My wife says lots of women refuse to have sex with their husbands. Is that right

[stephied]

I am a guy, but I wanted to ask a question, because I know this board is mostly read by women, and I wanted to get a female perspective on a problem I have.

My marriage has been largely sexless for 6/7 years. By that, I mean we average once every 5/6 weeks. When we do have sex, it is very dull. Always on a Sat night, from about 10.20 to 10.40. If I try and make it a bit more interesting – say by buying some massage oil – my wife bats it away.

I have tried to talk to her about it. She is initially sympathetic, but then says huffily ‘Well, lots of women refuse to have sex with their husbands completely.’ Her point, I suppose is that I should be grateful if we manage it 9/10 times a year.

A bit on our situation, for some context.

I think I am a pretty good husband. We have 3 kids, 2 girls, one boy. Married 15 years. I provide well for her – big house, two nice cars, kids at great schools (mix of private and state), no money worries, luxury holidays, etc. I also do 50%-plus of the childcare. I run my own (pretty successful) company, so I have a lot of flexibility, while she has re-trained and now works 4 days a week, 3 in the office. I earn 3 to 4 times as much as she does, but I don’t object to the amount of childcare I have to do, although it sometimes seems unfair – being the principle parent (I take the day off if one of the kids is sick for example) is stressful when you also have to earn most of the money (we couldn’t begin to live on what she earns). We moved to York 10 years ago, and I know she found it hard to settle. But apart from that I don’t think she really has anything to complain about.

But I am really struggling with the lack of sex. I get spells of depression, for example, which I think are related to that. As I said, I have tried to talk to her about it several times. If I do, it might get better for a couple of weeks. After that, it just slips back into the same old pattern. I have tried to counselling, but she always found excuses to stop it.

Some of my mates tell me I should just visit an escort occasionally. Or have an affair. But I don’t really want to do that. Or I could leave her, but I think it would devastate the kids.

What should I do?

Is my situation normal?

Is she right that she is better than most wives?

If not, is there anything I can say to her that might make her feel this was a problem we needed to address?

Thanks.

[LegoCaltrops]

You may do half the childcare, but who does bedtime? How is the housework split? Cleaning, cooking, laundry, meal planning & shopping? How much free time do you each get to relax? Does your wife feel equal or have you spoken to her in the same way as you phrased your post? (I wouldn't blame her for feeling unequal if you spoke to her like this, TBH - it's evident that you don't view her as an equal partner in the relationship.) Perhaps she's exhausted & sex isn't a priority - sleep is. Being a parent isn't just about childcare & money...

[loveyoutothemoon]

Money isn't everything.

Sounds like something is missing in your relationship, it doesn't sound like you give anything other than material things. And you resent that you earn much more etc. Have you tried talking to her?

[PlymouthMaid1]

I didn't think you sounded like a sanctimonious twat OP. Some women just don't like sex much and are quite happy when they have had their children and don't need it any more. Sadly that does not often match their partners sexual needs or wants. If you don't want to leave the family then you are likely to have to learn to live with it u less your wife says she will turn a blind eye to anything you might try outside of the relationship. Maybe have a last ditch try, could you instigate date night and encourage her to really unwind which may help.

[C0untDucku1a]

Massage oil to spice up sex is something i would have done at 18

If sex is boring i wouldnt be that keen to take my pjs off either.

When was the last time you and your wife had a night away alone?

[Dadaist]

A lack of sex doesn't cause depression. But feeling sexually rejected, feeling there must be something repellent about you, feeling unattractive and not loved 'in that way' - yes- I'd say that can pretty obviously lead to feeling anxious and depressed, plus feelings of resentment and self loathing. Just from reading the many other posts from men and women in sexless relationships.
I'd add that apparently most relationship guides class a 'sexless' marriage as fewer than ten times a year rather than zero.

[RiseToday]

Yep I agree with PP who said you need to connect with her emotionally and the sex will follow - trust me.

Or, if you already have a meaningful emotional relationship and she still doesn't want to shag you, then she just doesn't fancy you.

It is one of those two scenarios!

[Puffpaw]

If a woman thought she was entitled to sex because she provided luxury holidays then I would say the same to her.
Op are you significantly heavier than you were? Does your breath smell?

[fullofhope03]

First of all, I'm sorry you've had so much negative feedback OP. You're clearly worried and/or upset enough to post on MN and get female opinions (good idea btw, if I ever have concerns about a guy, I ask my male friends in order to get a male perspective. Makes damn good sense - to me anyway). I think though, that you both may be tired and stressed. Working full time isn't easy let alone having 3 children too.
How about you organise it so that you have some time to yourselves? NOT for you to leap on her and ask/demand sex, but to RECONNECT. Talk. Laugh. Be kind and intersested in each other without the day to day stuff. What was it that drew you to each other when you fell in love all those years ago? Seriously, think about THIS. BOTH of you. But please don't pressurise her (for sex). Because if she still loves you, but is just knackered, doesn't feel good about herself, or would like you to be affectionate without wanting affection to lead to sex each time then things will work out for both of you. And remember OP, the way to a womens libido, is through her mind (and lots of excellent non aggressive foreplay ;-) Good luck!

[BluePeppers]

I don't think the answers are different for men and women.
They are different depending on how things are presented.

In the case of the OP, the way he is presenting things, it feels like he has used a lost of 'what are you supposed to do so that your dw has sex with you' so it includes 'helping' around the house, providing money etc...
I haven't read anything about why his DW isn't keen on sex or how he is planning to make sex more attractive.
I am sure that his someone was asking his DW she would have something to say about the relationship itself. Or maybe she would tak about how exhausted she is etc... But the OP doesn't mention anything at all about that. It's more like he has tried things with his eyes closed hoping this would work (or thinking it ought to work because that what women are usually complaining about....)

Bottom line is, if you don't make the effort to talk and understand each other, it's not going to work, regardless of the issue you have in your relationship.
As far as I can see, the OP hasn't done any of that yet.

[revolution909]

She could be asexual or greysexual or anything in between. Has she always been this way? I think your worries are fair and I do think you can get depressed by the lack of sex.

[BluePeppers]

Rise I will add another scenario. She is exhausted. To the point that her libido is to the floor. She is asking for help but he just can't understand what she means by that.
She has told him what is happening but he isn't listening or is dismissing her issues.

Real case scenario there.

[PyongyangKipperbang]

I think that the reason the OP is getting a harder time than a woman would is that he makes it sound like she should be putting out in thanks for her lovely lifestyle!

Not saying that that is how he sees it but thats how it comes across.

She has a great house, life, cars, holidays, active co parent, but she wont have sex, whats her problem?!

Ime of MN women tend to look at themselves when wondering why their DH doesnt want sex. Do I love him enough? Do I do enough housework? Do I nag too much? What can I change about myself to make things better? Its rare that they jump straight in with "Whats wrong with him"?

Whereas the OPs post was all about how much he gives her that she couldnt want anything more and not questioning whether their marriage is missing something vital emotionally such as respect, intimacy outside of the bedroom, friendship etc. He is putting all the blame on her and that isnt fair.

[ILoveDolly]

What I got from your original post is that amongst everything life throws at you, you haven't time to connect as people. Women and men do have different sex drives but its mainly because to get turned on for a woman there has to be (usually) mental as well as physical stimulation.

First, try to do more together like fun night out without the expectation of sex.
Then, increase the intimacy if you both feel like it with simple affection. Maybe a hug, a little kiss, holding hands, just a nice comment during the day. Simple gestures.
Once you are friends again you can begin to be lovers.
Massage Oil is only going to work once you have some sexual bond once more.

