My wife says lots of women refuse to have sex with their husbands. Is that right

[stephied]

I am a guy, but I wanted to ask a question, because I know this board is mostly read by women, and I wanted to get a female perspective on a problem I have.

My marriage has been largely sexless for 6/7 years. By that, I mean we average once every 5/6 weeks. When we do have sex, it is very dull. Always on a Sat night, from about 10.20 to 10.40. If I try and make it a bit more interesting – say by buying some massage oil – my wife bats it away.

I have tried to talk to her about it. She is initially sympathetic, but then says huffily ‘Well, lots of women refuse to have sex with their husbands completely.’ Her point, I suppose is that I should be grateful if we manage it 9/10 times a year.

A bit on our situation, for some context.

I think I am a pretty good husband. We have 3 kids, 2 girls, one boy. Married 15 years. I provide well for her – big house, two nice cars, kids at great schools (mix of private and state), no money worries, luxury holidays, etc. I also do 50%-plus of the childcare. I run my own (pretty successful) company, so I have a lot of flexibility, while she has re-trained and now works 4 days a week, 3 in the office. I earn 3 to 4 times as much as she does, but I don’t object to the amount of childcare I have to do, although it sometimes seems unfair – being the principle parent (I take the day off if one of the kids is sick for example) is stressful when you also have to earn most of the money (we couldn’t begin to live on what she earns). We moved to York 10 years ago, and I know she found it hard to settle. But apart from that I don’t think she really has anything to complain about.

But I am really struggling with the lack of sex. I get spells of depression, for example, which I think are related to that. As I said, I have tried to talk to her about it several times. If I do, it might get better for a couple of weeks. After that, it just slips back into the same old pattern. I have tried to counselling, but she always found excuses to stop it.

Some of my mates tell me I should just visit an escort occasionally. Or have an affair. But I don’t really want to do that. Or I could leave her, but I think it would devastate the kids.

What should I do?

Is my situation normal?

Is she right that she is better than most wives?

If not, is there anything I can say to her that might make her feel this was a problem we needed to address?

Thanks.

[Puffpaw]

It sounds like you think you deserve sex because you are a good provider. Surely you want to be a good provider and parent for your family irrespective of the sex issue? That's just basic decency.

[AnnieAnoniMouse]

I think we have a visitor folks. They leave much more quickly if you don't offer refreshments.

[BluePeppers]

Well your dw is right that a lot of women refuse to have sex. Because they don't want it.

It doesn't mean it's the norm but women certainly have the right to say NO to having sex with their DH.

I have an issue with the 'im getting depressed. I think it's because we don't have sex'. How would you cope as a single man then??
It's a bit easy to make her THE person responsible for your wellbeing. Your MH is yours and it's up to you to take care of it.

As for the rest, you just haven't actually listened (or talked to ) your dw. Reasons as to why women don't want to have sex can be very varied (from full exhaustion to be taken for granted or a H that is crap in bed).

You are say for example that she doesn't want to 'spice things up' but have you ever checked with her what she likes (I would hate a massage for example) and do you know if she actually orgasms when you have sex? Is sex all about you or all about her or a mix of both? Rather than just focusing on how long it takes....

[Mischa123]

Wow, you are brave coming on here asking this! Having read these threads before people will rip you a new one for thinking that you should have sex within your marriage! No she doesn't owe you it but I do think sex is often part of a loving relationship and if it was a woman on here complaining her husband didn't find her attractive there would be loud cries of LTB! Don't seek intimacy elsewhere, that won't help, but don't stay in an unhappy relationship your kids won't thank you and you will all be unhappy forever!

[LadyGlitterSparklesSeriously]

10/10

[PyongyangKipperbang]

I think I am a pretty good husband

I am afraid that its what she thinks that count here.

I provide well for her – big house, two nice cars, kids at great schools (mix of private and state), no money worries, luxury holidays, etc

Do you give her any respect? All the cars and holidays in the world dont matter if you dont respect her and what she does.

