread. stay strong for the weekend...

We're still here. And feel free ramble away to us if it helps you clarify your thoughts.

Hi,
I read your other thread and I just wanted to say I am thinking of you. I am nearly at the first anniversary of finding out my husband was having an affair. Like yours was mostly done on social media. They did sleep together. He like your husband didn't really mention me or our children. My husband had a bad accident at work during his affair. I didn't find out till 5/6 weeks after but he was off work and recovering so had all that stress as well. We have 3 kids together. We are still together and are trying to work through it all. The first few months were horrendous. I had no idea at all when I found the messages on his phone. Pm me if you want to talk.
Sarah xx

I've just caught up with your other thread and just have to say WOW!
Well done OP.
You are handling all this so well.
It's the most shite time ever.
Keep going.

Hi Syc4more, I was thinking about you after your last thread , good to see you back. Hope your ok x

Been having a bit of a wobbly day today, lots of pressure with work and house and juggling the kids. Just a bit down in the dumps i think.

Got my lovely STD results back and they seem to be all clear though there's still something outstanding on a blood test. I think the fact i even had to do that sort of hit me and made me a little bit despairing.

I know i need to give myself a shake, I just feel a bit tired today.

Kiddies are with PIL and WH and i'm slipping into paranoia about what they might be telling them (which is most likely nothing at all) I'm also suddenly worried that I work too much, that i don't see them enough, that they've always been daddy's boys because he's the fun one, and he's the one who goes to sports day and picks them up from school, and I'm just the absentee mum who works too long of hours and makes them brush their teeth.

I don't think i know how to be a "single parent". it's always been important to me to have a stable career and the nature of being self employed has meant lots of sacrifices along the way which didn't seem to matter when the kids were home with their dad, when we were a little unit. Now I don't know what we are and how the kids will cope or how i will cope or actually how he will cope.

Sorry!! i suspect someone needs to hand me a grip because i've boarded the drama train where everything in life is going to spiral out of control

Trees - you're still remembering your totally amazing, right?

That you have been awesome throughout what's gone on.

So sink into the sofa and just focus on the lush Ben and tasty Jerry.

Let everything else go for a couple of hours.

And breathe.

oops you're totally amazing...

As the saying goes;
'You don't know how strong you are until being strong is your only option'
Many of us are thrown into single parenthood through no fault of our own.
You will cope.
It won't feel like and you'll feel out of control at times.
But you learn to cope and get through it.
Promise!

Just read your first thread. You're sounding stronger than I'd be. Not sure what to say but what an idiot. People don't realise things are never the same afterwards if you give it a go. Too much to lose.

Just want to say you reacted exactly as I would. I'm so sorry you found out the way you did. I found out some shit I had been gaslighted on from 11 years ago by accident only 6 months ago and the adrenaline rush is bloody awful, I actually threw up, in my case he was away with work . I think you know that this is a no no, maybe with a bit of time you can co parent successfully but I think the issue is you won't trust the same again or possibly feel the same about him and that's a bit of a death knell. you are an intelligent woman with a good career so unlike some people on here that brings you more 'choices' actually I am sure you would be a fantastic single parent if that's what it is to be

Have just read your previous thread, and now this and you are really not giving yourself enough credit. You've been through such a tough time, all while you're pregnant ( which for me was when my emotions were all over the place without any relationship upheavals) and you have handled things wonderfully.
You are strong enough to do this by yourself, but who says you have to? You're clearly an intelligent, go-getting woman, so plenty of men would be lucky to have you.
Do not get sucked up into thinking "it's either the cheater or no one" life has so many good things in store for you. Some faithful, six-packed superman could be waiting just around the corner for someone amazing like you, so why don't you think about that rather than some cheat who games like he's a teenager with no responsibilities.

Hello awesome Trees. Just to say, if you want to keep your other thread to refer back to, you'll need to ask MNHQ to move it before it goes pop.

Long time lurker who thinks you're awesome. Didn't comment much on your last thread but genuinely in awe of you.

I know lots of people have said this already but I will say this anyway- YOU are amazing!!

