My wife says lots of women refuse to have sex with their husbands. Is that right

[stephied]

I am a guy, but I wanted to ask a question, because I know this board is mostly read by women, and I wanted to get a female perspective on a problem I have.

My marriage has been largely sexless for 6/7 years. By that, I mean we average once every 5/6 weeks. When we do have sex, it is very dull. Always on a Sat night, from about 10.20 to 10.40. If I try and make it a bit more interesting – say by buying some massage oil – my wife bats it away.

I have tried to talk to her about it. She is initially sympathetic, but then says huffily ‘Well, lots of women refuse to have sex with their husbands completely.’ Her point, I suppose is that I should be grateful if we manage it 9/10 times a year.

A bit on our situation, for some context.

I think I am a pretty good husband. We have 3 kids, 2 girls, one boy. Married 15 years. I provide well for her – big house, two nice cars, kids at great schools (mix of private and state), no money worries, luxury holidays, etc. I also do 50%-plus of the childcare. I run my own (pretty successful) company, so I have a lot of flexibility, while she has re-trained and now works 4 days a week, 3 in the office. I earn 3 to 4 times as much as she does, but I don’t object to the amount of childcare I have to do, although it sometimes seems unfair – being the principle parent (I take the day off if one of the kids is sick for example) is stressful when you also have to earn most of the money (we couldn’t begin to live on what she earns). We moved to York 10 years ago, and I know she found it hard to settle. But apart from that I don’t think she really has anything to complain about.

But I am really struggling with the lack of sex. I get spells of depression, for example, which I think are related to that. As I said, I have tried to talk to her about it several times. If I do, it might get better for a couple of weeks. After that, it just slips back into the same old pattern. I have tried to counselling, but she always found excuses to stop it.

Some of my mates tell me I should just visit an escort occasionally. Or have an affair. But I don’t really want to do that. Or I could leave her, but I think it would devastate the kids.

What should I do?

Is my situation normal?

Is she right that she is better than most wives?

If not, is there anything I can say to her that might make her feel this was a problem we needed to address?

Thanks.

It's understanding that she might lose the relationship that might galvanise her. If my second post wasn't clear.

What you could say:
I want us to have a better marriage.
I want us to have fun again.
Wouldn't it be great if we could be eighteen again, but older and wiser!
We are going to grow old together, let's make the most of it.
Let's get out of this rut and find some mischief to get up to.

What not to say: our sex life is boring and we don't do it enough. If we don't sort it out, we should split up.

Haven't read all of the replies but you say that you're a good husband rather than the relationship is good. How can you be a good husband to her if the relationship is not a good one?

Lockheart

I know. I just thought it might help to reframe the idea as a tool to bring about a conversation between them as a couple. Rather than feeling that she's a passive participant. Sort of waiting to hear about what's wrong with her and how she should change.

Having been there, I think if she doesn't want to change there's note you can do. We all see sex differently and if for you it's a deal breaker, then you should split up. You don't want your kids to grow in an unhappy family.

I'm probably going to get flamed for this but here goes.

Where I live, over the years I've known, or known of, many women who married successful men, and the vast majority seemed to do it because they were good providers, rather than because they fancied the pants off them.

After 5 years or so the husbands start complaining to their friends that their wives have gone off sex (quel surprise) and soon after this a lot of them start having affairs. Often the women have affairs too. Most couples are still together!

Sorry OP - but this is the view from where I live!!

I feel this is all being over complicated TBH.

She is not wanting sex, sometimes having duty sex. You are feeling rejected and unwanted.

If she won't communicate the only thing to do is leave.

I would tell her one last time 'the situation re lack of affection and sex is making me feel down. I am not expecting you to have sex with me that you do not want but I am absolutely expecting you to talk to me about what is going on, either with counselling support or without it. If you do not want to do this it is clear that our marriage needs to end'

Me and dp went two years without sex for no other fact that he was being an unsupportive bellend. And that's a massive turn off which will turn any womans lady bits into the Sahara.

