My wife says lots of women refuse to have sex with their husbands. Is that right

[stephied]

I am a guy, but I wanted to ask a question, because I know this board is mostly read by women, and I wanted to get a female perspective on a problem I have.

My marriage has been largely sexless for 6/7 years. By that, I mean we average once every 5/6 weeks. When we do have sex, it is very dull. Always on a Sat night, from about 10.20 to 10.40. If I try and make it a bit more interesting – say by buying some massage oil – my wife bats it away.

I have tried to talk to her about it. She is initially sympathetic, but then says huffily ‘Well, lots of women refuse to have sex with their husbands completely.’ Her point, I suppose is that I should be grateful if we manage it 9/10 times a year.

A bit on our situation, for some context.

I think I am a pretty good husband. We have 3 kids, 2 girls, one boy. Married 15 years. I provide well for her – big house, two nice cars, kids at great schools (mix of private and state), no money worries, luxury holidays, etc. I also do 50%-plus of the childcare. I run my own (pretty successful) company, so I have a lot of flexibility, while she has re-trained and now works 4 days a week, 3 in the office. I earn 3 to 4 times as much as she does, but I don’t object to the amount of childcare I have to do, although it sometimes seems unfair – being the principle parent (I take the day off if one of the kids is sick for example) is stressful when you also have to earn most of the money (we couldn’t begin to live on what she earns). We moved to York 10 years ago, and I know she found it hard to settle. But apart from that I don’t think she really has anything to complain about.

But I am really struggling with the lack of sex. I get spells of depression, for example, which I think are related to that. As I said, I have tried to talk to her about it several times. If I do, it might get better for a couple of weeks. After that, it just slips back into the same old pattern. I have tried to counselling, but she always found excuses to stop it.

Some of my mates tell me I should just visit an escort occasionally. Or have an affair. But I don’t really want to do that. Or I could leave her, but I think it would devastate the kids.

What should I do?

Is my situation normal?

Is she right that she is better than most wives?

If not, is there anything I can say to her that might make her feel this was a problem we needed to address?

Thanks.

[Cricrichan]

Yes lots of women don't have much sex with their husbands and for a variety of reasons:

There is no intimacy in the marriage (and I don't mean sex, I mean chats, planning things together, having fun together etc).

There is lack of equality. You are very clear in your op that you think you're worth more than your wife because you contribute more financially. You don't value her work as much and you make no reference as to who does the housework, the organising of school stuff, presents, cooking, shopping, ironing, doctor and dental appointments etc).

Many men don't know how to satisfy a woman in bed. Many women change orgasm through piv and need clitoral stimulation etc.

They are no longer sexually attracted to their husbands.

As well as other reasons such as having been victims of abuse.

[mdocman1969]

Can't believe whatba hard time you're getting here OP. Your wife sounds awful - get rid and find someone who will appreciate you

[mylaststraw]

Well technically anyone has the right to cheat, its not illegal and we all have license over our own bodies.
In that case we all technically have the right to rape, torture and murder ppl we don't like. I don't think arguing semantics is appropriate, really.

[Arealhumanbeing]

Mylaststraw

You do. Anyone does. Potentially very painful but absolutely, uncomfortably true.

Obviously there can be awful consequences and the decision shouldn't be taken lightly. You cannot remove sex from a previously sexual relationship and then play the betrayed spouse when the inevitable happens. Especially if you have refused to discuss it or attempt to make changes.

[PyongyangKipperbang]

No one has the right to rape, torture or murder as that is illegal and against all accepted human rights.

But the right to act like a shit, without legal censure, exists insomuch as we have freedom of movement, freedom of though, freedom of speech, freedom of choice and no laws against adultery in the UK.

Its morally wrong, no one is arguing that, but there is nothing stopping a person cheating if they choose to.

[Arealhumanbeing]

Mylaststraw

Rape, torture and murder are illegal and punishable by prison. Having sex outside your marriage is not.

[PyongyangKipperbang]

I don't think arguing semantics is appropriate, really.

Why are you criticising me when you are the one that put forward the initial comments?! I was just reacting to them!

[Arealhumanbeing]

Many men don't know how to satisfy a woman in bed.

This. Absolutely this.

[PyongyangKipperbang]

Ime they do, its just that after the intial rush and trying to impress, some stop bothering. Which is a bigger problem.

[WarmFunKindStrong]

Where is the original poster?

[Notmyrealname85]

OP I do agree that you should check your relationship with her. A lot of your post is functional (and impressive!) stuff - career etc. But now do what you can to get this relationship back on track.

Communication is key - is there anything she wants to get off her chest? Is there anything you can be doing better? In the relationship, household, bedroom? Do you complement her enough, still lust after her and not just sex? Do you ever accidentally complement other women, does she think your focus is elsewhere? Make it one sided and focused on her for now, if only to get to the bottom of what the issue is. Tell her how much you want to hear from her, tell her you want to give her time to really think of her response - and make sure you do so!! Empty words are no good and won't bring change. The longer you spend on this communication time, the better the long term results will be. And she'll trust that in future she can effectively raise any new issues more quickly as they come

If she wants more emotional support etc or the two of you make any changes - make sure this is consistent!! Make sure she knows you're doing this not just to get in her pants, but that you do care long term about the two of you. Tone is so important - how do you react to her feedback? Do you take it seriously and without offence? Consistency is also key - she'll be going off your ability to keep the change going, to take the initiative in future

Line up all that communication stuff before you even think of trying sexy seduction stuff. She needs to know you've got better intentions than that. Maybe suggest date nights - explicitly no sex, just the two of you and a bottle of wine with a movie of her choice once the kids are in bed. Become her friend again. If things improve then definitely do drawn out date nights as if you'd just met her. Leave the sex for as long as possible while you're just trying to reconnect - women often have a more emotional connection to sex, be sure to repair that (and then some) first

It takes time to adjust so give things a chance, emphasise positive changes for her to start with. If/when she's comfortably adjusted and there are any things you want to air then let them be known, but gently. She needs to know you're always there for her.

