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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is it my fault?

186 replies

Ricecrispies16 · 30/04/2017 19:01

Kind of a wwyd but also need some help to keep my head straight.

My partner of two years is treating me like shit. Argument after argument it's wearing me down. Every time I say I'm upset about something he doesn't want to hear it then turns it all round on me. The latest is this...

Yesterday I bumped into him on the start of his lunch break at work, instead of stopping to talk for a minute he just says he in a rush scurried off. It left me feeling a bit miffed that he couldn't stop for even a minute to have a chat with me, ask how the baby is (she was with me) or even ask how I am (I'm dosed up on painkillers and antibiotics for my ear, been really poorly for a few days now). I think that after all the bickering lately it upset me that he couldn't take one minute of his lunch break to actually acknowledge me. Then went on his break, I half expected a text message just explaining that he was in a rush etc etc but nothing. His break was half an hour long. So I sent a message that was lighthearted but showed that I felt a bit Hmm about it and he went off on one. Now apparently he does so much for me, treats me so well etc even said "if I'm that bad then why you still with me eh?" I replied that given the way he's treating me I don't even know. He's clung to that with all his might and now I am to blame for the whole thing. He got home from work yesterday and went straight upstairs to the bedroom, shut the door and didn't even speak to me, didn't come down, nothing. This morning he's not even looked at me, not spoke a word, wouldn't even be in the same room as me. When I left his afternoon to go out I said goodbye and he said nothing, so I asked if he's really going to just ignore me and he viciously said "I said cya!" Again wouldn't even look at me. Since that I messaged him saying that I can't believe this is he treatment I get for saying that I was a bit upset that I basically got ignored by him at work and he's going on and on again about how he treats me so well, is so good to me etc etc. He tried to call my bluff telling me that if I'm so unhappy to go and find a man that will treat me better since he treats me like shit. So I said I'm not prepared to spend another night being made to feel inferior and not even good enough to be in the same room as and it that I refuse to live like that, got home and he's ignoring me again.

Fucking had enough I really have. I'm on the brink of just ending it but I don't know how. We had a bad break up about a year ago and he has this way of making me feel like I'm the worst person in the world, it's my fault and the last time he literally reduced me to bits, I had to go to my mums because I felt like I was about to fall apart. I just don't feel ready to face those feelings again. That's what's holding me back.

Am I right in thinking that regardless of how he feels I've done something wrong, it's completely out of order to just disappear to the bedroom and not be in the same room as me? He will say it's my fault for how I was yesterday. He will convince me that it is my fault. I can't face it. I have no idea how I've become so weak.

So, am I in the wrong? And wwyd?

OP posts:
Shayelle · 30/04/2017 19:03

He is a nasty abusive cruel man. LTB.

fusspot66 · 30/04/2017 19:03

He's not worth it.

category12 · 30/04/2017 19:07

Go home to mum. End it for good and don't engage with him anymore. He can't make you feel like shit if you don't listen to him.

Pillowpillowpillows · 30/04/2017 19:12

Did he even take care of your daughter after work or he's just so selfish that he checked out of all responsibilities because oh yea he's so good to you. I despair when I read how much crap women put themselves through for nothing. He's nothing you know. You can walk away and save your sanity and be happy.

JK1773 · 30/04/2017 19:22

Urgh god I remember living like this. It's horrible, I really feel for you. I had exactly this for years. Every time I mentioned being unhappy about something it was shout at me, ignore me (for days sometimes), got told it was my fault then 'if I'm that bad why are you even with me?' It doesn't change or get better. I left him in the end. This wasn't the only reason. I don't have any advice on coping with it or changing his behaviour. I couldn't cope with it and he never changed. All I can say is that 2 years after leaving I've honestly never been happier in all areas of my life Flowers

PollytheDolly · 30/04/2017 19:23

So I said I'm not prepared to spend another night being made to feel inferior and not even good enough to be in the same room as and it that I refuse to live like that

And yet he's still there. You make threats you must adhere to them otherwise you will be stuck with this petulant man-child for years.

Misstic · 30/04/2017 19:24

Sounds like some space is needed as things are likely to escalate. Go to your mum's for some thinking space and let him get some time on his own.

