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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Angry husband, what he hiding?

212 replies

Carrotpuree · 29/04/2017 07:55

My DH has been extra special lovely this last few days so was really looking forward to last night, glass of wine after DC went to bed. He said he needed to get some cash out for haircut first thing tomorrow but when I said I already had some in he could take he started making up reasons to still need to go tonight - none sensible. Then I said could he just stay in for one evening without going to the shop or the ATM and he absolutely exploded. He goes out during DCs bath time to run a errand 2/3 nights a week and then often goes out to run a 2nd after their bedtime while I'm cooking. I'm starting to get paranoid and judging by his reaction I think I may be right. DS woke up and so we both had a moment to step back so when DH returned I said sod it walk to the shop & get the cash, not sure how much I have a anyway (lie) and he went into stroppy toy taken off toddler mode. Won't go at all now etc etc WTF? I know him, angry attack is his defensive response. Any suggestions on how to recover the long weekend (he decided to sleep on the sofa) and get to the bottom of this?

OP posts:
PoorYorick · 29/04/2017 08:31

Judging by the times, sounds like he wants to opt out of family duties.

RainbowsAndUnicorn · 29/04/2017 08:31

Maybe he likes a little fresh air if stuck in all day at work.

His response could be simply that he's not a child and doesn't need permission to go out or be told he has to stay in.

If it was the other way round and you needed ten minutes fresh air and alone time a day and he said no and accused you of all sorts would you be happy?

Hellobye · 29/04/2017 08:32

Well why doesn't he just say he's going out for some fresh air instead of making up excuses and then getting angry?

MrsELM21 · 29/04/2017 08:33

Hmm agree it does sound a bit strange, also agree with trying to get a look at his phone or call when he's out

HashiAsLarry · 29/04/2017 08:35

He may enjoy a time out, but then why not just say 'I want some fresh air'? The need to make an excuse is what I'd find odd personally.

If the DC have been playing up I often take a short trip out of an evening btw, but then I tell DH I just want a breather.

bebox · 29/04/2017 08:35

My next door neighbour did this, I often saw him on his phone by the time he got to the corner. He was having an affair.

Renaissance2017 · 29/04/2017 08:36

Possibly going out to get away from a wife that's always asking him questions?

HorraceTheOtter · 29/04/2017 08:37

I did this when secretly smoking. Always with a coat, scarfor and hat, so as soon as I took them off there was no smell of smoke (yes, really, rabid anti smoker DH didn't notice for a year).

JigglyTuff · 29/04/2017 08:38

Drugs or sex.

spottysuperted · 29/04/2017 08:40

Another former secret smoker - I agree, you can avoid the smells

kittybiscuits · 29/04/2017 08:40

I'd say phoning someone. The comment about being alone with his thoughts is hilarious. The rage when faced with an obstacle to his plan is a dead giveaway, as you know OP.

FrenchLavender · 29/04/2017 08:41

He's either smoking, picking up drugs or alcohol or phoning/texting someone. I'd put money on it.

Are you usually highly attuned to the smell of cigarette smoke on someone's breath or not? Smoking outside in the cold night air makes it smell particularly strong and loathsome when they comeback inside so if that's it I think it would be easy to get near enough to smell him as soon as he comes in.

And that would be your best case scenario I'm afraid.

Nowwhatsthis · 29/04/2017 08:41

My anti-smoking DP didn't notice I was for quite a few months, so yes there's definitely ways of getting rid of the smell.

HashiAsLarry · 29/04/2017 08:41

Alternatively could he be vaping rather than smoking? There's no lingering smell the same way.

FrenchLavender · 29/04/2017 08:42

spotty I am not sure you can, unless at least 20-30 mins has lapsed. Even then a smokers breath ALWAYS smells like a smokers breath, if they are smoking daily.

FrenchLavender · 29/04/2017 08:44

Next time he's distracted, go through the pockets of his coat.

Renaissance2017 · 29/04/2017 08:47

I wonder what would be said if a man questioned a woman in the same way, or went through her phone, pockets or tried to control her movements? Would the phrase used be LTB?

mycavitiesareempty · 29/04/2017 08:47

Is he a gambler?

Fluffybrain · 29/04/2017 08:50

Sounds like you are suspicious. So check his email, internet history, phone for texts, WhatsApp, call history etc. Could you get someone to watch your kids while you follow him when he goes out? Sleeping on the sofa was a sign too. The anger was a total overreaction to a small reasonable request from you.

MudCity · 29/04/2017 08:51

Is he protective over his phone OP? This sort of behaviour reeks of someone making calls.

strawberryblondebint · 29/04/2017 08:52

Booze maybe. Is he having a sneaky drink?

FrenchLavender · 29/04/2017 08:53

If a man told the same story as the OP I'd be saying the same thing. But I am aware that on MN many people wouldn't.

Cricrichan · 29/04/2017 08:56

Next time, say that you need a few bits too so you'll go instead. If he's happy then he might just need you to be away so he can phone at will.

Vegansnake · 29/04/2017 08:58

Is he putting weight on? He could be stuffing down food while out

BeMorePanda · 29/04/2017 08:58

XP used to do this. He was making "private" calls and/or meeting his coke dealer 😮