Kissed someone else last night! How do I tell him?

[DoIWannaKnow]

Name changed as I'm honestly mortified with myself.

Basically as the title, I kissed someone else on a night out last night. More than just a drunken snog on the dance floor (not that, that would even be ok) but it was a proper, could have gone somewhere kiss. I'm disgusted with myself. I've never cheated before and honestly never thought I would.
I was really really drunk, I know that's not a excuse or anything. I'm just trying to make sense of it in my head.

I know I need to tell him, he's due back with our dd soon, but I just don't know what to say to him.
Do I just come out with it? Do I give him all the details? He knows who the guy is, not a friend or anything. I'm a bit worried if I tell him, he might go hit him or something stupid and get himself in trouble though.

Op won't have to do that at all. It's a choice. And a bad one of she chooses to do that!

HarryElephante

Saying, "the guilt is her punishment" is just minimising the act, he deserves to know period and should have the choice on what happens next.

Being drunk is no excuse.

Harry, the OP has already said that she need to tell him (and I agree, it's the right thing to do).
I was simply suggesting a choice of works.
There really is no sugar-coating it.

I was in your position a few months ago. I cheated on my boyfriend whom I love so much and like you was disgusted and couldn't believe I done it. He found out, caught me out and it was hell for a few days, couple weeks of sleeping on sofa.. But we got through it thank god (not many would) cause we loved each other so much even though he should and wanted to end it with me he couldn't , we are now stronger than ever, 3 months later :)

It is not the end of the world. Its gonna be very hard but as long as your genuinely regretting it, then thats a good sign...wish you all the best

Was also v drunk, not an excuse I know too. It was so hard seeing his face and disappointment towards me. But as I said now were a lot stronger having that tough time prove our love.

You DON'T!

Fuck. Is it really worth utterly destroying the relationship over? He'll never trust you again (even if he says he will) and it will poison you both from the inside out. One drunken kiss! Sheesh.

He will literally bring this up over and over again for the rest of what will be left of your relationship. Every dirty dish, every item of clothing you put on. Seriously. Don't freakin' do it.

Just get over it and move on. It is not remotely a big deal.

I agree with those saying don't tell him. Telling him would relieve your guilt and make you feel better, but it would devastate him. If you are positive you won't do anything like this again, keep it to yourself.

If my DH snogged someone on a drunken night out but had no intention of seeing that person again and regretted it as you do, I would rather not know.

He has the right to know.

You know what I hate about cheating? It isn't actually the act itself totally. It's people taking away the right of their partner to choose. It's saying to them effectively, "I know better than you what you want and need and I will lie to you because you don't deserve to make your own choices".

Maybe he's unhappy but won't leave because of his child. Maybe he has turned someone down who he really likes because he's a good guy. Maybe he wants a different life but chooses the OP because she's such a great wife and mother... He gets to have all the information because anything less is denying him self-determination.

And, OP, you need to work out why it happened. Because there was a reason and it isn't booze. And when a man is 'persistent' they are an arsehole. A really bad person who doesn't really understand consent.

What good will telling him do?
It was a kiss fgs not a 6 month affair. You haven't put his sexual health at risk or anything like that.
Get a grip. It's not great behaviour, but it doesn't make you awful partner of the century either!
Telling him will just make things worse, he might go completely mad, or he might shrug it off and forgive you, but he'll never forget it & could throw it back in your face in years to come.
If he finds anything out, deny it, say they're exaggerating & that it was nothing.
The fact that you're deeply regretful is a good thing, it proves you love your partner & won't do anything stupid again.
Forget about it.

I would look at why you did it. Saying 'I was drunk' isn't enough of a reason, I've been drunk loads of times and would still never consider cheating on DH because I love him and we're happy.

I cheated on an ex (I know, I know, not my finest hour), I was drunk and regretted it so much. But while that was just a snog, it was crossing a line and I did it again a while later (I know, I know, I'm awful) I think because I had already crossed that line. I do think cheating once makes it easier to cheat again. Be really honest with yourself about whether that could happen. Ultimately for me, I wasn't happy which was why I behaved so badly and I ended that relationship, which is what I should have done in the first place.

