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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Kissed someone else last night! How do I tell him?

206 replies

DoIWannaKnow · 20/05/2017 13:08

Name changed as I'm honestly mortified with myself.

Basically as the title, I kissed someone else on a night out last night. More than just a drunken snog on the dance floor (not that, that would even be ok) but it was a proper, could have gone somewhere kiss. I'm disgusted with myself. I've never cheated before and honestly never thought I would.
I was really really drunk, I know that's not a excuse or anything. I'm just trying to make sense of it in my head.

I know I need to tell him, he's due back with our dd soon, but I just don't know what to say to him.
Do I just come out with it? Do I give him all the details? He knows who the guy is, not a friend or anything. I'm a bit worried if I tell him, he might go hit him or something stupid and get himself in trouble though.

OP posts:
RebelRogue · 20/05/2017 18:49

@HotNatured did you miss the part where OH actually knows the man in question,and OP doesn't trust the man or others there not to tell?

SherlockHolmes · 20/05/2017 18:53

Best of luck with it OP. At least you've been honest with him, and that should go in your favour.

PacificDogwod · 20/05/2017 18:53

Good, do talk.

Or rather listen, really listen to each other.

Don't try to justify your actions, you will have to accept his anger and hurt.
He has every right to be angry and hurt - you'll have to take it on the chin tbh.

PutThatPomBearBack · 20/05/2017 18:55

You've just told your husband you kissed another man , yet your regularly updating mumsnet Hmm priorities.

MrsTerryPratchett · 20/05/2017 19:11

Good luck OP. FWIW I think you did the right thing.

P1nkP0ppy · 20/05/2017 19:14

Fingers crossed that the other bloke doesn't brag that it went much further than a snog ☹️
The fact that others would have seen you go outside with him fuels speculation.
I really feel for your partner.

MyGastIsFlabbered · 20/05/2017 20:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SandyY2K · 20/05/2017 21:42

My father cheated on my mother and had a child as a consequence. They got through it.

That was your mum's choice. Not everyone would do and they'd be well within their rights not to.

And I'm surprised at those who think it's impossible to stay faithful.

I hope you're both able to get through this. Remember boundaries are really important in a relationship.

That OM knows that you're in a relationship, but didn't care. He's clearly got no respect for your relationship at all.

And... By confessing, you've given your relationship a good chance.

TaggieRR · 20/05/2017 21:50

I hope you can get through this OP

HarryElephante · 20/05/2017 22:23

That was your mum's choice. Not everyone would do and they'd be well within their rights not to

Of course. I am merely pointing out that it's not as black and white as some are making out and one size does not fit all.

Kissing and telling isn't the only way.

Original poster
DoIWannaKnow · 20/05/2017 23:03

Well I only really posted when he'd gone out, or was in the shower PutThatPom.

We've talked a fair bit and he's saying he doesn't want us to break up. I'm not sure what exactly that means for us though. We're both pretty tired so I think we're talked out for now.

Oh I know Sandy my worry that he'd say something came from that!

Hadn't thought of that P1nk my boyfriend is pretty good at knowing if I'm lying or not though, so I feel confident he knows I've told him exactly what happened.

OP posts:
HotNatured · 20/05/2017 23:05

Rebel yes I rtt. No one is going to bother talking about a kiss for gods sake

Original poster
DoIWannaKnow · 20/05/2017 23:14

It was the other man in particular HotNatured I think he might have said something, just to cause problems and because I didn't take things futher.
Like I said he's a bit of a dick!!

OP posts:
user1479302027 · 20/05/2017 23:15

You did the right thing op, without a doubt. If he found out from elsewhere, he would assume you were a player, at it all the time. This way, you have proved your contrition. I have forgiven dw much, much worse because genuinely sorry.

AyeAmarok · 20/05/2017 23:16

If he does want to work through it and doesn't dump you, I'd suggest you stop drinking.

MrsTerryPratchett · 20/05/2017 23:52

I also really wouldn't have wanted the dick head who persists when told no to have something over me. He sounds the type to have exploited it.

Original poster
DoIWannaKnow · 21/05/2017 10:48

It's the second time I've ever been really drunk (last time being my 18th) and I wasn't exactly incoherent or anything AyeAmarok. I've already said, I didn't really drink loads but it was a combination of not eating and having not really drunk for a long time, I think. So not planning on becoming teetotal or anything.

I'm not sure why it happened and I guess that's our biggest problem really. I've offered to go stay with my parents for a while, but my boyfriend doesn't want that. I'm unsure, I think maybe some time apart to think things through might be a good idea for us both Confused

OP posts:
PacificDogwod · 21/05/2017 11:09

This may be the litmus test for your relationship, DoI
V best of luck Thanks

ChronicPainDaddy · 21/05/2017 11:12

Its trickg OP. You might think some time apart might help you think things through and help out in the long run but he might see it differently. From his perspective hes just found our about the kiss and is confused about how he feels about it, hes said hw doesn't want you to go to your parents and if you push it and go when he doesn't want you too he might see it as you pulling away and cause him to be concerned that there was more to this then there is

Original poster
DoIWannaKnow · 21/05/2017 11:34

I think that's exactly it Chronic he thinks me going is leaving him. I think there's no point us just saying it's all ok, if we haven't dealt with it.
I'm not willing for him to just bring it up when he's angry with me and I need him to know, that if he was to do the same as in payback. Then for me it would definitely be over.
He doesn't want to talk about these things though and seems to just be let's carry on like nothing happened. Which I guess should be happy with, but I'm not!!

OP posts:
flipflapsflop · 21/05/2017 11:42

you don't want much from him do you? Given it's less than a day and all.

ChronicPainDaddy · 21/05/2017 11:45

Its possible that he doesn't want to talk about it as hes still struggling to work out how he feels about it. Quite naturally you want to talk everything through and deal with it but i think you've got to follow his lead with this, at least at first and as long as it doesn't look like he will never want to deal with it

RebelRogue · 21/05/2017 11:51

Have you considered that he can't promised all those things yet? He hasn't had much time to process things,how he feels about it,how he will move on from it,can he move on from it. But you wanted reassurance less than one day from dropping the bomb.
Also you leaving,he could be seeing it as a further rejection and you giving up. If he's wondering why you did it,is it him,something he did or didn't do,is he not enough etc and then you drop the "well let's be apart for a while" he's not exactly going to jump on the idea and feel great about it is he?

Give him time,follow his cues and hopefully you'll sort it out. And ffs don't make it all about you and what you need.

MrsKlugscheisser · 21/05/2017 12:07

Can we have some sense of proportion here? It was a kiss and she was drunk. A one off. It is unlikely to happen again. She's not asking for forgiveness for a year long affair or shagging some random at a work conference. She has apologised, is remorseful, has said it won't happen again. He should accept the apology and move on.

HildaOg · 21/05/2017 12:07

It increasingly sounds like he'd be better off running. You're the one in the wrong here, he needs time to process that and think about how he's prepared to move forward. This is not the time for you to be making demands and acting like you don't care. Just proving to him you don't care a