Different attitudes to money - is dh being selfish here?

[bluebell2017]

Namechanged for this.

It is quite complicated, so I will try to keep it as short as I can.

DH is from a wealthy background. By the time he was 20, his parents had given him enough money that he was able to buy a house in the SE outright. Over the years, they have given him enough money that we have over £0.5million in investments and dh has a fairly large pension pot.

He earns about £50k, could probably earn quite a lot more but has turned down promotions over he years as he "doesn't want to play that game". Hmm... He has been in his current job for about 20 years, has hated it fro about 18 of those years, but has never looked for anything else because "he wouldn't find anything better/they're all the same".

I has a well-paid job before I had my first child, but became a sahm and have been ever since. (Eldest is 15).

Anyway, dh shocked me a few weeks ago by saying he was hoping/planning to retire later on this year, at the age of 50. He wants to fund this by using our investments.

Am I unreasonable to think that he should be using our investments to try to give our children a helping-hand in life - e.g. to help pay towards university or to pay for a deposit on a house? Dh thinks the children need to pay their own way in life and stand on their own two feet which I might ordinarily agree with - if dh hadn't been so lucky himself. To me, it doesn't seem right that dh should retire whist they are still in school, and the children not have the financial advantages dh did. Dh was simply lucky that his own father built up a very successful business from scratch, but he seems to want to ensure that he is the primary beneficiary of his father's efforts.

Then again, the money belongs to dh and dh's parents. Maybe I am being unreasonable telling dh how he should spend it and I shouldn't resent him retiring early given that I have been a sahm for 16 years?

I am totally dreading him being at home full-time which is also probably affecting my thoughts and feelings about this. But that is a whole new thread.

I would be very grateful for anyone's thoughts and/or advice about all of this. Thanks.

"...£750k in investments, house worth similar plus a £500k pension pot..."

I can't say I blame the guy at all for retiring, or at least slowing down, after presumably thirty years or so at the grindstone. None of the drip-fed information that came later alters this basic fact.

Some of the later posts point towards marital problems that need tackling sooner rather than later but these issues are more or less entirely unrelated to the OP.

I don't think I was drip-feeding, just trying to contextualise my situation and answer various questions. Maybe in the end it became a bit more generalised about my marriage, but my original question remains.

I think some people imagined sahm = "lady who lunches", with a wardrobe full of beautiful clothes, exotic holidays and regular visits to the spa. My life is nothing like that and I haven't yet returned to work primarily because dh has preferred me to be at home., not because I am too lazy to do so.

Whilst I am dreading the thought of spending extra time with dh, should he go ahead with eary retirement, that wasn't the actual source of my disquiet. What I feel unhappy about is dh not being prepared to pass on to our children any of the financial benefits he himself has enjoyed. Basically, he won't be able to access his pension for another decade or so, so he envisages living of his capital in the meantime. I don't think I would make that choice, had I been the one to have been given so much money, but dh is within his rights to do so. I just feel a bit shitty for the children, especially knowing how my older dd is already worried about paying for university and so on.

And ultimately, maybe just having such different values and priorities is itself enough to say that the relationship isn't working and won't work, before even going into some of the other stuff.

You need to focus on what you want. Every time you post you talk about what he wants and how you comply with it or adapt to it and put yourself last because that is your default position now.

And you want a different life. And the children want a different life. That's enough. More than enough. You and your husband have £2 million in assets. That's enough for both of you to start a nice life apart. It need not necessarily be hostile on your part - you can walk away and let your solicitor deal with most of it.

That new life is waiting for you. But you have to be brave enough to walk towards it.

Im only surprised the "on the spectrum" excuse didnt come up until page 7.

Argh bluebell!
You say "I don't think I'd have made that choice but he's within his rights to do so" as if you have NO SAY in FAMILY FINANCES. You have done what your husband wanted for 20 years, given up your well paid career and looked out for the interests of your DC, and now you can't even have an opinion on how money is spent - not even to benefit those DC rather than yourself.

So you'd spend your husband's early retirement watching him piss money on his hobbies and still dogsbodying for everyone, whilst the money runs low, just to keep the peace? Would you?

Or might you agree that actually his decisions CANNOT be taken in a vacuum, and that money he intends to take early retirement with is as much 50% YOURS to decide what to do with? Cos a court will...