People in happy and loving relationships don't cheat just because they have had a drink.

People in happy and loving relationships don't cheat just because they have had a drink

Or maybe she's just human & made a mistake?

Is one drunken kiss really cheating?! It certainly isn't in my book, hence not wanting to know if Dh did it. I wouldn't tell him either. Its just a ridiculous mistake.

Thanks for the advice everyone, I know a lot recommend not telling him. But I honestly think the other man would have at some point if I didn't or he didn't find out from someone else.
Anyway I told him and it was horrible as I expected. He's gone, not sure where as he didn't say, he's not taken his phone or wallet though so hoping he's just gone to calm down a bit and he'll come home.

The why? I'm not sure....my bf asked that and I didn't know what to say. The other man is a bit of dick to be honest.

If he finds anything out, deny it, say they're exaggerating & that it was nothing.

That's horrendous. Do you think that is really the behaviour of someone who is disgusted with themselves for betraying their partner's trust?

Is one drunken kiss really cheating?! It certainly isn't in my book, hence not wanting to know if Dh did it. I wouldn't tell him either. Its just a ridiculous mistake.

I don't really get this. If it's not cheating then why wouldn't you want to know? The thing that makes cheating unacceptable behaviour is largely the way it makes your partner feel. It's strange that you wouldn't want to know, presumably because it would make you feel horrible to think of your DH kissing another woman, but you don't consider it cheating.

Tell him you think the other man is a bit of a dick. That's both honest and can only be a good thing, surely?
Although I really think I know nothing, and we're all so different.

I hope you get through this, you and your BF.

The thing that concerns me the most about all you have said is that you had turned him down but then kissed him as he was persistent.

So it wasn't that you like him or are very physically attracted to him. Is that correct?

You're allowed to put boundaries in place. You're allowed to keep saying no.

It seems like the other man took advantage of you somewhat. You turned him down a few times, until finally you were drunk enough to respond to his advances. Was OM buying you drinks?

Anyway, hope you can patch things up with your DP. It was just a drunken kiss.

Ok, big breaths now.
You've done the big scary RIGHT thing and the ball is now in his court.
I hope you both find a way to talk this out and get through it.

Yy re your boundaries having been breached by this guy.
He is at best a dick, at worst he's assaulted you - how you perceive it is obviously up to you, just like it is up to your DH just quite how betrayed he feels by a kiss.

Seriously consider the harm drinking too much has done/is doing you here - he is the dick, can I be quite clear about this, but sadly dicks exist. What measures we feels we need/want to take is over to us.

While cheating isn't ever something I would congratulate, I think your honesty is refreshing and you are braver than an awful lot of people may have been. Fwiw I think you've done the right thing; you've given him the choice.
I'd be truly devastated if my DP cheated on me BUT him telling me the truth and being genuinely remorseful immediately could well make the difference between us splitting and us working through it. If he lied and I found out weeks or months down the line, it'd be over immediately as I couldn't live with someone who could deceive me like that while playing happy families.
Hope you're as okay as could be expected and that your DP makes the right choice for himself

Oh no I'm not implying he took advantage or it was anyway assault! It's complicated, although don't they all say that!!

I know the other man and he's a dick, but one of those who can be quite easy to also like at the same time as hating him.

I was drunk, but more than capable of saying no and did so, when he was trying to get me to go home with him.

I don't usually drink much and didn't really have all that much last night, but I've been pregnant or breastfeeding so haven't really been drinking much at all, and we were supposed to go for food and plans changed and I'd not eaten before going out!

Personally I'd tell him. Grin and bare the fall out. Then have someone else tell him, because he'll never believe anything else you say. Cheating is one thing, and can be forgiven. But lying about it for weeks or months, means everything else from this point on is built on a lie. Tell him. He deserves to know.