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Original poster

Angry husband, what he hiding?

212 replies

Carrotpuree · 29/04/2017 07:55

My DH has been extra special lovely this last few days so was really looking forward to last night, glass of wine after DC went to bed. He said he needed to get some cash out for haircut first thing tomorrow but when I said I already had some in he could take he started making up reasons to still need to go tonight - none sensible. Then I said could he just stay in for one evening without going to the shop or the ATM and he absolutely exploded. He goes out during DCs bath time to run a errand 2/3 nights a week and then often goes out to run a 2nd after their bedtime while I'm cooking. I'm starting to get paranoid and judging by his reaction I think I may be right. DS woke up and so we both had a moment to step back so when DH returned I said sod it walk to the shop & get the cash, not sure how much I have a anyway (lie) and he went into stroppy toy taken off toddler mode. Won't go at all now etc etc WTF? I know him, angry attack is his defensive response. Any suggestions on how to recover the long weekend (he decided to sleep on the sofa) and get to the bottom of this?

OP posts:
hippyhippyshake · 29/04/2017 09:47

I immediately thought lazy git, trying to get out of bedtime/meal time routine. But I like the idea of phoning him...

NavyandWhite · 29/04/2017 09:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

JigglyTuff · 29/04/2017 09:50

RedSky - do you lie about why you need to go out though? Would you get angry with your partner if they asked you not to?

ptumbi · 29/04/2017 09:53

RedSky - surely you'd jsut say ' I need to get out for a quick walk, alone for 20 minutes'

And go. Would you make excuse after excuse?

JaneEyre70 · 29/04/2017 09:54

Could you see if you could find his mobile phone bill??

RedSkyAtNight · 29/04/2017 09:55

I don't lie about where I'm going but I will say "I'm just popping out to the shops" when I have no particular need to go to the shops but just want to get out. Which sounds very much like what OP's DH is doing.

And yes, I would get angry with my DH if he told me I couldn't go out (unless, obviously there was a particular good reason for me not to) - I don't think one partner dictating what the other can or can't do is at all healthy in a relationship.

kittybiscuits · 29/04/2017 09:56

God no - if your partner wants to have an affair you should let them - otherwise that's controlling Hmm

LookingThroughGaryGilmoresEyes · 29/04/2017 09:58

I don't think that 10 or 20 minutes is really long enough for an illicit encounter. Not a very satisfying one anyway!

Even a phone call would be a short one.

Maybe he just needs to get out of the house and get a bit of fresh air.

ZaZathecat · 29/04/2017 09:59

Red Sky it sounds like OP only asked him not to go out for once after he's started making up lots of unlikely reasons why he 'had to'. Then he got angry. This sounds way too defensive. why wouldn't he (or you) just truthfully say he just needs a bit of fresh air or whatever?

ptumbi · 29/04/2017 10:05

RedSky - if you need a bit of alone time, you should say that's what you want. Don't make excuses. MAke excuseslie and you will find that your partner gets suspicious because you are not doing what you said you are ie not going to the shops, you are just walking.

loverlybunchofcoconuts · 29/04/2017 10:05

He may enjoy a time out, but then why not just say 'I want some fresh air'? The need to make an excuse is what I'd find odd personally.
I don't think its necessarily sinister tho - some people just don't like mentioning how they feel as a reason, and seem to think they should have a concrete reason (at work, he may feel he needs a specific reason to pop out).
My DM always needed to drop something round to us, which was never important or urgent, but she wasn't comfortable admitting she just wanted to see us.

If you have asked him why he needs to go out the first couple of times, he may well just be in the habit of having a reason, to get 10 mins to himself (which I can relate to, often need some breathing space, even from people I love dearly!).

I would be careful of jumping to conclusions and getting too controlling about where he can go, and when - I'd struggle to deal with someone acting like that, and it'd make me feel quite trapped.

Meandyouandyouandme · 29/04/2017 10:09

And I'm not paranoid Redsky, my tech unsavvy H doesn't realise I can see his photos via my photo stream.

RedSkyAtNight · 29/04/2017 10:10

Maybe he did? (OP's not listed his "excuses"). Why does he need to justify himself anyway?

