Is it my fault?

[Ricecrispies16]

Kind of a wwyd but also need some help to keep my head straight.

My partner of two years is treating me like shit. Argument after argument it's wearing me down. Every time I say I'm upset about something he doesn't want to hear it then turns it all round on me. The latest is this...

Yesterday I bumped into him on the start of his lunch break at work, instead of stopping to talk for a minute he just says he in a rush scurried off. It left me feeling a bit miffed that he couldn't stop for even a minute to have a chat with me, ask how the baby is (she was with me) or even ask how I am (I'm dosed up on painkillers and antibiotics for my ear, been really poorly for a few days now). I think that after all the bickering lately it upset me that he couldn't take one minute of his lunch break to actually acknowledge me. Then went on his break, I half expected a text message just explaining that he was in a rush etc etc but nothing. His break was half an hour long. So I sent a message that was lighthearted but showed that I felt a bit about it and he went off on one. Now apparently he does so much for me, treats me so well etc even said "if I'm that bad then why you still with me eh?" I replied that given the way he's treating me I don't even know. He's clung to that with all his might and now I am to blame for the whole thing. He got home from work yesterday and went straight upstairs to the bedroom, shut the door and didn't even speak to me, didn't come down, nothing. This morning he's not even looked at me, not spoke a word, wouldn't even be in the same room as me. When I left his afternoon to go out I said goodbye and he said nothing, so I asked if he's really going to just ignore me and he viciously said "I said cya!" Again wouldn't even look at me. Since that I messaged him saying that I can't believe this is he treatment I get for saying that I was a bit upset that I basically got ignored by him at work and he's going on and on again about how he treats me so well, is so good to me etc etc. He tried to call my bluff telling me that if I'm so unhappy to go and find a man that will treat me better since he treats me like shit. So I said I'm not prepared to spend another night being made to feel inferior and not even good enough to be in the same room as and it that I refuse to live like that, got home and he's ignoring me again.

Fucking had enough I really have. I'm on the brink of just ending it but I don't know how. We had a bad break up about a year ago and he has this way of making me feel like I'm the worst person in the world, it's my fault and the last time he literally reduced me to bits, I had to go to my mums because I felt like I was about to fall apart. I just don't feel ready to face those feelings again. That's what's holding me back.

Am I right in thinking that regardless of how he feels I've done something wrong, it's completely out of order to just disappear to the bedroom and not be in the same room as me? He will say it's my fault for how I was yesterday. He will convince me that it is my fault. I can't face it. I have no idea how I've become so weak.

So, am I in the wrong? And wwyd?

Re the police.
Doesn't matter if he's not causing a disturbance. Your house and you've asked him to vacate it.

Right I've come out, just stopped at McDonald's to treat my 3yo. I'm going to send him a message asking him to be gone by the time we get back later. I'm not too sure how to word it, I want to be assertive but not aggressive.

Once again, thank you all for making me see that it's him and not me x

Well done Rice.

Just say in the text that you will be out until, say 2pm, and you would like him to have packed and left by the time you return. Ask him not to respond to your text and you won't be replying and to respect that it is your house and the relationship is over. You will be in contact soon regarding DCs.

I've done it. Instantly want to cry my eyes out. I know it needed doing but how did it come to this?

Perfectly natural to feel that way. You've done the right thing for yourself and your child you should be proud of yourself and your strength.

You have support here xx

Thank you. Just have to see if he actually leaves now. He's seen my message about 15 minutes ago and hasn't even tried to contact me. Perhaps he's packing but I'll be surprised if he leaves that easily. Or perhaps it's his green light to go.

Best of luck Rice. Try to detach from thoughts about why hasn't he tried to contact you. Just think about what is best for you and the DC. Stay calm and think about being in your house without being treated like this.

He might not take you seriously so don't bank on him being packed and gone (but I hope so). Just be firm and keep repeating that you would like him to leave and that your mind is made up.
Failing that, if you can't get him out and don't want to involve the police, just wait until he's at work and change the locks!
Please let us know how you are.

Seriously I'm being put off men for life. Why are there so many out there like this? My stbxp is and when I'm finally rid of him, I can't imagine ever trusting a man not to turn out like this. Once they are outed as abusive, they should be branded in some way.

The ridiculous thing is I can see what he's doing but feel so powerless to stop it. It's like I anticipate the things he will say, I know he will end up convincing me it's my fault but by he end of it it all I end up genuinely believing it is

He's done a complete number on you.

Stop fixating on what he is doing to you - it's horrendous! - and start getting your ducks in a row.

Wishing you all the best. You deserve so much more than this shit.
Terrible atmosphere to bring a child up in. He/she will thank you for giving the both of you a better life!

I've heard from him, he's going. No hesitation or anything. We were obviously on the same page

Isitjustme - I am put off for life too

It's good he is going. Today is the start of your new, happy life.

It will be hard at first, and be wary of him. He may be thinking he can worm his way back in like last time, hence his reaction right now. I wouldn't read too much into his responses right now.

I've also been in this position before Rice but without any dc involved. It seems like a life of turmoil and utter confusion but when you come out the other side you'll be so relieved to be rid of his shit behaviour.

I agree with Polly, he sounds as unpredictable as my stbxp. One minute he is being reasonable, the next vile. Once he's out of the house, this will be easier as you won't be under the same roof. Just make sure you change the locks straight away (and don't tell him).

He probably thinks he can go and then have you begging him to come back so he cements his control. Only this time you aren't alone...

You deserve the happiness that will inevitably come your way in the future.

You sound absolutely lovely and trust me there are men out there who will genuinely treasure you.

My ex had me convinced no one else would want me or put up with me. He couldn't have been more wrong!

My only regret is not spending enough time being single! It was much more fun than I thought it would be

I have asked him to leave his keys. He's informed me he's taking the tv because he bought it, not too fussed though as I have another in the garage. It's not as good but it'll do for now.

It's not really sunk in yet, I'm at my mums this afternoon and can't really talk to her about it, she despises him anyway and can't see past the "he's an arsehole so good riddance" I know he's a twat, I know he had to go but it doesn't stop me feeling sad. It will hurt more when I get home and see all his things gone and then when the kids are in bed and I'm alone in my thoughts that's when it'll get me. But I know it's coming so I'm trying to prepare myself for what's coming.

Have you got the car keys?

Yes I've got the car with me

I think it is a sign that your mum does not like him. You will get through tonight. Lean on MN when you need to.

Phew! That's one thing less to worry about. Do check he's left any spare car keys, paperwork etc when you get home and possibly get something like the old Krooklok things just in case he asks someone else to collect it. Sorry to sound mercenary but as you said it will make your life tricky and he must know that.
So last night you had nobody to talk to because you were being ignored. Tonight you'll have no atmosphere and no overgrown child playing on his phone. Maybe spend tonight writing down how awful things have been so when you feel low you can remind yourself not to go backwards. Think about things you haven't done or enjoyed because he's ruined them and make a list of stuff you will do, meals you like, DVDs to watch, books to read. The stick on some music and have a dance. NoCapes had a playlist for just this scenario.

reading this really rooting for you op! well done on sending that text. i know how hard it must have been.

Just wanted to say you have done so well. I'm really pleased you have found the strength to do this. You and your dc will be happier sooner than you know x

Well done Telling him to go must have been very hard for you. Sometimes it's easier to cling to a bad relationship rather than be alone. You've made the right choice though for you and your LO, and you're going to be absolutely fine. I've been where you are and come out the other side. In time you'll look back and wonder how you put up with him as long as you did.

Stay strong and talk to us in here whenever you have a wobble. There's lots of us who have been there and we'll be here support you x