Kissed someone else last night! How do I tell him?

[DoIWannaKnow]

Name changed as I'm honestly mortified with myself.

Basically as the title, I kissed someone else on a night out last night. More than just a drunken snog on the dance floor (not that, that would even be ok) but it was a proper, could have gone somewhere kiss. I'm disgusted with myself. I've never cheated before and honestly never thought I would.
I was really really drunk, I know that's not a excuse or anything. I'm just trying to make sense of it in my head.

I know I need to tell him, he's due back with our dd soon, but I just don't know what to say to him.
Do I just come out with it? Do I give him all the details? He knows who the guy is, not a friend or anything. I'm a bit worried if I tell him, he might go hit him or something stupid and get himself in trouble though.

You wouldn't forgive him...

Wow

Obviously I wouldn't actual do it like that Rebel I just don't get the idea, that I've done something stupid and he chooses to forgive me, so if he does something stupid Ive got to forgive him.
For what it's worth, I really don't think he would and he says he wouldn't. I just felt he should know my position on it, before making his own decision.

And have you clarified for him your position on flirting with dicks you can't help but like?

Meh it's up to your OH how he moves on for this and what the future will bring. You could live happily even after and this just a blip in years of happiness. You might split up because of this or smth else.

But I do find your attitude on the night quite appealing...it wasn't just a drunken kiss was it?

Humans are - and life is - a lot more complex than some are making out.

This. MN is ridiculously taliban about perceived cheating and nothing like the real world, where - statistically - many LTR do survive infidelity. I simply don't believe that the MN line that cheating should always be a deal-breaker plays out in real life. Apparently no true MNetter has ever even looked at another man while in a LTR. It does make you wonder who all those male cheaters are cheating with

I have been cheated on in a LTR, I have never cheated, I don't believe in open relationships or any of that crap. But I also think there are steaming piles of hypocrisy on MN about cheating and a weird obsession with policing other people's sexuality.

Isn't the problem here the OPs scorched earth approach to potential misdemeanours by her other half?

You know what? You don't actually seem that upset at all this, OP. There is minimal emotion in your posts.

Some people subconsciously sabotage relationships they know are not right. It's a way of avoiding admitting to each other that they have grown apart or that they were never that sure in the first place.

Yes, couples can get over cheating. But it's usually in a relationship where both halves of the couple would admit that there had been major problems for a while.

OP, you don't mention having been unhappy in the relationship, or bored or whatever. You just sound unemotional about him. Like you know your behaviour was wrong but you feel guilt in the same way as someone who had done something shitty to a friend would feel. There is no sense of betraying the love of your life etc.

you COULD have stopped yourself. Of course you could. You chose not to. And therein lies the crux of the matter. YOU know that wasn't right. HE is in denial and is wanting to keep the status quo.

Exactly flip the hypocracy is breath taking.

To clarify, I meant that overcoming cheating can happen in a truly committed long term relationship where deep down they love each other but who have just forgotten that they do and have got into bad habits and who would both admit that.

And do you know what, if I'd have done that to DH (not that I ever would as I truly love him so wouldn't jeopardise that) I would feel fucking DEVASTATED with myself. There is no devastation in your posts. Just a calm
Thinking out your options. Speaks volumes.

I just felt he should know my position on it, before making his own decision.

Right so because he hasn't explicitly come out and said 'if you cheat on me it's over' you think it gives you the green light to do what you have done?

Give me strength.

You are coming across as 'I can do what I want but if he does the same to me it's over'

I'm not immune to the reality of the world nor the fact that these situations are generally many shades of gray.

Someone I played rugby with saw only PIV as cheating. In his words "a little light fingering doesn't harm anyone."

He was very touchy with anyone who would then offer Tom follow that logic with his gf though.

Quid pro quo is not what it's about either, and I do not want to hammer the OP without the full facts, but I do see similarities in attitude.

We are back at claiming it was just a kiss though, which I find odd.

Either op is torturing herself over just a kiss or is in full on minimise mode - he pursued me, led me outside and poor me didn't know what I was doing because he was so damn charming and I was drunk

So your boyfriend feels that one day you will regret that you've only had sex with him. Has the seed been sown somewhere in your mind that you would like to try someone else, that you are missing out?

It seems to me that you are wanting to be single, you certainly aren't behaving like a person in love. You're pushing your luck deliberately.

some of what you say is hitting home Curly not that I don't love him and I really am devastated with my behaviour.

But, we struggled when I was pregnant and dd was born and I'm not sure, I've completely forgiven him for what he did (not cheating.)
He mentioned it as a reason, but more that I'm still angry/upset with him. I don't think it's that though, but I think I've maybe distanced myself from him emotionally. I certainly don't think I was actively looking to cheat or anything, but subconsciously I don't know.

