Is it my fault?

[Ricecrispies16]

Kind of a wwyd but also need some help to keep my head straight.

My partner of two years is treating me like shit. Argument after argument it's wearing me down. Every time I say I'm upset about something he doesn't want to hear it then turns it all round on me. The latest is this...

Yesterday I bumped into him on the start of his lunch break at work, instead of stopping to talk for a minute he just says he in a rush scurried off. It left me feeling a bit miffed that he couldn't stop for even a minute to have a chat with me, ask how the baby is (she was with me) or even ask how I am (I'm dosed up on painkillers and antibiotics for my ear, been really poorly for a few days now). I think that after all the bickering lately it upset me that he couldn't take one minute of his lunch break to actually acknowledge me. Then went on his break, I half expected a text message just explaining that he was in a rush etc etc but nothing. His break was half an hour long. So I sent a message that was lighthearted but showed that I felt a bit about it and he went off on one. Now apparently he does so much for me, treats me so well etc even said "if I'm that bad then why you still with me eh?" I replied that given the way he's treating me I don't even know. He's clung to that with all his might and now I am to blame for the whole thing. He got home from work yesterday and went straight upstairs to the bedroom, shut the door and didn't even speak to me, didn't come down, nothing. This morning he's not even looked at me, not spoke a word, wouldn't even be in the same room as me. When I left his afternoon to go out I said goodbye and he said nothing, so I asked if he's really going to just ignore me and he viciously said "I said cya!" Again wouldn't even look at me. Since that I messaged him saying that I can't believe this is he treatment I get for saying that I was a bit upset that I basically got ignored by him at work and he's going on and on again about how he treats me so well, is so good to me etc etc. He tried to call my bluff telling me that if I'm so unhappy to go and find a man that will treat me better since he treats me like shit. So I said I'm not prepared to spend another night being made to feel inferior and not even good enough to be in the same room as and it that I refuse to live like that, got home and he's ignoring me again.

Fucking had enough I really have. I'm on the brink of just ending it but I don't know how. We had a bad break up about a year ago and he has this way of making me feel like I'm the worst person in the world, it's my fault and the last time he literally reduced me to bits, I had to go to my mums because I felt like I was about to fall apart. I just don't feel ready to face those feelings again. That's what's holding me back.

Am I right in thinking that regardless of how he feels I've done something wrong, it's completely out of order to just disappear to the bedroom and not be in the same room as me? He will say it's my fault for how I was yesterday. He will convince me that it is my fault. I can't face it. I have no idea how I've become so weak.

So, am I in the wrong? And wwyd?

Just wanted to say, of course in cold light of day you wonder how/why it's happened, and a relationship being over will knock the stuffing out of you, so if you want to wallow the odd night with booze and chocolate then that's ok!

But writing a plan and getting ready for the next chapter in your life (with or without a man) are good plans! And being happy that someone who doesn't want to be with you is gone.

((Un Mumsnetty hugs))

Glad he went without causing any issues.
Well done.
Now get some things done today.
Council to get your council tax reduced to single adult (25% discount)
Have a look at 'entitledto' website.
Work out what he should be paying maintenance HERE

The fact your mum 'can't stand him' says it all really.

You'll have some down times today and over the next few months.
You will need to look after yourself.
You won't want to eat and I found solid food really hard to swallow.
Sugary tea and ice-lollies got me through.
Try smoothies and some toast if you can.
Just plan something for each hour for now and then go from there.

Good luck - and here's to your new happy, abuse free life!

How you doing Rice?

I'm not going to lie, finding it tough. I don't have a lot of family and only a couple friends so I feel very very lonely. I'm hurting because it was so easy for him, means I never really meant anything anyway. I've come to the conclusion today though that he was waiting for me to end it, perhaps even treating me bad so I would end it so that he wouldn't have to explain to anyone that he had left me, it's easier for him to say I made him leave. Truth is I don't think he was coping with the responsibility and I answered his prayers when I told him to leave

for you OP.
Keep busy and with time it'll get easier x

plenty of people here for you.

For easy read spineless. it is not a reflection on you.
Try not to dwell on how easily he walked away. That way madness lies. Think only about how your life is going to get better.

Could you up and leave your children that easily? I couldn't. He's either playing a longer game than you or had mentally checked out a long time ago.
I know this must feel grim and lonely. It is temporary. Keep taking to us. Actually, don't just talk to us. Throw yourself into other threads. That can waste ages. How are you doing on thinking about you? Not him? You.
Tell us about you.

I just can't seem to stop thinking about it all. One minute I'm fine, the next upset. This morning I'm angry! Half 5 the kids had me up, I'm so mentally exhausted trying to put on a brave face, pretending to be happy. He's at his mums having his arse wiped for him while I'm here picking up the pieces wondering what I did that was so wrong. I just want to stop thinking about it. I'm trying my best to be "normal" for my children but then my 3yo old decides 5:30 is the ideal time to get up and then I'm angry that I'm here, forced to carry on with it all. Both their dads are useless wastes of space. 3yo dad is on a family holiday with his new family, she wasn't invited, I don't know why but I'll be making my voice heard when he's back. Just so sick of having the piss took out of me by arseholes. The bastard I threw out hasn't even asked how baby is or when he can see her. I'm just so angry. I just feel like I can't do it, I can't cope with it all.

