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Original poster

Kissed someone else last night! How do I tell him?

206 replies

DoIWannaKnow · 20/05/2017 13:08

Name changed as I'm honestly mortified with myself.

Basically as the title, I kissed someone else on a night out last night. More than just a drunken snog on the dance floor (not that, that would even be ok) but it was a proper, could have gone somewhere kiss. I'm disgusted with myself. I've never cheated before and honestly never thought I would.
I was really really drunk, I know that's not a excuse or anything. I'm just trying to make sense of it in my head.

I know I need to tell him, he's due back with our dd soon, but I just don't know what to say to him.
Do I just come out with it? Do I give him all the details? He knows who the guy is, not a friend or anything. I'm a bit worried if I tell him, he might go hit him or something stupid and get himself in trouble though.

OP posts:
LunaJuna · 21/05/2017 15:20

Maybe piglet, but the OP is still not quite sure why she's done and it's clear that she didn't wanna hurt him.

Him doing the same just for payback would be deliberate to hurt her and that's shit.
Move on OP and don't let your guilt turn you into a doormat.

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 21/05/2017 15:22

Him doing the same just for payback would be deliberate to hurt her and that's shit.

Sorry but that's excusing her behaviour.

LunaJuna · 21/05/2017 15:26

I don't think it's excusing her behaviour.
She'll need to reassure him and they need to work things out. Payback cheating would be very childish and damaging

user1479302027 · 21/05/2017 15:28

The op is certainly not the doormat here, so can't imagine where that came from. He hasn't punished her for it, or done a revenge snog, yet these scenarios are being trotted out. Not as contrite as it first appeared after all.

LunaJuna · 21/05/2017 15:30

Yeah user we are being hypothetical and getting ahead of ourselves. Hopefully it won't come to that

walmo · 21/05/2017 15:33

There's something not quite right here. Looks to me as though you want confrontation and are kind of hoping he leaves. It's as though you want him to prove he's a 'real' man.

Drunk or not, there was something at the back of your mind when you left a club with a man, knowing people who know you both were watching. Start being honest with yourself.

Rafflesway · 21/05/2017 15:35

Personally, I'm a bit confused here. Confused

Are we saying it was PURELY a heavy snog - no wandering hands involved - or were there any hands under clothing involved?

If the former then OP's "Drama" does sound a bit OTT to me - although agree not acceptable when in a LTR abut IMO not the end of the world - but if fumbling under clothes WERE involved then a MASSIVE difference and I can certainly understand the danger to the relationship.

Definitely don't push for talking about it would be my advice but if it was just a kiss - literally - then I think you both just need to move on.

Original poster
DoIWannaKnow · 21/05/2017 16:00

I think it's the fact that it's so out of character for me, that I'm struggling with. I'm not even the type for random snogging when I'm not in a relationship, let alone when I am.

My boyfriend knows everything that happened. I've been completely honest with him, but yes there was hands places and it was more than a snog.
I don't know if anyone saw us, I just couldn't be sure they hadn't.

My stand on cheating as been the same since we first started dating, and it's the same now. I only thought it fair that he knows that I wouldn't forgive the same, incase that effected his decision. I know that seems hypocritical, but it is what is. He spends time away from home, he goes away with mates etc and I can't/won't be wondering where he is or what he's doing.

OP posts:
Original poster
DoIWannaKnow · 21/05/2017 16:06

And I'm not implying it's his fault I did it. I'm saying one of the reasons he thought and asked about, is a issue in the sense he thinks it's a issue. Basically I've only ever had sex with him and it's something he worries about, in the sense that he thinks I'll one day miss having had the chance to play the field a bit. He asked last night if that was the reason and I really don't think that's anything to do with it. But I'm not sure he's convinced.

OP posts:
Huskylover1 · 21/05/2017 16:24

He spends time away from home, he goes away with mates etc and I can't/won't be wondering where he is or what he's doing

I suspect you've given him a green light, to snog women when he's out. Perhaps not consciously, but it'll be there.

I'd be devastated if my DH had a fumble and a snog with OW. It would probably kill our marriage tbh. Because I've been cheated on before and it's a deal breaker for me.

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 21/05/2017 16:28

I've been completely honest with him, but yes there was hands places and it was more than a snog.

So it has now gone to 'more than a snog'

Original poster
DoIWannaKnow · 21/05/2017 16:35

That's why I told him Husky I think it's only fair that he knows if he does and I find out, then we are over.

I said more than a snog in my first post Piglet. Haven't given a blow by blow account of what happened on here, but I've told my boyfriend everything, which is surely the most important thing.

OP posts:
ZeroFeedback · 21/05/2017 17:28

I think the important thing to be clear on, and I think you are...

You have cheated. No ifs, no buts and no "it was only". You have cheated.

You have also humiliated him publicly. People you both know saw or know what went on. The OM is a dickhead you don't like which makes to about the excitement, the sex or the pure physical attraction.

(I don't buy the "only because he was persistent" btw. Persistent while sat together may get him somewhere, but you left the building with him knowing what was going to happen. The fact you had enough moral fibre to overcome the initial excitement in the end is a positive but not a great one).

