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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Kissed someone else last night! How do I tell him?

206 replies

DoIWannaKnow · 20/05/2017 13:08

Name changed as I'm honestly mortified with myself.

Basically as the title, I kissed someone else on a night out last night. More than just a drunken snog on the dance floor (not that, that would even be ok) but it was a proper, could have gone somewhere kiss. I'm disgusted with myself. I've never cheated before and honestly never thought I would.
I was really really drunk, I know that's not a excuse or anything. I'm just trying to make sense of it in my head.

I know I need to tell him, he's due back with our dd soon, but I just don't know what to say to him.
Do I just come out with it? Do I give him all the details? He knows who the guy is, not a friend or anything. I'm a bit worried if I tell him, he might go hit him or something stupid and get himself in trouble though.

OP posts:
Original poster
DoIWannaKnow · 20/05/2017 13:59

Honestly don't know Saor our relationship is really good. I was very drunk and I think just enjoying the freedom of a baby free night out (we are a youngish couple and hadn't planned a baby so soon) the guy was a bit persistent and I did turn him down a few times and then I just don't know!

OP posts:
grungeneverdied · 20/05/2017 13:59

Doesn't matter how drunk or high I was I wouldn't cheat on my partner. Simply because I don't want any other woman and wouldn't throw it all away for slight attraction for somebody. There has to be more back story and you're treading on thin ice already

troodiedoo · 20/05/2017 13:59

Ah if you don't trust him then you need to get in first. Just keep it simple. You did something stupid, you're really sorry and it'll never happen again, and you'll understand if he wants to end it. Don't make excuses or blame anyone else. But equally don't keep apologising endlessly. It could have been worse.

IllBeAtTheSpa · 20/05/2017 14:00

It's a terrible situation to be in but put the shoe on the other foot
If he did this to you would you want to know? Would you rather he told you or you heard it from someone else?

HarryElephante · 20/05/2017 14:10

Are you mortified enough never to do it again?

How are things generally between you & DH?

If they answers are 'God yes' & 'Really good'. Then suck it up buttercup & live with the guilt. Don't inflict this on your DH.

If you feel you may well do it again or things aren't good with DH then stop & look at your life properly & deal with the problems

This is the best advice you'll get. You'd be wise to heed it.

SaorAlbaGuBrath · 20/05/2017 14:11

I think you need to be honest with him OP, and then let him decide where things go. I'd be devastated, absolutely broken hearted if DP did that.

Ratatatouille · 20/05/2017 14:12

I don't think that not telling a partner that you cheated in these circumstances necessarily means there's no respect grunge. There's an argument to say that if you know this is not likely to be something that your partner would end the relationship over (and you can 100% guarantee that you are so disgusted with yourself that it would never happen again) then telling them only serves the purpose of easing your own guilt and actually just inflicts a load of heartache onto them unnecessarily. Better that the guilty party lives with their own guilty conscience and doesn't let a moment of madness hurt the innocent partner. I think the "deny, deny, deny" line is pretty disgusting though. There's a difference between not confessing and telling bare faced lies to somebody once you've been caught out.

In your situation though OP, I think you have to be honest. There is too much risk involved. OM or another acquaintance could easily tell your DP and if he has to hear about it, it should be from you.

Fairenuff · 20/05/2017 14:12

Tell him as soon as he gets in. He will ask how your night out was and you can say something like 'It was great until the end when something happened that totally ruined it. X kissed me and I kissed him back. I don't know why I did, it was totally stupid of me and I am so very sorry.'

Then answer all his questions with honesty and be prepared for him to feel however he does about it.

I wouldn't mention being drunk as that sounds like an excuse even if you think it isn't.

MrsKlugscheisser · 20/05/2017 14:16

You were drunk and it was a kiss. No big deal.

Original poster
DoIWannaKnow · 20/05/2017 14:17

Thanks. Not telling him isn't a option. I know that!!
He's on his way home and hopefully dd will be ready for a nap and I'll tell him.

I don't need to tell him I was drunk, he had the pleasure of putting me to bed last night and he knows I'm never normally that drunk. I'm hoping that goes in my favour somewhat.

OP posts:
HildaOg · 20/05/2017 14:18

If you had done it with a stranger in a location where you didn't know anybody then I'd say stay quiet.

You didn't. You kissed a man he knows in front of people that know you. People are going to be gossiping about this now, laughing behind his back and someone will say something to him whether privately out of kindness or publicly mocking him. When he finds out through others he's going to be a lot angrier and more humiliated. Tell him and let him decide whether he wants to stay.

manueltowers · 20/05/2017 14:19

It really bugs me when people say "don't tell him".

He deserves all the facts so he can decide whether to stay with a cheat or not. Plus, it'll be ten times worse if you lie now and it comes out later.

Good luck, OP.

Badliar · 20/05/2017 14:20

I wouldn't tell him but you seem adamant you want to.

daisychain01 · 20/05/2017 14:20

The fact you've started this thread says to me you want to keep reliving the moment, talking about the details - sort of mentionitis.

PacificDogwod · 20/05/2017 14:24

I am glad to see that you are intent on telling him - that is the only way to limit damage to your relationship.

Alcohol does not change who we are, it simply disinhibits. So I do suggest you think long and hard about why you were prepared to snog somebody else, albeit intoxicated at the time.
Relationship strife/infidelity is one to many alcohol related harms.
Whether or not your DH will see a drunken kiss as infidelity is up to him; clearly you do.

Original poster
DoIWannaKnow · 20/05/2017 14:45

He's home, but I just can't tell him!! He's been so lovely, brought me food home to try make me feel better and everything.
How on earth do I start the conversation??

OP posts:
gottachangethename1 · 20/05/2017 14:50

Sorry, but least said soonest mended. It would be mad to ruin a relationship/family because you tell him you had a drunken snog.

flipflapsflop · 20/05/2017 14:51

No way to sugar the pill.

HarryElephante · 20/05/2017 14:52

Don't tell him. The guilt is your punishment.

Let it go. Don't do it again.

millmoo · 20/05/2017 14:53

I wouldn't tell him -it was a stupid drunken mistake that you're never going to repeat -you have beer fear today and you'll really upset him all for a complete moment of madness !! Keep quiet and if anything gets said just deny it -it was a stupid kiss that meant nothing to you and you may just throw your whole life away over something that meant nothing ❤️❤️

PrimalLass · 20/05/2017 14:54

Don't tell him.

HildaOg · 20/05/2017 14:55

You have to sit him down and tell him you were very drunk and someone kissed you and you accidently kissed them back. You feel horrendous about it and you're very very sorry.

Tell him before someone else does.

SherlockStones · 20/05/2017 14:57

The amount of people telling you to keep quiet is quite a frankly a joke and smacks of hypocrisy seen on here all too often.

He deserves to know OP whether it's a kiss or not and it's good that's your intention, it should be his choice where you go from here and providing it doesn't happen again hopefully he'll forgive.

HildaOg · 20/05/2017 14:59

All the people telling you not to tell seem not to have noticed that it was with a man he knows who is likely to talk and in front of people who know you. You have no option but to get in there before someone else does.

PacificDogwod · 20/05/2017 15:06

If you don't tell him you will end up having to explain your behaviour wrt the kiss and why you did not own up.
And you will have lost the honesty bonus.

You will just have to take a deep breath and say it "DH, last night I kissed X. I feel so bad, I am so sorry. I hope you can forgive me".

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