My wife says lots of women refuse to have sex with their husbands. Is that right

[stephied]

I am a guy, but I wanted to ask a question, because I know this board is mostly read by women, and I wanted to get a female perspective on a problem I have.

My marriage has been largely sexless for 6/7 years. By that, I mean we average once every 5/6 weeks. When we do have sex, it is very dull. Always on a Sat night, from about 10.20 to 10.40. If I try and make it a bit more interesting – say by buying some massage oil – my wife bats it away.

I have tried to talk to her about it. She is initially sympathetic, but then says huffily ‘Well, lots of women refuse to have sex with their husbands completely.’ Her point, I suppose is that I should be grateful if we manage it 9/10 times a year.

A bit on our situation, for some context.

I think I am a pretty good husband. We have 3 kids, 2 girls, one boy. Married 15 years. I provide well for her – big house, two nice cars, kids at great schools (mix of private and state), no money worries, luxury holidays, etc. I also do 50%-plus of the childcare. I run my own (pretty successful) company, so I have a lot of flexibility, while she has re-trained and now works 4 days a week, 3 in the office. I earn 3 to 4 times as much as she does, but I don’t object to the amount of childcare I have to do, although it sometimes seems unfair – being the principle parent (I take the day off if one of the kids is sick for example) is stressful when you also have to earn most of the money (we couldn’t begin to live on what she earns). We moved to York 10 years ago, and I know she found it hard to settle. But apart from that I don’t think she really has anything to complain about.

But I am really struggling with the lack of sex. I get spells of depression, for example, which I think are related to that. As I said, I have tried to talk to her about it several times. If I do, it might get better for a couple of weeks. After that, it just slips back into the same old pattern. I have tried to counselling, but she always found excuses to stop it.

Some of my mates tell me I should just visit an escort occasionally. Or have an affair. But I don’t really want to do that. Or I could leave her, but I think it would devastate the kids.

What should I do?

Is my situation normal?

Is she right that she is better than most wives?

If not, is there anything I can say to her that might make her feel this was a problem we needed to address?

Thanks.

[specialsubject]

Sorry about the nasty mn double standard, op.

No, no one is compelled to have sex they don't want. The issue is that she doesn't want it. She has gone off you, fallen out of love, whatever it is.

A marriage should be two people who enjoy each others company,in and out of the bedroom. If it isn't, no one has necessarily done anything wrong but do you want to spend the rest of your life in this? This relationship sounds no fun and not just because there is no sex.

You may have come to the end of the road.

[Dadaist]

I really don't think sex with someone else offers any kind of solution. You can't divorce the emotional dimension and should expect either to become emotionally involved or continue to feel unhappy in your primary relationship. We just aren't made to categorise our needs and how they are fulfilled quite so easily.
The only real answer OP is to discuss it openly with your DW. The initial response is just an evasive attempt at devaluing you needs. This isn't just about 'getting more sex' - it's about the health and reciprocity of your relationship. Only she has the answers over what is missing and whether there is anything you can do.

[picklemepopcorn]

She's having duty sex, basically. She doesn't want to make you unhappy, but she doesn't want sex with you either.

Could be lots of reasons, all explored already. Could be that you are not great, technique wise.

Nothing puts you off sex more than bad sex.

How you break that cycle, I don't know, but if she isn't enjoying the sex you have you should stop doing it. Completely.

Start again. Don't just turn up with toys and oil expecting more interesting sex.

Woo her again.

[PollyGasson24]

Don't get so het up arsenal. Everyone gets flamed for wanting to keep the status quo without working out problems and cheating. I'm not the first to say it and I won't be the last. paulsmith said they had words and wife refused sexual contact. Fair enough. That's your cue to leave if you can't live with that. At no point did he mention suggesting options to her, and he then went on to talk about his secret affair. So I can assume that after he didn't persuade her to resume relations the conversation between them didn't turn to open relationships, for example. Sorry, but I think the dishonesty of affairs is really low. If his wife won't have sex she should be prepared for him to leave (if he doesn't love her enough to abstain, which is fair play as she doesn't love him enough to do it) he is entitled to get it elsewhere, but not at the expense of the trust and respect in the marriage. If she can't handle him asking for an open relationship then she could leave. At least he wouldn't have taken her for a mug.
As for double standards, I'd say a woman who had a secret affair was being an a-hole too - its no different.

[user1479302027]

I agree with others about not just turning up with oil and Ann summers catalogue. Don't try and jump through hoops to reignite it, she will feel pressured and you will end up feeling humiliated. You need to talk honestly, without pressure or recrimination. She is not wrong to not want sex, you are not wrong to want more sex in the relationship. It may be that you identify the cause, and your way forward is clear. Whether with our without your partner.