I also do 50%-plus of the childcare. I run my own (pretty successful) company, so I have a lot of flexibility, while she has re-trained and now works 4 days a week, 3 in the office. I earn 3 to 4 times as much as she does, but I don’t object to the amount of childcare I have to do, although it sometimes seems unfair – being the principle parent (I take the day off if one of the kids is sick for example) is stressful when you also have to earn most of the money (we couldn’t begin to live on what she earns)

50/50 childcare is the basics, not the gold standard, its called being a parent. It might be worth you both writing down what you each do for the kids, you might find that your 50% is nowhere near. The same with housework, household admin, shopping, cooking etc who does the lions share of that?

By your own words, you have flexibility to take time off work, she doesnt. She is probably very aware that if she takes days off too often then she will lose her job and while that wont have much financial impact, it sounds very important to her self esteem and mental health.

We moved to York 10 years ago, and I know she found it hard to settle
why did you move? Was it a joint decision or one that was put on either one of you by the other?

But apart from that I don’t think she really has anything to complain about.

Possibly apart from the fact that you have posted on MN instead of sitting her down and asking to talk about things as a whole instead of just focussing on sex.

Are you physically affectionate in any other way? My sex life is officially dead because the only time my husband touches me is when he wants a shag, hard to feel cherished and sexy when you know its only the hole he is after. Not saying you do this, but think about it, when was the last time you had a hug without hoping it would turn into something else?

[WannaBe]

The fact that you're a man means that you will get a completely different range of responses than if you were a woman.

If this were a woman posting nobody would be asking whether or not the husband provided emotionally for her, whether or not he got to finish, whether or not the sex was satisfying to him. It's all about the woman's needs, and the reality is that in most instances it is universally recognised that women are allowed, expected even, to go off sex for periods of time and men have to accept that whereas if a man goes off sex there must be something wrong or he must be having an affair.

The reality is that if it's not satisfying you then it needs addressing. Her comment that all women withhold sex is grossly unfair. If you were wanting sex every day then that would be a fair point but once every six weeks is unfair, and no woman would be told on here that less than ten times a year was normal and she needed to do more for him to get more sex.

[Catsize]

It's not a sexless marriage at all. You don't seem to know anything about what she feels/thinks/wants from your OP. The 'I provide for her, so what's her problem?' message is just creepy.

[April229]

I think you've had quite a hard time here OP. Tif if you had not given the context of your wider relationship I think there would have been 100 questions asking if you do your bit as a partner, pay your share of the bills and child care, so thanks for getting that out of the way.

I think it's fair to ask, and it's fair to be frustrated that you are not on the same page sex wise. I agree with other posters about intimacy in general. How about going in a few dates, talking, not necessarily about this but other things, her work etc. Maybe if you are in step in other parts of your life it a) might be easier to talk about and b) easier for sex to follow?

[Ladylouanne]

There was a thread on here recently from a woman in the same position (her DH had no interest in sex). Everyone was hugely sympathetic to her and I don't recall her being grilled in the same way.

Why the constant double standard on this?

[April229]

Tif = tbf

[laurelstar]

Wow, OP is getting a seriously hard time on here. I feel sorry for you. Surely it's understandable that he says he has linked his depression to their lack of sex. He feels rejected by his wife, of course that could lead to rejection.
It sounds like you're doing so much OP and not getting anywhere near as much in return.
Once a month is not normal. For most women the biggest passion killer is being too tired/stressed, could this apply to your DW?
If you haven't been scared off by the unsympathetic posts so far, could you tell us more about what your wife says? It might give more clues.
Has she always been much less keen than you or was there a time you had a really good sex life?

