Different attitudes to money - is dh being selfish here?

[bluebell2017]

Namechanged for this.

It is quite complicated, so I will try to keep it as short as I can.

DH is from a wealthy background. By the time he was 20, his parents had given him enough money that he was able to buy a house in the SE outright. Over the years, they have given him enough money that we have over £0.5million in investments and dh has a fairly large pension pot.

He earns about £50k, could probably earn quite a lot more but has turned down promotions over he years as he "doesn't want to play that game". Hmm... He has been in his current job for about 20 years, has hated it fro about 18 of those years, but has never looked for anything else because "he wouldn't find anything better/they're all the same".

I has a well-paid job before I had my first child, but became a sahm and have been ever since. (Eldest is 15).

Anyway, dh shocked me a few weeks ago by saying he was hoping/planning to retire later on this year, at the age of 50. He wants to fund this by using our investments.

Am I unreasonable to think that he should be using our investments to try to give our children a helping-hand in life - e.g. to help pay towards university or to pay for a deposit on a house? Dh thinks the children need to pay their own way in life and stand on their own two feet which I might ordinarily agree with - if dh hadn't been so lucky himself. To me, it doesn't seem right that dh should retire whist they are still in school, and the children not have the financial advantages dh did. Dh was simply lucky that his own father built up a very successful business from scratch, but he seems to want to ensure that he is the primary beneficiary of his father's efforts.

Then again, the money belongs to dh and dh's parents. Maybe I am being unreasonable telling dh how he should spend it and I shouldn't resent him retiring early given that I have been a sahm for 16 years?

I am totally dreading him being at home full-time which is also probably affecting my thoughts and feelings about this. But that is a whole new thread.

I would be very grateful for anyone's thoughts and/or advice about all of this. Thanks.

Never mind! Here goes the drip feed. Get a job and leave him.

Actually Bluebell on reflection, I would go for the divorce, sell up, rent somewhere lovely and help your kids out and live somewhere you would enjoy yourself and get a new wardrobe I think you will feel probably far happier. Fair enough if you still love him dearly and dont want to do that--but it really doesnt sound that way to me. You do have choices and at the moment its sounding like "his money, his life" and you just have to fit round it. I envy you the stay at home time (i had 12 weeks!!!) and a mortgage free home, I have colossal rent even at 55, but in this case it doesnt sound as if money has made you happy because you are dancing to someone elses tune because they hold all the power at the moment

To briefly answer a few questions:

He has never looked for another job because "he wouldn't find a better one/they're all the same".

I have proposed going back to work one a number of occasions, but dh has always been against the idea. He prefers me to be at home.

The children are unlikely to benefit from my dh's money/inheritance as things stand because dh intends to use it all himself.

This is not a drip-feed. It is a complicated situation which has persisted over years. It is nigh on impossible to condense it into a few paragraphs and I have been trying not to mix it up with other problematic aspects of my marriage.

I guess I'd ask why you've allowed the situation (his hobby taking him away so much, him not "allowing" you to work) to continue for so long? It sounds like you've been leading pretty separate lives. Has it always been like that? In which case why did you have children?

The best course of action, if you don't think you and he are going to start getting on, may be to end the marriage whilst you're still young enough to get back into work and he's got a chance to reevaluate what he does about working and early retirement. That's fairer on him and probably best for you in the long run.

The alternative is that you suck it up and try and make your own space, either by working or hobbies, but you've got a looong time ahead of you of biting your tongue if you do, and presumably a battle to get him to take on some of the childcare so you can.

You sound very passive, things happen to you rather than you being an active participant. Hope you can take control of you own life and decisions in future 💐

Also astonished by those saying you have 'lived off' your husband. Your latest post puts this firmly in perspective!

So - he's controlled the way you live your life, making sure you do the heavy lifting with the kids and refusing to support you in a differnet role which would have given you more freedom and financial input. You live where he wants to, despite it seeming not to be a best fit for the family. He clearly puts himself first, second and third - not surprisingly for someone who has had everything handed to him on a plate!

Now he wants to change everything so that once again what he wants comes first (early retirement) at the expense of everyone else (supporting the children even modestly in their next stage of life). No surprise he's only doing this now that childcare is presumably trailing off as the children are getting on for grown-up.

And on top of all this he can't even say that it's his hard work that has 'provided' all the cash - because it clearly isn't!

Anyway to think logically. I'm not surprised that you don't relish the thought of him at home with you all the time. Two options: you go back to work and stay with him - thus changing the financial setup AND starting to bring in money that you control, or b. you divorce.

Depending on how dead the relationship is, b. would seem to have a lot going for it. Clearly, you want totally different things. No, the pot of cash which he's planning to use to fund all this isn't his - simply put, you've raised his kids, you've been a team (ESPECIALLY as you'd rather have gone back to work!) and so all funds, investments etc. are joint.

If you divorce, you'd get a massive whack of your JOINT assets which would allow you to:

• move somewhere smaller and more central
• retrain and start working again
• help your children.

He would have a far smaller set of assets which would perhaps more accurately represent the effort he's put in to the life you jointly lead at the moment! Enough to retire maybe, but probably not in the manner to which he'd like to be accustomed.

Seems an overall better plan in which the wishes and needs of more than just one family member are taken into account.

Hey, he cant spend it all lovely if you take half nowand half the pension pot too. Im so sorry to sound harsh, you may love him dearly (its always hard to judge from words on a page) but you "DO" have that option, and then you "can" help your kids. You might have to rent , yes, to free up cash rather than it all being in a not so great house but who caresyou can rent somewhere lovely !! Whilst I dont agree with going OTT on kids, neither do I think it ok if he blows all the family money on not working and an expensive hoby (which he will if he has lots of time) I think you would be happier in long term with the cash, helping your family and getting back into a careereven if part time. You sound very intelligent, really think on it!

