Different attitudes to money - is dh being selfish here?

[bluebell2017]

Namechanged for this.

It is quite complicated, so I will try to keep it as short as I can.

DH is from a wealthy background. By the time he was 20, his parents had given him enough money that he was able to buy a house in the SE outright. Over the years, they have given him enough money that we have over £0.5million in investments and dh has a fairly large pension pot.

He earns about £50k, could probably earn quite a lot more but has turned down promotions over he years as he "doesn't want to play that game". Hmm... He has been in his current job for about 20 years, has hated it fro about 18 of those years, but has never looked for anything else because "he wouldn't find anything better/they're all the same".

I has a well-paid job before I had my first child, but became a sahm and have been ever since. (Eldest is 15).

Anyway, dh shocked me a few weeks ago by saying he was hoping/planning to retire later on this year, at the age of 50. He wants to fund this by using our investments.

Am I unreasonable to think that he should be using our investments to try to give our children a helping-hand in life - e.g. to help pay towards university or to pay for a deposit on a house? Dh thinks the children need to pay their own way in life and stand on their own two feet which I might ordinarily agree with - if dh hadn't been so lucky himself. To me, it doesn't seem right that dh should retire whist they are still in school, and the children not have the financial advantages dh did. Dh was simply lucky that his own father built up a very successful business from scratch, but he seems to want to ensure that he is the primary beneficiary of his father's efforts.

Then again, the money belongs to dh and dh's parents. Maybe I am being unreasonable telling dh how he should spend it and I shouldn't resent him retiring early given that I have been a sahm for 16 years?

I am totally dreading him being at home full-time which is also probably affecting my thoughts and feelings about this. But that is a whole new thread.

I would be very grateful for anyone's thoughts and/or advice about all of this. Thanks.

I agree, women can be very tough on each other !

if you divorce you will get a lot of money you can then spend on the kids future instead of watching it be frittered away. a thought.

Exactly what Sandy said.

This will probably get worse rather than better as you get older, and it will get harder and harder to leave.

It looks as he cannot wait for the days when he can finally starts spending the money on himself. Everyone else should fuck off. Wonder if he would spend money on his parents. I doubt it. He is such unattractive father and a husband.

He sounds narcissistic.In this day and age it is very difficult for children to make it on your own -a little help wouldn't go amiss.He needs to discuss his plans with you ,so you can plan a strategy that works for all of you

I've been with my partner for 3 years and we have a 7 month old baby.

His family recently gave him £20,000 and he considers it half mine. He earns £8.50/hour yet he puts £200/month into a savings account for me (£200 is the monthly ISA limit), on top of giving me full access to the account where the money is, including a physical card. I used it to buy my mother a £600 gift recently and it was no big deal, and he doesn't even like my mum. We are working on adding to our pot together so we can buy our first house.

I see so many people excuse financial abuse because the money only "belongs" to one spouse. Why would you marry someone if you don't want to love and cherish them? If I had a net worth of £1million or whatever it was my spouse would be spoilt rotten. Children are different because you want them to value money, but I can't fathom not letting my partner have whatever they want if we had that level of disposable income!

Good partners are out there, please don't spend another 30+ years with a man who is happy to fund a £thousands/year hobby but will sulk if you buy a third skirt.

I felt compelled to respond OP. Mrs and I have been married for 18 years and are in a similar position to you. My parents gifted me enough money in the past for us to own our house and build up a significant sum in investments.

In My wife's mind she does feel likes it's 'not my (her) money', but that's not the way I view it. We both realise we're very lucky to have family money that we use to give us our lifestyle, and allows her to be a sahm looking after our children, and allowed me in the past to make a career change from something I wasn't enjoying to something I love (not all 'work' is the same in my view).

In terms of our finances, my salary is paid into a joint bank account and after bills and savings money allocated we pay ourselves an allowance each of the same amount to spend on ourselves eating out, clothes for us and he kids, activities etc. I can't see a fairer way to do it.