You're in an abusive relationship. Do the Freedom Programme - find a course near you.

Sorry to be unequivocal about this. It is very clear from every angle that you are in an abusive relationship. Which is enormously crap for the kids - not just the sulking and the control and the gross selfishness and the absurd commutes but the desperately unhappy, downtrodden mum.

Men (sometimes women, usually men) who want to control prefer to keep their target isolated. Either it's getting sniffy when they go out, making life hell (for an age) if they do; or it's finding a deliciously isolated house miles and miles from anywhere so she (usually she) struggles to get to anything meaningful or fulfilling. So much better if she doesn't drive: perfect.

You drive but, hey, you don't work. He wouldn't like that, wouldn't like you making a life for yourself ,having relationships other than with him - I don't mean romantic relationships, just being a fulfilled human being with a full life and, crucially, having your own money. Nope, that wouldn't be the plan at all.

Anyway, do the Freedom Programme. Read 'Why Does He Do That?' by Lundy Bancroft.

Before you leave him (oh please do!) make sure you document every possible account showing all that luverly money you haven't been allowed to spend (

What springy said.

He can't even pay for decent Internet with his investments?

Don't ask. Do. DH, I've got a job at xyz. You'll never get his approval.

I think some people imagined sahm = "lady who lunches", with a wardrobe full of beautiful clothes, exotic holidays and regular visits to the spa.

Fuck no. I'm a SAHM. Also a primary carer and chief shit shoveller. I have th e odd day, like today, where I get my hair done (because I looked positively feral) buy a few food bits from M&S and then spend as much of the rest of the day chilling as getting stuff done because yesterday was a hard day with a water pipe blowing in our old pit cottage and cleaning that mess up while keeping 2 kids with SN on track took it out of me.

Deepest darkest countryside = poor Internet, regardless how much money you have.

Drop the D then drop the H. He's certainly not the former and I do hope it won't be long before he's relieved of the latter.

Don't feel sorry for him!

And are you able to elaborate on some of "the other stuff"? It's bad, isn't it?

Well quite, Springy. And conveniently cut off from the outside world, even though he probably only sleeps there.

This thread is a perfect example of what really pisses me off about MN.

OP the way your thread has unfolded isn't unusual. Many women come to MN posting a thread about a single issue which turns out to be the straw that broke the camels back.

As the thread progresses the original issue is the tip of the iceberg as the OP realises there's a lot more to it and their marriage is abnormal and unhealthy. In the meantime you get posters complaining about 'drip feeding' and attacking the OP for it. Of course the OP doesn't give all that info at first, there's too much to write and they want to stick to the main issue which has woken them up and has since then realised how bad things are otherwise they'd know they were in an abusive relationship.

In future, think before before you accuse someone of drop feeding. Abusive victims by the very nature of not knowing that's what they are will always drip feed!

Good postJoysmum.

Well I think uou need to accept your life is going to change. Either he will be at home with uou or you will split.

He's clearly very entitled and selfish.however you also need to take a share of the responsibility, you have not worked and you have not contributed to help your children financially. It doesn't matter how much your husband preferred this, you enabled it and ultimately it was your decision to allow this to develop in this manner.

He's not going to help his children financially. You potentially can by divorcing and using some of the money to do so. So the balls now in your court, go along with it, keep living with him, give your kids nothing, and have him at home or divorce, buy a little house, get a job and help your children.

I've a funny feeling you will do the former.but I hope not, you only get one shot at life.

Money in a marriage should be shared. Are there ways that you've had a chance to use this money as you wanted, any ways at all? It does sound an oppressive relationship

OP - I sympathise with your perspective 100% and you don't have to justify your position as. SAHM to anybody. My jaw dropped at the selfishness of your DH, even reading your opening post.

I have also been a SAHM for about 14 years and we have 3 DC. DH never had family money, but was fortunate make a lot of money following the sale of a company he was involved in. The first thing he did was to set up trust funds for all the DC. He put money into an account which will cover the school fees for the remaining years plus more than enough to cover their university fees and living expenses during this time. His attitude is that he wants the money to make a "generational change" for his own DC and hopefully, for their children as well. He has bought them all a London starter flat which they can either live in or sell when the time comes, but they will never have to waste money on rent, etc.

