My partner is upset I now earn more than him?!

[Jessema12]

I have recently been promoted to a management job, which has increased my salary. I also work for my father doing some admin work at home for his construction business. I decided to do both jobs as they pay well and I really enjoy both. However, due to me getting a promotion, it now means I earn more than my partner. We have had so many arguments over it. He's now said to me that I either quit one of my jobs or he will leave me. This has really upset me, as before me getting the promotion we were financially struggling, so I can't quit the hotel job. However, I can't quit the job for my father as not only does he pay me well, he pays for our dd to go to private school (my mother wanted her to go to private as she picks her up every day from school and the school is a 5 minute walk from their house). I don't know what to do, be financially unstable to please him or to leave him, which I can't see myself doing! How do I come about this?

Jessema - I've read all of your posts, and I really believe that there is no point in "discussing" things with him any further. What you have in front of you is a simple choice: stay, or leave. That's entirely up to you. Don't involve him in your decision-making.

You cannot have discussions with abusers like this. They don't discuss, they manipulate to serve their own ends. He is abusive. He will never change. This is who he is. The only choices are to stay or leave.

Yes, you do need to get your head straight, lovely. But I think when you do, you'll realize that you don't need to talk to him about it again. What on earth difference will talking again do? I think you are like I used to be, you think if you only can say the 'right' words that he'll magically see the light and say "Oh of course! How unreasonable of me!!". But trust me, that doesn't EVER happen. I beat my own head against that stone wall for years before I realized that my truth is my truth and that if someone else can't see that, it's not for me to convince them. It's for me to be in a place where I can live my truth.

Please stop beating your head against that wall. Just accept your parent's offer and leave.

You have wonderful parents. Very supportive and understanding. I bet they've been waiting for you to see him for what he is, but didn't want to interfere.

A load will be lifted from your mind when you leave him.

I'm so rooting for you. You and your DD deserves so much better than him.

Good luck.

Ducks in a row time then

It sounds to me as if he chose to make a fuss about the dance classes to deflect from the uncomfortable truths you were saying to him. I really cannot for the life of me see how it can conceivably be an issue for your daughter to be able to access good classes, only an arsehole could make it into a big deal.

You're very lucky your parents can offer you accommodation.

The worst thing you posted I thought, was the bit about having to manage your working from home so as still being able to give him enough attention

Well done! You sound great, your parents sound great, I'm sure your daughter will turn out wonderfully. Your dh is a deadweight. Remember you don't have to convince him- you can decide this whether he agrees or not.

It seems he resents your proactive strategy towards life. You are more effective than him. He doesn't like you because of that. Do you ever beat him at a game? Bet he doesn't take too well to that either.

He will always move the goal post to have some sort of stick to beat you with. Working hard. Organizing things. Mothering your child. There is a fault in everything.

Going behind his back, now? This is looking desperate. He'll criticize the way you walk across a room next, or
the way you breathe.

There is no talking to him. His reptile brain has somehow been programmed to put the wife down to keep her in her place. He isn't listening to you. He isn't looking at what you are doing in a way to appreciate anything-all he can consider is himself. As such he can not see "couple" or "team". It is like you are someone at work he has to compete with...not sure what the objective is in that- well, pure ego supply at your expense (and your dd's expense in the future).

Take up your parents' offer. Don't wait for more talking at him (not really "with" him is it?) to get done before you go. Talk can happen later. It's just lip service from him any way-given the way he treats you. I doubt it will be too hard to emotionally disconnect from him.

Good luck. You sound great and no doubt have a bright future ahead of you without him sabotaging your life.

Well done OP! You parents sound fab.

He'll not ever see your point of view, all he sees is him being in the right and you in the wrong. You could chat til you're blue in the face.

Take your parents up on their offer and start afresh.

Good luck.

So he is happy for his insecurity / jealousy to make is family be in a worse finanvial position than yhey need to be AND to control his wife's career and happiness AND ser such a poor example to your dc...

He needs to grow up and get overhimself. Dont give up either job!

As a man I can say that I'd be delighted if my OH earned more than me - more money all round! In fact as someone who (happily) supports a mature student, I'm looking forward to it...

In my opinion, if someone can be angry at you rather than supportive when you succeed in life, at anything, you should question their character.

The reason he was more upset about the dance was he is turning it round to you are in the wrong...This is classic behaviour.

Good for you for having the conversation ..What do you hope to achieve by talking again?

AcrossthePond you think if you only can say the 'right' words that he'll magically see the light and say "Oh of course! How unreasonable of me!!". But trust me, that doesn't EVER happen. I beat my own head against that stone wall for years before I realized that my truth is my truth and that if someone else can't see that, it's not for me to convince them. It's for me to be in a place where I can live my truth.

This! That absolutely strikes a chord with me. I spent years of an unhappy marriage trying to make Ex understand how he made me feel. I then spent years after it desperately trying to make him understand the affect his behaviour had on our children when he let them down, failed to pay maintenance, broke promises to them, etc. I spent years believing if I could just find the right words... that he would somehow get it...that a lightbulb would go off in his head...that he would SEE what he had done.

Sadly Across is absolutely right. He'll never see. Never accept he's wrong. Never admit he's an arse. Refuse to acknowledge any guilt. Any responsibility. Any understanding. He just doesn't care. And I would absolutely recommend you get out now. No discussion will change anything.

Is it bevause your parents are paying for private school and until now he could say that he is 'the man' at home? But now he feels emasculated because he doesnt matter anymore?