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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Is it my fault?

186 replies

Ricecrispies16 · 30/04/2017 19:01

Kind of a wwyd but also need some help to keep my head straight.

My partner of two years is treating me like shit. Argument after argument it's wearing me down. Every time I say I'm upset about something he doesn't want to hear it then turns it all round on me. The latest is this...

Yesterday I bumped into him on the start of his lunch break at work, instead of stopping to talk for a minute he just says he in a rush scurried off. It left me feeling a bit miffed that he couldn't stop for even a minute to have a chat with me, ask how the baby is (she was with me) or even ask how I am (I'm dosed up on painkillers and antibiotics for my ear, been really poorly for a few days now). I think that after all the bickering lately it upset me that he couldn't take one minute of his lunch break to actually acknowledge me. Then went on his break, I half expected a text message just explaining that he was in a rush etc etc but nothing. His break was half an hour long. So I sent a message that was lighthearted but showed that I felt a bit Hmm about it and he went off on one. Now apparently he does so much for me, treats me so well etc even said "if I'm that bad then why you still with me eh?" I replied that given the way he's treating me I don't even know. He's clung to that with all his might and now I am to blame for the whole thing. He got home from work yesterday and went straight upstairs to the bedroom, shut the door and didn't even speak to me, didn't come down, nothing. This morning he's not even looked at me, not spoke a word, wouldn't even be in the same room as me. When I left his afternoon to go out I said goodbye and he said nothing, so I asked if he's really going to just ignore me and he viciously said "I said cya!" Again wouldn't even look at me. Since that I messaged him saying that I can't believe this is he treatment I get for saying that I was a bit upset that I basically got ignored by him at work and he's going on and on again about how he treats me so well, is so good to me etc etc. He tried to call my bluff telling me that if I'm so unhappy to go and find a man that will treat me better since he treats me like shit. So I said I'm not prepared to spend another night being made to feel inferior and not even good enough to be in the same room as and it that I refuse to live like that, got home and he's ignoring me again.

Fucking had enough I really have. I'm on the brink of just ending it but I don't know how. We had a bad break up about a year ago and he has this way of making me feel like I'm the worst person in the world, it's my fault and the last time he literally reduced me to bits, I had to go to my mums because I felt like I was about to fall apart. I just don't feel ready to face those feelings again. That's what's holding me back.

Am I right in thinking that regardless of how he feels I've done something wrong, it's completely out of order to just disappear to the bedroom and not be in the same room as me? He will say it's my fault for how I was yesterday. He will convince me that it is my fault. I can't face it. I have no idea how I've become so weak.

So, am I in the wrong? And wwyd?

OP posts:
littlemissangrypants · 03/05/2017 19:45

Whatever you do he will say it's all your fault. He likes to make you feel shit about yourself as it makes you easy to walk over. Ignore him. Move on.
I know it's hard but don't torture yourself because he will do that soon enough. Try to be kind to yourself. You are raising kids on your own and need to be strong. None of this will be easy but don't wait for him to help or to ask about your baby. He wants to punish you and he knows you love your children and how much him rejecting them will hurt you.
I used to write lists of what my ex could possibly throw at me so I could tick them off. It always helped to be prepared for the abuse so it didn't surprise me too much. Your ex is the enemy now. You will need to deal with him eventually but there is no harm in waiting for him to get back to you for now.

Shayelle · 03/05/2017 20:28

Youre doing amazing, Rice. All the feelings youre going thru, anger, hurt.. its going to feel very raw for a while, he is absolute scum though, please keep hanging in there, everyone can see youve done the right thing, if you have any waverings, trust in the wisdom and experience here. What kind of cunt doesnt even ask after his own bubba?? Hugs for you lady FlowersCakeWine

ExplodedCloud · 03/05/2017 23:01

You're right that he will say it's your fault. It's what he does. Look at your thread title! And he's done it so much, you have internalized it.
So no note. Unless it says "Here's your stuff. Feel free to text me about contact with "

ExplodedCloud · 03/05/2017 23:05

I like angrypants suggestion of writing his script. Then every time he rolls one out you can pat yourself on the back for seeing it coming and roll your eyes at his predictability Grin

Ricecrispies16 · 04/05/2017 06:55

Ooooh writing down what I predict him to do as a tick chart is a great idea!! I've discovered something else he's taken.... one of my mugs! Strangest thing is, it's a mug that says 'love' on it Hmm

OP posts:
ExplodedCloud · 04/05/2017 08:13

Oh No! The symbolism! Surely he can't have done that deliberately? That sounds a bit deranged tbf

Ricecrispies16 · 04/05/2017 08:36

Well it's definitely not in my kitchen, will search the bedroom later. I bought two just after Valentine's Day, one for him and one for me.. perhaps it's his way of saying he's taking his love away? So so childish!