We're getting back on track now, solely because he's stepped up so I've started wanting to be intimate with him again. In his defence he didn't pressure me during the drought, I do respect him for that at least

I know sexless couples

Top reasons:

• older man, woman no longer fancies him
• similar in age, woman doesn't fancy him
• emotionally abusive marriage in which man cheated, so wife threw him out of bedroom and has never allowed him back
• emotionally abusive marriage, but no cheating
• anti depressants

It is really common in the 45+ age group. Lots of people seem to end up having affairs. I think it's very sad as if both people commit to a monogamous relationship, then what are the options?

What is interesting is the women don't care. They literally don't care, don't want it and so are okay with living together like that. There's no communication with the husband about it or attempts to address it. It's just a massive elephant in the room.

What I don't understand is have your sex activities always been at that time and for that duration? Even pre-children? It sounds most unusual.

Kaybush- very true!

Affairs are rife amongst the 40 plus age group. Most will not be uncovered either.

My sympathies, op. Your last post was pretty touching, and it sounds like you are trying all the right things. As usual, the advice has included some idiosyncratic posts, and some interesting armchair philosophizing. I hope your partner does agree to communicate with you. Otherwise, I think you should know your strength and consider a future without her. Good luck

Hello OP, your follow up post is so thoughtful and switched on. So sorry you are going through this. Have you come across a relationship therapist for men in exactly your situation called Athol Kay? Google him and Married Man Sex Life, his blog. It's quite extreme but he claims huge success for his techniques.
Good luck!

Google his MAP (Male Action Plan), it's all about rescuing a sexless marriage from the husband's perspective.

Op from a female's perspective:

If all is well with fair sharing if childcare, housework and work then what might be missing is fun, interest and intimacy. For me at least, the brain is a big sexual organ. Instead of asking her what's wrong or talking about sex, think about how you both connected to begin with. Did you use to chat for hours about certain things? Do you talk about interesting things? Find each other interesting or funny? Do you ask her for advice regarding your work issues and do you listen with interest and respect when she talks about her work?

Also start thinking about doing stuff together that is unrelated to work or children. Maybe crack open Scrabble or take up a sport together - badminton, kickboxing etc. Maybe enrol in a language or photography course. Something that you can do together and have a laugh with and gives you stuff to talk about. Then after your class or sport you could go for a bite to eat or a drink.

If that's going well, ask her if she'd like to go away just the two of you for a long weekend - hiking, or a city break etc.

All these things should help a lot in bringing you close, enjoying each other and bringing back who you were as a couple before kids.

Again, thanks to everyone for taking the trouble to post a reply....and especially to laurelstar for pointing me towards that blog.

It is all helpful, in different ways.

One more question, on which it would interesting to get a women's perspective.

In the next couple of weeks, may wife may well initiate sex (or sort of indicate that she will have sex if I want to). My feeling is that I should say, in as nice as way as possible - look, this isn't working for me, I'd like to make this better, so lets talk about this.

The last couple of times - as I said, we have sex about every 5 weeks on average - I have felt like saying that, but just end up going to bed with her because I don't feel like an argument (I am sure a lot of women can sympathise with that feeling!)

As I said, I don't think she has any interest any more. But by having sex every 5-6 to weeks, she can avoid having to deal with that, and the potential consequences for our marriage. It is a get-out clause for her.

If I just say no, lets make this better, or take a complete break, it might at least move things forwards. And to be honest, I'd rather have no sex at all than dull sex every six weeks.

Good idea.

I couldn't and wouldn't stay in a relationship where I was only having sex 9/10 times a year.

When you've spoken to her have you made it clear how unhappy you are with the situation and that something does actually need to change? And I don't mean her forcing herself to have sex with you. I mean actually getting to the root of why she doesn't want to. It may well be she just isn't interested in sex anymore. In which case you have your answer and can decide if you can live like that for the rest of your life or if you leave and at least you have the hope of something more.

From my own perspective

• doing youR share of the HW etc.. is normal. It actually shouldn't even need to be mentioned TBH and it certainly shouldn't be used as a way to say 'I'm a good father/dh'
• for many years I had sex with DH but never had an orgasm with him, EVER. Why didn't tell him? Because I knew that telling him that would be very hurtful for him. And because I would have thought that it was quite obvious I never had one (see reading the body language and clues).
• intimacy is the number one thing that will make me confortable and wanting to have sex. That's light touches during the day, light kisses with no intent to have sex. But its also emotional intimacy and the feeling that he has my back so to speak. I susoectvthat the matter are missing from your relationship.
• followed by having no resentment festering away (resentment can be for very different reasons than sex!)

