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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

He had an affair...breaking out the Ben & Jerry's (2)

907 replies

Syc4moreTrees · 24/05/2017 11:05

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/thirty_days_only/2914533-If-hes-having-an-affair?

Not sure if I've managed to create a link to the old thread...someone more tech savvy can maybe help me out a little bit if not?

The old thread closed before i could thank you all again for all the collective wisdom, it's been a very surreal month to say the least, but it's been crazy how much support you can get from a bunch of lovely strangers.

So thanks!! You're all awesome!

OP posts:
MsPavlichenko · 26/05/2017 20:22

You really don't need to be fair to him, or to justify to yourself, or anybody else. He has not been fair to you, or the DC in all of this.
The way things have been have changed now, down to his actions, and he (and you) need to get used to that.

I'm not saying you need to hate him, or be rude or unkind. Hard though it is, it will be better if you can harden yourself a bit, and detach. It is scary but you are managing already, and you will continue to do so. This doesn't mean that you may not work things out down the line.

You need the space to work things out without him, or his stuff . The DC will do far better with a clear structure, a place to visit, and no confusion about what is going on. It is clear that he isn't really getting it, or is choosing not to and thinks that you'll be having him back asap, certainly when the baby arrives. Which means he doesn't recognise what he has done, and the implications. And if he doesn't then he has no chance of addressing what he needs to do to make it better.

Joysmum · 26/05/2017 21:38

And so the building up of indebtedness and not wanting to cut ties because he's owed continues.

Waddlelikeapenguin · 26/05/2017 22:43

Third baby - ime you don't really need to be prepared! You've got all the stuff & know what you're doing (all the NB stuff comes back in a flash). It will be fine. (Even health visitors go 'oh I can just tick all this as you're an experienced parent Halo )

NO ONE will judge you, EVERYONE will judge an idiot that cheats on his pregnant wife & kids.

Waddlelikeapenguin · 26/05/2017 22:44

Third baby - ime you don't really need to be prepared! You've got all the stuff & know what you're doing (all the NB stuff comes back in a flash). It will be fine. (Even health visitors go 'oh I can just tick all this as you're an experienced parent Halo )

NO ONE will judge you, EVERYONE will judge an idiot that cheats on his pregnant wife & kids.

Waddlelikeapenguin · 26/05/2017 22:45

Why the double post?!? Sorry

UnicornSparkles1 · 26/05/2017 22:45

Baby steps Trees, you don't have to have all of your ducks in a line immediately. Deal with the most pressing stuff, everything else can wait.

YoLoZammo · 27/05/2017 08:41

Hi Trees, I've been following your story but haven't had anything useful to add before now. You've had amazing support and advice already.

Anyway, I thought I'd add that given the limited timeframe before moving day (and due date), that you need to insist that WH (I love that BTW and may borrow it) comes over with PIL or a couple of friends and collect his stuff. It needs to be gone before the move not during. You have enough to do without the onus of packing it up yourself. HE needs to step up and collect his crap, starting this weekend. No negotiating.

I think he is being lazy saying it should move with you (it's easy and convenient for him) as well as what other pp have said about manipulating and assuming he will be back in the home/your bed within no time.

SailAwaySailAwaySailAway · 27/05/2017 08:53

Delurking to say that I think he's hoping that he will be able to worm his way back in when the baby's born. He thinks you'll be vulnerable and hormonal so he's planning to take advantage of that. Seriously, organising movers is weird and manipulative. It's NOT a kind gesture.
Ask him for a list of what he considers to be his stuff then you can ID it with mini post its so that his packers can remove it before moving day. Your packers will then have a clear run. Obviously don't give him jointly owned stuff on the list if you're not happy to part with it.

rizlett · 27/05/2017 10:13

I'm not convinced organising movers for your pregnant wife is weird or manipulative - how comes it seems to be that for so many?

Would we be saying that if H had not been unfaithful?