This might seem very one sided for her - but all of us get stuck in a rut sometimes. Help her out of it.

Equally it might be that sadly she's lost interest over the years either in you or in sex generally. If so, you could try counselling. Ensure she is really considering her options though - if she's not keen to be in this relationship anymore, for matters outside your control, then there's no point continuing the charade. The kids will pick up on tensions eventually

And to other posters - yes lack of sex can bring people down. For some people it's one of the most clear ways of telling someone you still desire them (after all these years!), want to be close to them, want to reconnect with them. Especially hard if an active sex life had been their norm. Yes kids etc can impact this absolutely, but in some instances it's an indication of a dying relationship. Losing that connection can be devastating for some. And - as shown here - it's so difficult to raise the issue with the one you love without causing offence and further distancing them from you

[Pallisers]

Connect with her mind & you'll have all the sex you want.

Christ. One step up from "do the washing up and she'll be gagging for it".

OP, you should have posted as if you were a woman in order to get any kind of a neutral response.

I don't know the answer but I wouldn't be happy with that as my sex life for the rest of my life. I also wouldn't be happy if my husband dismissed my concerns with "well lots of husbands don't have sex with their wives at all". That would make me more likely to split than the dismal sex.

[Mermaidinthesea123]

Quite honestly when I had a child with my first husband I assumed my husband would man up and do the absolute best for his child including working hard at his marriageand not constantly whine about his needs.
Seems like nobody puts their kids interests first any more it's just me me me.
I suggest if you are serious about making your marriage work and not just using this as an excuse for a way out that you go and see a counsellor first session on your own and see what they advise.
I don't know how old your wife is but if menopause is involved it's serious and needs to be treated seriosly. Women appreciate and love men who actually care and try to save their marriage by solving a problem. i suggest you do that. She sounds deeply unhappy to me.

[EmilyBiscuit]

Either of you comparing to 'other wives' is totally pointless. It is about what makes you both happy. If you aren't happy, and you honestly feel you have tried to change it, then walk away. Don't stay in a relationship that makes you unhappy. Staying together 'for the kids' is a very bad plan.

That said, your mates are dickheads. If I thought, even for a second, that DP was considering paying for the use of another woman's vagina our relationship would be over. I don't think I could have sex with him again. If you are actually considering it you should walk away.

[Rhayader]

That's not normal for me, however some people would be happy with that. Given that you are obviously not, I would suggest reading the marriedmansexlife primer by Athol Kay. Its basically for men in your situation. How to make yourself more attractive and how to understand her needs etc.

Please don't go to escorts or have an affair as you cannot undo that.

[PyongyangKipperbang]

I cant help wondering if the paying of sex workers or an affair has already happened and he is looking for justification.

[SandyY2K]

You could get worse than that frequency, but it's more about you as a couple.

Perhaps some romance would help.
Go away for a weekend and sort out childcare.

Do you complement her?

Is she happy with her body?

Sometimes you can be close, without the expectation of sex afterwards.

Run her a bath, buy her the odd ad hoc gift, like perfume... Flowers.

[mylaststraw]

Rape, torture and murder are illegal and punishable by prison.
Actually, not in every situation in all countries. But that's not the point. Pp said he had the right to do what he wanted. I disagreed.
pyong I am not criticising you, I was responding to what you said, as you responded to what I had said. Same thing.

[PyongyangKipperbang]

The fact is that he does have the right to do what he wants, within UK law assuming that that is where the OP is living.

The PP said that he had to right to act as he sees fit, presumably within the law. It was you that said that he doesnt have the right to cheat and use sex workers but he does. You may not like it, but that doesnt mean that it isnt true.

I cba to discuss who "started it", anyone who wants to see that can simply RTFT.

[mylaststraw]

Calm down dear. I wasn't 'starting' anything. I expressed my opinion, you did yours. I have rtft thanks, and I still think that when you say your vows to each other it negates the 'right' to deliberately lie and cheat on your partner. Each to their own

[mylaststraw]

Actually, being part of a mutually acknowledged monogamous relationship negates that 'right', not just marriage, obviously.

[Arealhumanbeing]

Maybe. To me, wedding vows also negate the right to insist on celibacy/sexless marriage. Worlds different to monogamy.

[mylaststraw]

realhuman I may agree with you there, but in OP's case, the marriage isn't sexless, they are not celibate.

[elkegel]

I'm not sure that people are meant to be at it like knives all their lives. The media create such unrealistic expectations. When you think about it, there is an entirely natural explanation for libidos dropping in your 40s onwards.

[Keepithidden]

Hi OP, I'm in a similar situation so no answers I'm afraid only empathy. The biggest problem in my view isn't even the lack of sex (technically I'm not in a celibate marriage, we DTD twice in 2015, once in 2016 and once this year!), it's the lack of communication and zero acknowledgement that there is a problem. I don't know how to get around this, and to be honest I've pretty much given up trying to talk about it, let alone initiating anything!

However, to answer one of your original questions, DW says it is normal and I think she probably believes that too.

When your partner thinks that, there isn't really much you can do except, accept it. Unless you want to break up the family anyway so from my perspective I'm holding out 'til the kids are older then we'll probably split then. I reckon I can do the next 10/15 years, but I do worry about the lessons we're teaching DC.

Don't go to prostitutes or have an affair though, even if your confidence has been destroyed, your self esteem is at rock bottom and life is pretty shit and lonely, please keep your self respect. I couldn't forgive myself if I chose to go down either of those routes.