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Original poster

Kissed someone else last night! How do I tell him?

206 replies

DoIWannaKnow · 20/05/2017 13:08

Name changed as I'm honestly mortified with myself.

Basically as the title, I kissed someone else on a night out last night. More than just a drunken snog on the dance floor (not that, that would even be ok) but it was a proper, could have gone somewhere kiss. I'm disgusted with myself. I've never cheated before and honestly never thought I would.
I was really really drunk, I know that's not a excuse or anything. I'm just trying to make sense of it in my head.

I know I need to tell him, he's due back with our dd soon, but I just don't know what to say to him.
Do I just come out with it? Do I give him all the details? He knows who the guy is, not a friend or anything. I'm a bit worried if I tell him, he might go hit him or something stupid and get himself in trouble though.

OP posts:
HildaOg · 21/05/2017 12:08

And this kiss wasn't just a drunken mistake.

flipflapsflop · 21/05/2017 12:08

And accept that he is not allowed to make the same mistake. Ever.

darkhorse85 · 21/05/2017 12:11

I think it's impossible to say how things will pan out in the future really. Although he says he doesn't want to break up you will have ruined his trust in you and it depends whether he and you can move past that. No matter how sorry you are, the dynamic in the relationship has probably just changed a little. Some people can forgive and forget, others can't, and I don't think there's any blame if down the line your dp realises that actually he can't forget. I would spend more time thinking about the 'why' though...

Original poster
DoIWannaKnow · 21/05/2017 12:14

I'm ok if he wants time or doesn't know what he wants yet. I thought that's where last nights conversation left us, we both said we were done talking.
I thought we both meant for now. I think he actually meant full stop though.

He's actually saying it's all ok, I'm forgiven let's move on! I'm thinking that's not healthy and our conversation last night brought up a few reasons why it might have happened, and I think we still need to talk about those.

OP posts:
troodiedoo · 21/05/2017 12:21

OP it's not an affair. There was no motive. You said it didn't mean anything and it won't happen again so why shouldn't your oh forgive and move on. Forgive yourself. There is nothing more to dissect.

Unless you don't want to be in the relationship any more.

RebelRogue · 21/05/2017 12:29

By all means talk about the reasons,but it doesn't have to be right now. And it definitely doesn't have to be in the context of the kiss. Give him some time and approach if from a let's improve and consolidate our relationship point of view.

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 21/05/2017 12:30

Plus there was people in the club we both knew and I'm not sure if someone saw me leave with him.

So you left with him. Not sure if I was your bf that I would believe it was "just a kiss' whether it is true or not tbh.

KarmaNoMore · 21/05/2017 12:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

troodiedoo · 21/05/2017 12:33

You could always talk over these reasons with a counsellor on your own.

Fairenuff · 21/05/2017 12:34

'a few reasons why it might have happened' does not sound good. That sounds like an excuse, shifting the blame onto both of you when you were 100% responsible for the choice you made.

You need to give him some time OP. If it's bothering you, ask him if you can set a date to talk about your relationship in a few weeks time.

darkhorse85 · 21/05/2017 12:37

Is he more into you than you are him op? Be honest with yourself. If he is then let him go.

His and your behaviour as you write it sort of suggests that.

Original poster
DoIWannaKnow · 21/05/2017 12:48

Just to clarify I'm not mentioning it to him. I offered to go to my parents and he said he doesn't want that, and that we're ok, so I'm leaving it. I'm not sure it's the right thing to do, hence posting on here, but I'm not saying that to him at the moment. Or demanding he deals with it in a certain way or anything.
I just didn't expect him to just go back to 'normal' so quickly.

And I'm not shifting the blame, they were both things he brought up. One of them is more his issue, in so much as he worries about it being a issue. The other I think he might be right about, but not in the way he thinks.

I wouldn't have said so darkhorse, but maybe since we had our dd, but I think that's more to do with her being my focus and I think that's probably normal.

OP posts:
DN4GeekinDerby · 21/05/2017 12:57

Pushing for talking is very unlikely to help but, for you OP, you might want to find some time to write all your concerns/thoughts/feelings down since it reads to me like you really want to get them out and work on them. For me, this is easier to do once I can brain dump and see it all typed out or written down and can work on it from there before I talk to anyone else about it or just to send as an email to my spouse saying 'here are my thoughts right now and would love feedback from you if you feel up to it'.

