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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Is it my fault?

186 replies

Ricecrispies16 · 30/04/2017 19:01

Kind of a wwyd but also need some help to keep my head straight.

My partner of two years is treating me like shit. Argument after argument it's wearing me down. Every time I say I'm upset about something he doesn't want to hear it then turns it all round on me. The latest is this...

Yesterday I bumped into him on the start of his lunch break at work, instead of stopping to talk for a minute he just says he in a rush scurried off. It left me feeling a bit miffed that he couldn't stop for even a minute to have a chat with me, ask how the baby is (she was with me) or even ask how I am (I'm dosed up on painkillers and antibiotics for my ear, been really poorly for a few days now). I think that after all the bickering lately it upset me that he couldn't take one minute of his lunch break to actually acknowledge me. Then went on his break, I half expected a text message just explaining that he was in a rush etc etc but nothing. His break was half an hour long. So I sent a message that was lighthearted but showed that I felt a bit Hmm about it and he went off on one. Now apparently he does so much for me, treats me so well etc even said "if I'm that bad then why you still with me eh?" I replied that given the way he's treating me I don't even know. He's clung to that with all his might and now I am to blame for the whole thing. He got home from work yesterday and went straight upstairs to the bedroom, shut the door and didn't even speak to me, didn't come down, nothing. This morning he's not even looked at me, not spoke a word, wouldn't even be in the same room as me. When I left his afternoon to go out I said goodbye and he said nothing, so I asked if he's really going to just ignore me and he viciously said "I said cya!" Again wouldn't even look at me. Since that I messaged him saying that I can't believe this is he treatment I get for saying that I was a bit upset that I basically got ignored by him at work and he's going on and on again about how he treats me so well, is so good to me etc etc. He tried to call my bluff telling me that if I'm so unhappy to go and find a man that will treat me better since he treats me like shit. So I said I'm not prepared to spend another night being made to feel inferior and not even good enough to be in the same room as and it that I refuse to live like that, got home and he's ignoring me again.

Fucking had enough I really have. I'm on the brink of just ending it but I don't know how. We had a bad break up about a year ago and he has this way of making me feel like I'm the worst person in the world, it's my fault and the last time he literally reduced me to bits, I had to go to my mums because I felt like I was about to fall apart. I just don't feel ready to face those feelings again. That's what's holding me back.

Am I right in thinking that regardless of how he feels I've done something wrong, it's completely out of order to just disappear to the bedroom and not be in the same room as me? He will say it's my fault for how I was yesterday. He will convince me that it is my fault. I can't face it. I have no idea how I've become so weak.

So, am I in the wrong? And wwyd?

OP posts:
TheWorldHasGoneToCake · 01/05/2017 15:02

Well done and good luck!

Desmondo2016 · 01/05/2017 15:10

Wow well done! You've shown great strength!

MinorRSole · 01/05/2017 16:48

That's what I did explodedcloud, I wrote in a little book all the things that came to me over the next few weeks. Even things like buying the kids shoes and not having to explain myself over it.
After a few weeks he started playing silly buggers, texting at 2am threatening suicide etc. That book kept me strong and got me through it.

Ricecrispies16 · 01/05/2017 16:53

Got home about an hour ago, he took his tv, most of his clothes, a picture of my daughter and him that was hanging on the wall and the Hoover!! He's left his Xbox though so that's going straight on Gumtree to replace the Hoover.

Seething yet still a bit glum. What a prick

OP posts:
Gingerbreadmam · 01/05/2017 16:59

xbox on gumtree? now you're talking haha! hoover was a bit random to take.

MinorRSole · 01/05/2017 17:02

Has he ever used it? No doubt the clothes and Xbox are an excuse to come back though

Ricecrispies16 · 01/05/2017 17:14

He took the Hoover because he bought it. He's left all his old scraggy clothes that he's done with for me to dispose of so I've bagged them and will be taking a trip there after the nursery run tomorrow to throw them at his doorstep.

OP posts:
PollytheDolly · 01/05/2017 17:41

Hoover?

I'd say that just about sums him up.Hmm

Excellent idea about writing it all down in the book.

PollytheDolly · 01/05/2017 17:46

No doubt the clothes and Xbox are an excuse to come back though

My thinking exactly.

isitjustme2017 · 01/05/2017 17:51

He took the hoover over the Xbox? wow.

