Different attitudes to money - is dh being selfish here?

[bluebell2017]

Namechanged for this.

It is quite complicated, so I will try to keep it as short as I can.

DH is from a wealthy background. By the time he was 20, his parents had given him enough money that he was able to buy a house in the SE outright. Over the years, they have given him enough money that we have over £0.5million in investments and dh has a fairly large pension pot.

He earns about £50k, could probably earn quite a lot more but has turned down promotions over he years as he "doesn't want to play that game". Hmm... He has been in his current job for about 20 years, has hated it fro about 18 of those years, but has never looked for anything else because "he wouldn't find anything better/they're all the same".

I has a well-paid job before I had my first child, but became a sahm and have been ever since. (Eldest is 15).

Anyway, dh shocked me a few weeks ago by saying he was hoping/planning to retire later on this year, at the age of 50. He wants to fund this by using our investments.

Am I unreasonable to think that he should be using our investments to try to give our children a helping-hand in life - e.g. to help pay towards university or to pay for a deposit on a house? Dh thinks the children need to pay their own way in life and stand on their own two feet which I might ordinarily agree with - if dh hadn't been so lucky himself. To me, it doesn't seem right that dh should retire whist they are still in school, and the children not have the financial advantages dh did. Dh was simply lucky that his own father built up a very successful business from scratch, but he seems to want to ensure that he is the primary beneficiary of his father's efforts.

Then again, the money belongs to dh and dh's parents. Maybe I am being unreasonable telling dh how he should spend it and I shouldn't resent him retiring early given that I have been a sahm for 16 years?

I am totally dreading him being at home full-time which is also probably affecting my thoughts and feelings about this. But that is a whole new thread.

I would be very grateful for anyone's thoughts and/or advice about all of this. Thanks.

I would leave, honestly. you'll be so much happier, and more than that I think your children might be too. And even potentially him!
He can use his share of the money to hire a live in maid and you can use your share to have a lovely life with your children.
What he is doing to you is abusive, there is no shadow of a doubt about that.

I actually didn't think you were being unreasonable from the start.

Whilst it is all very well him taking early retirement, and if he can afford to do so fine, but his attitude towards his children stinks when he has had such an incredibly privileged upbringing himself. He appears to very much have a "do as I say not as I do" attitude to life and work.

I would LTB, take my cut of the family money and take the kids to somewhere less rural and go back to work. They don't need to grow up surrounded by this attitude.

We have become better off in later years, but we have tried to instil a good work ethic into our children from an early age (part time jobs from 13 starting at paper round to retail). Fortunately we have financially been able to help make their lives easier by giving them spending money at Uni to avoid an overdraft and helping them buy their first cars.

As adults they are very appreciate of our efforts to make their lives easier but equally get up every morning at 5:30 to go to work or NHS student placement.

I think he sounds a privileged, selfish, entitled tight arse tbh.

You have already served 20 years with this selfish, childish man. Don't sign up for a life sentence! You are in a much stronger position for a divorce now, while you still have dependent children, than if you wait till they are older, so stop delaying. I understand why you are reluctant, given your childhood, but not all divorces are the same. The only way to secure your DC's financial future is to have control over the money through divorce.

I would also just leave. You're getting absolutely nothing out of this relationship.

I feel really sad for you, OP. This is no way for you or your children to live and you would be so much happier living your own life away from him. Can you see how crazy it sounds when you say you feel sorry for him as he doesn't seem to realise how shit he is? He IS shit - an entitled bully who doesn't appreciate you or his kids. Why on earth are you making him sandwiches at 6am while he sleeps and then makes his own breakfast of kings after you've gone?? Just stop. Have the fights that need to be had, albeit years after you should first have had them. You deserve a decent life. Your posts really resonate with me as I live in fear of being financially dependent on an arse like this.

