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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Ex has died, child support have written.

220 replies

SimplyPut · 12/05/2017 01:08

Not sure if this is the right location but here goes.

I left Ex when DC1&2 were under 2.5yrs. He was abusive to me, financially abusive to us all and choose to have no contact with the children from then on. He had paid a total of £472 in maintenance over a 13yr period. He frequently left jobs etc with CSA found him, arrested his wages at one point so he moved again. Of the £472, £40 was made up of £5 postal orders sent when he was unemployed from the DWP.

He recently committed suicide. Today I received a letter stating he owed over £20k in maintenance. Of which £16k is owed to me.
If I don't make contact then they will pursue his estate for their share only.

What would you do? Do I upset his family (3DC's and a partner/parents) and pursue this for the DC's or just leave it be?

OP posts:
MariafromMalmo · 12/05/2017 11:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

redexpat · 12/05/2017 11:12

Pursue. Yes it is obviously a sad time for his other family but that is not your problem. Do you think for a second that they worried about your kids during all those years when he wasnt paying?

innagazing · 12/05/2017 11:13

"This worries me. If dh died, and his ex came after me for "her kids" inheritance,"
Let's be very clear, this isn't money from an inheritance-it's maintenance money that he should have paid towards the upkeep of his children. The fact that he didn't would have left the family continually worse off.
It's an unsettled debt (just like any other debt)that should now be settled from his estate.
So, pursue it.

TrinityTaylor · 12/05/2017 11:15

But why are his "new kids" more important than his "old kids"? He fathered them all.

TrinityTaylor · 12/05/2017 11:16

That was to posters who said they wouldn't do it for sake if his new family. Also presumably his new wife was aware he was dodging the csa? I'd not stand for that.

DuchessK · 12/05/2017 11:17

I think that I would definitely pursue this and think of any payment as their inheritance?

The fact that the CSA are pursuing anyhow means that you are not adding to the families distress IYSWIM. Maybe make them aware that the CSA started proceedings and not you in the event that they contact you about it.

However I doubt that you will get much/anything.

pigyoinkoinks · 12/05/2017 11:17

Without a doubt pursue!

If you split it between your children and put it into savings then that's a great investment for their future!

jojo2916 · 12/05/2017 11:22

The "old" kids are living with their mum and step dad comfortably, the "new" kids may be living far from comfortably so you could hurt 3 kids to get money for your children who you say are comfortably off, I'm not saying not to go for what you are entitled to but I would think how it would affect his other kids, not for your ex's sake purely because they are innocent children , if they are comfortable enough go for it.

TrinityTaylor · 12/05/2017 11:27

Jojo -I have to respectfully disagree, I think the fact he got away with not paying for so long is disgraceful and his wife allowed that knowingly. The csa will be pursuing anyway and I dont think OP will get very much for her kids but I think she owes it to them to try.

Lweji · 12/05/2017 11:31

It's your children's money owed by their dad.
Any business owed money wouldn't care about the family left.
Your children are more important than any business.
And his widow would have known he wasn't supporting his former family. When they planned their children they should have taken his obligations towards his children into account.

Lweji · 12/05/2017 11:32

Just adding that your children should also have rights over the remainder of his inheritance on top of what is owned to them in maintenance.

RebelAllianceUK · 12/05/2017 11:34

...inc discretionary payments to dependents payable from any life insurance policy if they are still of an age that qualifies them.

GigiBuffon · 12/05/2017 11:36

Pursue.

SemiNormal · 12/05/2017 11:57

This worries me. If dh died, and his ex came after me for "her kids" inheritance, ie half of everything i own, me and my kids would be homeless, having to sell the house to pay their share, no income, not enough life insurance after their share is paid, etc. - Do you mean THEIR kids rather than HER kids!? It would probably be best to discuss and arrange an agreement as to what would happen whilst he's still alive?
If he died first and then they got nothing, would they then get something when you died? or would you want your children to then inherit the lot? Why should the first set of children miss out on a share simply because their dad moved on?

DixieNormas · 12/05/2017 12:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CardinalCat · 12/05/2017 12:11

Pursue it.

He failed to meet his parental maintenance obligations in life, perhaps in death your children will get some of what they were due. If his family have a problem with this then they are absolute cunts.
Pursue it.

