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Original poster

Different attitudes to money - is dh being selfish here?

215 replies

bluebell2017 · 02/05/2017 13:23

Namechanged for this.

It is quite complicated, so I will try to keep it as short as I can.

DH is from a wealthy background. By the time he was 20, his parents had given him enough money that he was able to buy a house in the SE outright. Over the years, they have given him enough money that we have over £0.5million in investments and dh has a fairly large pension pot.

He earns about £50k, could probably earn quite a lot more but has turned down promotions over he years as he "doesn't want to play that game". Hmm... He has been in his current job for about 20 years, has hated it fro about 18 of those years, but has never looked for anything else because "he wouldn't find anything better/they're all the same".

I has a well-paid job before I had my first child, but became a sahm and have been ever since. (Eldest is 15).

Anyway, dh shocked me a few weeks ago by saying he was hoping/planning to retire later on this year, at the age of 50. He wants to fund this by using our investments.

Am I unreasonable to think that he should be using our investments to try to give our children a helping-hand in life - e.g. to help pay towards university or to pay for a deposit on a house? Dh thinks the children need to pay their own way in life and stand on their own two feet which I might ordinarily agree with - if dh hadn't been so lucky himself. To me, it doesn't seem right that dh should retire whist they are still in school, and the children not have the financial advantages dh did. Dh was simply lucky that his own father built up a very successful business from scratch, but he seems to want to ensure that he is the primary beneficiary of his father's efforts.

Then again, the money belongs to dh and dh's parents. Maybe I am being unreasonable telling dh how he should spend it and I shouldn't resent him retiring early given that I have been a sahm for 16 years?

I am totally dreading him being at home full-time which is also probably affecting my thoughts and feelings about this. But that is a whole new thread.

I would be very grateful for anyone's thoughts and/or advice about all of this. Thanks.

OP posts:
LostPeppers · 02/05/2017 19:30

Tbh I would have an issue with that sort of attitude. Very selfish IMO.
So he is good enough for his parents to help him A LOT but somehow his dcs aren't worth the help Hmm

Fwiw, my parents couod help me too. Not that much but they have done a hell of a lot for us.
They will also leave quite a bit to me (and have planned to leave some to the dcs too)

In my eyes, that money is something to be looking after so it can help us but there is still something left to help the dcs/be some inheritance for them. Isn't that how it works? That you do yur best to help your dcs to start in life rather than leaving them to struggle?

Having said that, I think you know very well that your marriage is coming to an end, for a lot of other reasons.
Is there any ways that you can start working again? Clearly you will be left with quite a bit BUT working will help you find your self esteem again.
Good luck Flowers

ifeelcraptonight · 02/05/2017 19:30

She still had a choice.

I lived with a man who didn't want me to work. He was (unless there is actual physical abuse) worse than the OP husband.

Even a choice made with emotional blackmail - she made the choice. I made a choice to stay and not work until I reached my line in the sand event - I own my own shit and own my own part in staying at home and not going to work and not doing other things for fear of rocking the boat.

It is still a choice I made, as the OP has made.

That's not nasty to say that - it's the truth.

SvartePetter · 02/05/2017 19:57

Op, who makes you being frugal, you or him? What would happen if you spent 1.5k on a holiday for yourself?

To be frank, if I had the assets you have, then I would also retire pronto, and I would expect to get able to support a couple if children through university with no problem. What makes you think you are not able to do this?

Also, if this is how your husband is after having been given money on a plate, is that what you want for your children?

Sounds to me like you don't want him home. Maybe start talking about all the chores he will take over when he retires? School runs, ferrying to activities, laundry, etc...

HelenaDove · 02/05/2017 20:08

ifeelcrap there was a post by an MNer called emilybrontescorset on another thread where she said she went back to work full time and came home after 5.30pm to find two toddlers still in their pyjamas who hadnt been fed. Men like this are controlling.

Are there any employers reading this thread? How many would give the OP a job if she rocked up to the interview in jeans or an old worn skirt?

ifeelcraptonight · 02/05/2017 20:11

I came home after a day out with my cousin to find he hadn't made potatos with the mince carrot and onions because I hadn't left potatos peeled.

I get that. But she's still making a choice.

To do anything else might be a harder choice a more difficult choice so she is choosing to stay as is. But that is still a choice.

Whatever way, I hope you get sorted op and you find your own path

Naicehamshop · 02/05/2017 20:11

Shame your bad experiences didn't teach you a little more empathy and understanding for other women in similar situations, Ifeelcrap.

ifeelcraptonight · 02/05/2017 20:12

It's not lacking empathy to point out she has a choice and is making the choice to stay and has made the choice to stay.

tribpot · 02/05/2017 20:14

Surely the prospect of him retiring and you having to spend all day with him every day is enough to motivate you to re-examine this relationship? I guess perhaps you will be left alone in the middle of nowhere whilst he devotes all of his time to his own hobbies and pastimes, but what kind of life is that?

You seem to be kept extremely short of money. How is that being achieved?

HelenaDove · 02/05/2017 20:18

YY NaiceHam

Naicehamshop · 02/05/2017 20:19

It is lacking empathy because you are taking no account of how much he has destroyed her confidence, emotionally abused and bullied her over the years Ifeel
.
To say that you were emotionally abused but still managed to deal with it is meaningless and unhelpful. Maybe her dh is even worse than yours; maybe you had more help and support; maybe you are an all round superior being who has managed her life much more successfully than the op...Hmm Just think how much more helpful it would be if posters didn't come on here to put other women down and engage in some nasty point scoring.

ifeelcraptonight · 02/05/2017 20:20

Maybe. But it was someone who pointed out to me that I had agency in this and could change it and that I was making a choice in being passive and going along with the status quo that gave me the guts to change it.

