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Original poster

My wife says lots of women refuse to have sex with their husbands. Is that right

230 replies

stephied · 23/05/2017 20:52

I am a guy, but I wanted to ask a question, because I know this board is mostly read by women, and I wanted to get a female perspective on a problem I have.

My marriage has been largely sexless for 6/7 years. By that, I mean we average once every 5/6 weeks. When we do have sex, it is very dull. Always on a Sat night, from about 10.20 to 10.40. If I try and make it a bit more interesting – say by buying some massage oil – my wife bats it away.

I have tried to talk to her about it. She is initially sympathetic, but then says huffily ‘Well, lots of women refuse to have sex with their husbands completely.’ Her point, I suppose is that I should be grateful if we manage it 9/10 times a year.

A bit on our situation, for some context.

I think I am a pretty good husband. We have 3 kids, 2 girls, one boy. Married 15 years. I provide well for her – big house, two nice cars, kids at great schools (mix of private and state), no money worries, luxury holidays, etc. I also do 50%-plus of the childcare. I run my own (pretty successful) company, so I have a lot of flexibility, while she has re-trained and now works 4 days a week, 3 in the office. I earn 3 to 4 times as much as she does, but I don’t object to the amount of childcare I have to do, although it sometimes seems unfair – being the principle parent (I take the day off if one of the kids is sick for example) is stressful when you also have to earn most of the money (we couldn’t begin to live on what she earns). We moved to York 10 years ago, and I know she found it hard to settle. But apart from that I don’t think she really has anything to complain about.

But I am really struggling with the lack of sex. I get spells of depression, for example, which I think are related to that. As I said, I have tried to talk to her about it several times. If I do, it might get better for a couple of weeks. After that, it just slips back into the same old pattern. I have tried to counselling, but she always found excuses to stop it.

Some of my mates tell me I should just visit an escort occasionally. Or have an affair. But I don’t really want to do that. Or I could leave her, but I think it would devastate the kids.

What should I do?

Is my situation normal?

Is she right that she is better than most wives?

If not, is there anything I can say to her that might make her feel this was a problem we needed to address?

Thanks.

OP posts:
Prawnofthepatriarchy · 09/10/2018 04:49

ZOMBIE THREAD ALERT

m0vinf0rward · 09/10/2018 06:31

It's clear to me that the OP won't really get much in the way of advice here and the double standards are off the scale. OP firm one man to another ...leave your wife because it will only get worse. She clearly has already made her mind up as to what your relationship will be like and there is next to nothing you can do that will change her mind. No one likes to feel unwanted so much suggestion (having been in your exact situation) is to get out whilst you have some sanity left and start again. You kids will accept the change well if handled correctly and there are plenty of resources to allow you to do this. Don't accept a miserable life with a wife who doesn't meet your needs. Staying and being miserable is soul destroying...don't do it.

ShatnersWig · 09/10/2018 07:58

ZOMBIE THREAD

ravenmum · 09/10/2018 08:15

Zombie thread the OP never even returned to back then!

AgentJohnson · 09/10/2018 09:01

Your wife is entitled not to want have more frequent sex, just as not having more frequent sex could be a deal breaker for you.

Sexual incompatibility is a thing and you can't make her want more sex just as she can't make you more happy with less. If counselling hasn't worked and she refuses to discuss it further, then you have a decision to make. Is the continuation of the status quo a deal breaker?

Your mates suggestion of what available orifice is ok, says a lot about their maturity and sense of entitlement, urgh.

ShatnersWig · 09/10/2018 09:03

@AgentJohnson Ah someone who doesn't read the full thread or you'd have noticed three of us pointing out this is a ZOMBIE THREAD

ZOMBIE
ZOMBIE
ZOMBIE
ZOMBIE

babygoose48 · 09/10/2018 10:29

Ive not been interested in sex at all the past month with my DP, although I usually have a really high sex drive and can’t usually last a day or two.

The reasons for this at the moment is

  1. I’m unwell and run down
  2. I’m borderline depressed
  3. We’ve been arguing loads recently and I dont feel close to him at the moment
  4. i don’t want to be intimate with him if I don’t feel it...

I know full well I am saying I’m just tired and run down but there is more to what is going on at the moment, as per my points in bold. If she’s not having sex with you, it may be something that’s either going on in her mind or something emotionally. Sometimes women don’t just need the typical providing husband to get by, they need emotional and deeper need support as well.

I hope you find out what this is and get back on track. Needless to say? She’s also being fairly selfish by not making the effort - this is a marriage between two people after all not just one - but she will have her reasons.

busybarbara · 09/10/2018 10:51

do you think they should have sex they don't want to make someone happy?

My DH isn't very keen on doing the washing up or putting the bins out but he does it to make me happy Smile

ShatnersWig · 09/10/2018 10:53

Fuck's sake, people. This is a ZOMBIE THREAD. It's almost 18 months old.