Surely he is just trying to do the best he can in the circumstances.

noova61 · 27/05/2017 10:42

No we wouldnt be saying its weird if he hadnt been unfaithful,(if he hadnt TREES wouldnt be here) he has tho and it is weird, its conveinent for him to have his stuff at her house...he still has too much contact with her that way...and too much control over what happens to it when its in HER house. We all see what we want to see, hes trying to control the move and her ability to try and move on. Thats just the way I see it.

kittensinmydinner1 · 27/05/2017 11:10

I don't see WH organising movers and packers for his pregnant wife as manipulative. I think he has done it because he wants to do something practical to help because he has caused this situation.
It is possible you know - that he is genuinely genuinely sorry.

I do not think there are many people on this earth who haven't made the most awful errors of behaviour at times. That he is genuinely remorseful is not in doubt.

The only question to be answered is for the OP. Can she forgive. For some it is possible. For others not. Only she knows the answer to that one.
But to assume manipulating behaviour by her husband for trying - no matter who small a way - is really not helpful..

SailAwaySailAwaySailAway · 27/05/2017 11:23

The best thing he can do for her now is to actually listen to her and respect her requests for space, not set his own agenda. His boundaries are clearly shot to shit and this is more evidence of that.
I don't think from his behaviour that he's even begun to understand the damage he's done or to own the personal faults that meant he gave himself permission to do what he did.

SailAwaySailAwaySailAway · 27/05/2017 11:30

It is weird and manipulative because he didn't ask her first whether she would like him to arrange movers. He just went ahead and did it without consulting her.

Joysmum · 27/05/2017 11:55

I don't see WH organising movers and packers for his pregnant wife as manipulative. I think he has done it because he wants to do something practical to help because he has caused this situation

Even assuming that's correct, he's still ignore the wants and needs of trees yet again and doing whatever the hell he feels and ignoring the fact that trees wants at least a period of separation. As always, it's all about him.

kittensinmydinner1 · 27/05/2017 18:13

he's still ignore the wants and needs of trees yet again and doing whatever the hell he feels and ignoring the fact that trees wants at least a period of separation.

But I just don't think most men even begin to think like that.
I think they have a much more simplistic way of behaving. And that a level of guile and duplicity has been attributed to WH that probably doesn't exist.
Much more likely to be . ' I have really really fucked up. May have fucked it up for ever. What can I do to make her life easier and make her like me again. ?

Joysmum · 27/05/2017 18:42

We'll have to agree to disagree kittens. The men in my life (in successful relationships) are all more than capable of being emotionally mature, I don't think my expectations of men are too high, but I do think yours are too low.

kittensinmydinner1 · 27/05/2017 22:51

Been very happily married with one blip entirely of my making for 15 yrs. work full time and have 8 kids between us, so my expectations of a spouse as genuine 50% helpmeet are pretty dam high. My view that pretty much everyone makes dismal life choices a times and can genuinely regret it, is not a sign of low standards but understanding that comes with life experience. Not all is always black and white. That doesn't mean because you should forgive. That is for no one to decide but you.

For my part, as a criminal investigator who spends months at a time in court with the likes of the OP - I am in awe of how she has managed to keep functioning. Criminal law can be ridiculously complex, how she keeps going day to day , with all this emotional stress not to mention the hormonal oscillations of pregnancy would floor most people. I am genuinely blown away by your stoicism OP.

Syc4moreTrees · 28/05/2017 10:30

Went to meet my DB yesterday for some birthday tea. Was really good to get away for the day away from everything.

WH has the boys today so I'm just sitting down to get some work done.

I don't think he was trying to be a dick with the removals thing, just covering the bases he knows I would miss. I suppose he is sort of carrying on as if everything is normal, when it really isn't, but we can't both just sit around wringing our hands and ignoring that things need to be done. It's so hard to know what boundaries should be set.

I just don't know what we're supposed to do. The whole thing is so alien.

Thanks again for all the support and words of encouragement. You're all lovely.

