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Original poster

Is it my fault?

186 replies

Ricecrispies16 · 30/04/2017 19:01

Kind of a wwyd but also need some help to keep my head straight.

My partner of two years is treating me like shit. Argument after argument it's wearing me down. Every time I say I'm upset about something he doesn't want to hear it then turns it all round on me. The latest is this...

Yesterday I bumped into him on the start of his lunch break at work, instead of stopping to talk for a minute he just says he in a rush scurried off. It left me feeling a bit miffed that he couldn't stop for even a minute to have a chat with me, ask how the baby is (she was with me) or even ask how I am (I'm dosed up on painkillers and antibiotics for my ear, been really poorly for a few days now). I think that after all the bickering lately it upset me that he couldn't take one minute of his lunch break to actually acknowledge me. Then went on his break, I half expected a text message just explaining that he was in a rush etc etc but nothing. His break was half an hour long. So I sent a message that was lighthearted but showed that I felt a bit Hmm about it and he went off on one. Now apparently he does so much for me, treats me so well etc even said "if I'm that bad then why you still with me eh?" I replied that given the way he's treating me I don't even know. He's clung to that with all his might and now I am to blame for the whole thing. He got home from work yesterday and went straight upstairs to the bedroom, shut the door and didn't even speak to me, didn't come down, nothing. This morning he's not even looked at me, not spoke a word, wouldn't even be in the same room as me. When I left his afternoon to go out I said goodbye and he said nothing, so I asked if he's really going to just ignore me and he viciously said "I said cya!" Again wouldn't even look at me. Since that I messaged him saying that I can't believe this is he treatment I get for saying that I was a bit upset that I basically got ignored by him at work and he's going on and on again about how he treats me so well, is so good to me etc etc. He tried to call my bluff telling me that if I'm so unhappy to go and find a man that will treat me better since he treats me like shit. So I said I'm not prepared to spend another night being made to feel inferior and not even good enough to be in the same room as and it that I refuse to live like that, got home and he's ignoring me again.

Fucking had enough I really have. I'm on the brink of just ending it but I don't know how. We had a bad break up about a year ago and he has this way of making me feel like I'm the worst person in the world, it's my fault and the last time he literally reduced me to bits, I had to go to my mums because I felt like I was about to fall apart. I just don't feel ready to face those feelings again. That's what's holding me back.

Am I right in thinking that regardless of how he feels I've done something wrong, it's completely out of order to just disappear to the bedroom and not be in the same room as me? He will say it's my fault for how I was yesterday. He will convince me that it is my fault. I can't face it. I have no idea how I've become so weak.

So, am I in the wrong? And wwyd?

OP posts:
ExplodedCloud · 30/04/2017 20:28

Are you absolutely sure he's not 8?

MinorRSole · 30/04/2017 20:28

Wow he really wants you to know that expressing discontent is against his rules. What a twat.

LanaDReye · 30/04/2017 20:30

Agree with Polly. He knows.

His need for control and to be right mean you have to be wrong and therefore feel guilty. Having been with a man-child 'victim' before (exH) and having dated a similar man I think that it is the man's lack of self-esteem that makes him want control.

Original poster
Ricecrispies16 · 30/04/2017 20:32

The thing is, he will tell me he is behaving like this because it is ME that has upset him

OP posts:
Original poster
Ricecrispies16 · 30/04/2017 20:32

Soon as the baby is in bed I will be coming up to bed too.

I'm certain though that this behaviour of his is not justified, even if he does genuinely think it's my fault

OP posts:
PollytheDolly · 30/04/2017 20:35

The thing is, he will tell me he is behaving like this because it is ME that has upset him

Of course he will. But I know and everyone else on this thread knows it's a lie. You need to know this too, he is making you doubt yourself. Do not give him that power.

JK1773 · 30/04/2017 20:36

Its manipulative in the extreme. He's a child. You'll be much more happy and relaxed on your own than putting up with this absolutely pathetic behaviour. He sounds like an immature moron.

Hidingtonothing · 30/04/2017 20:36

Yep, all completely intentional, he wants you to feel so shit that you'll apologise and try to smooth things over just so the bad atmosphere goes away.

QuiteLikely5 · 30/04/2017 20:47

Op

This man won't change; his behaviour is designed to show you who's boss - next time he wants you to keep quiet and not mention his behaviour.

And if you stay - you will be too afraid incase he does this to you - so you will literally tolerate being treat like shit so you can avoid being starved of affection

What he did was downright rude and not the way normal, healthy people treat their families.

If you stay - you will be in for more of the same

PollytheDolly · 30/04/2017 21:00

Yep, all completely intentional, he wants you to feel so shit that you'll apologise and try to smooth things over just so the bad atmosphere goes away.

And then the cycle will begin again.

PollytheDolly · 30/04/2017 21:02

*Copied from a blog:
*
I have been married to a passive aggressive man for the last 7 yrs. Withholding, along with denial, blame, resistance and making excuses are all a part of daily life, that is unless I keep my mouth shut and don’t bring up anything uncomfortable for him, which is most topics that need to be discussed within the marriage. The withholding comes in as a form of course as control, and moreso, for punishment. Withholding communication, affection, empathy, commitment and most of all…..love. The more I kick and scream about it – the more he withholds. If I am silent, then I just feel even more depressed and repressed. Yes, the emotional pain is excruciating and the self esteem is at an all time low. But then of course, that is their intended outcome. The more we hurt, the more control they will have over us. The crazy thing is that the underlying cause for this destructive, withholding behavior is fear. Absolute fear of being vulnerable and fear of being left, abandoned or even worse – being controlled by another! It is much easier for them to be the one leaving rather than being the one being left. The women who pair up with these types are believe it or not , very special. They are kind, nurturing, empathetic, giving, patient, and above all, committed. Passive aggressive, withholding men are attracted to woman who can do all emotionally that they cannot. Unfortunately I have learned the hard way that no matter how much I try, the behavior does not change. It has been a part of his personality, part of his identity for far too long. I liken it to someone with a drug or alcohol addiction. If they can admit to themselves that they have a problem that is destroying themselves and their families, then there may be a chance. But of course along with the behavior comes denial and blame, so self actualization and admittance is totally a a foreign concept.

