Different attitudes to money - is dh being selfish here?

[bluebell2017]

Namechanged for this.

It is quite complicated, so I will try to keep it as short as I can.

DH is from a wealthy background. By the time he was 20, his parents had given him enough money that he was able to buy a house in the SE outright. Over the years, they have given him enough money that we have over £0.5million in investments and dh has a fairly large pension pot.

He earns about £50k, could probably earn quite a lot more but has turned down promotions over he years as he "doesn't want to play that game". Hmm... He has been in his current job for about 20 years, has hated it fro about 18 of those years, but has never looked for anything else because "he wouldn't find anything better/they're all the same".

I has a well-paid job before I had my first child, but became a sahm and have been ever since. (Eldest is 15).

Anyway, dh shocked me a few weeks ago by saying he was hoping/planning to retire later on this year, at the age of 50. He wants to fund this by using our investments.

Am I unreasonable to think that he should be using our investments to try to give our children a helping-hand in life - e.g. to help pay towards university or to pay for a deposit on a house? Dh thinks the children need to pay their own way in life and stand on their own two feet which I might ordinarily agree with - if dh hadn't been so lucky himself. To me, it doesn't seem right that dh should retire whist they are still in school, and the children not have the financial advantages dh did. Dh was simply lucky that his own father built up a very successful business from scratch, but he seems to want to ensure that he is the primary beneficiary of his father's efforts.

Then again, the money belongs to dh and dh's parents. Maybe I am being unreasonable telling dh how he should spend it and I shouldn't resent him retiring early given that I have been a sahm for 16 years?

I am totally dreading him being at home full-time which is also probably affecting my thoughts and feelings about this. But that is a whole new thread.

I would be very grateful for anyone's thoughts and/or advice about all of this. Thanks.

As with all MN threads we only hear one side of it so its difficult to form a coherent view....

Aside from all the money stuff which I'm not going to engage with (except to wonder why this hasn't been discussed over all these years so why now?), it struck me that he wants to retire after 20 years in a job he hasn't enjoyed for at least 18 years of it and you are not happy with that. I think that in itself is unfair - after you have lived the life you wanted(?) and his earnings enabled as a SAHP for all that time. You could have worked as domestic help could clearly have been financed and presumably childcare has not been an issue for some time. So now you don't want to spend more time with him if/when he retires and that has now concentrated your mind. You can leave on that basis. I think the inheritance thing is probably a red herring but you want a bunch of internet strangers to tell you that you are doing the right thing.

What does He encourages us to keep fit really mean?

You must see that The children pretty much hate their dad because of his moods and selfishness. They stay in their rooms as far as possible whenever he is at home. is not providing your children with the childhood they deserve. Esp if their dad is going to be at home more.

I think that in itself is unfair - after you have lived the life you wanted(?) and his earnings enabled as a SAHP for all that time. You could have worked as domestic help could clearly have been financed and presumably childcare has not been an issue for some time.

You missed OP saying she wanted to go back to work and he didn't approve, then?

So the OP didn't work solely due to lacking her DH approval? Well he's not going to approve of what she's currently planning is he! Seriously I can't accept that is the only reason she hasn't had a job all these years.

He prefers me to be at home.

Why have you allowed him to dictate whether or not you work? You don't need his permission, OP. If you want to work, get a job and tell him to fuck off. It's that simple.

The abuse alarm bells are ringing quite loudly in my head on your behalf. Have you considered leaving him?

Neither of us have any idea if that's the only reason OP didn't work ocelot (and as she hasn't clarified the age of the youngest you're only speculating about childcare needs also). However, the fact that she wanted to go back to work shows it was wrong to suggest they've all presumably been living the lives they wanted. She evidently hasn't.

You missed OP saying she wanted to go back to work and he didn't approve, then?

Husbands don't need to "approve" . That's not how marriages work. She is an adult and can make her own decisions. She chose not to go to work, that was it, her decision. He is not her boss. He does not give permission, if she wished to work she could have. She personally chose not to.

As the previous poster said I also suspect the real issue is he will now be home all day with her. It's clear it's fairly awful when he is home but she's not going to do anything to help her children further but continue to put him first whilst complaining about him and absolving herself of blame and responsibility for her part in it.

Where did you get the information saying she'd have been able to work if she wanted to? There's nothing in her posts to indicate whether that would be the case: whether childcare would have been needed, whether there's any locally or he'd have had to step up, whether she could have earned enough to pay for it herself or would have had to rely on him to cover some of the costs.

These are all things you'd need to know before deciding OP could have worked if she wanted to.