Violetcharlotte · 01/05/2017 18:18

I'm shocked he left the XBox Shock Do you think that's an excuse to come back? I'm glad he's gone, but prepare yourself for the fact he might start phoning/ texting/ banging on the door in a few days once it's had a chance to sink in you're not going to beg him to come back. Thankfully as it's your house you don't have to let him in and can block any calls/ texts, etc

As others have said, write down all the things you hate about him. Anytime you're feeling your resolve weakening you can look at it and remind yourself why you're so much better of without him.

Maybe tomorrow you could exorcise him from your home? Chuck out any of his stuff he's not taken, change your sheets, give everything a good clean, get yourself a nice scented candle... make it your home again x

SuperFlyHigh · 01/05/2017 18:21

Well done for doing this!

Now stay strong and don't let this creep back in your life (apart from to see your DD), get the XBox on Gumtree ASAP!

PollytheDolly · 01/05/2017 18:24

What man would leave his beloved Xbox if he thought for one second this was permanent and swap it for a Hoover instead?

He's in for a surprise.

Ricecrispies16 · 01/05/2017 18:29

That's the plan, going to change all the bedding, wash my dressing gowns (sounds daft but he always used to steal them), clean the house and write myself a letter to read when I feel myself missing him. I'm going to write a plan tonight of things I want to achieve and draw up a routine of some sort to help me adjust to doing it all on my own.

When he received my message telling him I leave he told me he was taking the tv because he bought it so I told him to leave the Xbox because I bought that (not that I play it, it was for him!) didn't stop him taking the batteries though.

He's text me a couple of times just about formalities, baby etc and he's being really pleasant, polite and amicable. Not what i expected.

Xbox is on Gumtree and I'm browsing for a Hoover as we speak.

OP posts:
PollytheDolly · 01/05/2017 18:31

Well done Rice. You're doing great!

Perhaps a Wine later?

isitjustme2017 · 01/05/2017 18:57

Good for you! You can do this. Why not write a list of things you would love in a partner. What attributes would he have and how would he treat you? Then compare that list to your current partner.

ExplodedCloud · 01/05/2017 19:20

He's probably setting the scene to play the wounded innocent with his OH so reasonable texts. I suppose there's an outside chance he is glad it's over but it would be odd given his behaviour. Still keep any replies neutral and don't give him ammunition. You don't need to offer anything other than information he requests. So baby is fine would be enough.

Kennethnoisewater · 01/05/2017 19:22

Well he sucked all the fun, love and joy out of your life so it's quite appropriate that he took the hoover.....

Gingerbreadmam · 01/05/2017 20:01

i can vouch for vax hoovers. good and cheap. check.amazon and groupon theyre often on offer.

Ricecrispies16 · 01/05/2017 20:54

Finally got the kids settled, baby has a stinking cold and was having none of it. Typical isn't it, the one time u need some time in the evening to sit and think about things, the kids won't go sleep!

As predicted I'm sat here feeling sorry for myself wondering why this all happened. I hope it starts getting easier really soon

OP posts:
Angelreid14 · 01/05/2017 21:02

He sounds like a spoilt child. That alone is a turn off enough to leave him. He is clearly one of these people that can't live without attention. Don't play into his hands, he is feeding off your reaction and he definitely knows what he is doing and is 100 percent pathetic.

ExplodedCloud · 01/05/2017 21:35

Have a quick look at what you were writing last night. Slamming doors. Exaggerated avoiding your touch. You were angry then. The adrenaline has worn off. You were in fight or flight mode and he suddenly threw in the towel. The sudden low after being so tended up and angry can make you feel sad. You will swing back to normal but it may take a few days to settle. A bit like a sugar high and then crash.

Ricecrispies16 · 01/05/2017 22:55

Exploded - thank you, that makes sense

OP posts:
ptumbi · 02/05/2017 07:40

Rice - it does get easier! The dc have probably picked up on the atmosphere, and are unsettled. Once you have a nice calm home again, it will get easier.

Ricecrispies16 · 02/05/2017 08:12

Let's hope so. Was speaking to my mum last night and she pointed out he is probably relieved because he couldn't cope with the responsibility of running a home and losing all your time to children. I seen on the dreaded Facebook messenger last night that he was up till about 3, he's not at work today so will fester in bed all day. It makes me angry that he's been able to just check out of his responsibilities so to speak. Men!!!!

OP posts:
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