He had an affair...breaking out the Ben & Jerry's (2)

[Syc4moreTrees]

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/thirty_days_only/2914533-If-hes-having-an-affair?

Not sure if I've managed to create a link to the old thread...someone more tech savvy can maybe help me out a little bit if not?

The old thread closed before i could thank you all again for all the collective wisdom, it's been a very surreal month to say the least, but it's been crazy how much support you can get from a bunch of lovely strangers.

So thanks!! You're all awesome!

Can you finish work early today? Take it easy

Trees, your stress must be off the scale.It's not going to
do your health any good having these life changing stresses coming at you one after the other.
So if having WH cook you dinner, sort the house move and the DC plus be on hand for the new lo takes some of the strain off you then I'd do it. Nothing is set in stone.
If, in 2,3 or 6 months down the line you can cope with it all and want
him to find his own place then that's ok too. You're driving this coach now so it's your rules.

The OW just sounds so desperate there are times when all you have is dignity and a little pride and she has lost that. Grim.

Is WH 'worming' or working hard to make up for being a tosser?

Oh, please take it easy OP. Could someone else move in with you for a bit to help, if you needed it?

I really really really don't think you should allow him to be cooking dinner/moving into the spare room. It's not as if he just sent a flirty text or eyed up a woman in a pub. Do you think you could ever let him near you again?

I think you're being amazingly strong and dignified. I would have started proceedings already.

I wish you all the best! And please do take it easy and put your feet up where possible!

I also think you should let WH helps you as much as you want/need but please do not let him move in to the spare room!

Hang on, they had sex more than once? "all afternoon"?

Has he admitted to that, or did he say it was just once? Argh.

The moving in/cooking dinner is invasive and suggests he still doesn't grasp that you need space and time. Get an au pair or nanny if you can stretch to it and put her in the spare room (or him - wonder how that would go down!).

I think hat you are coping amazingly well. You should be very proud of yourself. Take some time to make decisions but ultimately do what feels right for yourself and no one else.
If you decide to separate the kids will adjust. If you decide to stay it must be on your terms.
Good luck x

Trees first things first- can you go home? You need to look after yourself as a priority.

There is absolutely nothing I can say to even try to make you feel better, but know that I'm absolutely for you xx

Been following this from first post

Firstly Trees you are fabulously awesome - can we be friends? You sound like someone I'd hang with. I have a lady crush on you.

Secondly the thing that worries me most about her email is it shows just how much they were emotionally involved and fully intent on continuing the disception (except fate intervened). She's tracked down your work email address which means she knows stuff about you. Does she know your pregnant? She sounds unhinged in a bunny boiler Glen Close kind of way to send such a communication. I would have understood "he'd lied to both of us" type of email but not a meandering email defending him

I agree with your reaction to not react - am just concerned with level of intimacy and the propensity for them to find a way to continue it

OW appears to live in a fantasy world (literally, hence her outrage that Trees has "banned" WH from his stupid game) so I assume she's convinced herself they're star-crossed lovers rather than a pair of sordid cheats.

Guard - I'll download the King of Narnia App and meet you there for flirty banter which may or may not culminate in an 8 hour train journey to meet for sordid monkey activities.

I think he is done with her, genuinely i feel like since its all come tumbling out hes been a bit like a captive who has emerged into the sunlight for the first time in years and is now blinking dopily against the sun. It's not to say i think he fell into this thing or didn't make deliberate and stupid choices, it's just that i think he's beginning to comprehend the magnitude of it all and is questioning why she was worth all this.

As close a relationship as they may have had i think (hope?) that he realises it doesn't really compare to the years we have had together. But who knows.

I think she was most likely drunk and angry and has acted like a bit of a tit, i would be really surprised if she contacted me again. I know if i was her i would have gone and boiled my head when i remembered sending that, but i guess i really don't know her at all so maybe shes unhinged or maybe he has behaved more dishonestly towards her than he is telling me.

I've just left work for the day, only two days left of this case and then hopefully things will wind down for me. I think i'm sort of in denial about a baby coming in three weeks, but will make time to look into childcare options so at least i can make a decision about whether WH is there, rather than just running out of time and needing him to move in so that we all survive.

thanks as ever for all the voices of reason, and for assuring me that i'm being as fair as i can be in the circumstances.