OP posts:
ExplodedCloud · 04/05/2017 09:06

It is childish. You're right. Brew but you've got this now.
What's your plan for today?

Ricecrispies16 · 04/05/2017 10:56

I'm going to start doing a bit of decorating and have a little change round. Make my house a bit different to when he was here, I think that will help

OP posts:
hellsbellsmelons · 04/05/2017 11:05

That really does help.
I've got my bedroom looking lovely now that ExDP is not in it anymore.
It's tranquil and TIDY!!!
No more floordrobe!

And your bullshit bingo card will be a great tick list!

ExplodedCloud · 04/05/2017 11:42

Good plan. Make it feel like your home. :)

Ricecrispies16 · 04/05/2017 14:13

Bullshit bingo!! That's absolutely brilliant!! I'll draw it up later, might even go to some extra effort and make it all decorative haha

OP posts:
Ricecrispies16 · 06/05/2017 08:25

Still not a word from him. My heart is breaking for my little girl, how can he just walk away from her?! If he's abandoned her how do I help myself to deal with that?! How do I accept that he's out of the picture and she has only me Sad

OP posts:
Bananamanfan · 06/05/2017 09:15

It obviously doesn't hurt him and it really shows that you have done the right thing. Are you seeing your family this weekend? Flowers

PollytheDolly · 06/05/2017 10:18

Hi Rice

Has he said nothing about it at all?

Flowers
Ricecrispies16 · 06/05/2017 13:41

It makes me feel like the whole thing was a lie, I never thought he would turn his back on his daughter. In fact I was expecting him to be a nightmare in terms of contact. Haven't heard a single word from him since Tuesday and even on Tuesday he didn't mention the baby.

I've been out this morning to a soft play type thing with a friend, I'm just not feeling it though. Been fine for two days and I've woke up this morning and it's like it's slapped me round the face all over again

OP posts:
fusspot66 · 06/05/2017 13:57

He's waiting for you to beg.

isitjustme2017 · 06/05/2017 14:16

He's no good as a father to your daughter then. I know that might be hard to hear, and you feel bad for her. This can only prove you're doing the right thing. People will also see him for what he is, if he's not bothering with her.

Secretlife0fbees · 06/05/2017 15:52

I just caught up on this thread, you should be so immensely proud of yourself!!! You realise that you have just taught your dc one of the most important lessons in life!!? Someone treats you like shit and they don't get to share your life anymore. I was thinking to myself the other day that I may have even saved my kids from entering into abusive relationships when they're older by being the best role model a growing girl can have!!! This is sooooo important for your daughters. THAT's a MASSIVE THING. You're living proof that you don't accept shit from men. Think about that!!!Flowers

Ricecrispies16 · 06/05/2017 16:03

How can anyone just turn their backs on their own child?! Angry she's such a gorgeous; loving and affectionate little thing, I just don't get how he has gone 6 days after seeing her every day when he lived here. He doesn't deserve her. I'm going to make a little video detailing everything that has happened to show her when she's older incase this is it and he never wants to see her again, then it will be easier to explain everything to her when the questions inevitably come. I'm so angry for her and so sad that the last two years of my life have been a lie. I'm considering blocking him on everything I possibly can so I can just relax. I'm on edge constantly looking at my phone or when it pings my heart jumps up into my throats incase it's him. I'm so scared he will send me something awful and send me plummeting back to square one. The anxiety is awful

OP posts:
Secretlife0fbees · 06/05/2017 16:12

He doesn't deserve her, that is true. This first few weeks while everything settles down is the worst bit imo. Just give yourself some time, stop panicking. Why don't you do the freedom programme online? It costs a tenner and you can do it multiple times. You'll get through this part

Ricecrispies16 · 06/05/2017 19:08

What's the freedom programme?

OP posts:
Secretlife0fbees · 06/05/2017 19:44

www.freedomprogramme.co.uk/

It's not just for physical violence but any type of emotional abuse. It helps to put things in perspective (imo)

Ricecrispies16 · 08/05/2017 17:07

I need some advice. It's took a week but he's finally asked to see the baby. She doesn't know his family and for me it needs to be slow and steady so he's coming here tomorrow for an hour to spend time with her. I said he can do that providing there will be no hostility. What do I do? Leave the room while he's here? Be polite?

OP posts:
category12 · 08/05/2017 17:34

Couldn't he take her out for a spin in her pushchair round the park or something? It's decent weather.

Otherwise I'd just leave him with her and sit elsewhere.

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