I wonder if he's taken advice on what pension he'll get? Retiring at 50 on only £500k would leave you both on a pittance, (about 6k per year) so how much is in his pension pot?

Yanbu. Your husband will use up the family investment capital retiring at such a young age and no doubt funding the lifestyle he's used to and perhaps adding extra activities to fill his hours.

This is a good opportunity for you to do what you wish career wise though, even if menial.

Such a worry his retirement plans have not included you though, he's just told you his intentions without allowing you input. Odd.

Well if your marriage is on the rocks and if he's not going to agree to a mutually acceptable outcome, one way to make sure the family benefit from the money would be to bide your time and then divorce him quickly so he has no time to dispose of any assets and go for half.
Use it to fund your children and get yourself a job to support yourself.

But make sure you have a record of all the assets. If they're not in joint accounts or accessible by you, make sure he can't hide them.

Yes, you do sound very passive. You wanted to be the breadwinner but he didn't want that so you became a SAHM, he didn't want you to return to work later on and so you didn't, you have two skirts because he won't give you any money for more. You sound so helpless.

You need to think about what you want from your life. You and the children don't like living in the countryside? Make plans to move. He doesn't want to? Guess what? He doesn't have to move with you. Leave him behind.

And yes to divorce if things are that bad.

Damn internet keeps cutting out on me! Thank you so much for your thoughts, you have all given me lots to think about.

It's true, I have become very passive, walking on eggshells all the time. Frankly, I have been scared to raise the whole issue of the money/retirement with dh. He doesn't lose his temper, he just sulks, maybe for days on end. The atmosphere on the house can be absolutely awful when he is like that. I wonder what happened to the bright, attractive, ambitious woman who married dh 20 years ago? I don't really recognise the downtrodden doormat I see when I look in the mirror.

2014newme?
You do not sit at home if you are a sahm ot is not his money and you are certainly not lazy i cant beleive you think that

I was going to say YABU but as you have explained more I think its time to leave. You'll need to move behind the scenes silently before money starts disappearing. If you are SAHM you should have time to dig.

Oh OP you sound like a friend of mine. What a shitty situation.

I would ltb. I would. Take half the cash while it's still there and run for the hills.

Fuck that shit op!
LTB and take MORE than half.

Could there be a compromise? A £500k investment pot should easily pay university fees for example (unless you have lots of DC?). Why not suggest enough money is put aside for uni and perhaps a modest chunk for house deposits for DC?
Your husband might need to be a bit more frugal in retirement than he planned but DC still get a headstart.
You could even maybe in the future suggest a house move to downsize and release equity, or maybe go back to work yourself, it sounds like you are very driven.
Or could dh work part time?

It seems like you are both in a very fortunate position, but you can't both have this your own way, it will need to be a compromise. So in a way neither of yabu you just need to meet half way.

If not for yourself then for your kids.
Some people do believe that when kids are grown up they need to be responsible for themselves but if you've had a helping hand and accepted it then surely you want to pay it forward?! I'm not saying give it all to them,
But get them on the property ladder/ pay for education!
What do his parents think of the idea?

No doubt this bit will also be seen as being some more "drip feeding", but my parents got divorced when I was young. It was extremely acrimonious, and it was even worse when it was over as my mother then went through a whole string of unsuitable men who became a succession of awful "stepfathers". I had a horrible childhood, really. I desparately wanted to make a happy childhood for my own children and so I have put up with sh*t from my dh for years, always bending over backwards to keep him happy because I didn't want to rock the boat, telling myself that the children need a stable family home. And now it feels as if I have failed miserably. The children pretty much hate their dad because of his moods and selfishness. They stay in their rooms as far as possible whenever he is at home. And I know that realistically I am looking at a looming divorce.

How do you feel about divorcing him?

What is stopping you? Sounds like the kids would be glad to move elsewhere without him also.

Can you start to make copies of all the paperwork relating to savings accounts, his pension, joint bank accounts, his own bank accounts? Might give you an idea of how easy it might be at a later date to transfer your half of the easily-accessible savings to a sole account of yours.

That is for when if you ever decide to get out of there and rent a place near the children's school. You will need money for that - time to start planning now (even if you never actually do it). No harm in having a backup plan.

I am quite shocked that after all his parents gave/helped him, he is unwilling to do the same for his own children. Shitbag.

Sorry, cross-posted.

But what I say stands. Get planning but say nothing to him for now. It will make you feel a bit more in control. Your work in raising the children will be recognised in the divorce and you'll be financially able to move on. Have a target in mind. Be nice to be settled elsewhere for September when the children are back at school.

I wonder what happened to the bright, attractive, ambitious woman who married dh 20 years ago

She is there OP, shes just "under cover" --believe me I know how you feel and your chrysalis can become a butterfly. ! I too have ended up doing stuff to suit DH because I am frightened of a bad atmosphere with a moody bloke and I know the walking on eggshells thing well. In the end you will crack up, so gain some composure, make sure you know exactly whats he has and take photocopies if necessary when he is out. See a lawyer discretely. You then have all the facts at your fingertips and can make the right decision whatever you decide that to be for you and your children.

From your last post you are doing neither yourself, or your children, any favours by staying.

If you know you are looking at divorce, go and see a solicitor quickly - before he gives up work and spends the money. Sounds like you and your kids will be happier and better off financially.