I'm not claiming it's just a kiss Zero I said it was more! We kissed, I had my arms around his neck we were pressed up against each other and he touched me, all above clothing or on the parts of skin which were already bare. That's what happened!

I've honestly never felt I'm missing out walmo but he's always struggled with it a bit. We had a short break for a while a year or so in and I still wasn't interested in being with anyone else.

Being honest then DoIWannaKnow you are beating yourself up over not that much really in terms of the physical act.

I think most people would call what you've just described a snog and not a fumble or much more.

I can see why your DP would be willing to forgive and move on with that. Getting into how long etc would be pointless

There is still the public nature of it and the fact you would leave him for similar but you clearly have other issues in your relationship which you are entitled to keep to yourself if you want.

Being emotionally distanced, there being other things at play etc do need to be addressed but do not allow this incident to become something you allow to be the straw that broke the camel's back.

It is like you want there to be a bigger more devastating reaction from him or for him to get revenge so you can end it.

That is not fair on him as, despite what may have happened in the past, you are in the wrong this time.

He wants things to work, if you do too you should be honest with yourself and see that it is not a big deal if he does not pack a bag and throw you out on the street over a snog - even a public one with a dickhead.

Do not transfer other issues onto his reaction to this.

Give him time to clear his head about this, invest in getting closer emotionally etc to him (yes, you should be making the running for now) but work on whatever you think may have made this possible without mentioning this incident as being the reason you need to discuss whatever issue.

This incident is the symptom, work on the issues to fix your relationship long term despite it not because of it.

I think you will get a better reaction from him if it is about any issues because they are there and you want the relationship to be stronger; not because you had a low level, minor cheating incident. That's too much like locking the stable after the horse has bolted whereas wanting to get closer and stronger anyway has a long term value - even if, for now, it may seem one sided for you to be doing most of the running (just don't allow it to become you doing the running all the time or him being a doormat or martyr)

Good luck

Thank you Zero I think it's the fact it's so unlike me and I'm feeling guilty and pretty embarrassed about it too. Plus, it's not something I've ever worried about in our relationship and I know I've been the one to spoil that now.

But he does seem to just want to forget about and move on. And he's not showing any signs that he's changed how he feels about me or that he doesn't trust me as a result. So I think I do need to just try forget about it.

Our issue is something we have/are dealing with. I thought I was ok with it all really and he's definitely been making it up to us and I'm proud of him for that.
I think it's probably just a time thing. I guess somethings just can't be rushed.

Your mentioning to your partner that you would not forgive it the other way round may have come across as a threat - ie, a shot across the bows, rather than a bit of information "so he can make his choice". And you bringing up his past indiscretions is following something very close to the script. I started out on your side, op, but I feel that you are behaving in a self-absorbed way now. Are you sure that your partners worry about your lack of experience isn't a response to your previous behaviour ( comments etc)? As an example, I always say how happy I am that I didn't asked around before meeting dp, and that our history is romantic. It makes them feel secure.

No user I didn't mean it as a threat and he's not taken it that way.
I haven't brought up the past situation, he mentioned it and I've not blamed him or tried to say that's why I did it or anything. Since Saturday I've not mentioned it to him at all. I'm just trying to understand it in my own head.

I've never said anything about wishing I'd had chance to play the field a bit or anything. I need a connection to have sex, there's a reason I never did it with my previous boyfriends and when we split for a while, (his choice and this played a big part, although I didn't know at the time) there's a reason I wasn't tempted then.
He's always said if he'd known, (he presumed as most people did, that I'd slept with my ex at least) he wouldn't have asked me out when he did.

Seriously? He wouldn't have asked you out if he'd known you weren't a virgin?

If he knew I was Plum and not that he wouldn't have, but not when he did. I'm a bit younger than him and he was a bit unsure at asking me out at all because of my age.

It sounds to me like you're not that bothered if your relationship ends or not TBH.

You're asserting your position and telling him that you won't accept him doing what you did, which I find awful hypocritical.

I'm not saying that would be right for him to do, but I get a sense of you trying to dictate things.

This sounds a bit like an imbalanced relationship with you holding the cards and wearing the trousers.

I don't see this relationship going the long haul with your attitude and behaviour.

It might be a response to something he's previously done, or you feel he's easily replaceable, but I'm just not getting a huge sense of remorse with your recent posts.

It was there before you told him, but it's like you don't care either way now.

Woah, bit harsh there sandy! Who are you to "tell the OP off"?

There's frank and honest, and there's judgmental and overbearing Red.

That a poster is a regular isn't reason enough not to pint it out when it happens.