He had an affair...breaking out the Ben & Jerry's (2)

[Syc4moreTrees]

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/thirty_days_only/2914533-If-hes-having-an-affair?

Not sure if I've managed to create a link to the old thread...someone more tech savvy can maybe help me out a little bit if not?

The old thread closed before i could thank you all again for all the collective wisdom, it's been a very surreal month to say the least, but it's been crazy how much support you can get from a bunch of lovely strangers.

So thanks!! You're all awesome!

name you've never noticed a particular minty freshness down there?! I think it's just mine though, unfortunately! Parenting fail.

😆I have a 5 yo with cheek written all over him. If there is Mooncup mischief to be had, he'll be on it. I think I may need to start sterilising again before I use it 😆 Thanks for the heads up.

Hope you're getting on ok Trees 😊

Hope you're getting on okay @Syc4moreTrees

Thanks everyone! Things are going ok, we're slowly getting into a new routine.

The boys aren't staying over with their dad, and our older boy is really reluctant to see him at all. I don't know if anyone with a similar experience has had this happen where the kids sort of get a bit reluctant to see their dads?

Have you spoken about why he doesn't want to see his dad? Sorry if that's a daft question.

Could it be that baby and settling into the house has made home life cosier and more interesting? Good to hear you're finding a routine x

Long time lurker on your thread @Syc4moreTrees, as I couldn't top the wonderful advice and support you were already receiving.

In my experience my eldest wasn't keen to go because dad (unknowingly or otherwise) otherwise was saying things that were making her feel bad for him. Maybe WH is guilty of the same (even subconsciously?)

It was ages before it all came out. I can only suggest to keep talking to him about his reluctance to see dad, he may well open up eventually.

Utterly in awe of how you have handled yourself throughout this whole ordeal

Trees you are truly amazing. I have nothing to add to.the support and advice here other than to look after yourself and take as much time as you need. You have had so much to do and so much thrown at you yet you remain gracious throughout. Don't be forced to rush your decision by anyone. Having a baby is disruptive enough without moving home & dealing with a cheat. Take your time, enjoy your boys and have some space. There is no need to make decisions until you are ready. Remember, you call the shots now. Wishing you well

I think it's absolutely a case of both older boys being completely obsessed with our new little snuggle monster.

Middly doesn't have a problem going with his dad, climbing all over him, talking up a storm.

With our older boy he just seems so reserved and dejected. I know he's struggling more because he probably understands the fact mum and dad aren't together all the time now. He doesn't say much about it, but I've been doing lots of drawing this week, and there's lots of variety in our "family pictures". I'm conscious of turning into a fire side child psychologist, but I guess he's just processing things?!

I'm so out of my depth. It's our older boys b'day next week and he wants mum and dad and his brothers to go out for pizza. I feel like a jerk saying "we'll see". I hate that this whole thing has such far reaching consequences!

WH is trying to entice us all, but I known he is upset about our oldests attitude right now.

It all makes me doubt my decisions and whether I'm doing what's best for us all.

Thanks so much for the advice! It's so good to get outside perspectives. Sorry to ramble

Why don't you make a decision about whether to be with your husband or not. The not knowing must be hard on the kids, especially the oldest one. Are you together or not? If you don't want to be with him tell the boys that mummy and daddy aren't together anymore but we love you both etc. Right now they don't what's going on, which can't be good. He might be upset but he'll get over it. Right now he's in limbo, especially as you seem to be playing happy families.

Annielouise yeah, why doesn't she just flip a coin to decide her families future instead of working through it. Excellent advice 🙄🙄

stole - it's been quite a long time. Perhaps the indecisiveness is doing more harm than good to the kids. Ever thought of that ?

Yes Annielouise, I'm pretty sure that the op has considered that also. But what are the options? Throw the marriage away without considering if it could be worked through or not ('mummy why did you divorce daddy' 'because some random on the internet said I was taking too long to make up my mind'), or living with parents who can't stand to be around each other and end up divorced anyway because it was too rushed.

Plus the op has a newborn and all of the hormone surges that come with that. Of course she needs the time to work out what she's going to do.

I think you just need to ask him why he isn't keen on spending time with his dad, it could be that he is simply not bothered and would prefer to spend time at home with mum and baby or it might be confusion but talking to them is always best and being as honest as you can be about the situation. You can only encourage him but your husband may have to accept your oldest boy just isn't ready so patience is best. Which you clearly have oodles of syc so you will do fine.

The person accusing you of playing happy families has clearly got out the wrong side of the bed. No separation is black and white. My ohs parents stayed amicable for a very long time and put on a united face for their kids every birthday and Christmas that it was requested that they were both to be there it fizzled out by their early teens but they are all still really grateful that their mum and dad did it for them. It made them see they were still loved and still a family just different to what it had been. Oh sorry should add dad had an affair and left for ow so it certainly wasn't easy for their mum. Go for pizza it will make their day.

I don't think we've been playing happy families so much as just trying not to be hostile or emotionally charged in front of them. I guess that might be confusing in itself, if we're telling them we've decided to spend some time apart but there's no appearance of malice on either side.

I sort of doubt even if i sat everyone down and explained the whole thing to them for hours on end and declared a final position that it would make any difference to the little ones. We're doing our best to make it clear what is happening, but how much can you ever get into with still quite young kids?

If the separation turns out to be a permanent move I don't think the way we are doing things right now will necessarily change so from that point of view i think the routine for the boys has been as well managed as it can be, just that our older boy is refusing to go, or when he goes he will be fine for a couple of hours and then he wants to come home to me. Previously he was very much a daddy's boy.

I guess i just don't really know what i'm doing, or what to do for the best. Obviously a new house and new baby are strange enough things for kids, without adding a separation to it.