Somewhere in there, you may want to have a clear look at how you define cheating because you've said it felt like it but seem not sure why. For me, cheating is breaking a relationship boundary I know a partner has or that we've mutually agreed to so I would question why this felt like that when a quick kiss on a dance floor apparently wouldn't. I'm polyamorous so mine will be different but it sounds to me like figuring out and refirming your own boundaries would be important after kind-of-a-dick dude pushed them like that.

AnnieAnoniMouse · 21/05/2017 14:25

Seriously, you need to just stop.

You kissed a bloke. Not great, but you didn't fuck him, you didn't have an affair with him & you didn't have an emotional affair with him. You were out, drunk after not drinking for ages & you did something stupid. It Was A Kiss. Yes, it was one of those kisses that's more than a snog, but you didn't let it go any further & you didn't go home with him. It's not that big a deal in the scheme of things. Life will throw bigger problems at your relationship than this. Like having your child.

You have a choice here. You can accept your DP's forgiveness and move on OR you can keep being weird about it and wanting to 'talk'. Your choice.

No idea what your other two things are so hard to say how significant they are.

Badliar · 21/05/2017 14:33

Agree with pp's comment about a sense of proportion. Why aren't you playing it down as just a drunken snog? Are you sure there isn't more to it?

walmo · 21/05/2017 14:47

I think you need to stop saying what he should and shouldn't do.

Let him take his time and think things through properly.

I think you've got a bloody cheek to be honest.

flipflapsflop · 21/05/2017 14:49

It's tricky to minimise her actions like that though when it's important for her to make sure her other half can't do the same without it being over.

ZeroFeedback · 21/05/2017 14:57

If you were a man you would have been accused of being an ea narc following the script by now.

one of them is more his issue

personally, I do not see many scenarios where you leave with him and feel as guilty as you did that did not involve some fairly heavy petting even if you didn't sleep with him.

I don't think you have told us everything that happened, who saw what, the reasons why and led to you feeling the amount of guilt you did. Almost like you wanted a sense check of what would be reasonable to admit.

Now it's out of the way and you have been let off you want to punish yourself and maybe the dp by having more repercussions. Not the sign of a drunken snog to me.

Reason it's relevant? Had my DW made a similar disclosure I would want to forgive her, accept it was just a drunken snog and see what happens.

That does not mean I would not be seeing if her behaviour was of someone who was contrite. It does not mean that I would not be wanting to have a quiet word with one of the people who was there or the dickhead.

Part of getting my head together would be thinking it through on my own and wanting to get back to normal. Your behaviour over the coming days will probably tell him whether he was right to accept what you say at face value or not.

ZeroFeedback · 21/05/2017 14:58

And saying it would be over if he made the same mistake stinks of narc to me

ShelaghTurner · 21/05/2017 15:01

I put this to my DH as a moral dilemma and he surprised me by saying that he really wouldn't see it as a huge deal and that it certainly wouldn't be anything like the end for us and I think I agree with him. But then we've been married 17 years and are very stable and loving - maybe a drunken fumble isn't so much of a big deal when you're that far down the line.

ZeroFeedback · 21/05/2017 15:03

For example, did you go back into the club after or was it the last time your friends saw you?

What time did they see you leave? What time did he put you to bed?

Like it or not, they are likely to be amongst the things going through his head. If he has not asked someone already

ZeroFeedback · 21/05/2017 15:05

Married 18 years. A snog? Probably not a deal breaker even though it would hurt.

A fumble is something different and really blurs the lines.

Credit for the honesty would over ride a lot. Finding out it was part of the picture would reverse that and more

MrsKlugscheisser · 21/05/2017 15:11

What Annie says. Although I get the feeling that you're really enjoying being a bit of a drama llama.

user1479302027 · 21/05/2017 15:12

Do not let him turn things in on himself, in the sense of blaming himself or going over his failings. This would be weak and exploitative, and as people have said, people would scream narc ( or certainly ' the script') if roles were reversed. A drunken snog does not come from deep issues and needs, so don't romanticize it. People really can move on and forget about this sort of stuff. If their partners behaviour doesn't keep reminding them of it in the long term. For me, it would only be a big deal if it was a sign for the long term.

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 21/05/2017 15:12

that if he was to do the same as in payback. Then for me it would definitely be over.

How very do as I say not as I do.

One rule for one another for the other.