Well she said many times she wanted to work and raised the subject and he dissauded her, as such I assume that means she could have. as the kids are at school even if he refused she would only need morning and after school care, someone to pick up and drop off the kids max if no school bus so perfectly doable. Plus they are at an age onenis now considering uni. She could have worked but said she felt he didn't want her to as he didn't wish to be involved in child care. Many people are single parents and fully able to work. She chose not to work.

I think OP has got so used to using the language of appeasement that it is not that obvious what 'he prefers me to stay at home' actually translates to in real terms. It's the kind of neutral statement you make to friends who ask whether you're thinking about going back to work.

The reality is that she would have to manage every single aspect of children and the house, from the middle of nowhere, in addition to a job. On top of that, this is how he behaves when she displeases him:

I have become very passive, walking on eggshells all the time. Frankly, I have been scared to raise the whole issue of the money/retirement with dh. He doesn't lose his temper, he just sulks, maybe for days on end. The atmosphere on the house can be absolutely awful when he is like that.

I have put up with sh*t from my dh for years, always bending over backwards to keep him happy because I didn't want to rock the boat, telling myself that the children need a stable family home.

I am basically very anxious about spending any money other than groceries, petrol etc because of the sulks that follow if dh thinks it was unnecessary or extravagant. I know it doesn't sound much, put like that, it is just awful black moods and virtual silence that leaves everyone in the house on edge for as long as it lasts. The "sulks" from last from a couple of days to a week, normally followed by a "neutral" period where dh is still quiet but a bit more pleasant to be with. He isn't often in an actual good mood, but he is sometimes.

Telling him to go fuck himself, which he entirely deserves, will have a (further) negative impact on children who are already staying in their rooms to avoid his moods. The fact that he's willing to put his children through a completely unnecessary school run every day simply to live in the place only he wants says it all.

You assumed, bluntness. Glad we clarified that. The point is, you shouldn't have.

Regarding their ages, the eldest is 15. That is all OP has told us. As there are 4 children, assuming no multiples then the youngest is anywhere between birth and 11. So you have no idea if they're all at school.

But even assuming they are, you also have no idea if wraparound care is perfectly doable. They live up the arse end of nowhere, thus we don't know if it even exists where they are. And if it does, we don't know how much it costs, whether the OP could earn that much or whether she would need DH to cover some of the costs.

With this in mind, you simply do not know whether she could work or not and are filling in the gaps with things you've invented. The fact that some other single parents manage to work has nothing to do with anything.

You have sleep-walked into this and are justifying his shitty behaviour. I do think you should get to a solicitor as soon as possible. I also think you should get to a counsellor and try to access some fucking anger.

He has been emotionally and financially abusive, prioritised his own wants over the needs of his family, been a shitty father and a terrible husband. And you are giving him excuses.

Get mad, then get divorced, then get a job.

OP, I speak from a person in a similar position, but a little bit reversed. I inherited a large some of money when family died. My money has paid for our house, cars, furniture, and has helped us maintain a lifestyle we desire. But I am the SAHM. My DH (and I) likes it that way and he is able to work in a job he enjoys because of my inheritance. That being said... I would NEVER refer to our money or money that has been passed down to me as MINE. It is OURS because we are married and we decide together what to do with it.

For some pp to insinuate that your job as a SAHM is less valuable than his or that you e been living off his riches is horse crap. You're the mother of his damn children, of course you should be benefiting off the money that was given to him, just as my dh does mine!. it's apalling some of the pps attitudes towards this.

He sounds very unreasonable to not even be willing to consider setting aside some money to help with kids future. I'd understand if he wants them to work hard and not want to instantly drop 100k for each of them... but I'd say some compromise should be made to set up some sort of trust or uni investment fund- especially since it is important to his wife. Counseling may be a very good route for you. Years ago it made a world of a difference in my marriage with some struggles we'd been having and it can really help having professional and objective input on your situation. I wish you the best.

Oh christ OP you've just described my stepfather. Black, horrific moods, boundary empathy, never saw his children as anything but an extension of himself...I say this not to make you feel shitty but to hopefully help youfeel better about leaving him: my mum used to moan about my SD to me too. Still does. It made/makes me feel desperately sad for her but also now makes me so angry with her for not leaving. I would have been 100% behind her walking out on someone who treated us both like such shit.

I wish you all the luck in the world. You sound great, and clever, and strong. You'll be the best example to your kids by showing them that getting the hell out of an abusive relationship is possible and right, and by giving them a calm, loving and emotionally supportive home.

Didn't OP say she was the one who spent 4 hours a day - 4 hours - ferrying the dcs to and from school, getting up early to begin the process while her 'd'h was still luxuriating in bed? And that he got up after they'd all gone and made himself smoked salmon and eggs?

Come on. He's got the whole household arranged nicely around his requirements. His requirements. Does he think about anyone else, or is he the only one that really matters?