He had an affair...breaking out the Ben & Jerry's (2)

[Syc4moreTrees]

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/thirty_days_only/2914533-If-hes-having-an-affair?

Not sure if I've managed to create a link to the old thread...someone more tech savvy can maybe help me out a little bit if not?

The old thread closed before i could thank you all again for all the collective wisdom, it's been a very surreal month to say the least, but it's been crazy how much support you can get from a bunch of lovely strangers.

So thanks!! You're all awesome!

He doesn't want to fork out for a flat because he has every expectation that you will get over your "little strop" about him sooner or later.

I do find it embarrassing and don't know how to explain what's gone wrong. I feel like they must wonder what I did wrong

Why? Would you be thinking that if one of your friends if they were in this position?

joy Good point!! I'm just projecting because it's what I'm wondering myself. My friend are lovely though, so I know they won't actually be thinking anything terrible about us, it's just all very strange.

Thanks for your wisdom and clear head!

Not one to post much at all...but unable to sleep in this hot weather, came across your thread and then read the first one too! I'm in tears, for you and also it brought back memories of the state of my relationship 7 years ago.

My WH also had an affair, but in our case, with a colleague who had been onto him like a rash for a very very long time. I'd pointed this out on more than one occasion, and she even went on to marry. Despite this, WH still went on to shag her for a couple of months.
We never really separated after I found out, but he moved out for a bit, and then in quick succession we lost close family members, which really tipped us to breaking point.

WH actually had a nervous breakdown nearly 2 years after my discovery, as he was just burying his head in the sand, refusing to acknowledge the hurt he'd caused and trying to railroad my emotions. It took his breakdown for him to 'sort' himself out, counselling, sorting out his work situation (OW was still at work for a while)

I wished I'd have the courage to have forced WH to move out, but I felt, like you do now, that leaving the kids was too much of a wrench. But I can see now that even they suffered for a while.

7 years on, he has reverted to being the man I knew since I was in my teens. Trust has returned which I honestly thought would ever happen. Your posts made me think back to those very dark few years.

It can be done, reconciliation that is. A couple of our closest friends didn't think so at the time, and unfortunately those friendships have been affected. But those who do understand are those who want the best for you, whatever you choose.

You sounded like you have a remarkable DB and even though they're his parents, the ILs seem supportive.

You have made some very wise decisions Tree, and only wished I had made a couple of those when I was in that surreal bubble.

I'm not saying that you & WH will get back together, but as long as you are looking after yourself & your little ones, I think you'll be OK!

I can guarantee you NOONE thinks you've done anything wrong! EVERYONE will be judging your WH to kingdom come and back thinking what an absolute bastard he is for cheating on his loving PREGNANT wife when you already have kids. You work hard for your kids and for you. If you didn't have this solid career behind you then this situation would have been a hell of a lot worse, you'd be the one on the back foot with the house etc. But as it is and as you have such a solid foundation from working you and your kids will get a new house. Good on you!!! You should be PROUD! Hell! I'm proud of you and I don't know you!! Sending lots of love! I'm three weeks away from my due date so it sounds like we're having our babies around the same time too. Let us all know how you're getting on. You're doing AMAZING! Xxx

Yes Trees - whatever you do, make it clear that even if he is sofa-surfing he will not be having his access time with the children at your house. I agree with PP that he is probably thinking this is his way back in. Your house should be your safe, private place - don't let him spoil it.

Also agree with PP that not getting a flat shows that he is minimising this whole thing and thinks it will soon be over and you will be "back to normal". What a dick.

(I can't believe he didn't tell his parents the whole story to begin with too - not until he was forced. Sorry, I think that was on your first thread but I was so cross when I read it).

I used to think like you - that people would be silently wondering what I had done to provoke him (ex) into doing what he did. I honestly don't think most of them did - apart maybe from a couple of his friends whom I am no longer in contact with, and I'm not even sure about that. My own friends supported me absolutely and I would with them (and you would with your friends).

he should be respecting your personal space. He should be renting a place. By not doing so to me he is not accepting your separation and your right to call whether you want to be separate long term or not. It is your choice after how he has behaved.

I recommend reading up about boundaries. That has helped me a lot. Cloud and Townsend are often recommended. Ignore the Christian religious aspects if they dont suit you but the underlying reasoning is sound. One example to read: www.cloudtownsend.com/what-do-you-mean-boundaries-by-dr-henry-cloud-and-dr-john-townsend/

Finished with work for the day, thank goodness!! Just on my way to see WH. Probably I should refer to him more politely!

He has text to say he's arranged for some movers to come and help pack up the house and wants to know if it's ok if his stuff goes to the new house (which I hadn't even considered!! Clearly I'm not thinking very well).

We're on surprisingly friendly terms, aside from the agony of seeing him things seem to be civilised enough. He is definitely making more effort to consider my feelings and the kids, I think some of the shock has worn off for him, and his health is much improved since the accident.

PIL are being lovely, I know MIL has been a bit prickly but I think she's probably embarrassed about what he's done, and is also quite involved in the church so there's maybe also an element of appearances mattering to her, which I totally respect, but can't really do much about right now.

Everyone has been more than supportive, and people at work have been great about letting me "push in" on the lists at court so I can finish up a bit quicker and get back for the kids! The marvel of being heavily pregnant and looking like a tragedy I think. 🤦🏻‍♀️

People are essentially just very good I think. Even if they do sleep with grubby online ladies(?) (she's not even grubby, I'm just been mean).

So he's still at it then

Quiet bit of manipulation there, oh I've arranged for this, can I store my stuff as well, nice little bow round all of it

Didn't ask you, presented as a fait acompli (sp) are you some little woman who is incapable and he rides in to rescue you now?

His assumption over YOUR new home is breath taking 💐

Would he still be as amenable if you said 'no' to him storing his stuff at the new house? Your new house.

Send his "stuff" to storage. Preferably on the other side of town.

One of my friends said that if she ever put her OH's stuff in storage, she'd tell him it's in Big Yellow under his name. Just not which one.

OMG it is all about him!

Text back that you have arranged your own removals( then get on to a removal firm pronto) and it is certainly not OK for him to store his stuff at your new house. Plenty of self storage facilities about.

His behaviour seems very manipulative, especially the line that he is somehow showing faith to you by not taking responsibility for the consequences of his actions by organising accommodation etc. Putting pressure on you. Not sorting out somewhere suitable for contact with the DC, pressuring you to share your home. Disgraceful!

His stuff needs to go elsewhere.

Or else he hasn't even started to face reality. Wants minimal expense, embarrassment, disruption.

I don't like the sound of him asking you if he can send his things to the new house. To me, that sounds like he's just humouring you by signing the documents. He doesn't actually view it as YOUR home. He thinks he will have his feet under the table in no time if he just makes all the right noises for a little while. And he expects it to happen so quickly that there would be no point in arranging storage etc.

I'm sure he will present it in some romantic terms like "it proves that I am confident we can fix things" or whatever. But I'm really sorry, I think he just isn't taking you seriously.

If it were me, I'd say "well no you can't send your things to the new house. It's my house, remember? You literally have just signed the documents. If you rented somewhere then you wouldn't have this problem. If you insist on staying with your parents then obviously you will need to sort storage out".

Judge a woman whose husband has an illicit seedy affair via gaming, while his wife is pregnant with their child?

Judge the Wanker Husband, you mean ...

Oh Trees! Hope ur having a nice afternoon and enjoying this beautiful day despite all this crap.

His behaviour is odd tho. It's almost as if he doesn't take u seriously or he simply thinks ur having a tantrum and u will soon just get over it and he moves back in. He sees the reconciliation as a fait accompli which makes me wonder does he even feel bad that he has hurt u? Or realise how awful his deceit is?

U have enough on ur hands, why should u baby sit his stuff?

I know in an ideal world I would work through everything n get back together. But make him work for it because right now, it seems he's playing u.

This has got me so angry.

Tell him no what with working full time, just finding out your soul mate is a wanker, looking after 2 children, about to give birth to a third, moving house and trying to plan your future you are just a wee bit too busy at the moment to give a stuff about his bloody stuff!

You thought about it but what with everything else you have going on you have decided against making a career change to branch into the self storage business.

Whilst you are at it tell him of course it is his decision, but sofa surfing at his age is a bit needy and pathetic. The children need stability and hanging out at alternate weekends at random houses will not be good for them. Not to mention he will need somewhere safe for the baby if he ever wants to have the baby when you feel the time is right.

He is bloody lucky you are meeting him today. If I was you I would be sitting in my pants with my feet in a paddling pool eating ice cream.

Store HIS stuff in YOUR new house???
Fuck that!
He really is an entitled twat.

Sounds like he is ramming on the guilt.

He thinks it's all going to blow over and he will just slip back into your life in the new house.
Please take a stand here and say no to "storing" his stuff. Tell him the packers can either take to your PIL or arrange storage fro him till he gets his own place,
He just doesn't get it does he???

I'm so glad to see you've started another thread. I think you're being very hard on yourself trying to decide what you want to happen - you're heavily pregnant, working, moving house and your DH has been not only been unfaithful but in a serious accident too. Talk about throwing it all at you and you're still standing.

My only comment would be to be very careful about taking his belongings to your new home. I'd be very concerned about having all of his stuff around the kids just in case you do decide in future that this can't work....... you then have the upset of him taking it all away again. I'd see it as a positive clean slate that you and your children can be a family in and his place in that still isn't decided. He's putting very clever pressure on you by asking this, and the fact he won't rent somewhere (also meaning he has to have the children at your home) would worry me that he isn't accepting the consequences of his actions..........

I agree with most comments above about his stuff in your house. It's your house. Not his. His stuff should go where he is, at least until a concrete decision is made. It's all well and good asking if it can just be tagged along with your stuff but actually that's a hell of a big ask if you think about it!

You see I think this is really sneaky. On the face of it, it seems reasonable to ask if his things can be moved with yours (incidentally, did you ask him to arrange the removal firm?) but really, as PP have said, it is putting more pressure on you to give up and give in and have things back to how they were.

I keep wondering too how he thinks it will work if he has his time with the children at your house? Are you expected to go out? Will you have to be there too (sneaky family time)? If so, are you expected to keep out of the way? It's all so insidious and yet seemingly harmless.

Perhaps he presumes he can see the children at his parents' house - but none of this (apart from arranging the removal company) involves him actually doing stuff. It's making it more difficult for you to say no to him.

To be fair I'm not even entirely sure what his "stuff" is. He has some work stuff that's crammed into the spare room, that has always doubled as my little office space too in the evenings, but he'll need that someplace he can use it for his work.

We have furniture etc but we've never acquired anything separately on that front, and can't see him wanting a flipping side board any time soon.

His everyday clothes are mostly at PIL now so not much on that front either

I didn't ask him to do anything in connection with the house, but removals and insurance and fixing it up would all have been things he would have naturally co ordinated because he's at home, and has always been in charge of things like that. When things break down or anything like that he takes care of it.

He does a lot of helpful stuff really, and I hadn't thought about booking removals or anything like that, though I'm sure it would have occurred to me eventually 😬

At the minute the kids see him with PIL but as nice as they are I don't think that will really be good for them on a practical level after a while. The occasional sleepover all in the living room is fine for now and again, but again, I haven't even considered how that will actually work...and I keep realising I'm about to have a baby!

I'm very unprepared 😢