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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Ex has died, child support have written.

220 replies

SimplyPut · 12/05/2017 01:08

Not sure if this is the right location but here goes.

I left Ex when DC1&2 were under 2.5yrs. He was abusive to me, financially abusive to us all and choose to have no contact with the children from then on. He had paid a total of £472 in maintenance over a 13yr period. He frequently left jobs etc with CSA found him, arrested his wages at one point so he moved again. Of the £472, £40 was made up of £5 postal orders sent when he was unemployed from the DWP.

He recently committed suicide. Today I received a letter stating he owed over £20k in maintenance. Of which £16k is owed to me.
If I don't make contact then they will pursue his estate for their share only.

What would you do? Do I upset his family (3DC's and a partner/parents) and pursue this for the DC's or just leave it be?

OP posts:
usernamealreadytaken · 12/05/2017 13:49

Good luck OP, I hope that you are able to get something for your DCs and move onwards and upwards Flowers

Original poster
SimplyPut · 12/05/2017 13:49

Yes Hmm, that's correct.

OP posts:
PhoenixJasmine · 12/05/2017 14:15

Who had the affair, him or her?

I know legally it doesn't matter but morally it might affect how 'fair' things are on her.

AyeAmarok · 12/05/2017 14:18

Well, harsh as I may sound, if his ex was complicit (as I suggested earlier and your update confirms) in his dodging maintenance, and they own a home, then if his estranged wife has to remortgage, or sell, that to pay this maintenance debt then tough shit. She (and her DC) have been benefiting for years from the extra income he had because he was avoiding maintenance. Now the chickens have come home to roost and she has to pay that back, just like if they'd been living on credit cards.

Can't muster up any sympathy for her plight, really. She'll just have to make do with less money, just like OP had to for 15 odd years. Let this be a lesson to her.

LightYears · 12/05/2017 14:49

"This worries me. If dh died, and his ex came after me for "her kids" inheritance," Your husband should make previsions to leave his children their inheritance, why the heck wouldn't he.

LightYears · 12/05/2017 14:51

*and why would you want what by rights would be theirs.

Original poster
SimplyPut · 12/05/2017 15:28

She had the affair Phoenix

OP posts:
redshoeblueshoe · 12/05/2017 15:31

Pursue. Its for your DC.
Its irrelevant who had the affair.
Its irrelevant that he committed suicide.
Your DC sound grounded Flowers

reallyanotherone · 12/05/2017 15:41

*Your husband should make previsions to leave his children their inheritance, why the heck wouldn't he.

and why would you want what by rights would be theirs

He has and I wouldn't.

Fact is his ex kicked him out with nothing (to move OM in). Emptied all their joint accounts, savings, remortgaged the house. By the time they divorced there were no "assets", so the house was signed into her name. DH has nothing to leave, from years and years of supporting his kids and trying to cover his own rent and bills.

Everything we have is mine, from before we met. My house, in my name. My pension, my savings.

But, as several posters point out, it seems to be assumed that there will be "an inheritance" as on the surface he lives in a nice house, drives a nice car, and lives a reasonable lifestyle.

There is nothing that should "by rights be theirs". Judging on her behaviour when they split though, she would likely come after me for "their half". If they were successful, My kids and I would lose our house, everything. And me, as a low income single parent would have no way of keeping us all. I have been as careful as I can, but she can afford expensive lawyers, I can't.

I do see this is different to the o/p though, as DH has no money because he has been supporting his kids.

WatchingFromTheWings · 12/05/2017 15:56

But, presumably she was complicit in his total lack of support for his other DCs. I can't summon up any sympathy.

Agree with this. My DH has 2 kids from a previous relationship. I'd go nuts if I found out he wasn't supporting them.

This is the kids money. I don't think you have the right to not at least try to claim what they are owed. What you do with it then is entirely up to you. Spend some/save some. So long as it's for their benefit.

Hope the kids are ok. I know your DH has been dad to them all these years but he was still their father.

SemiNormal · 12/05/2017 15:57

Fact is his ex kicked him out with nothing (to move OM in). Emptied all their joint accounts, savings, remortgaged the house. By the time they divorced there were no "assets", so the house was signed into her name. DH has nothing to leave, from years and years of supporting his kids and trying to cover his own rent and bills - What the ex did is nothing to do with the children whatsoever. It's good that he is supporting his children but where does he pay rent for? If you're married don't you live together in your house?

Everything we have is mine, from before we met. My house, in my name. My pension, my savings - What happens if you divorce? Would he get half of everything? Are they not now considered joint assets?

But, as several posters point out, it seems to be assumed that there will be "an inheritance" as on the surface he lives in a nice house, drives a nice car, and lives a reasonable lifestyle - I don't understand what you mean by 'on the surface' .... he either lives in a nice house, drives a nice car etc or he doesn't?

