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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

He had an affair...breaking out the Ben & Jerry's (2)

907 replies

Syc4moreTrees · 24/05/2017 11:05

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/thirty_days_only/2914533-If-hes-having-an-affair?

Not sure if I've managed to create a link to the old thread...someone more tech savvy can maybe help me out a little bit if not?

The old thread closed before i could thank you all again for all the collective wisdom, it's been a very surreal month to say the least, but it's been crazy how much support you can get from a bunch of lovely strangers.

So thanks!! You're all awesome!

OP posts:
Original poster
Syc4moreTrees · 30/05/2017 01:34

I don't think I can do it on my own. And I don't know how to forgive him.

OP posts:
Mummyof4rugrats · 30/05/2017 01:44

the fact you've got this far shows just how strong you are! I wouldn't know what I would have done in your position. Hard enough being pregnant let alone having to deal with all of this too! I personally could never forgive my husband if he did it to me. Especially at what should be an exciting special time in both of your lives (baby) it would be tainted and I'd look back with regret that he'd ruined it. I'd want revenge! Not doing anything nasty just moving forward with my head held high while giving him the middle finger! You can do this Smile put him behind you and concentrate on your beautiful little ones xx sorry I'm not much help! But really am thinking of you! Xx

MsPavlichenko · 30/05/2017 01:47

You can do it on your own because you are doing it own your own.

You might be able to forgive him . You might not.

You have options, and you have done amazingly so far. You can continue with your plans to move, get support from all the family, and also set up a more formal contact arrangement with him. This will be better for the DC, and help you to set boundaries that help you all.

Nothing is set in stone, but the more stability you can achieve the better. It is scary, and not easy. The easy option is to take him back, and magic things back to as they were. You're not daft. You can't do that, so you've got to start again. In the longer term who knows? He might be part of it, but you'll be so much happier if you are making that decision from a position of strength, not fear. Thinking of you.

UnicornSparkles1 · 30/05/2017 01:49

I think you've reached the stage where you need to decide if you want to try to work through this, or call it a day and move on. If it's the former then maybe counselling would help? Either together or separately. If it's the latter then I would use your house move as the clean break. Tell him that his things can't move with you and that he really needs to look for a home of his own. Whichever way you go I think you're incredibly brave and strong Flowers

nigelsbigface · 30/05/2017 14:19

When is the counselling? Are you both going or just him?

Sofabitch · 30/05/2017 14:21

You can do this on your own. But it takes tome to get routines etc etc.

He needs to get his own place. And a fixed visitation order in place so that you know when that next break is coming.

Can you look at your child care? Is there anything you can do there? How about a cleaner? Or even look at gettong an aupair or nanny to help once baby comes along.

I'm in absolute awe of you.

I've seen friends carry on afterwards and they are so unhappy. Constantly on egg shells and the trust never 100% returns. Its only easier on the short term to take him back.

Alpies · 30/05/2017 15:23

If you want to work through this, may be some couples therapy might help?

Oopsthatstornit · 30/05/2017 22:00

I've been there, it's so tempting to just let it go, and think that everything will be fine.

It won't. I'm over a year down the line. And it's fucking awful.

Stick with it just now, don't take him back, you will be so pleased you did. I wish I'd done what you're doing.

Mumfun · 30/05/2017 22:59

Trees you dont have to decide now. Its an ok decision in itself. But dont let him move back in. Say you need time to work through everything.

It doesnt stop you reconciliing further down the line.

But real reconciliation is hard work. And needs time and thought and commitment. And you have a lot on your plate just now. Many folk who let the wayward spouse back easily really regret it in the future. If you decide you want him back he has to work really hard to earn your trust etc. If he has just slid back in he doesnt have to work hard. It just takes it back to the place where he was prepared to cheat from before. Hes got to work himself into a different place for there to be any chance. He has also got to be really remorseful and go to individual counselling to work out why he cheated and address it. Otherwise again no chance long term. Its all such tough stuff especially with kids in the mix too. But its worth being strong now for what you want and need for a better future.

SchnitzelVonKrumm · 31/05/2017 09:41

How are you today, Trees?

Original poster
Syc4moreTrees · 31/05/2017 09:48

Thanks all for being so nice, I know i'm being a bit negative about things!

WH started his counselling yesterday. Hopefully he will find the answers he needs from it. He asked if i would consider couples counselling with him, but right now I don't think i have the capacity for it. I have so much going on.

WH has taken charge of getting the house packed, and of picking up all the truckery for the impending arrival. I know i've been cautioned against allowing him to slip his scaley wee feet back under the table, but frankly i need the help, and he might as well be useful in spite of his twattery.

OP posts:
XxStefxX · 31/05/2017 10:00

Hi OP, "he might as well be useful in spite of his twattery" I agree. You have so much going on ATM and need help. Hope your ok xxx

ohfourfoxache · 31/05/2017 12:54

Trees! I didn't realise this was your thread Thanks

I'm going to be very blunt: use the tosser for all that he is worth. Needing help and forgiving are 2 completely separate things. It doesn't mean that you're going back to "normal", it doesn't mean that he's moving back in with you. It just means that you have lots on and, understandably, need some support.

saffronwblue · 31/05/2017 12:57

As everyone has said, you are amazingly strong. What a stupid man he is.
Buy in help for when the baby comes - ask all your friends etc but if you can , pay for a few weeks of support, even for a couple of hours a day so you can go and get an extra sleep.

