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Original poster

My partner is upset I now earn more than him?!

216 replies

Jessema12 · 16/04/2017 00:06

I have recently been promoted to a management job, which has increased my salary. I also work for my father doing some admin work at home for his construction business. I decided to do both jobs as they pay well and I really enjoy both. However, due to me getting a promotion, it now means I earn more than my partner. We have had so many arguments over it. He's now said to me that I either quit one of my jobs or he will leave me. This has really upset me, as before me getting the promotion we were financially struggling, so I can't quit the hotel job. However, I can't quit the job for my father as not only does he pay me well, he pays for our dd to go to private school (my mother wanted her to go to private as she picks her up every day from school and the school is a 5 minute walk from their house). I don't know what to do, be financially unstable to please him or to leave him, which I can't see myself doing! How do I come about this?

OP posts:
Ceto · 16/04/2017 13:28

He is very strict on money, everything I buy has to go by him first, whereas he can buy things for a large amount and won't tell me. I am thinking of leaving him, I'm just too scared to actually do it.

Classic sign of financial abuse. He's not upset about you earning more than him because he's "embarrassed", it's because he's shit scared that it might lessen his control over you.

Why on earth be scared of leaving him? You clearly don't need him financially, and frankly he sounds a pretty pathetic excuse of a man. Further, the fact that he puts his need for control over your daughter's best interests demonstrates that he's a lousy father. Your life would be greatly improved by having him out of it.

So call his bluff, tell him you're not giving up either job and offer to help him pack. Then consult a lawyer tomorrow about your rights to the house and maintenance for your child.

ShiroiKoibito · 16/04/2017 13:33

Crikey he's an arse!!

Get out now

PushingThru · 16/04/2017 13:49

He rid of this cunt. He hates women and he hates you.

PushingThru · 16/04/2017 13:50

He's even trying to hold your daughter back.

OnionKnight · 16/04/2017 13:53

Tell him to fuck off.

I'd love it if my wife earnt more than me or even the same as me, it'd mean that there's less pressure on me.

Cherrysoup · 16/04/2017 14:00

Interesting drop feed, OP. So he can do as he likes, but you can't? And he's OK for your dd to go to private school but not the better dance school? Conflicting.

You have to give him time when he wants it at home? I couldn't live with such a control freak.

zombiesarecoming · 16/04/2017 14:00

What a fucking bellend

Have only skim read op but did see you say you are thinking of leaving him, do it, he is clearly a twat of the highest order

BlessYourCottonSocks · 16/04/2017 14:02

End this now! Stop tiptoeing around the twat, look him straight in the eye and say 'you're right, darling - you are failing as a husband and father and you need to leave. Off you fuck now'.

redwinewhine · 16/04/2017 14:08

Sadly this is something that I suffered from several years ago. I earn what would be considered a very good salary, but my partner through tremendous hard work managed to overtake my earnings.

It was a situation that I wasn't used to, and although I outwardly expressed only happiness and support, there was a part of me that struggled with this fact. The crazy thing is her salary is roughly only about a about quarter more than mine, but the feelings of being inadequate were there.

What I soon realised was my feelings definitely didn't come from the fact that a women was out earning me, it came from an extremely unhealthy competitive streak that had been installed in me from a very early age. The only place that mattered was 1st place sort of attitude. I quickly learnt how ridiculous and toxic this kind of thinking was, but it did take some serious self-reflection to get there.

Your partner needs to realise that you are a team. It doesn't matter which one of you does something that manages to improve the life of your family unit, all that matters is that it has been improved. His attitude needs to change and needs to change fast.

GeekyWombat · 16/04/2017 15:38

Please give serious consideration to leaving OP. I'm not usually an LTB type poster, but if there's few positives / happy moments with him generally in life then it definitely bears thinking about. You and your daughter deserve better.

pointythings · 16/04/2017 15:39

Don't be afraid to leave him. You are in a great position, you have financial stability. Lose the twat and find yourself a real man who loves and respects all of you and will cheer on your every success - and your DD's.

0live · 16/04/2017 15:46

So you have a good income, job security, a supportive family and an arsehole of a partner who is threatening to leave?

What exactly is your problem ? Just let him go.

Peanutbuttercheese · 16/04/2017 15:49

My childhood sweetheart was like this, apart from other issues one was that I earned more than him. I left him after we had been together 11 years. It was hard as I really thought we would be a forever thing but I'm so glad I did.

FeckTheMagicDragon · 16/04/2017 15:50

If he loved you he would be proud of you, and support you. As it stands he controls what you spend, but not his spending, controls positive choices for your DD, and still leaves you to do all the housework? What does he do aside from going to work?

Hes insecure and is taking it out on you. Hes also probably worried that you can leave and is trying to push you back into financial uncertainty to prevent that.

You are a an equal person in your own right. You have a right to achieve whatever is within your abilities. Being married should help you achieve these normal, healthy ambitions, not undermine them.

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 16/04/2017 16:51

I am thinking of leaving him, I'm just too scared to actually do it.
What are you scared of?

KatharinaRosalie · 16/04/2017 17:18

So he's also controlling your every move. And despite you outearning him, you do the housework and cooking? All of it? While he naps and goes to gym?
What does he actually add to your life? He does not sound that terribly nice, loving and supportive.

AcrossthePond55 · 16/04/2017 17:43

If you're thinking of leaving him, speak to your parents. I have a feeling they've been waiting to hear that for ages!

Janeofalltrades1 · 16/04/2017 18:43

Tell him to get a better paid job then!

Starlight2345 · 16/04/2017 18:54

I agree with Across the pond... I bet they will support you in any way you can.

It is painfully clear now why he wants you to give up the job, firstly isolate you from the family but ultimately it makes you financially independent of him..

The fact you have to work around when he need attention.. I bet he doesn't do housework either as that is women's work.

This is not a partnership..I suspect once you start thinking about it there will be lots of emotional abuse not just financial.

The fact he doesn't want his money spent on DD is also an indicator of how he feels about all females.

NancyWake · 16/04/2017 19:08

You're in really strong position to leave him. You have two good jobs, supportive parents paying school fees, it's win win.

expatinscotland · 16/04/2017 19:10

'I'm still able to put my dd to bed every night, make dinner for us, do the housework, etc. It's just a very difficult time, which I know it shouldn't be as we are now no longer in financial struggles, however he is making it very hard for us as a family.'

Because he's a financially abusive cunt.

You might be able to kick him out, but either way, he needs cut loose.

taptonaria27 · 16/04/2017 19:18

I'm the complete opposite of you as a sahm but I would still say that he is totally in the wrong and needs to hange drastically and quickly or be left.

Cynara · 16/04/2017 19:19

Fuck. Him. Off. He sounds utterly awful, not only to you, but towards his own daughter. He's an insecure, controlling, desperately unhappy little man, which obviously is very sad for him and I'm sorry for whatever has happened to make him this way, but frankly that is just not your problem and not your responsibility to fix. You have one life. Make the most of it and cut him loose so you can fulfil your potential and allow your DD to do the same.

SnugglyBedSocks · 16/04/2017 19:31

Oh OP... it really does not seem a happy marriage. You are scared of him and his reactions.

You appear to be in a fortunate position with supportive parents. Would they give you a balanced viewpoint of your situation?

He really sounds awful

Original poster
Jessema12 · 16/04/2017 19:39

Thank you for all the support, I truly appreciate it all. I have decided to talk to my mother this week about the situation, and then will see from their. I know I'm going to have to leave him, I'm just worried how to do it, I'm scared of what his reaction will be, the custody thing of my dd, and genuinely the future.

OP posts:
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