Judging on her behaviour when they split though, she would likely come after me for "their half" - Why would they do this if your husband has made provisions for them in the will? or hasn't he? I'm confused. Or do you feel that they simply wouldn't think it's enough?

If they were successful, My kids and I would lose our house, everything. And me, as a low income single parent would have no way of keeping us all. I have been as careful as I can, but she can afford expensive lawyers, I can't - This would be horrible and I can see why you're worried. I think this is something people should consider or discuss before they marry people with children from previous relationships. I'm not saying that people shouldn't marry people who have children already but definitely set out what is going to happen financially and in case of divorce/death etc

FWIW my ex is with someone else and has a child with them. His partners parents are millionaires. If they married and she had perhaps inherited millions, then he died, I wouldn't go after her for money (and my ex has never supported our child) because he doesn't work and hasn't for some time. He is also unlikely to anytime in the near future. I would feel differently if he worked and contributed to the household financially though. It's certainly made me consider OPs post a lot more.

LightYears · 12/05/2017 16:04

reallyanothetoneI can understand your concern. I have no husband/partner atm but I have thought about if I did meet someone and the only way I'd marry him is if the finances were equal and my sons inheritance was safe.

GigiBuffon · 12/05/2017 16:11

It's very simple. It's not an inheritance, it's a debt. Money your children are owed.

It is entirely possible that are assets or money in the estate. A financial cushion can enable someone to chop and change jobs.

If his new partner wanted financial security, she should have encouraged him to pay as it fell due.

reallyanotherone · 12/05/2017 16:11

To answer your questions, semi-normal.

Rent and bills from before he met me. He didn't go straight from her house to mine. He lives in a nice house etc, but they are not his, they are bought and paid for by me. His wages go on CM, personal things, share of the food and little things. Nothing left over. Doesn't matter if he's made provisions in the will, he has no assets. He can hardly leave them a share of a house he doesn't own. He could leave them everything he has, they'd get nothing.

Key point; Everything we have is mine, from before we met. My house, in my name. My pension, my savings - What happens if you divorce? Would he get half of everything? Are they not now considered joint assets? Exactly. So my worry is if he died somehow everything would be viewed as "joint assets" and his kids would be entitled to half of everything I brought into the marriage, despite what I have done to protect it. If they are, I am left pretty much bankrupt.

PoisonousSmurf · 12/05/2017 16:14

Pursue it! Hope he rots in Hell.

SummerMummy88 · 12/05/2017 16:14

Pursue, your kids are owed that money, if you feel really bad pursuing it do it for your kids future.. could be put in a savings account for uni or part of a house deposit even towards a car and driving lessons for each of them.
You may feel like you are taking it away from his family but your forgetting, your kids are his family whether or not he saw them.

LightYears · 12/05/2017 16:44

reallyanotherone maybe you could settle your mind by seeing a solicitor, then you'd know for sure where you'd stand if divorce/death were to occur. Would you husband be left homeless if something were to happen to you?

MrsTeller · 12/05/2017 17:02

I completely agree with those saying it's an outstanding debt, which needs to be settled before the remainder of his estate is distributed, it's perfectly simple, there's no moral dilemma.

TheAntiBoop · 12/05/2017 17:07

Really - the op is about settling a debt on death. You are talking about inheritance which is totally different. You should get wills done

PhoenixJasmine · 12/05/2017 17:35

Really - see a solicitor to see what your situation actually is, and then get it formalised through whatever process you can, wills etc. You also need to think what happens if you die first, as your husband he might inherit everything, and then when he dies all your assets are split between all of his children, not just yours.

OP, the overwhelming consensus seems to be to pursue the debt. His second wife(?) was complicit in the debt accumulating, and is seemingly responsible for their relationship breaking down, she's not coming off well here. You would not be doing anything 'to' her and her children - it was already done by the both of them.

Suttonmum1 · 12/05/2017 18:08

Worth checking what happens if he has no will, in case there is a proper inheritance as well as the 'debt'

TempusEedjit · 12/05/2017 18:32

If in England or Wales first £250k automatically goes to spouse if no will. If not married then it passes to blood relatives e.g children.

Heatherjayne1972 · 12/05/2017 18:42

What happens if a person dies with nothing at all? Is it worth hounding a grieving family ?
Slightly different but my fil died in poverty owing £££ he had fraudulently gained from the dwp
They tried to 'claim from the estate'
The family didn't have enough to pay for the funeral - didn't stop the government harassing the family to pay mind

TheAntiBoop · 12/05/2017 19:01

The debt dies with them but only once any assets left have been used to set against them. The debt isn't 'inherited' (which it is in other countries)

Original poster
SimplyPut · 12/05/2017 19:09

Evening everyone, firstly thank you for all the various perspectives and advice, I appreciate it.

I called the CSA estate recovery department this afternoon and advised I wish to pursue the debt on behalf of my children. I was informed it could take weeks or years and they would be in touch if anything is recovered.

OP posts: