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Original poster

Different attitudes to money - is dh being selfish here?

215 replies

bluebell2017 · 02/05/2017 13:23

Namechanged for this.

It is quite complicated, so I will try to keep it as short as I can.

DH is from a wealthy background. By the time he was 20, his parents had given him enough money that he was able to buy a house in the SE outright. Over the years, they have given him enough money that we have over £0.5million in investments and dh has a fairly large pension pot.

He earns about £50k, could probably earn quite a lot more but has turned down promotions over he years as he "doesn't want to play that game". Hmm... He has been in his current job for about 20 years, has hated it fro about 18 of those years, but has never looked for anything else because "he wouldn't find anything better/they're all the same".

I has a well-paid job before I had my first child, but became a sahm and have been ever since. (Eldest is 15).

Anyway, dh shocked me a few weeks ago by saying he was hoping/planning to retire later on this year, at the age of 50. He wants to fund this by using our investments.

Am I unreasonable to think that he should be using our investments to try to give our children a helping-hand in life - e.g. to help pay towards university or to pay for a deposit on a house? Dh thinks the children need to pay their own way in life and stand on their own two feet which I might ordinarily agree with - if dh hadn't been so lucky himself. To me, it doesn't seem right that dh should retire whist they are still in school, and the children not have the financial advantages dh did. Dh was simply lucky that his own father built up a very successful business from scratch, but he seems to want to ensure that he is the primary beneficiary of his father's efforts.

Then again, the money belongs to dh and dh's parents. Maybe I am being unreasonable telling dh how he should spend it and I shouldn't resent him retiring early given that I have been a sahm for 16 years?

I am totally dreading him being at home full-time which is also probably affecting my thoughts and feelings about this. But that is a whole new thread.

I would be very grateful for anyone's thoughts and/or advice about all of this. Thanks.

OP posts:
2014newme · 02/05/2017 13:29

Yabu.
He wants to retire with his significant investment and pension fund. Nothing wrong with that, many people would do the same if they could!
I do think you are out of order questioning his career ambition when you haven't worked yourself for 16 years! If you are dreading him being at home that's a relationship issue. You could do volunteer work or get a job yourself if you want to spend more time outside the home.
Life's too short to spend years at work that you don't need to, you obviously think so and now dh wants to join you. It sounds lovely to me!

Jayfee · 02/05/2017 13:31

I agree with you. He should want to help your children imo

Happybunny19 · 02/05/2017 13:34

Yabu, it's his inheritance that's enabled you to stay at home for 16 years. If you're dreading him being home you could take the opportunity to go back to work and put some money aside for your children.

JaxingJump · 02/05/2017 13:35

I'd be pretty unimpressed. I'd be like you and would definitely 'inconvenience' myself by working in a medium level job for the sake of my family. Unless there are serious mental health related issues relating to his work?

Honestly he sounds lazy and selfish.

chipsandpeas · 02/05/2017 13:36

But surely his lack of ambition in your eyes is down to

chipsandpeas · 02/05/2017 13:37

Sorry posted too soon
My point is he was handed money and hasn't done much with his career etc so he doesn't want the kids to be the same

2014newme · 02/05/2017 13:37

So the dh is lazy but the op sat at home for 16 years enjoying the fruits of her dhs labour and she isn't lazy🙄
Double standards

JaxingJump · 02/05/2017 13:40

Oh yes, I do agree that you also need to get back to work, but luckily you (both) have the luxury of the investments etc so as not to have to do anything backbreaking or miserably stressful.

Ultimately I'm responding to your OP based on what would I do. In reality I would never criticise people making the choice of an easier life as long as it's not on the back of someone else or causing suffering to someone else.

MysweetAudrina · 02/05/2017 13:41

But he has been working all these years and provided for his family. Most people would love to be able to retire at 50. It's not just him that will be living of the money you will be too. Could you retrain and go back to work and try to earn some money for your children if that's what you think is important. Would he have an issue covering your work so you could work outside the home?

c3pu · 02/05/2017 13:44

If he can retire, and he wants to do so, then I really don't see the problem. It's not like the kids are going to be destitute because of this decision?

Perhaps if he is going to retire, now would be a fantastic opportunity for you to return to work?

FrenchMartiniTime · 02/05/2017 13:44

So you were quite happy to sit at home living off your husband but now he wants to retire and enjoy his own money he is being unreasonable?

There is no difference between him being handed money and you to be fair.

Maybe you should go get a job and start contributing to your child future?

Allthebestnamesareused · 02/05/2017 13:49

I am going to go against the grain and agree with the OP.

Have you had the conversation with him about why he wouldn't want to do his best for his kids in the same way that his parents have done for him.

I do agree that it was up to his parents if they wanted to do that and also up to him (but surely with agreement from his wife the OP) if he doesn't want to do that for his kids.

By virtue of the fact that she is a SAHM it has allowed him to work while she cared for the family. In a divorce situation her sacrificing her career (even by choice) this would be taken into account by the courts. Frankly, she'd be better off divorcing him taking him for at least half of the family assets and providing for her kids in the way she'd like to.

They are family assets and family money. Ny family I mean OP, her DH and their kids. It should be a joint decision made between OP and her DH.