In our house the conversation would go:

Me: I'm just going to pop out for 10 minutes
DH: OK, see you in a bit

Perhaps I am projecting but for a very long time I didn't tell DH that the main reason for my "walks" was to destress rather than going to the shops/dropping something off at a friends/posting a letter/whatever other reason I could think of. Because his method of destressing is to watch TV while surrounded by the family and he genuinely didn't get why I'd want to go out away from everyone and thought this must mean there was something wrong with him that meant I didn't want to be around him.

I can quite easily see that I would have reacted in exactly the same way as OP's DH if I'd suddenly had a cross examination about why I wanted to go out.

loverlybunchofcoconuts · 29/04/2017 10:11

PPs are suggesting he's lying and not going where he said, but I can't see where that came from. OP specifically said on first page:
He always come back with whatever he went for.
People seem very keen to convince the OP that her DH is doing something terrible, even if that means changing the facts!

LookingThroughGaryGilmoresEyes · 29/04/2017 10:11

kitty But you can't control another person or their behaviour. All you can do is choose how you react/respond to it.

You can't stop someone from going out. If you think/discover they are having an affair, you have a choice to make, but you can't stop them from going.

rizlett · 29/04/2017 10:16

What about if you suggest he bathes the DC's and you nip out for whatever it is he feels he needs? Would he be angry just the same?

Or how about he does the cooking and you ask for 20 mins to yourself for a walk?

Meandyouandyouandme · 29/04/2017 10:17

No, I don't think some of us are suggesting that the DH is lying, just giving our experiences of similar behaviours.

SandyY2K · 29/04/2017 10:23

I often nip out to run errands in the evenings, but if I was going for cash and my DH offered some, I'd be quite happy to not go.

I wouldn't get angry about it.

I also agree with it being secret smoking, drinking, eating or phoning someone he doesn't want you to know about.

I don't think taking the phone in itself would be suspicious of as I don't leave the house without mine ever, unless accidentally.

If you have access to his phone, have a look and see his call log and text messages or apps.

You could also try texting him during the day and asking if there's anything he wants you to get, as you're just in the shops at the moment.

loverlybunchofcoconuts · 29/04/2017 10:24

What about if you suggest he bathes the DC's and you nip out for whatever it is he feels he needs? Would he be angry just the same?
Not sure what that would achieve - we know he wants to go out, so he probably wouldn't like that idea much - it wouldn't indicate anything new about WHY he want to pop out...
Honestly OP, there are lots of us who just need 10 mins to ourselves sometimes, tendntoncome up with a reason so people won't take it personally, and would prob feel a bit cross and uncomfortable if someone was asking us not to, and coming up with other solutions. Its not sinister in itself - I can understand it seems odd to people who don't feel like that, but its really common (and I have never, ever been up to anything dodgy, and usually don't really need whatever I've popped out for either!).

peripericardium · 29/04/2017 10:26

I would be annoyed if I wanted to go to the shops and someone insisted on giving me the money, and told me I didn't need to go. It would feel very controlling.

NavyandWhite · 29/04/2017 10:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PhyllisNights · 29/04/2017 10:35

I love the 141 suggestion. Nothing better than catching someone out.

I'd be tempted to try and follow him. Perhaps have a neighbour pop round quickly to look after the kids, and then you can dash out and follow him from a distance.

MrsChopper · 29/04/2017 10:38

The fact he got so angry speaks volumes.

I am guessing he is a gambler but he tries to hide his tracks by going to the bookies and paying in cash.

peripericardium · 29/04/2017 10:41

How is it controlling offering your money to someone that was going to the bank?

Normally that would be seen as helpful.

It depends on the relationship, and we only have OP's side. My controlling ex would do things like that because he didn't want me to go outside and potentially meet other men. It was always couched in helpfulness but I knew why he really did it.

burnoutbabe · 29/04/2017 10:46

If he wanted "a break" after work, why not just suggest a 30 min walk/run AFTER kids have been bathed and after eating.

Its the getting out of all evening chores that sounds annoying? Or he could just come home 30 mins later to get his breather? Or have 30 mins in bedroom to game/watch tv/do whatever with no interruptions.

There are plenty of ways one could get downtime/alone time without worrying their partner like this. That is why people have sheds!