[mrwalkensir]

Think being knackered affects female libido more than male - is she working 3-4 days but also picking up most of the housework and driving kids round? There maybe a shedload of stuff she has on her mind all the time about running the house. A real passion-killer even when you adore your husband. Can you get a week away together? Movingtoparadise is onto something - do you make each other laugh and touch each other (not sexually, just everyday stuff)? Do you both find yourself smiling when the other person walks into the room?

[TatianaLarina]

It's interesting how different the responses to this thread are than to threads by women in same situation - a spouse who doesn't want to have sex with them, refuses to talk about it, making them feel unattractive and unloved. Generally that evokes a lot of sympathy.

It's a very difficult situation OP. I think at this point, the only way to get through to your wife would be to explain to her that it's actually making you consider whether you want to continue the relationship. I can't see what else would galvanise her into discussing the issue. Do you think she'd agree to relationship counselling?

[laurelstar]

Sorry I mean, OP feels rejected by his wife, of course that could lead to depression.

[April229]

Yes, Lady, what you said.

[DJBaggySmalls]

Over my entire life I've only met 2 women that dont sleep with their husbands and they are both survivors of extreme abuse. They dont have happy marriages.
I've met one woman who openly says she withholds sex to get stuff.
Many women I know have had to abstain for medical reasons for up to 6 months, and moat have had problem with pressure from their partners as a result. Even though sex would have been injurious to their health.

Suggest that you both go for 8-12 weeks counselling, then couples counselling together. Then listen.
Because you make marriage sound like a material contract.

[TatianaLarina]

I agree with you laurelstar.

[HildaOg]

I agree you're getting a hard time. We all need someone who is compatible with us, whether our needs and desires. Sex is a huge part of life. I would cry if I only had it ten times a year.

Woo her, date her... Talk to her... If that doesn't work, couples therapy. If that doesn't work, move on.

[VioletHornswaggle]

I have not read the whole thread but contraception can be a big issue. I struggled to have a libido when on the pill. Hormonal contraceptives can ruin a sex life. Alternatively, perimenopause or menopause can be an issue too. Hormonal issues can also make you very tired. First thing I would do is look at your contraceptive solution.

[Kokusai]

It's interesting how different the responses to this thread are than to threads by women in same situation - a spouse who doesn't want to have sex with them, refuses to talk about it, making them feel unattractive and unloved. Generally that evokes a lot of sympathy.

Agreed.

[BarbarianMum]

It is fine not to stay in a relationship that makes you unhappy, for whatever reason. That would include lack of sex. Far better to leave then to cheat or pressure for sex.

Sex is a normal part of most marriages. Sexless marriages are only likely to last if both parties are on board.

[Oly5]

OP is getting a really hard time here. It is fine for him to want more sex than 9 times a year FFS. You sound like a lovely man who didn't want to leave his wife but is fed up of being rejected.
You have some choices. You can ask her to go for counselling and put more effort into your sex life, and ask her what you can do to improve things.
And if things don't improve you can suggest a trial separation.
I am somebody who is also pretty poor at having lots of sex and I know it affects my partner. I just have a low libido. But if I knew it was making him depressed, I'd genuinely try more.. I would.
Good luck

[Lockheart]

I've always said when your sex life is good it's 20% of your relationship, when it's bad it's 80%...

Given it sounds like you've already tried to approach this by talking to her, counselling etc, you have 2 options:

Option 1 is learn to live with it. This does not mean having an affair or seeing prostitutes.

Option 2, if you cannot live with it, and attempts at fixing the problem have failed, is to leave.

Everyone has the right to be happy in their relationship.

Your wife is under no obligation to sleep with you, and equally you are under no obligation to remain in the relationship if you are truly unhappy.

I think you're getting a hard time on here - personally, I cannot fathom how painful and lonely it would be for me if my partner decided to start rejecting me sexually and only condescended to have sex out of a sense of duty and "fine, let's just get it over with". Moreso if they refused to engage with me in trying to address the issue. It's a horrible situation all round and I hope you can both work towards a solution where you're both happier.