Dear lord the last thing you want to be thinking of as you push his baby out of your foof is him having monkey sex with some randomer. Definitely don't give her the dignity of a response and block her. I wouldn't tell Monkey about the email either. Or have him staying in your house. I can't see how that's good for the DCs. Very confusing.
Are you allowing him in the labour room?

Actually being in labour would allow for some spectacular venting, should you feel the need, Trees

If he moves back, you realise how difficult it will be for the DC if he then leaves again? I suspect that he is banking on this, and it is why he is suggesting it.

cant believe you had to cope with this too

1. I would not let him in spare room or in house in any capacity except visiting and not let him near me in labour. He could see baby when born. In labour you need someone you are totally comfortable with and can rely on -I think you would have a better labour with him not there.
2. I would get relative to stay if possible or doula . Or get someone competent and kind to come in daily to help.
3. I would never contact OW . I would tell him she contacted me and that it was utterly unacceptable and you had dealt with it. But I wouldnt let him see email.

stick to your guns about him and his bloody stuff not moving with you, he is trying desperately to maintain the previous status quo and hoping to slither in under the wire while you are having a weak moment

too bloody bad he misses the baby days! He should have thought of that before monkeying about with Jezebel

Does anyone in his circle know you are going ahead on your own with the house, or has he let that one lie for now...again with the convalescing at his parents to save you the extra work and completely neglecting to mention his infidelities and bad behaviour and just hoping that he will seem too useful to kick him out?

I'd beat him over the fucking head with that email and forward it to his address book. But I am not known to be calm or reasonable.

Can't believe she has emailed you . What a silly woman. Obviously she is gutted to be cut out completely and was after some drama hence the reason for the graphic stuff hoping that she gets a rise out if you. Best to ignore and file in the keep for potential divorce drawer.

Are you actually going into labour I'm worried about you now?

I'd reconsider the joint counselling it does help regardless of what is the final outcome to your relationship

trees you are a freaking rock star. Do I remember you mentioning you're in Scotland or did I make that bit up?

If I'm local am happy to help in any way but I agree with those advising not letting him work his was back in just now. It's such a time for you & you're being brilliant.

Forward it to WH as the reason you have changed your mind about him moving in.

Her contacting you goes to show the sheer bloody stupidity not to mention recklessness of his actions. She could be a dangerous psychopath or blackmailer for all he knew or cared.

I agree too about him being like a captive in his fantasy world.
His friend warned him but he was too far in to it to really take it in.
I can have some understanding/empathy with that aspect of it myself but his affair took place in the harsh glare of real life where he was fully engaged with all his surroundings.

Hope the next couple of days in work fly by for you, Trees. It must
be all so difficult for you right now, my heart goes out to you.
Whatever you decide, I hope you can find a way through this and be
content.

Old guard-I also wondered if he had told her you had 'banned' him from the game or wether she decided that for herself to avoid the reality that he has dropped her.If the former it's a bit sinister.If the latter then she should shut the hell up.
Do we know she knew he was married at the time of the affair or wether that has been a surprise to her?
Either way it's s fucked up situation of WH's making.

I can see why you would want him to be around to help with the baby. I would imagine that at this point all you want is to go back a few weeks and for this to have never happened so it will be tempting to let him back in and have a nice family time of it with the new one when he or she arrives.I don't think anyone would blame
You for taking that path. But I think he has got a lot more work to do before he deserves to be back in your and dc's lives as he was before.And I hope he doesn't use the new baby as a way back.
You are doing so well op.. I'm sorry you have and to deal with her sticking her oar in wether she was drunk or not.

Omg can't believe she emailed you with such a bitchy bullshit email!

God I really hope her husband has found out. He would also be able to use that email in divorce proceedings! Especially as she's so 'in love' with WH and not her own (probably unsuspecting) husband. regardless she will get caught out somewhere down the line anyway.

Pretty please can you give us her email address so we can send her a barrage of threatening emails add her to a load of dodgy mailing lists so she gets her identity stolen send her a load of spam?

She is married too?