OP posts:
noova61 · 28/05/2017 11:22

Trees...you set the boundaries, you are in control of this as hes the one who caused the breakup. You decide what help you want/need...not him. Its not normal for him to be carrying on as though nothing has happened...he should be asking you what he can do to help...not just doing it, hes lost that role.

kittensinmydinner1 · 28/05/2017 13:57

I also think it is quite 'normal' for a spouse who has done great wrong to want to carry on as before. I think he is quite aware that you are under enormous pressure physically, emotionally and mentally and is trying to make amends by relieving some of that pressure. The fact that he hasn't asked if it's 'ok' can be put down to 'being controlling' or more likely- knowing what's needed and not wanting to bother you.
I think the ball is in your court on this one OP. He is doing the stuff he would normally do. To leave it to you would just add to all the crap you are already dealing with and seems really unfair. If you don't want him to do stuff for you then you simply tell him to stop.

YoLoZammo · 28/05/2017 14:25

it's the " I'm trying to pretend none of this happened" denial tactic to make himself feel better and less guilt ridden. It's all about him and his feelings.

kittensinmydinner1 · 28/05/2017 19:35

I think that is far too simplistic. And rather a typical assumption that ALL philandering husbands are self-serving self absorbed bastards who are intent on controlling their wives whilst planning to continue their previous appalling behaviour.
Because for some - that is EXACTLY what they do.
However from what the OP has said about her spouses behaviour- this does not sound at all like the situation. I know the expected narrative on MN is that a cheating husband is NEVER genuinely sorry but I do not believe in RL that that is the case.
I simply do not believe that every move he is currently making is one of guile and manipulation.
Ask yourself simply this. If you had done something really really stupid. Something so hurtful and upsetting that your partner would quite rightly leave you , with all the consequences to your family that that entails ; would you not be going out of your way to 'be helpful' in any way and as unobtrusively as you could ?

OP - don't get me wrong. There is no one who would not completely understand it if you decided you could not get over it - but sometimes MN is so over run with people who scream LTB that the alternative pathway , to consider rebuilding and to forgive - can occasionally be regarded as a definite no-no - when it is just as valid as

ItsNachoCheese · 28/05/2017 19:50

Glad to see that your still being awsome and not surprised to see your wanker xh is still being a wanker

RedastheRose · 28/05/2017 20:45

There is probably more of 'his stuff' than you realise. Sports/hobbies/interests equipment, old clothes, shoes, cd's, records, presents and gifts given as mementos of special occasions etc. Go through the house with black bin bags and boxes and pack everything that you would consider to be his into them. You can chuck them in the garage or a corner of a room for now. Ask him to take them with him to his parents or sort out storage until you've decided what you want.

I have a feeling that he thinks that when you have the baby you are going to need his help and he will be able to just come and get his feet back under the table (accidentally staying when you fall asleep tired out - that sort of thing) and by the time you are able to cope he will then make out you're being unreasonable to force him to leave!

You need to make proper plans about when you have the baby, ask your DB or a good friend or another family member to come and stay and help out for the first few weeks when your head will be all over the place. It can be a rota of different people doesn't have to be the same person. Just so long as you are not obliged to rely upon WH.

Also be fully prepared for the guilt trip. You are depriving him of being fully involved in his new DCs life - you never get those days back type of talk - remind yourself (and him) that it was his actions that have resulted in things happening like this not yours. His fault, his responsibility, he only has himself to blame. He will most probably start the blame shifting behaviour soon as he will feel he has apologised enough and you should have got over it by now. Remind him that only you can decide when and if you feel like you are able to try again and him putting pressure on you to resume normal service is making you feel manipulated and less likely to give him another chance not more.

You are doing fabulously btw,

Mumfun · 29/05/2017 15:41

Trees you are heavily pregnant and must be tired. This is where I would ask friends to step in. It would be very painful to go through his stuff for you. I would ask a couple of friends or your brother to do you a favour and clear his stuff out and take it away. I would also ask another friend or relative to help you get the baby stuff ready. Anything else you need help with also ask friends now. They would like you to ask

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