You seemed to be convinced that your dw just has gone off sex with everyone and not just you. She might (or she might well still be masturbating when she is on her own).
You do need to remember though that you are very keen in not wanting to split the family and protecting the dcs. She might well be in exactely the same position. I think that's something you need to acknowledge and respect.
Finally, if you propose to stop having sex altogether and she agrees, the what?
If you manage to have a chat with her and to tell her what you have said in here. And to make it clear you can't live wo sex anymore. Are you happy to also live the consequences of it, separating and splitting the family?
Imo you can't at the same time want to have more sex, expect her 'to sort it out' and say that living like this is just impossible AND not want to split the family.
If not splitting the family is your overridding factor, then youmight need to accept that sex is off the cards. Otherwise, you need to acknowledge this will mean splitting up.

This all sounds very simplistic the way you paint it OP. You need to talk to your wife and actually communicate with her.

Personally I wouldn't wait until she initiates sex. I would take the bull by the horns and speak to her now. You need to do it in a completely non confrontational way and you need to be really mindful of your tone, body language, facial expressions because if she feels attacked/judged or that you're being critical, I think she will just shut down and refuse to talk about it.

You do seem like a good guy and at the end of the day, your needs aren't being met, but, are hers? You need to figure out what her needs are and if that will ultimately lead to a satisfying sexual relationship for both of you. She may just have a very limited (if any) interest in sex and that's fine. However that is not compatible with you and that's absolutely fine too.

It may just come down to a lack of compatibility and if that's the case then you will have to decide whether you want to stay in the marriage. Please don't have an affair because it will cause so many complications down the line, it's just not worth it.

Actually I think the threat of you leaving might make her think a bit more and take action. She has a choice then... Help fulfil your needs or lose you and break up the family. You sound like a nice guy OP

The thing to remember here is that you are a man and on here you will always be flamed.

I couldn't be in a sexless relationship, I certainly wouldn't cheat though. I'd just leave.

He didn't mention housework as a quid pro quo for sex, he mentioned it because it will always get mentioned as a reason it is withheld. The op is kindly avoiding us having to trot out the usual "are you lazy/do you smell" offensiveness that usually occurs. If people can't respond to a decent, heartfelt post with decency, I wish they'd choose less vulnerable people to goad.

I don't think this issue is about the OP's wife needing to meet his need for sex. I don't even get the impression the OP thinks it is because he hasn't several times explained that part of what he is upset by is the unsatisfactory nature of the sex they are having and that the reason he finds it unsatisfactory is because she doesn't seem to be interested in doing it at all.

The issue he really has is with her refusal or inability to communicate with him about something that is a very obvious problem in their marriage. He has a reasonable expectation of communication. The very least his wife could do is talk to him given the numerous times he has tried to support her to do that.

If she can't or won't talk to him what can he do other than leave? I don't think this is even about sex TBH.

I think the OP came across as having a very transactional approach to sex, which is why he got a hard time. Male provides finances, woman provides sex - it's a bit 18th century. Someone wise on the internet somewhere said "women are not slot machines that you put kindness into until sex falls out."

I think picklemepopcorn had the right approach. You need to communicate with her about what she wants from the marriage and the level of physical intimacy she wants. What other contact do you have? Do you hold hands at all? Kiss to say hello and goodbye? Stroke a knee while you watch TV? A neck rub ever? If it's just 20 minutes RORO every five weeks with no other physical affection that's unlikely to work for most people.

"In the next couple of weeks, may wife may well initiate sex (or sort of indicate that she will have sex if I want to). My feeling is that I should say, in as nice as way as possible - look, this isn't working for me, I'd like to make this better, so lets talk about this."

I really wouldn't do this - rebuffing her at the point she initiates sex is only going to guarantee she doesn't try to initiate it again.