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Original poster

Different attitudes to money - is dh being selfish here?

215 replies

bluebell2017 · 02/05/2017 13:23

Namechanged for this.

It is quite complicated, so I will try to keep it as short as I can.

DH is from a wealthy background. By the time he was 20, his parents had given him enough money that he was able to buy a house in the SE outright. Over the years, they have given him enough money that we have over £0.5million in investments and dh has a fairly large pension pot.

He earns about £50k, could probably earn quite a lot more but has turned down promotions over he years as he "doesn't want to play that game". Hmm... He has been in his current job for about 20 years, has hated it fro about 18 of those years, but has never looked for anything else because "he wouldn't find anything better/they're all the same".

I has a well-paid job before I had my first child, but became a sahm and have been ever since. (Eldest is 15).

Anyway, dh shocked me a few weeks ago by saying he was hoping/planning to retire later on this year, at the age of 50. He wants to fund this by using our investments.

Am I unreasonable to think that he should be using our investments to try to give our children a helping-hand in life - e.g. to help pay towards university or to pay for a deposit on a house? Dh thinks the children need to pay their own way in life and stand on their own two feet which I might ordinarily agree with - if dh hadn't been so lucky himself. To me, it doesn't seem right that dh should retire whist they are still in school, and the children not have the financial advantages dh did. Dh was simply lucky that his own father built up a very successful business from scratch, but he seems to want to ensure that he is the primary beneficiary of his father's efforts.

Then again, the money belongs to dh and dh's parents. Maybe I am being unreasonable telling dh how he should spend it and I shouldn't resent him retiring early given that I have been a sahm for 16 years?

I am totally dreading him being at home full-time which is also probably affecting my thoughts and feelings about this. But that is a whole new thread.

I would be very grateful for anyone's thoughts and/or advice about all of this. Thanks.

OP posts:
hellsbellsmelons · 02/05/2017 15:00

If I was you I'd start by making a couple of meetings with solicitors.
How much is the house worth?
Would it be easy to take the £500K savings and then he can keep the house?
Or the other way around?

£500K when he is used to £50K wages a year will not last!
That's 10 years.
What sort of pension pot does he have?

Ratatatouille · 02/05/2017 15:02

There was a thread on MN the other day about SAHMs and whether they are judged/looked down on. Well it would appear from the many frankly disgraceful posts on here (living off her husband? Fuck off) that yes, SAHMs are completely underappreciated and judged.

OP's eldest child is 15. She did not state in her OP how old her youngest was. But she has apparently been scrounging off her DH for the entire time? Through the baby and preschool years even?

Some people are real judgemental arseholes.

ElisavetaFartsonira · 02/05/2017 15:02

Sounds like you're fucking all of you over by staying.

Original poster
bluebell2017 · 02/05/2017 15:10

Thankfully, I know exactly how much money "we" have got because it is my "job" to manage it - e.g. deciding what shares to buy or whatever.

This has given me a lot to think about. Just writing things down and seeing what people think. Thanks. (If anyone has got anything else to add, I am still very interested. Just not going to be around to reply for a few hours.)

OP posts:
HmmOkay · 02/05/2017 15:10

I'd also just check that the house that his parents gave him the money for when he was 20 is actually in his name and not theirs. Unless you have moved to a different house since then of course and you are 100% sure that the new house is in his name only.

You can check on the Land Registry to see who the registered owner of the house is.

Belindabelle · 02/05/2017 15:11

No way is that enough to retire on at 50.

Original poster
bluebell2017 · 02/05/2017 15:18

Quick answer to "hellsbells":

We have more like £750k in investments, house worth similar plus a £500k pension pot. Notwithstanding the house, I live very frugally indeed, which I know sounds strange to many, but it's true.

(I apologise to anyone who sees such large amounts of money and wonders how I can possibly have anything to complain about, I really do. I'm really sorry if it seems insensitive.)

OP posts:
Thefabulousfeminist · 02/05/2017 15:19

Great post from fizzygreenwater - I totally agree

I started off thinking YABU OP but now I've read more I think you should LTB and make a lovely new life for yourself with your children.

I'd be furious that he was only interested in not working now the children are bear,y grown. I'd despise him for that in fact.

ElisavetaFartsonira · 02/05/2017 15:48

Are these assets and the house in his and/or your name, rather than his parents? I hope so.

Fwiw my view is that you have both worked thus far, and neither of you have the right to insist that the other earns/continues to earn in order to pass more on to your children. Just as neither of you would have the right to expect the other not to, in order to be at home. However, that's not what I see as the main issue here.

Blobby10 · 02/05/2017 15:55

I went through the same thing with my now ExH - one of the reasons we grew apart was a differing attitude to money - but we didn't have your monetary funds to fall back on. Cant suggest anything I'm afraid but from what you've written it does sound like your DH is going to do what the hell he likes anyway - can't believe he does 'his hobby' so many nights a week and half the weekend!! While you're at home with the kids/housework/laundry and all the other exciting things in your 24/7 employment. You are way more tolerant than I would have been.