I need to pop out in a minute, but I think the reason he doesn't want me to work is basically so that he is free to do whatever he want when he is not at work. He doesn't need to do any childcare, housework, shopping, laundry, diy or whatever. He can insist on cooked-from-scratch meals and home-made cakes rather than ready meals and shop-bought cakes ("because yours is so much nicer than anything you can buy in a shop!") . And he can go out and indulge in his hobby (actually two hobbies) pretty much whenever he feels like it.

Tbh, I think the main reason he got married and had children was because "that's what people do" rather than any real desire to actually have a family (hope that makes sense). He likes to talk about the children to other people, without actually being interested in them (if that makes sense). Basically, he will just make stuff up about them: "Oh yes, dd1 wants to be a lawyer, blah, blah, blah". (Er, no she doesn't. She wants to be a doctor). That kind of thing. "Ds loves being a goalie" (No he doesn't. He keeps getting put in goal because he's quite good at it. But he would prefer being a striker.) And so on.

You don't need to justify your position - everyone thinks he's a total arse! X

Yes he is a total arse - but why are you making his sandwiches whilst he sleeps? It is as though you don't value your role in the family so feel the need to do extras to make up for it. You feel guilty about living in a house provided by your PILs so you don't spend any money on yourself. You do a 4 hour school run so you DH can live where he wants.

You are worth it, you are valuable, you are not a slave.

frenchfancy, I think OP does what the DH wants her to do because if she doesn't, he makes the house unbearable both for her and the children.

Just imagine how happy you would be away from all of that. Let him clean his own house and bake his own cakes.

So it sounds like you're coming to the right conclusion that you need to divorce him. What's holding you back?

Set yourself free! Some of the things you say about his behaviour are unbearable to read.

If he's oblivious and would be surprised by you wanting to leave that's a sign he only cares about himself in my view. How dare he control you all with his moods and finances.

I hope the fact that he won't help your DC is the push you need to get out. If you have doubts tell yourself it's better for them, because it truly is.

He really does sound like a selfish arse - I agree.

I think staying at earning £50K/yr and not pursuing promotion is fair enough if he isn't driven in that way (it is a very decent wage, of course) - but the rest...wow. Especially his attitude towards you spending some money, and planning not to give his DC any financial help. Even without the money from his parents surely he must appreciate that his (our) generation could leave uni with relatively little student debt and buy houses fairly easily too - just to give our DC that takes serious money now.

How many siblings does he have? I wonder what his parents think - if they even know what he has been doing. I guess he needed more forceful guidance than simply referring to the money as 'for the family'. I hope they had the wisdom to keep some back specifically for their grandchildren.

Dear Bluebell, I really feel for you and your situation. I think you need to ask yourself some basic questions - can I really live the rest of my life in this way with this man? If you're unhappy now, imagine what it will be like when he's retired. He sounds very selfish not to have encouraged you to develop yourself, possibly outside the home, years ago. I can see your self-esteem is at rock bottom, and it's awful that you feel you can't buy yourself some nice clothes. No wonder you feel down. However the fact you're posting here shows you recognise the issues. You say also that your children aren't happy either, so I think you know the answer here. I hope you can recognise that you and the children are worth so much more than being controlled by this man. However if you think your marriage is worth saving, then be courageous and discuss how you're feeling. You've nothing to lose at all by doing this. You deserve respect which you obviously don't get from him, and some personal autonomy rather than just trying to keep the peace. It's never too late and you will find you will get support from unexpected people. I speak from personal experience on all this.

It's very strange that people are using language such as "sat at home enjoying the fruits of DH's labour", they must come from another planet if they really think being a SAHM is easy. I think that the OP has drawn the short straw - doing housework and looking after children all day is tedious, repetitive hard graft with (demonstrably on this thread) no appreciation, kudos or status in society. I've never aspired to be a SAHM or envied those who are, I don't get the venom here.

This post reads like it's from another century - SAHM with husband in charge, controlling all the money, where the family home is situated etc. The fact that you refer to "his" inheritance is telling. After being married for a number of years, you giving up your career to look after the DC's it's till thought of as "his" money? I would consider this to be family money and of course you should absolutely bring it up and have an equal say in how it is used.

