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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Ex has died, child support have written.

220 replies

SimplyPut · 12/05/2017 01:08

Not sure if this is the right location but here goes.

I left Ex when DC1&2 were under 2.5yrs. He was abusive to me, financially abusive to us all and choose to have no contact with the children from then on. He had paid a total of £472 in maintenance over a 13yr period. He frequently left jobs etc with CSA found him, arrested his wages at one point so he moved again. Of the £472, £40 was made up of £5 postal orders sent when he was unemployed from the DWP.

He recently committed suicide. Today I received a letter stating he owed over £20k in maintenance. Of which £16k is owed to me.
If I don't make contact then they will pursue his estate for their share only.

What would you do? Do I upset his family (3DC's and a partner/parents) and pursue this for the DC's or just leave it be?

OP posts:
NormaSmuff · 12/05/2017 08:09

would you put the money away for your dc or buy what you have been living without??

Peanutbutterrules · 12/05/2017 08:10

Its money you are owed. You need to pursue it. You're responsibility is to your children only.

Garlicansapphire · 12/05/2017 08:11

Well I dont see how the CSA actually get any money - dont they just chase money for you and the children? You should pursue it - I would have thought the children are his heirs anyway - for all his money, not just the maintenance. I'd hope if i was the family I'd expect all his money to go to you and the kids.

junebirthdaygirl · 12/05/2017 08:13

Agree with Rollon. Please dont pursue it. Not because of him but his now partner and dc. Imagine stress they will feel . First suicide and now this. You have done everything right providing for your children throughout the years. Be proud of that and dont introduce any messy business into your lives now. Its not his other dcs fault he was a sorry excuse of a father. Im sure they havent had things easy. They are your dcs half siblings. Yours probably had a lucky escape years ago.Dont do it. Be the bigger person. Go on to live your own lives happily.

RestingBitch · 12/05/2017 08:15

If he's chopped and changed jobs as much as you've said, it's unlikely he's going to have that amount of funds once other bills/debts have been taken into account.

It's your kids right to have this money, even if you don't need it now, it can be stuck in a high interest account to help them when there older, weather that be to help them with uni, or to help set them up with the basics when they leave home.

Just be prepared that assuming he had a family then they may start crawling out the woodwork and start to cause trouble.

RebelAllianceUK · 12/05/2017 08:21

I'd suggest the money belongs to your kids...am I right in thinking they are about 15yo now?

I'd definitely pursue it.

I am guessing this would be a very straightforward claims process since the CSA will be able to provide the necessary paperwork.

If it is not to be pursued, I think that decision lies with your children and not you (and even then I'm not sure they're old enough to take that decision).

Horrible situation for you all Flowers

ArgyMargy · 12/05/2017 08:29

Leave it. It will not make anyone happy, least of all your children.

He killed himself. Has everyone missed that?

NoodlesAreYum · 12/05/2017 08:31

Hi Simply,

I am in the same situation as you and whilst the CSA didn't pursue, I now receive a monthly amount for each child from my ex's private pension. They will receive this until they leave school and it's a significant amount per month - around £500. Worth speaking to a solicitor about as no-one else will be able to claim it so it would disappear into the pension's coffers.

WutheringTights · 12/05/2017 08:32

When your children are struggling to save for house deposits etc in the future, how will they feel knowing that you effectively gave away £16k to strangers because you didn't want to hurt their feelings. Definitely pursue.

NoodlesAreYum · 12/05/2017 08:32

Should say it was his workplace pension.

SoleBizzz · 12/05/2017 08:32

My pride wouldn't let me pursue... Fuck him

viques · 12/05/2017 08:35

Put it this way, if your ex HAD done the right thing and paid support you would not now be expected to pay it BACK into his estate for the benefit of his new family. you are not taking anything that your children are not due, it is just coming via a different route.

rollonthesummer · 12/05/2017 08:36

Agree with Rollon. Please dont pursue it.

That wasn't what I said!

MsMims · 12/05/2017 08:37

Persue. It's money that was due for your children, he was just too feckless to pay up on time. You owe it to them, and sounds like the CSA will chase this so you don't have the legal hassle either.

KingIrving · 12/05/2017 08:37

Pursue.
Then spend half in the best holiday ever. Super *** all inclusive resort in an exotic location such as Maldives, Bali, ..... , then divide what is left in two to give each child at a specific moment of their life, graduation, wedding, first child, ....

You deserve it. DO NOT HESITATE.

Haffdonga · 12/05/2017 08:41

It's not your money, it's your dcs' money. You have no right not to pursue it.

(Sorry, but the way he died has no effect on how much money he owed and who to. Down the line when your dc need a house deposit, how do you think they will feel if you tell them you gave away 20k of their money because you didn't want to 'look grabby'. I'd feel pretty betrayed.)

LeninaCrowne · 12/05/2017 08:52

After his death surely all his children should benefit from his estate (if he had any money to leave) - and if he owed his DCs with you then they should get that as well.

I wouldn't go spending it all on one go on a holiday in the Maldives though.

seafoodeatit · 12/05/2017 08:53

I'm another that thinks it's money that your children are entitled to, I would put aside personal feelings and do what's right for them.

AyeAmarok · 12/05/2017 08:55

Definitely pursue.

And frankly, while the whole situation is very sad for his other children, you shouldn't really give two shits if it's stressful for his new wife. She was most likely complicit, at least to some extent, in him dodging paying maintenance for his first family, and started a family with him anyway, knowing how he was treating his first two DC.

Plus, this is a debt that you/your DC are owed. Legally. Why on earth should you be different to any other creditor? Arguably, you should be the very first in line.

givemestrengthorgin · 12/05/2017 08:55

Pursue, absolutely.

listsandbudgets · 12/05/2017 08:56

Yes go after it. It belongs to your children

DeleteOrDecay · 12/05/2017 08:56

He killed himself. Has everyone missed that?

Yes... And? Why should the dc miss out just because he killed himself?

I agree with the majority. Persue it and put it in an account for your dc to access later on. Even if you don't get anywhere at least you can tell them you tried. It's the least they deserve.

Trills · 12/05/2017 08:59

"Pursuing" is too strong a word for it. You are not chasing anything.

He owed you money. You are simply stating "yes, I would like that money that he owed me".

If he died with any other debt, the credit card company or DFS or whoever aren't going to worry about "looking grabby". They would only write off the debt if it was specifically written in the contract that they would do so.

RaspberryOverloadsOnChilli · 12/05/2017 09:00

Pursue the money and then put it away for the DCs later on. If anyone ever accuses you of being grabby, then the fact it's tucked away for the DCs counters that.

And yes, it's a sad situation for his other family, but ALL the children of this bloke need to be considered here. The OP's DCs shouldn't be left out just because it might upset the other family.

Garlicansapphire · 12/05/2017 09:02

Sorry I missed the point he had a new partner and DCs. I still think your kids deserve support as well as his new ones. But when the CSA pursue his estate wont they go for the £20K - which includes their bit and yours?