WH for all his wankeriness is (i think) making a genuine effort (although it took a while). Right now I have no idea what the future holds for us. If it can be worked out and things go back to some semblance of normal i'm hoping the boys won't remember that one shitty summer when everyone lived in different houses, and if it can't be worked out then at least we can say we tried.

I can also live without him though if that's what is required. I never really tried to do things on my own before because he was always there so maybe it's a good lesson for me in self sufficiency, although we'll see how that goes once I head back to work next week.

Thanks as always for helping me hash it all out, i'm sure you're all bored of it by now! I'm not really a big feelings discusser in RL, and given most of our friends are mutual friends it feels a bit too close to be so open.

It sounds like you are teaching your boys how to be honest and decent even in difficult circumstances. They are learning how to be robust and this takes time.

We all reassess our choices over time and this is a good thing too op. It's ok not to know what's going to happen and it's ok to express this to your boys - often we don't know and mostly we don't have that much control either. We all just try our best.

As for explaining it all I think you are exactly right - this is not really what they need at the moment. Just answer questions as honestly as you can and even an 'I don't know' is fine.

Remember to be kind to you most of all because that's where the love starts - with you. From your previous posts I know you're good at that.

You're doing what you think is best under very difficult circumstances, circumstances that you didn't cause, that's all you can do.

Other than encouraging your boys to continue to see their WH and not bad-mouthing him to the children, there's not much more you can do in that regard.

You don't have to play 'happy families' if you don't want to; plus, that would probably be confusing at this stage. Celebrate the boy's birthday separately with him this year; sell it as two celebrations and extra attention.

@Syc4moreTrees Man, I too am hoping that my boys won't remember one shitty summer when everyone lived in separate houses!

I'm going through a very similar situation myself at the moment (well, without the house move and new baby!). My WH disclosed an affair at the end of April, and we have been living apart since. While we try and figure out what is salvageable (and while I try and figure out whether I want to salvage anything at all), he is living at home with his mum. He has been staying over a few nights a week here and there, but it's all very confusing for everyone.

But rushing decisions will not help anyone. This trauma is going to take time to process. I'm really struggling with ambivalence at the moment. I know I can cope on my own - and the self-protective wall that I have built is stopping me from recognising any of the good through all of the shit. Probably quite similar to how he managed to diminish our relationship during his affair... I would just love a break from this being in my head all the time!

Hope you're doing ok @Syc4moreTrees

Just winding myself back up for the return to work in a couple of weeks! time has flown by, and i'm struggling to contemplate leaving my little squisher. I have been considering a live in nanny type thing for my return, but actually find the whole idea a little bit weird! No idea why.

WH thinks he should look after the LO, but he's juggling a quite busy business. He has fallen off the wagon in terms of gamer friends contact, and is back in touch with his man friend from there again, whose wife has just had a bit of a crappy diagnosis. I know it's selfish to think he should be directing his attention at his own crappy life right now, and I feel unreasonable in my level of ire at this.

Other than that, things are actually skipping along ok. We all went out for DS1's b'day, despite my better angels telling me it was a bad idea. I find myself staring at him a lot and trying to detect any signs of malice or deception, which i would assume is a road that will lead me promptly into madness. I had hoped it would be clearer by now.

He is waiting (patiently) in the wings for me to fall down on one side of the fence or the other, but i'm still quite firmly planted in the I have no idea camp. I think I probably still love him, but I really don't much like him right now. Does that sound ridiculous?

I didn't think I was the type of woman who would even contemplate a reconciliation after an affair, and I do feel a little bit ashamed of myself on that front. Not that those who have done this should feel that way, obviously, I just wish I could be a strong independent no nonsense sort, but then, it's real life isn't it.

Anyway, i just wanted to stick my head in and thank you all again for the continued support and advice! I am currently up to my eyeballs in tardis blue paint, and have stepped barefoot on a screw...does anyone know if i need a tetanus shot??

Thanks, as always.

Honestly it's early days yet given all the other things you've been dealing with. Be kind to yourself. If you need more time and space to decide then he can wait. He's at least six months ahead of you already, remember . I'd say keep the nanny because it makes you more independent of H and frankly it just makes life easier all round when you're working and someone else can do little bits of the daily drudgery.

And you're not being unreasonable re: the gamer friend.

Schnitzel I can't really explain my chagrin regarding the "friend", it's just a feeling of annoyance, but equally I suppose I also think I can't just dictate his life to him? Being reasonable is so hard!! You are so right about him having had a head start on me on this thing, I've not really thought about it like that before.

Had to ask myself 3 questions:

Did I really still love him? or him being part of my life had become such a habit that I really couldn't imagine my life not being married to him.

Could I forgive enough not to see him in bed with her every time he came anywhere near me?

Could I really get past the lies. the deception and the betrayal and the fact that he would still have carried on quite happily with all 3 had he not been found out?

In the end 1 and 2 were serious enough but 3 was the real deal breaker. I didn't want to be with someone who valued me so little that he could
have an affair behind my back then put so little value on my feelings that he tried to minimise it, then tried to make it all my fault, then still tried to make out that we could play happy families if I could just forget this little hiccup.

I didn't want to spend the rest of my life being Miss Marple either, or wondering every time he was working late, away with work, went out, whether the same would or was happening again.

Trust had been lost and in the end I decided that I didn't want to be with someone I couldn't trust, who could lie and deceive so easily and who had so little regard for either my feelings or my intelligence.

This all took quite some time which is why I would still advise you that it's still a but too soon to be making such huge decisions. Take as much time as you nee to make the decision that's right for you and don't let him hustle you into anything you might regret later.