I tell you what. Im in a HA house. I have 2 kids with SN, and work self employed for a pittance, as well as having some benefits too.
And I feel absolutely DREADFUL for the OP.
Yes I would LOVE a 3/4 mill home, with the same in the bank, and enough put by on a pension to have more than I have ever earned even when a ft single person in London, but Ive also lived with an abuser, and all the money in the world will never make up for the horror of that.
Get out lovely, give you kids a home with no atmosphere, in a place accessible to their friends and things to do. Leave now, while the kids are still at school, and you are still responsible for them, and you will have a choice where to go. Like this, they will be gone as soon as they can leave home, and you will be left like this alone with him.
Get out and make a home for them. support them. set them up to be independant and emotionally strong people - they probably hate what they see him do to you.
You have time for your dreams, they probably want to see you blossom, see you fly. And you would be able to allow them to get through college without that awful debt around their shoulders.

You know it's bonkers making him his packed lunch when he had time to cook himself breakfast (so he could do his own) but I suppose these are the things we fall into - you're already making packed lunches for the DC so what's one more? But it's treating you like a slave, and setting a bad example to your DC of how grown adults should run their home i.e. a willingness to share the drudgery.

If you wanted to change the status quo you could do it, with great effort - but it doesn't sound like it's worth it.

Cut your losses. Start making plans.

Bluebell As someone said to me, its perfectly fine to leave because you arent happy he doesnt have to be beating you up or shagging other women etc. You dont sound happy and with plenty to go round it sounds to me like he may himself actually be better as a weekend dad and a part time housekeeper/cleaner! I think you want to help your family, that may not be possible if he whips through it with early retirement. Maybe you can have the discussion and say what "you" would like (besides a new wardrobe) and if he brushes it off or doesnt take it on board , you have your answer-- you are secondary to his life.

DH sounds like he's on the spectrum somewhere - that aside its no reason to stay with him if you're not happy.

Everyone is "on the spectrum somewhere".

He's just a selfish git.

If you do nothing else at the moment you could take some small steps towards independence. Do some voluntary work in school hours. Get a good haircut, have a makeover, buy some clothes. Ignore the sulks.See a solicitor for some advice. Try to enjoy some social events. Don't know the ages of your younger DCs, but 15 is an age where you could start to think about leaving them for at least a few hours if he is out with his hobby. I also think it will be better if you do divorce that your outgoings are realistic, otherwise it will look like you are bumping up your claim rather than arguing to continue the status quo.

I disagree about 'The Spectrum'
My DP is diagnosed on 'The Spectrum' and he is nothing like this - a stickler for fairness.
The spectrum cannot be used as a useful excuse for someone acting like an abusive tosser

He doesn't sound autistic; a narcissist maybe

Op

I'm so pleased you have woken up to this mans selfish ways!

Please don't stay with him because he will beg you to when you tell him you want a divorce.

He will never change and you poor thing unable to buy a few treats for yourself without the fear of him resenting you for it!!

Please please see a lawyer - or just look for other accomodation near the children's schools.

Rent somewhere on a private lease and consider costs for 12 months - you can get benefits to help with your children and your own living costs plus maintenance- you will also get at least half of everything in the bank and the equity in your house.

50/50 is a starting point for divorce but after all you have endured and given up I'm certain you will get more.

Please stand up for yourself. Your husband is a bully and he uses his behaviour to deter you from speaking up - he does not allow you to express yourself freely - and your character has been squashed by him!

Find yourself - come on you can do it!

Show your children it's never too late

Don't waste any more of your time on this man. Go see a solicitor and go see a counsellor to get your facts and your heart/mind straight. You will be so much happier and so would the children.

Don't make any rash decisions. Take some time thinking about what is best for you and the children and make plans, including getting some financial / legal advice, do photocopy financial info. I think you deserve better and your husband is v controlling, wants everything on his terms and seems to have eroded your confidence over the years. From your posts doesn't read like you have a partnership tbh