I am sorry to keep moaning on but it's so therapeutic to get it all out. You ladies are lovely and I'm so thankful you are all willing to listen to me. There are some good people in this world.

Just remember who you're doing it for .
I know it's hard I'm doing it at the minute but I keep myself positive by knowing when my son is older he will KNOW who did EVERYTHING and who didn't!
It is soooo difficult at first but in the end it is so worth it . 6 months on I am so much happier

OP - I've seen it before on here and it really resonates; be the parent who stays.

He is spineless, and feckless, and will have NO relationship with his own children in the future, lazy git.

A man who leaves his child's home without a hoover is a twat imo. I remember when me and exp split he was quibbling over the kettle and toaster ffs even though he was going to his mums! I knew in that second we were doing the right thing. What kind of petty twat would leave me without the ability to make myself a cup of tea and his daughter a bit of toast? He took the tv of course and I didn't give a shit about that, but to remove essential appliances like that is just arsehole behaviour.

Op I also want to say what Ptumbi said. Be the parent who stays.
My boys are 17and 16 now. My ex also left. My boys and I had hard times as I was the only one they could rage at. Ex let them down over and over again but I was the one being called all names under the sun.
6 years on from when ex left the kids no longer see him. I remind them every month to send a quick message but they ignore him mostly.
My ex has missed out on two amazing kids and it's his loss. The boys have grown up in to lovely young men who treat women well and have normal lives. If ex was still here they would have turned out just like him.
Your kids will remember that you were the one to stick around and that you were or are the one to look after them. They will know that you never walked out on them and were always there. Children see it all and they know who sticks.
It will be hard to start with and there will be times you just want to scream. It's all normal and it does get better. At the end of it all you get to watch your little ones grow up and you will have an amazing bond with them. You get all those special moments with your children and wont have to share or miss out on them.

I am sorry to keep moaning on but it's so therapeutic to get it all out. You ladies are lovely and I'm so thankful you are all willing to listen to me. There are some good people in this world.

You carry on venting. You're doing amazingly! Here to listen and help you through this. You're sounding a very strong woman, much much different to your first post. Compare your first post to your last post

Please post on here as often as you like. Everyone on here has either been through something similar or is going through it too.

Having your kids play up when you are already feeling down and stressed does not help but be kind to yourself and don't feel guilty about this. Its very early days too and you feel like you're doing it all on your own at the moment. Hopefully he will see sense and start to arrange access to the children, which will give you the well deserved rest you need.
Always think of the very worst times with him when doubt creeps in. No-one expects you to be happy yet, this will come in time.

It's very early days and it's very very raw right now.
You will swing from being super strong to a gibbering wreck in the space of a few seconds.
It's totally normal.
I agree with PP's.
I ended my marriage due to a lying cheat and my DD blamed me for a while.
She's now one my best friends and an awesome 19 YO.
She was totally vile for a few years but she loves me to pieces.
Her DDad on the other hand.... Well she hates him. Hasn't spoken to him for a long time now.
She knows it was all him.
He's gone on to do it again and again!

You will get through it.
It won't seem like it but please lean on family and friends.
They will want to help you.

As the saying goes:-
You don't know how strong you are until being strong is your only option!

Keep venting. Keep writing all your feelings down.
We've been there and got the t-shirt so we can all listen and support!

It is still raw. Funny how things just keep going over and over in your head isn't it. I've just moved all my clothes around into what was his half of the wardrobes, that felt good. Still can't believe he's not asked about the baby, every time I look at her I get angry at him for not seeming bothered.

I've discovered he also took the plasters and one of the chocolate bunnys that was bought for the baby. I've also been childishly unfriended on Facebook

His petulance knows no bounds!

He took the chocolate bunny!

This was not the action of a man - or a parent.
This was another - very difficult- child you had to deal with - not your equal and certainly not your partner.

No doubt he will be back when his mother grows tired of him - and he is irritated by her.

Stay strong. Your children will grow up without him as a model for their own future partners. They will be able to look for someone more like you.

Take care of yourself.
Thrive without this burden of a person.

Make a positive list too - of things you are now free to do and try in the next adventure.

It's day three and not a single word has escaped his vile mouth about the baby.

I'm dropping his tat off tomorrow morning and have a good mind to write a letter to stick to the bag going into detail about why he's a total shit. Better still, post it with no name on the front so his family know the truth. I'm so angry

No don't do that, he will love your reaction and revel in telling everyone how unreasonable you are.
Write your letter but don't send it.
Clothes to a charity shop.
You are doing BRILLIANTLY.

Please don;t give him the satisfaction of knowing how angry/upset you are. Dump his stuff and say nothing. That will unnerve him more. Its up to him to make contact now. Hold you head up and be the better person. He will make contact eventually, I guarantee. Keep strong and don't give in.

Agree with others; write a letter if you must but don't give/send it to him. Just ignore him -people like him hate being ignored.
You're doing so well OP; keep distracting yourself with the kids/ Mumsnet/tv/reading.

Ok so no letter. I can't believe he's not asked about the baby yet. When I text him telling him to leave I said I would be in touch regarding the baby and obviously I haven't. So my guess is he will just say that it's my fault for not getting in touch and that he was "waiting" the whole time.