[TatianaLarina]

I think his point was actually that he pulls his weight in the relationship, that it's an equal partnership so it's not as if she's doing it all (working, housework & childcare) and he's expecting sex on top of that. Which is a not uncommon scenario.

[TatianaLarina]

I think he was also trying make the case that he's a 'good' husband, as if he were a shit one that would be an obvious reason to avoid sex with him.

[Arealhumanbeing]

Do you look after her in bed, OP? Do you make sure she has orgasms and do you know what works for her? Did you have regular sex before now?

Whether or not you visit a sex worker (don't unless you're comfortable with purchasing consent) or have an affair actually has nothing to do with your "rights". You have the right to proceed in any way you see fit. Sexless relationships are miserable and are known to cause depression and low self esteem. Do think through the potential fall out before you make a decision though.

It sounds like there is a long and frank discussion to be had. You need to know whether her needs and requirements of the relationship are being met. Try to encourage her to be completely honest.

Good luck.

[Mermaidinthesea123]

My husbands constant endless obsession about sex even counting the days between sessions totally killed our marriage.
Maybe if I'd had the emotional support and love I needed he would have got more sex.
In the end we got divorced and things are much better now.
We didn't have any kids though so no big deal, it's always a shame when their childhoods are destroyed by divorce becasue mummy didn't put out to your satisfaction.

[PyongyangKipperbang]

But a "good" spouse is so subjective isnt it?

This is why I said that they need to talk because he may well find that while the holidays and cars etc are lovely, what she considers a good husband is someone who listens and connects and respects.

A lot of men are still brought up to believe that being a provider is all it takes to be a good husband, so I understand that it isnt easy to change that mindset. But in order to have a good marriage and sex life, the OP may have to.

[Jellycubes37]

I can empathise with the OP, I am however on the other side of the equation. I have to say that my libido skyrockets at the beginning of a relationship and plummets a few years in. I'm around 8 years into my current relationship with a man that I love dearly, we had a fantastic sex life for the first 3-4 years, but now after my second child and a hectic work schedule, I honestly feel like I could live the rest of my life without ever having sex again. The only reason we've had sex at all in the last few years is to try and please my partner. Even then, it's not particularly because I 'want' it - it's because I think I can bear to do it. I think it would upset my partner enormously if he knew that.

I love him and I find him attractive, but I have lost the ability to become aroused. I am so tired and just weighed down by my life and responsibilities, that sex to me isn't even on my list of priorities. I feel tremendous guilt, but having sex when you're unaroused can be very very unpleasant.

[GotToGetMyFingerOut]

I couldnt stay in a marriage only having sex every six weeks for twenty minutes.

If i ever personally got to the stage i wasnt wanting sex with my husband id be concerned.

[TatianaLarina]

But a "good" spouse is so subjective isnt it?

Clearly. But that's not relevant to why he would have wanted to make that point.

[yetmorecrap]

I'm sure my DH could have written similar , except we run a business together, to be honest I just have a much lower libido, always have apart from 1st 2 years, I was the same in my previous marriage too, we do talk a lot, laugh, like same things. I know he would like more sex but I really find it hard to fake enjoyment if I'm not feeling that way. I am 55 now and have been with a guy almost continuously since being 15, to put it bluntly I feel 'shagged out'!!

[Jellycubes37]

Also I should probably mention, that my libido has has a slight boost on the very few occasions that we have had no children to look after for a few days. I can't really take my 'Mum' hat off, we constantly have the kids around and I can't really feel 'sexy' when the kids are only a few feet away at any given time.

[mylaststraw]

Whether or not you visit a sex worker (don't unless you're comfortable with purchasing consent) or have an affair actually has nothing to do with your "rights". You have the right to proceed in any way you see fit.
Pardon? As a married man you do not have the right to cheat on your partner, whether by escorts or affair.

[PyongyangKipperbang]

Well technically anyone has the right to cheat, its not illegal and we all have license over our own bodies. However, we do not have the right to do that and expect our partners to be ok with it or stay with us.