Mumfun · 31/05/2017 13:20

Glad you didnt agree to couple counselling. Not the right thing now at all. If you have time some individual counselling for you might help -or just getting supported by some of your friends and being able to talk to them.

But couple counselling is only when you have decided what you want. And you arent there yet.

He can wait for anything and everything until you are ready - the least he can do!

Original poster
Syc4moreTrees · 31/05/2017 14:35

I know he shouldn't get any points for being helpful, but he is being massively helpful right now with organising things and sorting the kids out, although they've both started asking when daddy is coming home, and his response is generally just a bit of a shrug and telling them its up to mummy. That's a bit annoying as i feel like the kids are now blaming me for him not being at home for bedtimes and weekends and all our little routines.

I really really miss him, but am finding it difficult to get past the fact he's slept with another woman, and may have continued to do so if i hadn't found out.

part of me thinks it's not like he had a full blown affair for months and fathered other kids and stole all our money etc etc so it's maybe not all that bad and i should just move on.

I don't want to over-react and lose my marriage but I don't seem to be able to rationalise it enough to just brush it off.

OP posts:
MsPavlichenko · 31/05/2017 15:23

Saying that to your DC is the opposite of helpful. Not only is he confusing them, he is clearly assuming that he will definitely be back. And, importantly abdicating responsibility . In spite of the fact that this entire situation is down to him.

Whatever you decide in the future it will be helpful to set some guidelines, especially for the DC.

Explaining that you are apart for the time being, saying you are not sure if you will all live in the same house again (not that you definitely wont), but that you both love them and will see lots of them.

He isn't doing weekends/bedtimes because ha has done fuck all about finding anywhere to have them. If he's such a great Dad it would be a priority. That's not giving up o the relationship. That's taking responsibility, giving you space and co parenting properly, albeit separately at the moment.

The DC will be far better with stability, and having time with you both. You'll cope, and there is nothing to stop him helping practically when appropriate, as long as it's not confusing the DC.

He is being selfish, and subtly pressuring you constantly. It is no wonder you can't process it . And I am not saying that this has to be the end necessarily.

annielouise · 31/05/2017 15:34

I don't think you can rationalise it. And why should you anyway.

Can you live with it? Does the life you had with him outweigh what he did? Even only minutely? Perhaps you'll never know. You might spend the next two years trying for it not to work. Would it be a life of you second guessing and checking up on him? You're pregnant so feeling vulnerable too. A shitty thing made extra shitty with his timing.

nigelsbigface · 31/05/2017 15:35

That's really unfair of him to say that to the kids. He needs to take a bit of responsibility and that it's it all on you.In fact that's bloody awful.

I don't think you kid be accused of over reacting in the slightest.

NotMyPenguin · 31/05/2017 15:49

You don't have to do it alone.

Even if you're not partners any more, he's still the father of your DC and (if he's a decent parent, which it sounds like it is) should keep on shouldering a good part of the responsibility of that. If you can enable it with good grace as you move on, then you will have a very valuable co-parenting relationship.

My dad left my mum for the OW (our DSM for nearly 30 years now -- he had told her that he was separated, so she didn't know at the time that she was the OW and I don't blame her at all). It was a really difficult situation for everybody but I'm eternally proud of the lot of them that they managed to work together gracefully to make it as good as possible for us children. We have great relationships with all of them now, including my DM's XP and then my DSF who she married 20 years ago. But it took a lot of courage and emotional energy to make it work so well, I think now.

NotMyPenguin · 31/05/2017 15:49

... especially on my mum's part...

Original poster
Syc4moreTrees · 01/06/2017 11:10

Feeling more like myself today, sorry for having been such a downer, i think i slipped into a poor wee downtrodden martyr for a couple of days there :D

WH husband is at home today sorting out packing and when i get finished for the day (hopefully soon) I've said i'll take him to get a car sorted out now that he's able to drive, but his car was wrecked in the accident. Kids are going to PIL after school so we're going to get something to eat and try and decide what we do once the baby arrives.

He's suggested he moves into the new house and just stays in the spare room so he's there to help with baby and can get the boys sorted for school until the end of term. I'm tempted by the ease of that arrangement but also that's just him living with us isn't it, and we'll fall into old routines and habits and probably not address things correctly. The baby is definitely complicating things.

I don't want him to miss out on newborn time and in between the maelstrom we're both excited about the new arrival, but also hes a massive dickhead who shagged a random internet Jezebel.

Also, in other news, said Jezebel emailed me and since he obviously Hmm isn't in touch with her i'm not sure how she got my email address...very curious i don't think.

OP posts:
NotMyPenguin · 01/06/2017 11:22

The cheek!!! What on earth did she say?

ohfourfoxache · 01/06/2017 11:26

She emailed you? Shock

WTAF? What did she have to say for herself?

UnicornSparkles1 · 01/06/2017 11:26

Noooo! To say what?! I hope it was a very sincere apology.

Glad you're feeling more like yourself today, but you're definitely allowed some down days too Flowers