Original poster
Ricecrispies16 · 30/04/2017 19:25

The ridiculous thing is I can see what he's doing but feel so powerless to stop it. It's like I anticipate the things he will say, I know he will end up convincing me it's my fault but by he end of it it all I end up genuinely believing it is

OP posts:
Hidingtonothing · 30/04/2017 19:31

I agree with PP's Rice, he's abusive and you're worth more than someone who can treat you like this. If there's a problem he's meant to talk to you about it, not stonewall and punish you for daring to mention that he'd upset you.

PollytheDolly · 30/04/2017 19:33

If there's a problem he's meant to talk to you about it, not stonewall and punish you for daring to mention that he'd upset you.

It's an absolutely shit thing to do. It's to shut you down and invalidate you. It's a cunts trick.

Kittenswithattitudeandchickens · 30/04/2017 19:37

I feel for you op. Eight years after finally getting the courage to leave my xp I still feel grateful on a daily basis that I don't have to put up with his shit. Always making it your fault is a classic narc behaviour. It doesn't ever get better.

MissBel12 · 30/04/2017 19:40

It sounds like he's deliberately pushing you away, and that he doesn't have the guts to end it with you. Maybe, without even realizing it, he wants you to be the one to break up with him so he doesn't have the guilt and responsibility of doing it.

isitjustme2017 · 30/04/2017 19:46

I think he probably knows how badly he is treating you, so is trying to turn it round on you in some twisted attempt to make himself feel better. It is a form of abuse and this does start to make you question your own sanity.
If you tell your dp he has upset you, he should feel bad/say sorry/want to talk about it etc etc, but he has just turned it round on you. Its classic emotional abuse. You've only been together 2 years so you should still be in the honeymoon period. They do say that abuse often gets worse when a baby comes along. How long has he been like this?

cauliflowercheese14 · 30/04/2017 19:48

LTB. Waste of your energy.

Original poster
Ricecrispies16 · 30/04/2017 19:49

He's been like it a long time, he used to be worse but much much better now. Although at one point it was so clear how much he loved me. I just don't feel it anymore

OP posts:
Original poster
Ricecrispies16 · 30/04/2017 19:50

He's still ignoring me. Playing on his phone on the floor, looks happy as a pig in shit

OP posts:
donners312 · 30/04/2017 19:50

I think you will feel a lot better when you walk away from this.

PollytheDolly · 30/04/2017 19:57

He's still ignoring me. Playing on his phone on the floor, looks happy as a pig in shit

Fucks sake! Tell him to do one.

Original poster
Ricecrispies16 · 30/04/2017 20:00

I can't do anything right now, my children are still awake. I seem to be spending all my time thinking about if I'm justified in telling him to piss off or if it is my fault and I'll end up looking stupid.

I know I sound really pathetic. I'm embarrassed at myself for being so weak.

OP posts:
PollytheDolly · 30/04/2017 20:01

Right. What he's doing is emotional withdrawal. It's a classic abuse tactic. I bet you feel worthless and shit right now, don't you, and he's revelling in it. Take a good, long, hard look at him right now playing on his phone like a twat not giving a shit because he thinks he's got you right where he needs you.

Now get angry.

Then, Get rid.

Original poster
Ricecrispies16 · 30/04/2017 20:02

Polly - do you think he's aware of what he's doing or are some men just 'wired' up this way oblivious to what they are actually doing?

OP posts:
PollytheDolly · 30/04/2017 20:02

And I totally get this OP. I'm talking from experience Flowers

And he is the weak one, not you.

PollytheDolly · 30/04/2017 20:03

Polly - do you think he's aware of what he's doing or are some men just 'wired' up this way oblivious to what they are actually doing?

He is wired up wrong and he totally knows what he is doing. Trust me x

Original poster
Ricecrispies16 · 30/04/2017 20:21

Just got up to take my toddler up to bed and straight away he gets up off the floor and sits on the sofa now I'm not on it.... he's trying to make it obvious

OP posts:
PollytheDolly · 30/04/2017 20:25

Pathetic isn't it?

I'd run yourself a bath and go to bed. Don't be in the same room as him witnessing such self-indulged behaviour.

Got any good books to read? Nice film?

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