My wife says lots of women refuse to have sex with their husbands. Is that right

[stephied]

I am a guy, but I wanted to ask a question, because I know this board is mostly read by women, and I wanted to get a female perspective on a problem I have.

My marriage has been largely sexless for 6/7 years. By that, I mean we average once every 5/6 weeks. When we do have sex, it is very dull. Always on a Sat night, from about 10.20 to 10.40. If I try and make it a bit more interesting – say by buying some massage oil – my wife bats it away.

I have tried to talk to her about it. She is initially sympathetic, but then says huffily ‘Well, lots of women refuse to have sex with their husbands completely.’ Her point, I suppose is that I should be grateful if we manage it 9/10 times a year.

A bit on our situation, for some context.

I think I am a pretty good husband. We have 3 kids, 2 girls, one boy. Married 15 years. I provide well for her – big house, two nice cars, kids at great schools (mix of private and state), no money worries, luxury holidays, etc. I also do 50%-plus of the childcare. I run my own (pretty successful) company, so I have a lot of flexibility, while she has re-trained and now works 4 days a week, 3 in the office. I earn 3 to 4 times as much as she does, but I don’t object to the amount of childcare I have to do, although it sometimes seems unfair – being the principle parent (I take the day off if one of the kids is sick for example) is stressful when you also have to earn most of the money (we couldn’t begin to live on what she earns). We moved to York 10 years ago, and I know she found it hard to settle. But apart from that I don’t think she really has anything to complain about.

But I am really struggling with the lack of sex. I get spells of depression, for example, which I think are related to that. As I said, I have tried to talk to her about it several times. If I do, it might get better for a couple of weeks. After that, it just slips back into the same old pattern. I have tried to counselling, but she always found excuses to stop it.

Some of my mates tell me I should just visit an escort occasionally. Or have an affair. But I don’t really want to do that. Or I could leave her, but I think it would devastate the kids.

What should I do?

Is my situation normal?

Is she right that she is better than most wives?

If not, is there anything I can say to her that might make her feel this was a problem we needed to address?

Thanks.

I find these stories from husbands incredibly sad. As somebody who IS loved and cared for and provided for and who still has a low libido, I think it's wrong to suggest it's something the man is doing wrong. Sometimes women just don't really want it.. And I don't think you can really blame men for leaving in this case. I say this as somebody who may get left one day

I know of a few couples where the men knowingly see prostitutes now as wives don't want sex anymore (wives have agreed to it).

It's not refusing, it's not giving consent.

No one has to give their consent to sex, you don't buy it with houses, childcare and money. Until the 1990s you could rape your wife and it not be illegal, now it is.

How would you feel if she had high libido ad you didn't? Would it be OK for her to get an escort?

Is sex really more important than your family and your marriage?

Would you actually enjoy sex if you knew she wasn't enjoying it?

Do you compliment her, make her feel good?
I'm sure pps will think it's shallow but its what puts me in the mood

It sounds to me like she is not attracted to you anymore but doesnt want to disrupt the lifestyle you have. The boards are full of this. If sex is important to you, you need to grasp the nettle and end it , life is too short to be living a half life. Dont have an affair though.

When things have been a bit lacking in my marriage, it's been because of one or more of the following:-

I've gained weight, and have felt unattractive & self conscious
I've been genuinely exhausted
My DH has been a bit selfish and uncaring & we haven't been getting along

Does she still find you attractive, OP?
Does she have hang ups about her body?
Do you have fun together?

Currently, things are fabulous - we get on really well these days, are friends & genuinely enjoy each others company. As a result, sex is wonderfully frequent & satisfying, but it hasn't always been plentiful.

Because we get on so well now, being tired wouldn't put me off, I'd just maybe put a bit less effort in if I'm tired, but wouldn't not want it, iyswim.

I've also sorted my weight issues out, so don't feel self conscious anymore, although tbf to DH, he always fancied me regardless of my size, it was just that I was uncomfortable with my body.

When things are good in my marriage, nothing really puts me off ever, but when things aren't good, the slightest thing makes sex the last thing that I want to be doing.

I wonder if this applies to your DW? I think it's a woman thing, and not uncommon to not want sex if you're unhappy in marriage/feeling shit about yourself.

I've only ever had one DH , but in my limited experience, the things I've mentioned above wouldn't dampen his interest in sex at all, so it's maybe worth seeing it from a woman's point of view if you want to get to the bottom of it.

HTH

sashh; there's no question about consent because there's no suggestion that he would want sex without it. Is it really so hard to understand that people actually want for their spouse to want to have sex with them.

While sex isn't important for some people, it's hugely important to others and everybody needs their needs respected. So if his wife doesn't want to sort the issues out or its not possible to because their wants are so different, then they need to decide whether they want to split or whether he can go elsewhere for the sex bit.

Nobody should have to fuck if they don't want to, equally nobody should have celibacy forced on them either.

Totally agree Hilda. He shouldn't be forced to live in a sexless marriage. His wife DOES have choices too... Is having no sex more important to HER than her marriage?
This works both ways.

Well said HildaOg

I wonder how the OP feels at the prospect of no resolution...

OP, playing Devil's advocate here....

If the sex issue is never resolved, which of the following would be the lesser of three evils....

1. Remain married but your wife agrees to you having sex outside the marriage?

2. You separate, with the prospect of at some point finding a lasting relationship with someone who you are sexually compatible with?

3. I don't see this as an option, but you might, OP - you remain married, and without your DW's knowledge, you have sex outside the marriage?

I am obviously not condoning option 3, to the point where I'll say it isn't a viable option IMHO, but I'm not you.