[purplecoathanger]

Bloody hell! Those three choices, is that what men really think? Personally I doubt it very much.

[user1479302027]

Of course it isn't. It's was an odd suggestion by ops friend, to be sure

[SandyY2K]

paulsmith,
Nice to have your opinion. I don't condone affairs, but I'm surprised when men or women, refuse to be intimate with their spouse on a long term basis appear blindsided when they look for it elsewhere.

In fact it's incredibly naive to think it won't happen.

When you unilaterally decide you don't want sex, which is a major part of marriage, then you must be prepared to accept the fallout.

It's all well and good saying the person who wants sex should leave, but the person who doesn't want it and knows that their spouse does, should also look at leaving ... Because they are not meeting their partner's needs.

Why would you want to remain in a relationship with the where you know you aren't meeting that need, that nobody else should meet, apart from the spouse.

It's very different, if I like theatre and my DH doesn't, as I can go with someone else.

He can go to football matches without me, even if he'd like to go with me.

But if I knew I was making my partner miserable, then I'd be off.

[TheNaze73]

SandyY2K makes some brilliant points. I think the person who doesn't want it, should look to go as well.
This is why so many people of both sexes, are reluctant to get married. The goalposts shift & through no fault of their own, they could be trapped in a sexless marriage.
For a lot of people, the initial attraction is the sexual bit, can't fathom why people let that slip & expect it to be ok.

[deydododatdodontdeydo]

These threads pop up from time to time and they always follow one of two routes:

1. Man posts him and his wife aren't having enough sex. Posters respond saying "how much do you help out around the house, how much do you compliment her, do you allow her to have free time, do you make her feel secure, how does she know you love her?" etc.
   
2. Man posts him and his wife aren't having enough sex and lists how much he helps around the house, how much he compliments her, how much free time she has, how they have no money worries and a good standard of living, how he tells her he loves her. Posters accuse him of thinking he is entitles to buy sex of his wife!

[revolution909]

@SandyY2K I fully agree with you. I can only empathize with the OP as I've been the wife, the difference is that I knew I was being unreasonable

[picklemepopcorn]

I'm not sure about this one sided business... I think the partners who don't want sex, don't want it with their other. Both partners contribute to the dynamic where one of them doesn't enjoy it any more. I think if the sex is good, people want it. Make sex good, and it won't dry up!

[revolution909]

@pickle not necessarily I've been trough phases where I wouldn't even have sex with Tom Hardy!

[user1479302027]

Picklemepopcorn, it really is so much harder than that for many people! And it isn't helpful to insinuate that crap lovers are the only ones whose sex life dries up. Unintentionally, it comes across a bit smug!

[elkegel]

For a lot of people, the initial attraction is the sexual bit, can't fathom why people let that slip & expect it to be ok.

Well, for some relationships that's all there is. DH and I don't have sex very often, but it's due to us both being a bit lazy about it and it isn't about one person refusing the other. When we do have sex it's good. We were never particularly at it like rabbits from the start tbh. It was quite refreshing after previous relationships being really only about sex.

[yorkiebarker]

As the OP, may I firstly say thanks to so many people for taking the time to read my post and respond. I didn't expect to get quite so many replies.

It has been genuinely helpful to get so many different perspectives.

A few points, mainly to clarify what I initially said.

• I certainly don't think for a moment that my wife has to sleep with me simply because I provide for her. I just wanted to save time by saying that financial worries, me not helping with the childcare etc, are not the issue. Obviously she shouldn't have to have sex if she doesn't want to. That can be taken as a given, I hope. I do, however think she should be honest with me. If she has gone off sex (with me, or all men), that is fine, it is her right. But surely she should tell me?
  
• As for other stuff, I do that as well. I cook as much if not more than she does, I ferry the kids around at the weekend, etc. Sure I could probably do more (but actually so could she). But I couldn't do a lot more (there are some weeks when I do a 100%), and I don't really believe that would make a difference.
  
• Clearly the post is mostly about my needs etc. I am the person writing it. I wouldn't presume to say what she feels.
  
• I do my best to compliment her, make her feel good, connect emotionally etc. But, being honest, it is hard to keep it up when there is so little response. I am sort of on auto-pilot. I know that is not great...but, you know, I am only human.
  
• There is not much point in telling me I should try and talk to her. I have tried. I managed to get her to counselling about a year ago, but she had a 'work crisis' and decided we had to stop. I think she was being passive aggressive. She doesn't want to talk about things. I don't really know why not.
  
• I am not looking for a justification for having an affair, seeing escorts. As I said, I 'really don't want' to do that. But, again, I am only human.
  