ExplodedCloud · 02/05/2017 15:58

So basically he's a bit lazy, a bit financially controlling, self centred and doesn't like his own dc or you very much. I think you are trying so hard not to be your mother that you've put up with far more than you should have.
Take the prospect of his looming retirement as a kick up the arse to get on with divorce. You could have 25 years of resentment, sulks and misery or 25 years of living. A quarter of a century...

yetmorecrap · 02/05/2017 16:08

If you adored him and it was "just this" I wouldnt have given the answers I have--but I dont think you do and I think you feel "stuck" with the life he dictates. Thats no way to live when you have options.

orzal · 02/05/2017 16:09

But surely £750,000 of investments should return income of £40,000 pa ( not sure if your husband's £50,000 is net salary) leaving the capital intact. There will also be fewer work related expenses as well.

Quartz2208 · 02/05/2017 16:13

Given the atmosphere and your kids feelings surely a divorce is best divide the assets and move. Find somewhere that gives you the freedom to work (which is what you want)

Quartz2208 · 02/05/2017 16:14

How are the grandparents with the children as well

mousymary · 02/05/2017 16:27

Is a further inheritance likely? I know "great expectations" has a bearing on when people decide to retire/stop grafting at work.

ElisavetaFartsonira · 02/05/2017 16:46

What would happen if you were to find a job now OP?

RainbowsAndUnicorn · 02/05/2017 17:22

His inheritance, his choice entirely. His family money should be used by him, not a spouse. Good on him for using for that purpose rather than stay in work because you demand he does as you want his inheritance.

You've not had to work for sixteen years and feel your only luxury has been no mortgage Hmm

If you want to set up your children up, go back to work and use your salary to do that. Stop expecting everything from others.

happypoobum · 02/05/2017 17:32

Well the only way you can stop him from spending all that money on himself is to divorce him, then he can only use half of it to fund his retirement.

However, you then have to house yourself and provide for yourself out of half and still provide whatever finance you want for your DC.

Fishface77 · 02/05/2017 17:47

Well op
It sounds like your contribution as a sahm means fuck all to some posters!
It also sounds like you've done what your husband wants all your married life.
Seriously look at whether you want to spend the rest of your life like this.

astormgivenflesh · 02/05/2017 17:49

Absolutely disgusted by the comments suggesting you've been living it large at home whilst he grinds to provide - if that isn't indicative of how little we value the domestic and emotional labour so often done by women, I don't know what is. One of your children wants to be a dr (a very demanding job and one which requires high GCSE and A Level results so to be in that position I imagine you've been very involved in supporting them through school) your husband has been ABLE to work and enjoy life safe in the knowledge that you've held down the fort at home re. childcare and housework - those things ABSOLUTELY are 'work' and should be valued and considered as equal to his working outside the home.

SAHM get such a bad time on here and I don't know why. So often they allow the working parent the opportunity to progress and succeed at work because they take away so many of life's pressures. I'm so sorry you've ended up getting a bashing for being a SAHM, you HAVE been working all these years so ignore comments suggesting otherwise.

Regarding the money; it's tough because this is the kind of situation that invokes the baby boomer/millennial arguments - your husband has been handed money that enables him to live well, buy and invest well etc whilst your children will be saddled with highest tuition fees ever, increasing rents and priced out of housing markets. Perhaps he might consider giving them a house deposit each? Either way, you'd be expected to contribute to their uni costs as a result of your income as what they could borrow is based on idea that parents will contribute to an extent - does he know that? Ultimately you can't make him do anything with what he obviously sees as HIS money. FWIW it sounds like you deserve much better in life and as others as suggested, divorce might be an option!

Sending love and solidarity CakeFlowersStar

Original poster
bluebell2017 · 02/05/2017 17:56

Just got 5 minutes to answer a few points.

I understand - I really do - that to many people it would be an absolute dream come true to live mortgage free in a decent house. But the thing about being mortgage free is imagining how you could spend the money that is freed up, now that you no longer have rent or a mortgage to pay.

That is what I was trying to explain when I wrote about iving very frugally. In the past year I have bought for myself a cardigan, a couple of t-shirts and some socks. Oh, and some eye shadow from Boots and some face cream from the supermarket. That is all. I am not living the "lady who lunches" lifestyle by any stretch of the imagination. Maybe it is more than some have, but I don't think it fits with most people's idea of a luxury lifestyle.

Dh, otoh, has spent maybe £5k on his hobby and has been skiing with his friends (maybe £1.5k all in). Maybe that is fair enough, what with him being the wage earner and all.

OP posts:
notapizzaeater · 02/05/2017 17:58

Other than the hiuse, what do you actually get from this relationship ?

You only have one life - please live it as best you can and staying here isn't !

Fishface77 · 02/05/2017 17:58

Err no op.
If you have made the collective decision for
One of you to stay home then you have equal downtime and equal spending money.
Astorm says what I want to say much more eloquently than i do!

If you had said I insisted on staying at home then that would have been different.

yetmorecrap · 02/05/2017 17:59

Some of you should take a look at the nasty green eyed monster in yourself. I'm not in OPs position sadly in terms of assets but it doesn't mean I don't think she needs to do what's best for her and children, it is NOT DH money, the minute you marry its family money,

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