Out of interest OP, if your wife wants it rarely and you want it more, what would be a fair and workable compromise? In her eyes, every 5 to 6 weeks may be a compromise already, if she would prefer not to do it at all. As pp said, she shouldn't have to do it if she doesn't want to, just as you shouldn't be forced to be celibate (which you aren't, at the moment). It seems a bit sad to me that you are being encouraged to break up an otherwise fine marriage (I assume) or have sex outside the marriage because you don't get exactly what you want. Have you asked her what her ideal would be? Why can't you compromise?

You need to address why she doesn't want to sleep with you, currently she seems to be having sex as a chore.

It may simply be that she is exhausted in which case you need to look at what you can do to ease her load within the household it may not simply be a case of pulling your weight around the house, it may be that you need to find a level where you can both cope.

It may be that the spark has gone and that you need to do more by way of spending time together, date nights and so on to re-connect.

It may be that she no longer finds you attractive and is sleeping with you every 5-6 weeks in order to keep you within the relationship. If that is the case then it is rather unfair of her and she should really end it and let you find someone who is attracted to you rather than keeping stringing you along.

I think your attitude to your wife might be contributing:

1. You are putting pressure on her for sex

1. You don't sound appreciative of what she does, it is all about you ie. earning more, providing 50% of childcare. Maybe her wages are limited due to spending more time with the children when they were younger. Maybe you are earning more because she looked after the children when they were younger so you could build your business? Her job is less flexible so she can't leave work as easily so unfortunately sick days are more likely to fall to you. Obviously, I don't know the full story.

3.The fact you are even considering an affair due to lack of sex. Is that all your wife is to you? Nothing about love is mentioned. Maybe you both need to work on your relationship in general not just the sex part.

some of my mates have suggested I have an affair or visit an escort but I really do not want to do that

Why is this so hard to understand for people and why is the thread turning into an affair/escort is wrong.

He said "I really do*not*want to do that"

I agree HIG, he sounds like he's trying to find a resolution... not have an affair

Great post Hildaog

Compromise is good, of course.

But if OP's ideal is 3 times a week, and OP's DW is never...I can't see it's workable.

Clearly one person is going to have to compromise way more than the other.

Posted too soon...

So how could it ever be a fair & equal compromise?

Hello stephied,

I am in exactly the same situation as you. I have agonised over this for 3 years now. We have spoken and she has refused to have any sexual contact. We have, like yourselves, a good home, jobs and family - and I don't want to lose this.

Last year, I began an affair with an old girlfriend (she wasn't happy in her marriage), which was great. It restored intimacy, fun and sex; I never thought it would happen again. Unfortunately, it ended due to guilt and the risk of being found out.

The ending of this affair exposed, again, the underlying problems in my primary 'relationship'.

What to do stephied? Three choices for you:

1. Have an affair (Exciting but risky - you could lose everything and hurt your family)
2. Visit an Escort (not everyone's cup of tea, but if it satisfies - and you can keep it secret)
3. Leave your primary relationship

The three choices are all very black and white; and unfortunately, it's not like this in real life. Only you can make the decision of what to do next.

It's a terrible dilemma, and you have my sympathy. Hope things work out for you.

Sexless is " (10 x a year or less)"? Really? Who knew!
I would describe that as 'infrequent', but not 'sex-less'.

I actually would consider that sex less, it's kind of relative.

@PaulSmith that was refreshing, I think we sometimes need more male insight around here!

Yeah rev, what a prince paulsmith is for having a secret affair because his sexual needs were not being met by his wife. How 'refreshing'. Wife didn't want sex but because he wanted to keep the good job/home/family he revelled in sneaking off for sex with someone else. Yes, I understand that some ppl can't live without sex, or come to a compromise. But did he ask wife what her compromise would be? Nope, just turned into a dishonest cheat.
OP, have some respect for yourself and your wife. If you really can't compromise, leave. TBH, I would prefer to be a single parent to my children, with no money, than be made a fool out of by being married to a cheating a-hole. Don't be that a-hole.

Polly you don't know what discussions PaulSmith had with his wife!

I'll be flamed for this, but, I think if you're in a long term without sex, or only having unsatisfactory sex every 6 or so weeks, unless this satisfies both people equally, then how can it not cause problems and tension in the marriage?

I think it's extremely naive to think that this would have no impact on the marriage at all.

Obviously I'm not for one second suggesting that anyone should have sex against their will, but I can't see it as a sustainable situation long term.

And, why should PaulSmith lose what they've both worked for in their marriage, just because his wife doesn't want sex?

The OP's wife might not want him to leave. You are incredibly judgey Polly!

There are couples out there who deal with their mismatched sex lives by the frustrated partner having sex outside the marriage. You can only speak for yourself, Polly not dictate what everyone else who finds themselves in that situation should do!

Mumsnet's finest, Polly - aren't you a peach!

Op had a hard time for being honest - let's face it, he was covering many of the common responses these posts get, eg is she stressed with work etc. He just forgot to cover the "are you smelly" abuse that often occurs with such. Of course lack of intimacy with a partner can be depressing - whether hugs, sex, smiles..... Anything. I would rather get no intimacy as a singleton than in a relationship. It is not "wrong". Neither is the op in any way suggesting he it's badgering her. Op, you need to ask her what you can do, why there is little sex. If there it's nothing you can do about it, consider leaving. Do not have an affair. Don't badger, but if she is not bothered that it's an issue for you, then consider your long term future. I recommend looking at posts along the same lines, posted by women, for more measured and fair advice.