I have a sibling in a similar situation and neither one of us have turned out not driven from not having a mortgage. We aren't planning a retirement to last 50 years (wtf would you spend your time doing???), and my aim is to hopefully do the same thing for our kids.

Please ignore the disgusting anti SAHM posts.

I understand that the current situation is the result of years of history, not a sudden whim to be stranded penniless in the middle of nowhere tied to an abusive arse.

Let his attitude to your DD's dream to be a doctor be the turning point. Divorce him. Move. Buy as many unnecessary things as you damn well please. Help your DC. Buy an entire new wardrobe. You're an adult woman not Cinder-bloody-Ella!

As someone now free from my ex abusive arse I can guarantee you'll feel a million times better.

I've only ever been judged negatively by women. Never met this attitude from men.

Could be because a fair few men (like the OP's DH) prefer a SAHM, allowing them nights out and not contributing to the
children's lives.

The number of times I've seen men encourage their wives to stay at home, only for them to later become resentful at being the only earner or leaving for an OW.

It's all well and good saying you'll get half, but again a lot of men have kept so much financial control that the wife doesn't have a clue how much money or assets he has.

I personally would never leave my entire financial security in the hands of another person. I feel it's being too dependent on another human being.

I feel it's going from having my parents support me as a child, to having my husband support me as an adult.

I did take about a year off for each child. Maternity leave and a bit more, but I couldn't do it permanently. Some people do it till all DC are in school, because of the cost of childcare. That makes sense.

Being a lifetime SAHM, is a different situation altogether.

I think it's very much a personal choice as to whether you decide to stay at home, but again I want to show my daughters that a woman isn't just a mum and a wife.

When I'm encouraging them to go to university, they could very well wonder what the point is, if they end up being a SAHM like me.

You don't need a degree for that.

Considering the number of marriages that end in divorce, it makes sense to be able to support yourself and not be forced to get a minimum wage job, that is very hard work, but very little financial reward.

It's his money after all. It enabled you a decent lifestyle. it will never be possible for me to not work because I am the main breadwinner in my relationship just to put things into perspective for someone who had what is in my mind the luxury to stay at home.

It's so pointless when people say, "Get a job" or worse, "Why didn't you have a job?"

If you have been out of the job market for many years - and, as the OP does, live in a rural-ish location - you are just not going to walk into a well-paid job. Sure, you can get care work, but lowest rung care work is certainly not going to rake in enough to support a family.

I understand in a way the frugality of OP. I have full access (actually, a lot of sole access!) to our money, but dh is extremely extravagant (his parents were the epitome of mean) and so I feel I have to counter balance this all the time. It's not fair, but if I spent money like dh then we'd be in trouble. It's a row that has been rumbling on for 20 years now...

It's not his money, it's family money. That's what happens in a marriage.

I do not think OP has a 'decent' lifestyle, stuck in an isolated area in a house she doesn't want to live in. It is not a 'luxury' for OP to be in an abusive relationship where she walks on eggshells and is afraid to do normal, adult things because of her husband's behaviour towards her and their children.

It's his money after all
Wow - no wonder SAHM get such bad press with attitudes like that.
Do you think she hasn't contributed at all?
She just sits around all day doing fuck all except spending 'his' money.
Feck-off!!!!

Personally I'd divorce him, take the half that's mine and my kids and go and leave happy lives with them and use my share to help the children and leave that stingy bastard to do as he pleases.

Perhaps he sees it as your turn to bring in some money

Perhaps he sees it as your turn to bring in some money

Unlikely as OP is very clear he doesn't want her to work...

I think the first step is to grow a back bone and ignore the sulks. You are not stealing if you spend money on yourself - it is family money.

Stop walking on eggshells and start living properly. The results will show you whether to leave or stay. But don't keep tiptoeing round him because he might sulk.

Divorce. Split the assets. Move house. Get a job so you can regain some independence when your DC have gone to uni. Enjoy the time you spend with them, and let them decide fur themselves on their relationship with their father.