ZOMBIE
ZOMBIE
ZOMBIE

Nothing to see here, move along please.

ZOMBIE
ZOMBIE
ZOMBIE

You try and point it out so that others don't waste their time commenting but no.

ZOMBIE
ZOMBIE
ZOMBIE

busybarbara · 09/10/2018 20:52

You're the only one to keep pointing this out.. so that might indicate other people are not quite so worried about it as you? Zombie threads come back all the time on MN.

Mother196 · 09/10/2018 21:08

Honestly that does sound very strange all women are tired due to being full time mothers or being pregnant but that is odd, you need to sit her down and tell her that it's not natural for her to be feeling this way, maybe act the way you did when you first met? Snog her out of the blew maybe

Dandylie · 10/10/2018 01:04

@BusyBarbara You are really beginning to get my goat. Taking out the bins even though you don’t want to is a very different kettle of fish to having sex when you don’t want to.

Rebecca36 · 10/10/2018 01:16

Once every 5/6 weeks sounds good to me.
Stop moaning, if everything else is OK and you show you care for eachother the lack of sex is low on list of priorities.

When the children are older and you get more time to yourselves, including sometimes going away for a night or weekend, things will improve.

1forAll74 · 10/10/2018 02:21

If you can talk openly to your wife about all things,then this is what you should do, I don't believe in all this counselling stuff at all, Two intelligent adults should be able to sort their problems out.

I would not ever slam a person down, like has been done to you on here. as everyone's life is different.

I think that hundreds and hundreds of people have problems with their sex lives, you are not alone.
Good luck !!

Hopoindown31 · 10/10/2018 07:58

@rebecca36 I think that is pretty dismissive to be honest. 8 times a year is not enough for many men (or women!) and most counsellors would see that as a sexless marriage.

busybarbara · 10/10/2018 21:55

Taking out the bins even though you don’t want to is a very different kettle of fish to having sex when you don’t want to.

Obviously. But any activity one partner does for the other that I could pick is going to be "different" and unlikely to satisfy you as you've already decided sex is a totally unique activity with no parallels Gin

yetmorecrap · 10/10/2018 22:29

But that's just the point Barbara, it is a totally unique activitythat involves hearts and minds and hormones. Washing up or bins doesn't require you to get naked, or show enjoyment or even act interested if you aren't. I am going to be honest I see a lot of reasonably attractive women in town with some pretty grim blokes who clearly haven't bothered with themselves in years. Their wives may love them as people but I would I admit struggle to be remotely interested sexually in most of these men and I can bet you plenty of them are out there moaning about the lack of sex.

ferando81 · 10/10/2018 22:38

It doesn't matter if you are the perfect husband ,some will blame you.Sounds like she doesn't fancy you -I couldn't stay with someone who didn't want me .

Dandylie · 10/10/2018 22:51

@BusyBarbara I give up. No one should have sex out of a sense of duty or because they feel the need to make the other person happy, when they don’t want to have sex themselves. Someone is invading your body for Christ’s sake. It does not compare to any household task. Your attitude on this thread and others makes me sick - I despair for my daughter if attitudes like yours still prevail, especially if you are a woman (although as I have said before I would bet you are a man).

Rebecca36 · 11/10/2018 04:30

I do feel a bit sorry for the op actually but what I wanted to emphasise is that there is more to love than sex. Sex can actually put great pressure on a relationship and spoil it completely if one is always wanting it and the other not.

It's also a fact that when a couple have more time to themselves, their intimate life improves.

Sally2791 · 11/10/2018 05:47

Would you prefer her not to be able to refuse? I suggest you address the underlying issues with genuine compassion

busybarbara · 11/10/2018 11:28

Would you prefer her not to be able to refuse?

No, but it's such a key area of incompatibility (1001 threads on it on MN) that if neither partner can compromise, they should split. Yet compromise is what most people are able to achieve but it can't all be one sided.

Thinkingofausername1 · 14/10/2018 04:39

You sound actually quite arrogant and full or yourself. Life isn't always about sex. Start appreciating her other ways, instead of trying to impress her with your lifestyle, to get her into bed.

SunnyInGrimsby · 14/10/2018 10:19

I'm not surprised the OP never came back given the abuse he got.

A lot of couples have this problem and it should be treated compassionately.
I have avoided sex with my DP for 3 years and for some reason he sticks around but I'd quite understand if he didn't or if he had an affair.
Some women just can't face it after the menopause.

But to bully a man who obviously still cares a great deal about his wife and is trying to understand (his wife sounds very uncommunicative), I feel posters have been unnecessarily cruel.

I suspect a woman posting in the same situation would have had better advice.

Hopoindown31 · 14/10/2018 12:00

@SunnyinGrimsby

Undoubtedly.

Have you discussed your situatio with your own DP. I've been through a severe dry spell that almost wrecked my relationship while thinking that it wasn't so bad as my DP was sticking around. Men are experts at bottling up their hurt until it turns into something very destructive.