Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Is it my fault?

186 replies

Ricecrispies16 · 30/04/2017 19:01

Kind of a wwyd but also need some help to keep my head straight.

My partner of two years is treating me like shit. Argument after argument it's wearing me down. Every time I say I'm upset about something he doesn't want to hear it then turns it all round on me. The latest is this...

Yesterday I bumped into him on the start of his lunch break at work, instead of stopping to talk for a minute he just says he in a rush scurried off. It left me feeling a bit miffed that he couldn't stop for even a minute to have a chat with me, ask how the baby is (she was with me) or even ask how I am (I'm dosed up on painkillers and antibiotics for my ear, been really poorly for a few days now). I think that after all the bickering lately it upset me that he couldn't take one minute of his lunch break to actually acknowledge me. Then went on his break, I half expected a text message just explaining that he was in a rush etc etc but nothing. His break was half an hour long. So I sent a message that was lighthearted but showed that I felt a bit Hmm about it and he went off on one. Now apparently he does so much for me, treats me so well etc even said "if I'm that bad then why you still with me eh?" I replied that given the way he's treating me I don't even know. He's clung to that with all his might and now I am to blame for the whole thing. He got home from work yesterday and went straight upstairs to the bedroom, shut the door and didn't even speak to me, didn't come down, nothing. This morning he's not even looked at me, not spoke a word, wouldn't even be in the same room as me. When I left his afternoon to go out I said goodbye and he said nothing, so I asked if he's really going to just ignore me and he viciously said "I said cya!" Again wouldn't even look at me. Since that I messaged him saying that I can't believe this is he treatment I get for saying that I was a bit upset that I basically got ignored by him at work and he's going on and on again about how he treats me so well, is so good to me etc etc. He tried to call my bluff telling me that if I'm so unhappy to go and find a man that will treat me better since he treats me like shit. So I said I'm not prepared to spend another night being made to feel inferior and not even good enough to be in the same room as and it that I refuse to live like that, got home and he's ignoring me again.

Fucking had enough I really have. I'm on the brink of just ending it but I don't know how. We had a bad break up about a year ago and he has this way of making me feel like I'm the worst person in the world, it's my fault and the last time he literally reduced me to bits, I had to go to my mums because I felt like I was about to fall apart. I just don't feel ready to face those feelings again. That's what's holding me back.

Am I right in thinking that regardless of how he feels I've done something wrong, it's completely out of order to just disappear to the bedroom and not be in the same room as me? He will say it's my fault for how I was yesterday. He will convince me that it is my fault. I can't face it. I have no idea how I've become so weak.

So, am I in the wrong? And wwyd?

OP posts:
Ricecrispies16 · 30/04/2017 22:09

Thank you all for your advice and helping me to see things a bit clearer

OP posts:
Secretlife0fbees · 30/04/2017 22:10

Right it is gonna be pretty shit for a bit, but the end result will be worth every second. You say you split up a year ago... why did you get back together? Me and my stbx split up about 5 years ago and I took him back because he basically bullshitted me and I believed he'd changed. He hadn't. They never do.

Ricecrispies16 · 30/04/2017 22:12

We got back together because he convinced me it was my fault. By the time he was done I was practically begging him to give ME another chance. It's pathetic, I feel so ashamed.

A man that can't even bare to touch me during an argument isn't a man that can possibly love me is it?

OP posts:
dataandspot · 30/04/2017 22:16

Your children are only young and he is ruining this time for you.

Don't waste your life like I did. Get out and make a happy life.

ExplodedCloud · 30/04/2017 22:37

You're actually in a reasonable position. You are holding the cards by the house and car being in your name. You're the primary care giver.

JK1773 · 30/04/2017 22:44

I agree with data, don't waste any more of your time with this child. You can and will be happy in the future. You'll go through some shit to get there but it's sooooo worth it. You are in a strong position re the house. Kick his lazy immature arse out

Ricecrispies16 · 01/05/2017 06:48

I am in a good position, I made sure of it because part of me knew this would happen.

I don't know how to get him to leave. The children are here and it will turn nasty so I can't do anything. He's not back to work until Wednesday so there is nothing I can do

OP posts:
RueDeDay · 01/05/2017 06:58

I agree with pp's who say to stop engaging with him. Parent like a single parent with an annoying lodger... Stop passing the baby to him, get out and about to parks etc during the day, remove yourself from shared areas in the evening, sleeping in with kids if necessary.