You're dreading his early retirement- spending more time together. He's selfish enough not to see that he's denying his own DC the advantages he had when younger- the things that have him choices in life. Do you want to grow old with him? I wouldn't.

ignore the sulks

^^ I agree with this. If he wants to sulk like a petulant child, then let him.

I'd take myself to another part of the house and ignore him.

I see in your H a man who lacks ambition or drive, because to moan about a job for 18 years, yet do nothing to change it is ridiculous.

Perhaps knowing he has all the wealth handed down made him this way.

I can't wrap my head around him thinking that all jobs are the same. It's like saying all marriages are the same.

Apart from his financial contribution (which I don't discount), it seems to me that you've raised your DC single handedly.

From a child's POV they won't really remember him for that.

I recall a wedding I went to and the groom made a speech, as they do. He thanked his mum for the love, guidance, the support through university, the nurturing and unlimited sacrifices she made for him and his siblings.

Then he thanked his dad...For keeping a roof over his head and providing food

It went deadly silent for a moment.

To any man who thinks their fatherly role is just to provide financially ... Think again.

Comments that the OP is somehow lazy for being a SAHM and has enjoyed living off her DH are ridiculous! Presumably they made a joint decision to have children and she has set aside a high-paying career to look after THEIR children, therefore saving the family a not inconsiderable amount of money. I'm not a SAHM but I can't imagine it's a walk in the park.

OP I would be unhappy at your DH's refusal to do what any reasonable parent would do in helping their children however they can. If he can retire but also set aside something for the kids then fine. But retiring at the expense of that - nah.

I'd go down the line if saying it's important to you that your children get the same opportunities and advantages he did, as it's allowed your family the flexibility for you to be at home, and him to not be ambitious in his work.

Therefore unless he is prepared to put some of your joint savings into investing in the kids you'll be retraining and going back to work to fund it yourself.

TBH given his attitude I'd be looking to be self sufficient and find myself anyway.

Thanks for all the thoughtful contributions. I have felt quite tearful reading some of them. I am considering divorce and have been for a few months now. Sadly, for dh, I don't think he has a clue that this is what is on my mind. He seems somehow incapable of seeing things from anyone else's point of view. I know that sounds like a criticism of him, but it isn't meant that way. It is simply how he seems to be. He is reasonably happy so why would I not be?

To answer a couple of questions: the house we live in is fine in itself. There are various things I wouldn't mind changing, but the big problem (for me) is its isolated location. I have to leave hone at 7.20am every morning to get all of the children off to school as they all have long commutes and there is no suitable public transport available. (Dh is usually still in bed at this point). The youngest one spends hours a day in the car as they are the last dropped off in the morning and the first picked up at night. It is usually after 5pm by the time all the children are home. Which, I know is not terrible, but it isn't great either. It is difficult for them to have friends around, especially the oldest one because everyone seems so far away. The school run alone takes up around 4 hours of my day.

I feel constant guilt about not working, even though dh has repeatedly dissuaded me from looking for a job - and that is assuming I could find anything to fit in with looking after the children. I am up before 6 every day, making dh's packed lunch because he doesn't like the food in the work canteen and doesn't like shop-bought sandwiches. Then I give the dogs a quick walk, get the children up and ready and breakfasted and take them to school - usually whilst he is still sleeping. He then cooks himself smoked salmon and eggs (I'm not kidding!) once we have left.

You've bent over backwards for him.

He's never compromised on anything for you.

Why stay and live all your life this way? You will get enough money in the divorce to start again comfortably.

There's no affection towards him in your posts - and no sense that he'd change to save your marriage- so your DC will be happier with a happier mother, surely?

What on earth! This guy is an absolute dick!

Why is he so against you working? Is it because he wants no responsibility for the DC's or house?

If you did divorce him you could get you and the DC's a nice house that is closer to schools and not so isolated which would enable them to maybe get themselves there and back, which would give you more time to potentially be able to fit work into if that's what you wanted to do.