My wife says lots of women refuse to have sex with their husbands. Is that right

[stephied]

I am a guy, but I wanted to ask a question, because I know this board is mostly read by women, and I wanted to get a female perspective on a problem I have.

My marriage has been largely sexless for 6/7 years. By that, I mean we average once every 5/6 weeks. When we do have sex, it is very dull. Always on a Sat night, from about 10.20 to 10.40. If I try and make it a bit more interesting – say by buying some massage oil – my wife bats it away.

I have tried to talk to her about it. She is initially sympathetic, but then says huffily ‘Well, lots of women refuse to have sex with their husbands completely.’ Her point, I suppose is that I should be grateful if we manage it 9/10 times a year.

A bit on our situation, for some context.

I think I am a pretty good husband. We have 3 kids, 2 girls, one boy. Married 15 years. I provide well for her – big house, two nice cars, kids at great schools (mix of private and state), no money worries, luxury holidays, etc. I also do 50%-plus of the childcare. I run my own (pretty successful) company, so I have a lot of flexibility, while she has re-trained and now works 4 days a week, 3 in the office. I earn 3 to 4 times as much as she does, but I don’t object to the amount of childcare I have to do, although it sometimes seems unfair – being the principle parent (I take the day off if one of the kids is sick for example) is stressful when you also have to earn most of the money (we couldn’t begin to live on what she earns). We moved to York 10 years ago, and I know she found it hard to settle. But apart from that I don’t think she really has anything to complain about.

But I am really struggling with the lack of sex. I get spells of depression, for example, which I think are related to that. As I said, I have tried to talk to her about it several times. If I do, it might get better for a couple of weeks. After that, it just slips back into the same old pattern. I have tried to counselling, but she always found excuses to stop it.

Some of my mates tell me I should just visit an escort occasionally. Or have an affair. But I don’t really want to do that. Or I could leave her, but I think it would devastate the kids.

What should I do?

Is my situation normal?

Is she right that she is better than most wives?

If not, is there anything I can say to her that might make her feel this was a problem we needed to address?

Thanks.

Laura... So he shouldn't rebuff her even though he won't enjoy the sex? And he shouldn't turn down sex in case she doesn't offer again? Give me strength!

That's not what I said. For clarity:

Rebuffing her at the point of initiation is a bad time to do it.

It would be more sensible to have the conversation before it comes to that moment.

Waiting a fortnight for her to make an overture, knowing that you've planned in advance to rebuff it, would IMO be unnecessarily hurtful and certainly not conducive to repairing a sex life.

I obviously don't advocate sense-of-duty-shagging if that's what you read into it.

I agree LauraMipsmum. Also, OP you would be handing her an excuse to never initiate again. Then what?

OP, I wonder how old your wife is. From my own experience (and I'm not remotely laying blame at your DW's door or suggesting you badger her about this), after children, in my forties I gradually became more and more low. It was gradual so it took me a while to notice it. I retrained, did an MSc; I functioned, but I was unmotivated and I didn't care if I never had sex again. Even being touched was an irritant. Eventually I went to a specialist, had blood tests, identified a vit D deficiency and very low oestrogen. I remember the specialist saying to me how many women she saw who were flatlining like this. I had HRT and my energy, even temper, hope and sex drive came back. Of course this is only my experience and I'm not suggesting it's necessarily the same for your wife but there may be stuff going on for her that you have no idea about.

Certainly any sex drive for me totally tailed off at the pre menopause stage and during. I know HRT is often the answer but DH was very anti it

Someone wise on the internet somewhere said "women are not slot machines that you put kindness into until sex falls out."

So women don't use sex as a tool to manipulate behaviour. PMSL

It is what you said, lauramipsum, no matter how haughty your response. You cannot rebuff someone before they make an offer, by definition. So to say I don't want sex with you in the future is not rebuffing anything. A rebuff is the rejection of an offer. But op, whatever you do, don't reject her offer no matter how you feel, because then you deserve a lifetime of frustration.

As the OP, thanks for all the replies.

I knew I would get flamed a bit, simply for being a man asking a question, but those aside lots of the comments have been really helpful in helping to clarify my thoughts.

I suppose its obvious that she simply isn't interested in sex any more, and avoids confronting that by not talking about it. My problem is whether I can live with that, or whether it is enough of a problem to end the marriage over.

No one is ever going to find that easy!

To clarify, Yorkie, did you say that your wife doesn't orgasm?

Why the hell hasn't that issue been addressed before? I'm not surprised she's gone off sex if that's the case.

She has not gone off sex, she has gone off sex with you. I was in your situation for years until I found the solution - you need to work on yourself, and think about what would make you attractive to other women. If you are attractive to other women, you will be attractive to your wife. Doing the dishes will make no difference whatsoever...

Yorkiebar I really hope you that you and your DW are able to resolve it.

Your marriage sounds strong apart from this.

Sorry if you've already said, but what's the minimum number of times a month that you could be happy with, on average? And how often would be your ideal? Just a rough idea, I know these things are changeable.

Now that the work crisis has passed, do you think that your DW would consider counselling again?

If everything else in the marriage is healthy & happy, I think your wife would want to try everything to make it work, once she realises how unhappy it is making you.

Is it an option that you could use this thread as a way to opening up the conversation?

It might be a dreadful idea, but sometimes I post on here, & then my DH & I read through the posts together - it can be helpful.

It's only minor things with us , though, & she might hate the fact that you've been discussing your sex life on a forum, I don't know.

If I was the DW in this marriage, though, I'd find some comfort in your posts, they are thoughtful and you come across as very caring & considerate, I think.

Good luck.

No, I didn't say my wife doesn't orgasm. As far as I know, she does. When we have sex, it is fine, apart from the fact that we can never try anything new. It is more that she is never really interested, and seldom initiates it. And mostly you just sort of sense she isn't in the mood, so I don't either.

To get back the question above, I think once a week would be fine with me. 3 times a month would be okay. It is when we get to 3 or 4 weeks that I start to feel rejected.

I don't think I will show her this thread...I think she would be offended.

To be honest, I am not sure what to do. It is hard to keep putting more into a relationship when you are not getting much back.

It's hard to live and work together. I think you are very thoughtful and loving so please don't take this the wrong way. You can see too much of each other. I enjoy the chance to disappear for a day or a weekend on my own. Perhaps you could offer your wife the chance? Absence makes the heart etc.
Is there a lingering disagreement between you? That can blunt her interest.
Or you can just stop trying to be intimate at all and see what she does.
How old is she?
Relationships go through lean periods. But no. It's not something I would like to live with long term.
Good luck to you. Keep trying. xx

I don't think sex is the issue - it is usually a symptom.

I feel like my dh likes my looks and body the most. Yes he might well appreciate me in other ways but he compliments me the most on my physical appearance.

I hate that. I don't feel like he fully understands me and the pressure I face since becoming a mother.

As a result I'm less attracted to him and don't want sex with someone who I don't think respects me.

This might be the issue.

Never refused my
Husband once !

Sorry you're getting such a hard time OP, the double standards on this site are utterly ridiculous. You sound lovely, ignore the man-bashing. All the best, hope you can figure this out.

I agree that there has been a double standard on this thread and think you have had a hard time.

However have you seriously still not established whether or not she orgasms with you? Have you decided to leave it for now?

Thanks for the last two supportive messages. To be honest, I am pretty sure she orgasms (tho I appreciate men can be wrong about this!). For the moment, I am just leaving it....it is easy to get exhausted by someone who won't talk to you.

No, I didn't say my wife doesn't orgasm. As far as I know, she does Oh dear.

A good sign that she orgasms is when she starts digging her nails into your back and screaming "I'm cumming! I'm cumming! Oh my god you're amazing!"

Nobody seen "When Harry met Sally"?!

More seriously, its easy to doubt yourself and think your partner has been faking it for years. I do.

I really feel for you. I was married to a man with a low sex drive,I had and have a high sex drive, for many years he said I wasn't normal, that I was a sex addict, when actually I just wanted and desired my husband. He made me feel like I was not normal. For years lived in turmoil, really not knowing what to do. In the end I came to terms with the fact he couldn't satisfy me,and we split. Good luck and I hope you find a resolve for yourself and your wife.xx

To be honest, I am pretty sure she orgasms (tho I appreciate men can be wrong about this!)

OH MY FUCKING GOD!!!

I'm out. I hope things get better for you OP.

Bloody hell, leave the poor bloke alone. My OH has no ideas whether I orgasm or not, 90% of the time I do........sometimes I tell a white lie because I CBA anymore and he can hurry up and I can read my book in peace he wouldn't know either way.........the.only reason I know he.has is because we usually end up arguing over who.sits in the wet seat afterwards.

Maybe the world needs a little more like the 1950s... or a lot of other places in the world. It seems to be this woman is an entitled selfish piece of work, and wouldn’t be surprised if she was cheating on him. He already said that he has tried speaking to her and that she isn’t responsive. If he isn’t kind or funny maybe she should leave him and since everything is 50/50 by your logic he should keep all of his money and she should pay him back for the extra $ she has been given the opportunity to live off of. And also the children should live with him since she puts more time in parenting. Right?