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Original poster

Ex has died, child support have written.

220 replies

SimplyPut · 12/05/2017 01:08

Not sure if this is the right location but here goes.

I left Ex when DC1&2 were under 2.5yrs. He was abusive to me, financially abusive to us all and choose to have no contact with the children from then on. He had paid a total of £472 in maintenance over a 13yr period. He frequently left jobs etc with CSA found him, arrested his wages at one point so he moved again. Of the £472, £40 was made up of £5 postal orders sent when he was unemployed from the DWP.

He recently committed suicide. Today I received a letter stating he owed over £20k in maintenance. Of which £16k is owed to me.
If I don't make contact then they will pursue his estate for their share only.

What would you do? Do I upset his family (3DC's and a partner/parents) and pursue this for the DC's or just leave it be?

OP posts:
Mermaidinthesea123 · 12/05/2017 09:03

You need tio pursue this for the sake of your children, they are entitled to the money to cover all their needs. There is absolutely no shame in this.

BluePeppers · 12/05/2017 09:10

Yes I would pursue it too.
Yes he has a new partner and 3 new dcs.
But he also had two dcs he never saw and never supported financially. They entitled to as much support as the ones he had later.

Put that money away for your dcs. It will be a nice help when they want to buy their first house :)

Oswin · 12/05/2017 09:10

Can't believe anyone would suggest not pursuing it in case it upsets his partner. Frankly how she feels is fuck all to do with the op. Get with a scumbag, be OK with him fucking his children over, expect it to come back to bite you on the arse.

MakeJam · 12/05/2017 09:15

Pursue.

Blackadderspants · 12/05/2017 09:17

100% pursue

That money is for your children, he never supported them financially in life and it is their right.

Let us know how you get on OP Flowers

LeninaCrowne · 12/05/2017 09:26

All you have to do is say yes, you don't even have to do the pursuing.

Why should some children get nothing at all?

TimeIhadaNameChange · 12/05/2017 09:29

Would be interested to know the comments this would get from the other side.

I'd not pursue. I know your children are entitled to it, but I couldn't bring myself to do it.

AnnieAnoniMouse · 12/05/2017 09:32

I agree with what Trills said, you are not pursuing it, you are simply saying 'Yes please, my children would like a pathetically small amount of the money owed to them'.

He let them down when he was alive, if there's a little bit they can get from his estate, then get it for them.

I'm sorry you & your kids are going through this. It has to be hard, even if he had no contact & was a total wanker.

BarbaraofSeville · 12/05/2017 09:35

Indeed Namechange. Imagine his current partner's situation when the CSA get involved.

'My DP killed himself a few months ago and I have been left to grieve alone with our 3 DCs. We aren't well off and our only assets are the home we shared that we owned jointly but I paid for mostly because he was a SAHD. Now the CSA want £20k to give to his ex and her DCs, who he hasn't seen in years. I don't have that sort of money, can't get a remortgage on my own and fear losing our home.'

AnnieAnoniMouse · 12/05/2017 09:35

On what basis would you fuck your children over timeforanamechange? Your pride? That's going to help them loads isn't it...it's their money, what right do you have to say 'No thanks, they don't want it?'

HildaOg · 12/05/2017 09:40

Did his estate actually have anything or would they be able to take from his wife? I wouldn't. You have a husband to help you, she is going to be struggling on her own with three young kids. I think it would be grabby and nasty tbh. Be decent, do unto others...

TimeIhadaNameChange · 12/05/2017 10:03

The way I see it, though, is if he'd paid the £16k when he should have done it would all have been spent by now anyway (if I were OP, anyway). It's only a little over an extra £1k a year, say an extra £100 a month. On the one hand it's not insignificant, but I imagine that, had OP had it at the time, it would have been used on expenses at the time rather than being saved up. I'm not saying it wouldn't have been useful then, and it would have made things easier / more fun whilst the kids were growing up, but it wouldn't be there now.

I'm just thinking about the other family. Maybe I shouldn't be, but I can't help it.

But, OP, I wouldn't judge you either way.