• For the first 6/7 years of marriage, the sex was great. It tailed away badly after about 9. So things changed, and I don't really understand why.
  
• I don't think I am bad in bed (okay, don't flame me, I know everyone says that, and I may be kidding myself). On the very rare occasions we have sex, she seems to enjoy it. No real difference to our wedding night (3 kids and 15 years aside!!!). She never says she is unhappy, not having an orgasm etc - again, if that is the problem she should tell me, shouldn't she?
  
• I don't think I have let myself put on much weight etc. I am not kidding myself that I am God's gift to women. I am certainly not. But I meet a lot of women through my work, and I know enough to know when they are being flirty. A few women find me attractive, just like any okay-looking guy (and most of course don't). It is just a shame my wife isn't one of them anymore.
  

Writing things down, and reading the responses, I suppose the sad conclusion is that she is just not into sex anymore. Whether that is with me, or with anyone, I have no real way of knowing. It might well be with me.

As various posters have said, ultimately I will simply have to decide whether I can live with that, or whether I should leave. I certainly agree that I shouldn't deceive her.

But I have a couple of questions where a female perspective would be helpful.

Is there anything I can say to her that would make her realize she was not being completely fair and persuade her to work on the problem - maybe it can't be fixed, but at least we would have tried. It seems a real shame to end the marriage without having a go.

Also, has specific sex counselling worked for anyone on this board? If so, where would I start?

As I should have said in my OP, we have a strong and in most ways happy family. The kids are all turning out really well ( and I really, really don't want to risk messing them up). On the surface, we get on well, and we provide a stable environment for the children. We don't argue in front of them, and the occasional snap aside, don't really argue. So it is a lot to give up.

But one thing - and it is a big thing - just keeps nagging away at me.

Thanks again for all the replies.

[user1487175389]

It's not her job to have sex with you, no matter the level of material possessions you provide her with.

If she's no longer interested in you, you need to think about divorce rather than cheating. Accept it's over and move on, for both your sakes and the kids'. It's 2017 ffs, not 1957!

[TheNaze73]

Why does he user?

[Arealhumanbeing]

My female perspective.

She never says she is unhappy, not having an orgasm etc - again, if that is the problem she should tell me, shouldn't she?

Maybe she should but she isn't communicating at all. You HAVE to gather your courage and ask her. Female desire can be complicated but once you find out how to unlock that in your wife (she is an individual, the opinions of other females may not be helpful to you) if you can, things could change.

I suppose the sad conclusion is that she is just not into sex anymore. Whether that is with me, or with anyone, I have no real way of knowing. It might well be with me.

You don't know what the conclusion is yet as there has been no real communication. Tell her that you really really need to talk about this with her. If she just will not open up it may be that counselling could serve as a way to start the conversation.

However if she won't agree to any of that then it may be time to look outside the marriage or leave. An affair will change you though. Some go well and remain a happy distraction but many become toxic and the lying/deceit could destroy your confidence and sense of self. Also if you were found out you would be the one at fault, the bad guy, the cheater.

[revolution909]

I think therapy is your best bet. That and confront her about being into sex. I was honest with my husband and even then he wouldn't believe me I just didn't want sex anymore he thought it was his fault (and it wasn't). Some deep soul searching and realizing that I didn't feel sexy myself at all made me change. Things are in a much better place at present

[TatianaLarina]

It's very difficult that she won't talk about it. She won't discuss it face to face and she found a way to shut down the counselling.

The lack of communication as to why she's gone off sex is almost as much of a problem as the lack of sex itself.

I think you'll have to lay your cards on the table and say that it's making you so unhappy that you're considering ending the relationship over it.

[Lockheart]

Arealhumanbeing and revolution - the op has said twice that they went for counselling, but that his wife stopped going.

You can lead a horse to water...

[HildaOg]

I think if she won't listen then there is nothing you can say. You could tell her that you need couples therapy or you'll be looking for a divorce.

If she won't talk to you then tbh, I don't think you owe her anything. A marriage requires two people to contribute. She needs to pull her weight working on the relationship too.

If she refuses therapy then it's an affair or divorce.

Although... I had a friend in a similar situation to you and his wife immediately jumped back in the relationship when it was clear another woman was chasing him... He didn't cheat but not for lack of trying on his admirers part!!!! Knowing that she could lose you and other women want you might wake her up. If you could arrange a friend to help you out on that... Sometimes we need a game.

[TatianaLarina]

That might galvanise her into realising that she is going to have to discuss it.

It's hard to know whether she's gone off sex with you or sex in general, and the radio silence is making things worse.

The way she's dealing with it isn't working.

[TatianaLarina]

^ My post follows on from my previous one, it's not a reply to HIldaOg