While you're doing that, try to think calmly about how it would be best for you when and how he left. Once you know, eg moving stuff while kids are at school, tell him. If he kicks off, call the police.

TheWorldHasGoneToCake · 01/05/2017 07:39

OK, you just need to get through today and then presumably he'll go to work tomorrow?

Get up and ready and go out for the day with your little ones. Come back around tea time, speak only if he speaks to you (in front of children, otherwise ignore).

Once he's out to work tomorrow, start getting a plan in place. You can either get it all sorted tomorrow and pack his stuff etc or take more time with regards to legal advice etc.

Ricecrispies16 · 01/05/2017 07:46

He's not back to work until Wednesday Sad I don't want to sit around letting him think I'm a doormat

OP posts:
PollytheDolly · 01/05/2017 08:42

What's his plan for today?

Ricecrispies16 · 01/05/2017 08:48

I have no idea. He is fast asleep on the sofa at the moment.

OP posts:
Kennethnoisewater · 01/05/2017 08:56

It's an ideal time then isn't it if he's not at work? Gives him plenty of time to pack his stuff and move out to his mums. It's YOUR house, he has no right to live there.
Wake him up, tell him you're going out for the day and you want him gone when you get back. Brace yourself though for the 'aw come on, you're over reacting' type response though, he'll panic because he doesn't believe you're strong enough to end it, he thinks you'll put up with his shit for years! Show him you're good enough to love and be touched, that you have enough respect for yourself and your children to not be treated like shit on his shoe.

Roundandroundwegoagain · 01/05/2017 09:09

Wow, this sounds like my life to a tee with the added bonus of alcohol dependency thrown in. Your post has been really helpful OP.

Ricecrispies16 · 01/05/2017 09:44

Round I'm sorry to hear you are also going through this, it seems to be that there's so many of us in this situation.

OP posts:
PollytheDolly · 01/05/2017 09:44

What Kenneth said.

And say just what you need to say and don't engage further or get into any kind of manipulative conversation with him.

Ricecrispies16 · 01/05/2017 09:45

He's currently playing with my daughter, it's took us so long to get her to a stage where she actually likes him, we finally get there and bam he fucks up. Every morning she asks where he is, how do I explain to a 3yo that he's gone

OP posts:
PollytheDolly · 01/05/2017 09:51

Please don't let her get involved in these cycles of abuse. You've just said it right there...it took her ages to like him and bam he's fucked up. He will keep doing this ad nauseum.

Of course it will be difficult but in the long run it's better for her to have a normal life with a happy mother than live in this toxic environment. Trust me she is picking up on what's going on.

Flowers
Bananamanfan · 01/05/2017 09:52

Agree with the pp. Arrange your time as if he is nothing to do with you. Do not engage with him or worry about what he is thinking, even when he starts being nice do not engage. Hopefully he'll get bored & get lost.

Ricecrispies16 · 01/05/2017 09:58

That's the plan for today, to pretend he's not here, completely deny his existence. Then when he eventually (today, tomorrow, Wednesday, whenever) says "are we actually Gona talk about this then!?" (Because you know, it'll be me that's been ignoring him, it takes two, I'm behaving like a child etc etc ) I'll just say no you're alright thanks, what are you still doing here?.

Grrr I'm angry inside that he is still ignoring me. But I suppose I actually am just as bad for ignoring him too

OP posts:
Redblankets · 01/05/2017 10:09

But I suppose I actually am just as bad for ignoring him too
^this

No comparison-you don't have a choice, he won't engage with you.

PollytheDolly · 01/05/2017 10:09

You're not just as bad, you are protecting yourself emotionally. There's a huge difference.

Violetcharlotte · 01/05/2017 10:25

Hi OP just been catching up on the thread. He sounds awful. Non of this is your fault, so please don't think it is. I was in a similar situation years ago so I know how horrible it is. Ignoring him back and avoiding him is a good coping mechanism, it's better than stating and trying to engage with him and ending up having a row.

I do think you should leave him, but only you will know when you're ready to do that. Take care of yourself x

Ricecrispies16 · 01/05/2017 11:04

If he refuses to leave and I threaten to call the police, what would the police actually do? If he's not causing a disturbance just refusing to go..?

OP posts:
TheWorldHasGoneToCake · 01/05/2017 11:22

Why don't you use the time that he's away to talk to Womans Aid or the DV unit of your police or even CAB? I'm sorry that I'm not really clued up on all these things but he's definitely abusive - even "if only" emotionally. That has recently become a crime.

Sending you strength

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.