UrethaFranklin · 12/05/2017 10:08

I'm not sure what I would do tbh. Probably would persue if all I had to do was give the CSA the go ahead to do it on my behalf.

Is he likely to have left any money in his estate? Any money in joint accounts would go straight to his partner, as would any property they owned more than likely.

user1471134011 · 12/05/2017 10:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

WateryTart · 12/05/2017 10:15

The mother of his younger DCs may well say'My DP killed himself a few months ago and I have been left to grieve alone with our 3 DCs. We aren't well off and our only assets are the home we shared that we owned jointly but I paid for mostly because he was a SAHD. Now the CSA want £20k to give to his ex and her DCs, who he hasn't seen in years. I don't have that sort of money, can't get a remortgage on my own and fear losing our home

But, presumably she was complicit in his total lack of support for his other DCs. I can't summon up any sympathy.

Go for it, OP, it may help them through university.

reallyanotherone · 12/05/2017 10:20

What if it leaves his 3 dc destitute?

If there's nothing left after his debts, and you, are paid, what do his dc get? It doesn't sound like he's the type to have life insurance, and even if he did, would it pay out for suicide.

This worries me. If dh died, and his ex came after me for "her kids" inheritance, ie half of everything i own, me and my kids would be homeless, having to sell the house to pay their share, no income, not enough life insurance after their share is paid, etc.

I have done everything i can to ensure i am covered personally, but if they weren't a high income family, i doubt they can afford the premiums.

Having said that, i don't know what i'd do. Tbh i'd probably think the chances of £20k being left over from his estate are slim to nothing, so I'd maybe agree and deal with where the money should go if and when it materialised.

FurryLittleTwerp · 12/05/2017 10:25

If you still have any sort of decent relationship with his side of the family, surely they will see that pursuing the money is reasonable. If you don't, then what does it matter?

Garlicansapphire · 12/05/2017 10:28

I wouldn't want to be with a man who didnt support his children.

Welshmaenad · 12/05/2017 10:35

Absolutely pursue it.

TempusEedjit · 12/05/2017 10:37

I agree with watery.

reallyanotherone if your DH had enabled you to have your home by shirking his responsibilities to his first DC then you would only be losing what should never have been yours in the first place. It would be your responsibility to ensure you and your DC were already housed according to your means, not by stealing it from your DH's elder DC.

Of course if that's not the case (and I'm presuming it's not) then the exW would have no claim and you would have nothing to worry about.

Welshmaenad · 12/05/2017 10:39

Firstly, this is not an 'inheritance'. It's money he should have paid for the maintenance of his children, albeit recovered in a lump sum after his death.

Secondly, if someone dies and they have children, of course all the children should get a share of their estate. I am divorcing and if I ever cohabit or marry again I will get legal advice to ensure that if I die, my partner can remain in our home for the rest of their life, but that equally when the home is sold and assets divided, my children get their fair share.

Silverdream · 12/05/2017 10:40

I have mixed feelings about this.
Is there a wife and children left. Did he also abuse them.
If you go after the estate will that leave them in financial difficulties.
If you have moved on with your life and don't need the money I'd be inclined to not go for it in these circumstances.
If he was on his own then I would claim the money.

SemiNormal · 12/05/2017 10:46

When he was alive he was presumably still providing for those children with his new wife? If so then did the wife not consider that OP and her children may be going without food whilst her children were provided for? Her and her new children were all okay but they didn't care if OP and her children were so why the hell should OP care now that the situation may be more in her childrens favour?
Sorry but I couldn't muster up any sympathy for new wife and her situation who have been provided for all this time whilst OP has had to just get on with it with no financial support.

Pibplob · 12/05/2017 10:46

Persue. Your children deserve it and that's 8k each for their futures. Driving lessons, car, uni, wedding, house deposit. Lots of expensive things come up in the future and that will help them out a little.

Xenophile · 12/05/2017 11:08

Yes, pursue, it's not your children's fault he couldn't be arsed to pay while he was alive, it's their money, you would be letting them down if you didn't at least try and get them what they are owed.

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