It is now up to you to make amends, not your partner. He is entitled to his own space and time to come to terms and your need for him to validate how bad you feel and momentous you think this was is irrelevant for now.

You clearly have a good man with better emotional intelligence than yours in that he can see past the mistake and still sees the woman he loves.

You need to address your fears about what he will do while he is away as I suspect you risk driving him away if you get the typical cheaters guilt and transference and start accusing him.

Having the double standard is not on but I am not one who would support revenge cheating either - even if I find it more understandable than the initial one.

You probably are a great person and partner. You may well not do it again, but he is the one wronged and you need to do more of the running and less of the demanding in the reconciliation for now.

Gertrudeisgerman · 21/05/2017 17:57

It's really early days OP, I wouldn't take your DP's initial desire to brush it under the carpet as a permanent. This will rear its head again. If my experience is anything to go on.

MsGameandWatch · 21/05/2017 18:01

Don't tell him. Don't put yourself in a position where this could happen again.

MsGameandWatch · 21/05/2017 18:02

Oh I see you did. Oh well.

Talkingmouse · 21/05/2017 18:19

It doesn't quite add up.

Way up thread you said he tried it on many times over evening. If this happened to me, after the 1st time, I'd be flattered/amused/whatever, have a good laugh with my friends, then avoid him rest of evening. How did he get 1-on-1 so much? Presumably early on you weren't so hammered...

So you explained to bf that events happened when completely hammered. He thinks this is understandable at least - we have all done things when in such a state - and has (so far) been reasonable about it. But actually this is not the reason why it happened, is it, hence your angst.

Peanutbutterrules · 21/05/2017 18:35

I really don't get how you think it's okay to continue the relationship having done something that you've told your partner is unforgivable and you'd leave him for.

Frankly a drunken fumble is pretty bad, but if you're both committed its possible to overcome it. Having one rule for you, and one for him - just outrageous.

revolution909 · 21/05/2017 19:13

He'll have trust issues for months to come (if not permanently)

Original poster
DoIWannaKnow · 21/05/2017 19:21

Most of what you've said is pretty spot on Zero I know I've done wrong and I'm fully prepared to except the consequences of it. I didn't leave with him with that in mind though and I'm not worried about my boyfriend being away from home.

I don't think if one person cheats it means the other has free run for the rest of the relationship. I'm being upfront and told my boyfriend I wouldn't forgive him and I'd completely understand if he couldn't forgive me. I think that's his decision to make though.

Talkingmouse the evening went like this.....
I bumped into the other man in a bar, not drunk at the time. We spoke about a member of his family who's unwell.

Saw him again in the club, spoke again about same issue, so not something I felt easy to walk away from. Danced for a bit and he got a bit handsy and tried to kiss me. Stopped it and went away.
He came to apologise and we spoke a bit flirty, but nothing I'd feel bad about. Then he made a move again and again I said I'm not interested.
Didn't see him for a while and then when I came out of the toilets later he was waiting. Toilets are down a corridor area. He apologised, was a bit upset about the situation we'd talked about, he kissed me. Again I stopped it but this time after a second or two.
Went back to the main area and this is when I'm starting to feel really drunk, can't find my friends, try phoning them and can't hear anything. He's with me and says, lets go outside, 'I want a cig and you can phone your friends'. He's saying this while guiding me out and I'm trying to message on my phone so kinda distracted. And then we were outside and kissing.
I've told my boyfriend the whole thing.

OP posts:
PigletWasPoohsFriend · 21/05/2017 19:24

I don't think if one person cheats it means the other has free run for the rest of the relationship

Well you wouldn't would you as you are the one that's cheated.

You seem to want to have your cake and eat it.

bittapitta · 21/05/2017 19:33

Jeez the other bloke sounds like a sex pest from your latest full account. Stop beating yourself up! Forgive yourself and work on your relationship to make sure OH is really okay.

Original poster
DoIWannaKnow · 21/05/2017 19:34

Well no I guess I wouldn't Piglet but where exactly would that thinking leave us, he kisses someone else and then we're even, but maybe I think he kissed her for longer or was less drunk than me. So I kiss someone else again and then he does and then maybe one of us takes it further so the then the other does.
That's not the type of relationship either of us want. He doesn't have to forgive me and I'd completely understand if he didn't.
But if he comes home next weekend telling me he's done the same, no I won't forgive him.

OP posts:
RebelRogue · 21/05/2017 19:46

I find it funny that you don't think it would stop with you since you're so sorry and devastated and would never do it again bla bla.

P.s. Stop blaming the drink,you went with him after a fumble,you went with him after the first kiss. You fucking wanted to,drink has nothing to do with it.

Plumkettle · 21/05/2017 19:50

Just a thought OP...

In a healthy relationship you are faithful to each other, not because you're worried about being found out or in case it means your partner thinks it's ok to revenge cheat to get even.

You are faithful because you know it will never be the same again if you do.

That's not to say that you can't get past it and even emerge stronger as a couple.

But you are also not each other's possessions and it should be love, not fear that makes you want to be faithful.

TBH it sounds as if you are not ready for real commitment yet.

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