Original poster
Ricecrispies16 · 30/04/2017 21:06

It gets worse. He's just come outside to me and said "we not got any baby wipes!?!" So I said they're in her drawer and he just slammed the hack door. It's really made me mad! I asked why he's banging and he claims he wasn't. He just passed the baby to me and I saw him visibly move his fingers so he didn't have to touch me. Fine by me. I almost want to cry, but I think it's the anger. I really want to send him a message telling him not to come to bed, to stay downstairs and that tomorrow he's gone.

I'm upstairs now and won't be going back down.

OP posts:
Hidingtonothing · 30/04/2017 21:08

This is no way to live Rice Sad

Original poster
Ricecrispies16 · 30/04/2017 21:14

I know Sad

OP posts:
Secretlife0fbees · 30/04/2017 21:19

Rice - I'm around 4 months out of a relationship like this. I started getting counselling about a year ago because I was an absolute confused/manipulated mess. I didn't know whether it was all my fault or not but eventually I started to understand the behaviour and it became clearer to me. Even when we split up and he left it I KNEW 100% it wasn't me but still when you have been controlled and manipulated for years it's not as easy as just saying something to yourself and believing it. I will tell you this though... every day he is not here messing with my head it gets easier, I hardly ever doubt myself now and I have started to just see him properly for what he really is.
Make the decision, remember that it'll take a while for it to all sink in and you can see clearly again but YOU WILL. I promise. You just need to get through that first bit which omg is sooooooooo worth it. If you can get access to any counselling do it.
Read books on abusive men and that will also help with the healing process.
Honestly love, he's a head fuck and he will ruin yours and your kids lives if you allow it.

Original poster
Ricecrispies16 · 30/04/2017 21:25

I'm done with him. It can't go on, the refusing to touch me thing has really got to me. Also, just been trying to settle the baby upstairs, she was crying, he made no attempt to come help, even though he's been home alone all day and I've had her with me all day long. So I took her downstairs to him and low and behold the lounge door is shut and he's sat playing the fucking Xbox in the dark like a child. You'd think he'd want to spend some time with her or put her to bed seeing as he hasn't spent any time with her all day.

I can not believe this is how he treats me. I'm so upset and angry. I can't ask him to leave because it will erupt and both the children will be around tomorrow. So what the fuck do I do?!

OP posts:
Secretlife0fbees · 30/04/2017 21:42

You need to start making a plan. Don't do anything rash right now, just make your decision and then get things sorted. You know what you need to do, does he have somewhere to go? Do you have your own money etc etc
Don't try and make sense of him, you won't succeed. My stbxh I have realised was Never happy with anything and I wasted so long trying to work out what would make him happy, but nothing did. On the face of it my stbx had EVERY reason to make our marriage work... we had money, 2 great kids, a lovely house and good jobs and loads of friends etc but even when we achieved all that it was all wrong and he was a miserable abusive cunt. Stop trying to make any sense of it. It's not you it's HIM.

Original poster
Ricecrispies16 · 30/04/2017 21:50

It's like it goes in cycles. 2 days ago we were fine really. My car broke a couple months ago so this month we decided he would buy us a car and I'd pay all the bills, rent etc this month (he gets paid monthly, I get paid weekly so it made sense to do it this way) fast forward two days later this is where we are. If we split can he take the car? I really need it to get my eldest to nursery, clubs etc

He will become very difficult, im dreading it.

He will go back to his mums house, the house we are in is mine

OP posts:
Salemthecat · 30/04/2017 21:50

This has been a real eye opener for my OP. My partner treats me like this all the time and I'm am getting so depressed and stressed worrying where and when the next argument will come from which will inevitably be all my fault. I hope you manage to leave x

Original poster
Ricecrispies16 · 30/04/2017 21:50

The house is solely in my name*

OP posts:
Original poster
Ricecrispies16 · 30/04/2017 21:51

Salem I'm sorry to hear you are going through the same x

OP posts:
Hidingtonothing · 30/04/2017 22:00

Sorry for questions Rice but do you own your house or rent and are you married? Agree with Secret, you need to start making a plan but say nothing to him about it until you're ready to implement it. You need to have made all your decisions and protected yourself financially and legally as much as possible before you tell him it's over or he will try to twist everything to his own advantage. Give him no warning and present what you want to happen as a done deal when you're ready. As for the car I would guess it will depend who it's registered to.

Hermonie2016 · 30/04/2017 22:03

How many dc do you have?

Best for you to remain calm and plan.Think about how you will end it, consider the car..is it in your name? Can you get it transferred? Even if you need to wait it's better than losing more than you need.

Don't engage with him..he is looking for an argument, wanting to be angry at you which will just upset you.Be neutral and it will disarm him.
Long term you have to accept he has issues, which you can't fix, no matter how much you want to.

It seems to be so common as I have left a similar marriage.

Hermonie2016 · 30/04/2017 22:04

Polly, thanks for posting that blog.Its so accurate.

Original poster
Ricecrispies16 · 30/04/2017 22:08

We rent, the tenancy is in my name. We aren't married, the car is registered to me (he doesn't/can't drive).

OP posts:
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