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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Kissed someone else last night! How do I tell him?

206 replies

DoIWannaKnow · 20/05/2017 13:08

Name changed as I'm honestly mortified with myself.

Basically as the title, I kissed someone else on a night out last night. More than just a drunken snog on the dance floor (not that, that would even be ok) but it was a proper, could have gone somewhere kiss. I'm disgusted with myself. I've never cheated before and honestly never thought I would.
I was really really drunk, I know that's not a excuse or anything. I'm just trying to make sense of it in my head.

I know I need to tell him, he's due back with our dd soon, but I just don't know what to say to him.
Do I just come out with it? Do I give him all the details? He knows who the guy is, not a friend or anything. I'm a bit worried if I tell him, he might go hit him or something stupid and get himself in trouble though.

OP posts:
Plumkettle · 22/05/2017 23:17

*point

DoIWannaKnow · 22/05/2017 23:46

I don't read it as a telling off Plumkettle and even if it is I'm a big girl and can handle a telling off. Thanks though!

It's difficult to express on here, SandyY2K I'm not sure if I'm just making it worse to be honest. I know everyone's very bothered by me saying I wouldn't forgive him. We've spoke about that tonight and he gets what I'm saying/meaning. I know it seems hypocritical, but I wouldn't be able to forgive him. And I couldn't lie and say I would or might, when I know I'm my heart I couldn't do it.
I think it was only right he knew that, before deciding if he could forgive me or not.

He's not a walk over or anything and I know if more had happened he wouldn't forgive me and I know if it happened again he wouldn't. We are generally pretty equal, all things considered.

Things are a little imbalanced at the moment, due to the other thing and I think that's had some effect definitely. I was/am fully prepared to go it alone if I need to and that's not something that's going to just go away, that might come across as me not be bothered to lose him. It's not that simple though and I do love him very much and we do have a really good relationship, he makes me very happy and I'd say things are almost as good as before we had dd.

OP posts:
ddssdd · 23/05/2017 07:40

OP, at least be honest with yourself. Something is missing in your r'ship, which is the reason you went elsewhere. This situation has changed the dynamics of your r'ship. Did you feel unappreciated before this? Did you want the upper hand?

I don't claim to be an expert, but there must have been something.

SandyY2K · 23/05/2017 08:22

I wouldn't say sandy has told the op off plum. I think it's a frank and honest opinion,

Thanks RedDhalia

This isn't a telling off at all. I just detect a blasé tone in your recent posts OP.

Why would I tell off a complete stranger who hasn't done anything to me?

I think whatever it is that he did is having a major part to play in your behaviour.

My opinion comes from a place of professional experience as well, so I'm glad you don't see it as a telling off.

Perhaps he feels privileged to have a much younger GF and is able to write this incident off as being due to your age.

At least you admit your hypocrisy, as many others wouldn't.

I recall a couple who were reconciling following his infidelity. They were neighbours with the OW and his wife expressed how difficult it was seeing the woman he'd had sex and oral sex with regularly.

She asked how he'd feel living next to a man she cheated with and had given BJs to.

His response, was it would be okay.
An outright lie.

So I commend your honesty. Situations I've experienced where a person felt like that are usually

  1. where they are extremely confident about their ability to get another man/woman
    As I'm.. Their quite a catch

  2. they think they can do better anyway and their partner is lucky to have them.

  3. Where they aren't fussed one way or another about the longevity of the relationship.

Give him time to process everything and don't go with the thinking of, from now on STFU about it, because it's done.

Perhaps you would benefit from individual counselling to understand what led you to do this.

It might be a reason you haven't thought of.

DoIWannaKnow · 23/05/2017 09:26

Thanks sandy.

I don't think he feels privileged I'm much younger it's only 4/5 years. I do think he's been so quick to forgive me out of guilt about his behaviour though.
Maybe subconsciously I wanted to know if he'd be willing to forgive me if I did something bad. I don't know, maybe I was just drunk and stupid though and I'm overthing it all!

He's not wanting to talk about it though and I'm following his lead on that.

I'm not meaning to sound blasé about it all. I'm just using this to work through my feelings on it all.
Telling him and seeing him hurt over it was the hardest thing I've done and I do feel truly terrible about it!

OP posts:
DoIWannaKnow · 23/05/2017 09:30

Definitely not feeling unappreciated ddssdd and it's nothing to do with our physical relationship, that's all very good and we still very much have that spark. Don't see how it gives me the upper hand, if anything the opposite really.

OP posts:
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