I saw that title & knew it was you!
Hope the ice cream is working it's magic - weather for the next couple of days is the perfect cover for an ice cream binge

Keep remembering you are strong & this situation is NOT of your making

Your stronger than you think
You are I read your
Last post and was extremely impressed with the way you have dealt with everything x

Just read your last reply on the last thread, I do really hope you enjoy the peace this weekend and give yourself the treats you deserve and the space to think things through.

You don't want to be rushing anything and I don't think you securing the future for you and the children by buying this house alone isn't shutting down a future with WH completely it's showing yourself and him that you can do it alone. If you decide in the future you want to give it another go it's not going to matter to the relationship who's name the house is under. The presence of that app on his I pad will though

As far as I know every mother worries that they are working too much or not enough, it's one of those feelings that you feel even more when you're pregnant and reevaluating but your children will appreciate everything you do for them, especially when they are all grown up with beautifully clean white teeth

YY, teeth cleaning is important!

Just tried to post on your last thread to see how you are. Happy to find this thread. Thinking of you. When do you move and when is baby due?

Trees I really struggled for the first 9 months as the fight or flight response kicked in and the adrenaline never stopped. You are unbelievable to have achieved what you have in a short time and while pregnant. Please make sure you eat and drink enough! Ice cream is good!

1. Take your time. You dont have to make any decisions now re your relationship. From my experience if they aren't completely remorseful and also willing to do anything it takes to reconcile it isnt good . enough.

2)You can decide to build a good coparenting relationship with H without reconciling. You could have an excellent business partnership - the business being the raising of your kids but no personal relationship. It is daunting about being a single parent but really what it takes is to be a resourceful loving hard worker - and youve already proven yourself to be all those things.

3. You don't need to give yourself a shake. You are pregnant, working hard , have just bought a house by yourself and your life been turned upside down! Be kind to yourself!

4. You will be on a rollercoaster up and down for a while. And will have good and bad days for longer. Again be kind to yourself. Its all tough stuff. Glad you have told several people and are getting support. Don't cover up for H. But you might decide to tell a smaller circle to start with of whats happened.

I split up with my H eventually and am glad. I found that I didnt really know him after being with him many years. Its all very very scary and painful to start with. But whether you decide to stay with him or not you will have a great life. You will just have to get through for a while. Take care

Trees You can do this, but of course it's completely natural to be feeling the way that you are at this awful time. I agree with a pp sink into the sofa, relax and lose yourself in the ben & jerrys. You are an amazing mum and person! And children need to have clean teeth it is very important I do the same with mine.

Baby day is in 4 weeks, house is hopefully in 2.

Am staying at home with the kiddies this weekend. They're going to stay with their dad tomorrow and Saturday so I can get some work done and they can have fun, and then back to me Sunday and Monday. I feel a bit horrible that usually we would have had a nice long weekend together.

DB invited me to come visit for our birthday on Saturday, but it's maybe a bit far and the kids would be disappointed if I went to see the fun uncle without them 😂

Am supposed to have lunch tomorrow with WH. He's deleted his line app thing now but I think he's in touch with the fellas from his game by phone and regular text. He's put his messages onto the iPad now so I can check anything he says to anyone (as if i actually want to do that) He's also signed everything for the agreement for the house to be in my name.

He's also made an appointment to speak with a councillor. He doesn't want to rent a flat because he thinks it'll make me think he accepts this can't be fixed. So he's staying with his parents and then going to sofa surf.

I'm still basically day to day topsy turvey, but a few more RL people know. Everyone is very kind, but I do find it embarrassing and don't know how to explain what's gone wrong. I feel like they must wonder what I did wrong.

Honestly they aren't. They're thinking what an absolute idiot he is.

Rubbish re him renting a flat. In fact him renting a flat, providing a stable base for the DC to spend time just with him (not possible if sofa surfing)and allowing you the space, and whatever time you need would prove he is serious about trying to prove himself to you.

He is simply ramping up the pressure on you to take him back asap, and I expect forcing him to spend time with DC with you, or worse in "your" space. He is not listening.