He could retire now (45), but thinks he can more than double the money he has through investments in the next few years. He has never begrudged me buying anything for myself and I chose the house we live in.

I can't understand why your husband doesn't want to assist your DC over these critical years, given that he has the ability to do so. He should be so proud that your daughter wants to become a doctor. His attitude is absolutely staggering, given the "leg up" he received from his own parents.

I think you have to be honest and tell him how you feel. At least you will have said it. I suppose if he's never had any ambition, he won't understand that your DC are different. I'm really sorry you are in this position OP.

In dh's defence, I can't blame the internet service on him at all. We changed ISP a few weeks ago simply because the old one seemed to be getting more and more expensive, (I agreed with him - we were paying £70/month). We didn't downgrade or anything, it just seems to me that TalkTalk isn't as good as BT.

All of these replies have given me a lot to think about. But basically, I think I need to start making some concrete plans about how to get out of this situation.

Actually, a couple of weeks ago I bought a book called "Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay" (or something like that). The author basically asks a series of questions and says how, in her experience, people who answered a particular way were happier staying in the relationship or leaving. I didn't think my marriage was that bad - there has never been any violence of any sort, no excessive drinking or gambling, nothing like that. No shouting (although I often think big rows would e easier to deal with because dh's silence and sulks men that problems never get addressed). Anyway, I think there are 20 questions and I was surprised and even a bit depressed that my answers to 17 or 18 of them suggested that people who answered that way were generally happier after leaving their partner. I guess you just get used to living in a certain way and tell yourself things are not that bad.

Round about that time, dd2 was having a bit of a grumble about dh and I felt a bit bad about it because it wasn't the first time we have had a moan about him. "Let's stop complaining and try and think about some of the nice things about Dad", I said. We couldn't think of anything beyond: "He goes out to work to support us" and "He encourages us to keep fit". Which makes him sound pretty bad, I know, but I would actually say that he primarily very self-absorbed and lacking in empathy rather than nasty. In the sense that he is motivated by trying to make himself happy rather than make other people unhappy.

You need to stop making excuses for him; it's horrific that you are convincing yourself he's ok just because he hasn't hit you. Abuse takes different forms.

What do you want, OP?

From your life, I mean. Give that some thought.

Your life has been subsumed into the lives of your husband and your children. Your husband and children will be gone soon enough (divorce and the children to university, jobs, whatever).

So what do you want for yourself?

OP - You do have a right to have a life for yourself involving all the things that you don't seem to have at the moment - independence and be considered as equal in partnership i.e. Joint decision making, a means to be financially independent i.e. Job, social contacts out with immediate family eg friends, work colleagues, interests, hobbies, being treated with respect and being empowered, being able to feel good about yourself etc.
Sorry if this is a bit garbled but was thinking about things that I take for granted as basic rights.

In the sense that he is motivated by trying to make himself happy rather than make other people unhappy.

If you haven't read Lundy Bancroft, Why does he do that? I think you should do so, because what you describe is the usual driver for abuse. People abuse because it helps them to get their own way - it's rarely down to pure sadism.

Talk to a solicitor. I think you should leave him because it sounds like it's miserable living with him. It may or may not help the dcs financially - you'll presumably get half the house, but there may not be a lot left over once you house yourself with your share. I don't know if a court will order him to support the dcs at university, especially if he stops work. Leaving him now is not a guarantee of better finances. The real benefit is not having to live with him every day.

Well said, joysmum

OP, don't get a job before speaking to a solicitor - it may reduce the amount of alimony you receive and so leave you less able to help out the D.C.

Ah op. I also think you're now trying to justify his behaviour as a way of minimising it. Fundamentally would you prefer to stay and keep the status quo rather than break away and make a better life for yourself wnd support the kids?

I think on one side that's understandable as going it alone can be scary. On the other side it means you are complicit as when it comes to it, you too won't do anything. You do have it in your power to help and to change things but if you elect not to, then I'm afraid you are the same as your husband. And that's hard to swallow the next time the kids complain, to think "well I also could help but I will not because I don't think it's the best for me either". This maybe would explain why you chose not to work for 16 years also.

The thing is I'm not sure staying is the best for you. It's simply the easiest in the short term, but it really doesn't sound like any of you are happy other than your husband.