PreemptiveSalvageEngineer · 12/05/2017 12:14

Lweji is right.

Just adding that your children should also have rights over the remainder of his inheritance on top of what is owed to them in maintenance.

BluePeppers · 12/05/2017 12:18

If you have any worries re what you would be left with if your DH dies and the ex fight for the inheritance for her dcs, I would very strongly advise you to have a will drafted by a professional.

After all, the inheritance would be for HIS dcs (not the ex!!) and tbf, they should be as entitled to some inheritance than the dcs you have with him.
However, if your DH decides he doesn't want to leave them anything, then he has to make it clear. In a will.

This is NOT the case here though. Whatbthe OP is talking about is payment of DEBT that has accumulated over the years because the ex did NOT pay. It's a debt like any other and it's not because it's about his dcs with his ex that suddenly, it's a debt not worth paying.

usernamealreadytaken · 12/05/2017 13:03

Just echoing PPs really - this is not some 'inheritance' that OP is pursuing, it is a debt and any estate must pay its debts before the balance can be distributed - I am utterly amazed that anyone thinks this should be otherwise.

However, if he remained as feckless as he was when dodging the original payments, I would doubt there would be much of an estate to claim against.

If, by some miracle, there is, then once the debts are paid and there is any balance (life insurance, pension, property) then any which does not pass to his partner (not sure on the rules if they were not married and he didn't leave a will) should be divided between all of the children.

On a final technicality - although everyone seems to agree that the money belongs to the children and she should ask the CSA to pursue on their behalf; OP basically subsidised EXs payments over all the years with her/DH own money, so the recouping of the CSA payments would really technically belong to them, to pay back the extra amounts they had to find over the years. I do however feel that OP would be far more comfortable with giving the money to the children, and I think that's absolutely right but if she decided to blow it on a fabulous holiday then that wouldn't be wrong either :-)

Lweji · 12/05/2017 13:20

However, if your DH decides he doesn't want to leave them anything
He'd also be a bastard of the highest order.

I hope neither he nor his wife are contemplating it.

Lweji · 12/05/2017 13:23

if she decided to blow it on a fabulous holiday then that wouldn't be wrong either

Agree.
It's money you've already spent from your pocket to keep the children, to make up for his failure to pay.
A happy mum is also good for the children. :)

HmmOkay · 12/05/2017 13:27

Over the 13 years, this money amounts to £25.64 per week for 2 children. That he was supposed to pay and didn't.

So only £12.82 per week per child. It's a joke.

And then you have people on here arguing that the children should not have even that paltry amount. No wonder feckless fathers get away with their shameful behaviour - there is always a queue of people (men and women) telling them that it is acceptable. And that people who object to the shameful behaviour are 'grabby'.

£12.82 for God's sake.

Lunar1 · 12/05/2017 13:29

You pursue it, it's what he should have paid all along. That money should always have gone to your children, not to subsidise his next family.

Original poster
SimplyPut · 12/05/2017 13:29

I will try to answer a few of the questions that have arisen and be as factual as possible.

DC's are now 16 and 14. DH has raised them as his own along with our other DC for over 11yrs.

Ex has one more biological DC(7) and two step DC(9 and 11). They have never met my DC as they had no contact with Ex and they have no desire to at present. Both DC are very clear the relationship was 'just biology' (their words).

Ex committed suicide due to a break down in his relationship with partner due to an affair. He had left the family home. It do not believe he abused her or them. The partner was very aware of my DC and complicit in not paying maintenance.

DC's and I have no relationship with his wider family. He was estranged when we were together but I believe he was subsequently re-united.

I don't believe the money (in cash) will be there to cover the debt (4k to the CSA is to cover benefits plus interest from what I received in the immediate period following the break up. I was a SAHP but working FT within 6mths). However I do know they owed a home together. His lifestyle never resembled that of someone unable to afford child maintenance, however it could all be debt. He was not a SAHD as someone assumed.

For the person who asked would I want the money to spend on myself or things we have gone without? No. The money would be put into the DC's savings accounts.

The CSA have stated that they will pursue the monies owed to themselves regardless of my desire.

OP posts:
HmmOkay · 12/05/2017 13:47

So he only had 3 biological children in total?

But he lived with the other child and his new partner who already had 2 older children of her own?

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