(Personally 50 is way to young to retire - what does he plan to do with himself? from the sounds of it it doesn't sound like he'll be off doing voluntary work etc)

ArialAnna · 02/05/2017 13:49

Yabu

If you want to provide more money for the kids future why not go back to work yourself? Means you'd also avoid both being at home full time, so two birds with one stone!

yetmorecrap · 02/05/2017 13:50

I partly agree with you and partly don't. I think he is way too young , maybe another 7 years and I would see his point, I don't think this should all be earmarked for kids, I have helped my son with paying for driving lessons , buying his first (oldish) car and paid deposit and first months rent on his house share , make it too easy and many don't have any 'drive'

HmmOkay · 02/05/2017 13:50

I think he should retire if he wishes to.

And then you go back to work when he does retire. Which means that he has to commit to doing the majority of the childcare and housework. Might not be the laid-back retirement that he had envisaged.

I think the fact that they are still in school is an opportunity for him to spend time with them now. If he waits 10 years they will be out of the house.

Changedname3456 · 02/05/2017 13:53

YABU. Use his retirement to springboard yourself into retraining and a career / self employment of your own if that's what you want to do.

But, notwithstanding that being a sahm is not "not working," if you're not going to go out to paid work I don't think you have any sort of moral high ground here.

It's not like he's blown the lot on fast cars - he's invested well and now he's got the opportunity to enjoy that (exactly as his parents intended).

HmmOkay · 02/05/2017 13:56

What might be even better is for both of you to work outside the home but with reduced hours.

So see if you can get a 3 day a week job and he can get a 3 day a week job (different days so the majority of childcare is covered). Easier said than done I know but if you both want it to work then that's half the battle. And then you could transition to full time later on if you wish to.

Fishface77 · 02/05/2017 13:57

I'm surprised at al the pp saying it's enabled you to stay at home.
I presume you've reared your children and ran your home and contributed to the family set up that way?
Could it be now the hardest years of children's grunt work is done he now sees an easier life at home?
If he's hated his job for 18 out of 20 years, who didn't he look for a new one?
How old are the DC?
Is there a back story?

2014newme · 02/05/2017 13:57

Presumably the large pension pot plus future gifts or inheritance from his parents would be enough to "help the children".

aginghippy · 02/05/2017 14:00

He is not BU for wanting to retire. He is BU for not discussing his plans with you at all.

Helping your children financially is a good thing to do with your money. DH taking early retirement from a job he hates would also be a good thing.

As pp said, they are family assets and family money, regardless of the source. You need to sit down together and agree a way forward.

GnatsChuff · 02/05/2017 14:07

How about you both find part time jobs? You have had 15 years at home. It is not unreasonable for him to want to wind down while still young enough to enjoy retirement particularly if he has hated his job for years, but stuck at it to enable you to be at home. But I think he might find himself bored quite quickly if he stops completely.

If either of you are selfish, I would say it is you on the basis that you have been happy to take the benefit of his parent's wealth while it suited you, but don't want him to do the same.

Original poster
bluebell2017 · 02/05/2017 14:07

Wrote a reply to one of the earlier answers, but the internet cut out, but here it is:

I can see where you are coming from, especially with regard to my being a sahm. This can be a bit of a problem with trying to distill a many-faceted problem or dilemma problem into a few paragraphs - there is usually a bit more to it.

If it makes any difference, I gave up work because it was what we both wanted at the time, even though I earned more money than dh at the time. I offered to be the breadwinner so dh could be a sahd, but he didn't (and doesn't) enjoy spending time with the children. I would have liked to return to work years ago, but dh has always been against that idea as it would basically mean he would no longer be able to do as he pleases when he is not at work. When he isn't at work, he is usually out doing his (expensive) hobby - anything from 4-6 nights per week, plus half a day each on Saturday and Sunday. We live in the middle of nowhere even though the children and I would love to move house, because dh "loves the countryside".

Yes, we absolutely have problems within our relationship.

But what I really wanted to get some perspective on is whether or not is okay for me to discuss with him how to spend his early inheritance, if we can call it that. I think it should be used to benefit all the family, not just dh. For example, dd1 wants to be a doctor, but is worried sick about paying for medical school for 5-6 years. Dh basically thinks that is her problem and she should just take a loan out. To me that is a jaw-dropping attitude from someone who has had perhaps over a £1million handed over to him over the years. I am interested to learn that many people do seem to take my husband's part, and it is definitely something I will have to think some more about.

The other thing I should point out is that I do not feel I really benefit from this money other then having a mortgage-free home. I certainly don't live a life of luxury. No-one who knows me would imagine how much money we have stashed away - I have two pairs of jeans, for example. I wear one pair whilst the other is in the wash. Oh, and I have two skirts - one for summer, one for winter. And a dress for "best" which is 6-7 years old. I feel embarrassed by my shabbiness.

OP posts:
MovingtoParadise · 02/05/2017 14:11

If you don't have any control over this money then you're being financially abused!

Divorce him. Take half. Fund your daughter through uni, help your children.

Your dh is a financially abusive, entitled, lazy arsehole.

expatinscotland · 02/05/2017 14:12

'The other thing I should point out is that I do not feel I really benefit from this money other then having a mortgage-free home.'

Eh? You have a mortgage-free home and haven't had to work outside the home for 16 years but feel hard done by because you don't have many clothes? Then go and get a JOB! YABVU.

2014newme · 02/05/2017 14:12

You and your husband need to communicate better. Perhaps counselling would help.
You should have equal access to family money but play an equal role in earning it.
If your dh doesn't give you access to money to the extent you can't buy clothes that's abusive.
Your issue about tour dhs retirement I don't think is valid but you have other big issues relating money, communication etc