She has the ability to change this, if she decides to. It's not all down to him - she has access to money, she could have got a job, she choose (for whatever reason) not to.

Whatever, anyway, good luck OP I hope you find a route through that works for you and your family.

HelenaDove · 02/05/2017 20:29

If she has access to money why does she have so little clothing.

SandyY2K · 02/05/2017 21:12

OP,

The very reason you've stayed (your children) should be your motivation to leave.

What you're children are going through... A poor relationship with their dad and treading around him, will be why they end up needing counselling in later life and it will affect their own adult relationships.

As you can see yourself, your upbringing and your mother's choice of awful men post divorce, is and has affected your decision to stay with your husband, thus having a negative effect on your DC.

I do understand that was never your intention though.

They will be a product of what they have witnessed and began to believe that yours is how a marriage is meant to be.

I really do wonder why men like this bother getting married and having children, if they can't be bothered to spend time with them.

I know (similar to serial cheaters), that they like the status of being a married family man. It gives them a certain respect in society and but

I think putting a plan in action, that involves getting an account in your sole name and putting some money (enough for about 6 months rent) there in readiness would be wise.

Seek legal advice and plan smartly.

He's the one who likes living in the country

MaybeDoctor · 02/05/2017 21:21

What do his parents say? A lot might be discovered by looking at the model he has followed.

On the other hand, you might not want to explore it and just make amends by organising your future life in a better way.

If you control the money, what has stopped you from spending more of it?

I think it might be useful for you to search some of the farming and inheritance threads on Mumsnet. Your post is quite reminiscent of some of the issues on those threads - big assets that carry a lot of weight/responsibility and result in intergenerational tension.

Original poster
bluebell2017 · 02/05/2017 21:36

Thanks to those who have responded.

I guess technically I have access to the money - joint account, credit card etc. But I am basically very anxious about spending any money other than groceries, petrol etc because of the sulks that follow if dh thinks it was unnecessary or extravagant. I know it doesn't sound much, put like that, it is just awful black moods and virtual silence that leaves everyone in the house on edge for as long as it lasts. The "sulks" from last from a couple of days to a week, normally followed by a "neutral" period where dh is still quiet but a bit more pleasant to be with. He isn't often in an actual good mood, but he is sometimes. That is when he might take the family out for a meal, something like that. Anyway, the sulks are bad enough that I usually bend over backwards to try to avoid setting him off - probably not a good strategy, looking back.

Funnily enough, he doesn't mind too much when I buy things for the children, it's just when I get things for myself or for "the house" that he can get a bit "sulky". New kettle because the old one has packed in completely - no problem. If there isn't a clear cut need, though, I feel I am skating on thin ice.

I wouldn't just help myself to any of his money because I would feel as if I was stealing.

OP posts:
Joysmum · 02/05/2017 21:37

2 things come to mind here:

Disparity of money
Disparity of power.

Naicehamshop · 02/05/2017 21:40

This is no way to live OP. Sad

Bite the bullet, see a solicitor and start making plans to move on.

Original poster
bluebell2017 · 02/05/2017 21:44

Dh's parents wouldn't dream of telling him what to spend his money on. Although they did say, when they gave him a large cheque a few years ago that is was "for the family". I don't have a close relationship with them because they are very formal and old-fashioned in many ways. Sometimes, though, I think they try to drop hints to him, such as: "Are you going to move house soon? It can't be very good for Bluebell, living there". But dh never picks up on a hint, sadly.

OP posts:
museumum · 02/05/2017 21:54

Wow, there's so much wrong I can't even start to cover it.

But on the original question, I don't really believe in any duty to leave an inheritance or "the family home" to children. My parents sold our home for a flat with concierge and are having a great time travelling Europe and what's left will go for care in their end years. I will probably do the same.

BUT they saw me through uni first and would have my siblings if they'd wanted to. And I will see my dc through whatever higher education they choose.
Then I'll spend all my remaining money on a life of leisure Grin.

Your family assets will mean the government will expect you to support your dd through medical school as she will not be eligible for the same level of loans as a child from less wealthy parents.

Dowser · 02/05/2017 21:57

What's wrong with the house bluebell?
Is it as dilapidated as your wardrobe?

SandyY2K · 02/05/2017 22:06

But don't you go out places and need to buy nice clothes to wear? Clothes for holidays and things like that?

Do you ever go to the hairdressers? For massage etc

It sounds really depressing and lonely. Do you have any friends there where you live?

What you don't want to do is stay till the DC all leave home, then you realise he really is impossible to live with. By then you'll be older and feel it might be too late to start over.

Your husband has his 6 day a week hobby and you'll be bored stiff without the DC at home and no job.

Now, you're still young enough to explore options and live a more fulfilling life.

SandyY2K · 02/05/2017 22:10

And it's not that he doesn't get the hint. He does. He just doesn't care whether it's good for you to be isolated or not.

In fact, as go as far as to say he prefers it this way. No job for you, out in the country.... That's exactly how he likes it.

babyinarms · 02/05/2017 22:26

I'm not sure why SAHM get such a tough time on mn. I was one for a few years and in rl never got this backlash. I actually got more backlash when I was a first time mum working full time! It seems your screwed if you do and screwed if u don't !
Op, u sound very miserable. He sounds controling. Not sure what to advise . But I hope some of the pps have given you some food for thought .

Joysmum · 02/05/2017 22:36

I'm not sure why SAHM get such a tough time on mn. I was one for a few years and in rl never got this backlash

I've only ever been judged negatively by women. Never met this attitude from men.

educationforlife · 02/05/2017 22:40

Going to take a guess that your post is not about inheritance at all and suggest you read
this