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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My partner is upset I now earn more than him?!

216 replies

Jessema12 · 16/04/2017 00:06

I have recently been promoted to a management job, which has increased my salary. I also work for my father doing some admin work at home for his construction business. I decided to do both jobs as they pay well and I really enjoy both. However, due to me getting a promotion, it now means I earn more than my partner. We have had so many arguments over it. He's now said to me that I either quit one of my jobs or he will leave me. This has really upset me, as before me getting the promotion we were financially struggling, so I can't quit the hotel job. However, I can't quit the job for my father as not only does he pay me well, he pays for our dd to go to private school (my mother wanted her to go to private as she picks her up every day from school and the school is a 5 minute walk from their house). I don't know what to do, be financially unstable to please him or to leave him, which I can't see myself doing! How do I come about this?

OP posts:
HRHTiggyD · 16/04/2017 10:00

Show him this thread.

He'll either storm off or apologise. A win-win.

Naicehamshop · 16/04/2017 10:02

Let him go op. Nothing more to say.

StillStayingClassySanDiego · 16/04/2017 10:06

Don't show him the thread.

It's bad advice and won't make a jot of difference.

Alfiemoon1 · 16/04/2017 10:11

He's being ridiculous call his bluff. who cares who earns what. His upbringing has nothing to do with it as he has no problem with u working as long as u don't earn more than him. If u are happy working both jobs why should u stop just because he's an insecure arse

HRHTiggyD · 16/04/2017 10:13

He's currently thinking that most people would agree with him. "Man=breadwinner etc etc". This thread will point out that that's wrong.

Herschellmum · 16/04/2017 10:25

Do not quit your job! Let him catch up with 2017 or let him leave, but you do what is right for you and your daughter. Enjoy your holiday too.

I've never quite understood the my money your money thing, but I appreciate everyone is different. For my family it works one account, it's all our money. We make decisions together. If I earnt more it would just be more of our Money, he would have just as much autonomy over it as me, so it would never be me booking a holiday, but us booking a holiday of you see what I mean? I think it gives both of us equal grounding, especially in our case where I've mostly been at home with the kids but don't feel or less worth because we just see it as different roles and all our money. However I'm not saying that what you should do, you should only do what works for you, but I imagine if he feels like a "kept" " man it could cause resentment, but his reaction has left me with no sympathy whatsoever and I think you should do what she right for you, not him, seen as he's making threats to you!

Good luck, don't quit!

Topseyt · 16/04/2017 10:25

Showing a twat a thread about them is generally very bad advice.

They won't suddenly have an epiphany, see the error of their ways and mend them. They are much more likely to become even more defensive and dismissive, and in some cases they may even lash out physically if they feel threatened (not saying that that would definitely happen here, only the OP knows her partner).

BIWI · 16/04/2017 10:54
Hmm
alltouchedout · 16/04/2017 10:57

That is weird. I now earn more than dh and he is very happy that our family money has increased. If I doubled my salary tomorrow he'd be delighted. We've always had a one pot approach so it has never mattered what proportion of income each of us has brought in, it's all ours equally.

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 16/04/2017 10:59

Is completely ignoring that anything was ever said an option for you?

Carry on regardless as if he had never come out with such twaddle.

He has a problem. It is entirely his problem. You play no part in the solution to his problem. It lives entirely within his own head.

Presumably he has other twattish behaviours he blames on you too?

ChocChocPorridge · 16/04/2017 11:10

He has a bit of a disconnect that would worry me (and certainly would make me keep both jobs even if I didn't enjoy them!)

If he thinks that earning less makes him less, what does it mean he thinks of you if you were to give up all your jobs and earn nothing?

noego · 16/04/2017 11:14

Showing him this thread is not going to re-wire his neurons. He has been programmed and conditioned to think kike this from a very early age. He has been taught to objectify women throughout his life.

Ceto · 16/04/2017 11:20

He's being illogical anyway. Even if you went along with what he says, the fact would still remain that you are capable of earning more than him, so the alleged embarrassment would still be there. And it would be compounded by the fact that the family is struggling financially purely because he had blackmailed you into that position.

Offred · 16/04/2017 11:34

The mistake you are making there is that he doesn't think women (or men) are 'people'. By 'people' he means real men or only men that agree with him.

Offred · 16/04/2017 11:37

What he is really saying is 'I demand you make yourself smaller and less important than me because if you don't how will people understand I am more important than everyone'

Offred · 16/04/2017 11:38

You have a dd. This man will only teach her negative things about men. He is not a good father.

neonrainbow · 16/04/2017 11:39

Never mind him leaving you, you should leave him.

Luttrell · 16/04/2017 12:09

What a massive bellend. Try and relish the sense of relief that you no longer have to be with this reject. And that if you have kids you can protect them from his damaging views.

Financial independence is so valuable and men who continue to try and prevent it can die out alone and miserable like the relics they are.

SuperSkyRocketing · 16/04/2017 12:25

Please leave him. His behaviour is utterly pathetic misogynistic rubbish

Pollydonia · 16/04/2017 12:38

Hahahaha, what a twat. I earn over twice what dh does but it all goes into the pot . Tell him to grow the fuck up or fuck the fuck off( channel your inner Malcolm Tucker)

Original poster
Jessema12 · 16/04/2017 13:10

I have very good working hours, especially with the job for my father. I sometimes work at home, which annoys him a lot, but I now collide it when he is asleep in the mornings at the weekend, or when he goes to the gym, so I can give my attention to him when he is at home. I'm still able to put my dd to bed every night, make dinner for us, do the housework, etc. It's just a very difficult time, which I know it shouldn't be as we are now no longer in financial struggles, however he is making it very hard for us as a family. I see my money that I earn, as the family's money. It's a very upsetting time. Also, I'm now able to afford to get my daughter into a very good dance school, which is a bit more pricey than the average dance school she was going too, she's very good and we were told to put her in this very impressive dance school, but he was so against me putting her into the school. So I have actually had to go behind his back, and put her into the school, my mother takes her 3 nights a week after school. My parents even said that if I can't afford the dance fees, they will step up to pay, I'm just so anxious to tell him I put her in the school, but I didn't want to hold her back. He is very strict on money, everything I buy has to go by him first, whereas he can buy things for a large amount and won't tell me. I am thinking of leaving him, I'm just too scared to actually do it.

OP posts:
LuxuryWoman2017 · 16/04/2017 13:17

Sounds scarier to stay with this financially abusive misogynist than stay to me. Given your latest update he sound appalling. A terrible role model for your child. He is not the boss. Don't allow him to be the boss.

LuxuryWoman2017 · 16/04/2017 13:18

Leave not stay sorry.

Offred · 16/04/2017 13:23

He's a horrendously abusive prick.

You need to find the strength to leave - for your dd if not for you.

AcrossthePond55 · 16/04/2017 13:23

He sounds worse and worse! You have 'focus on him'? He doesn't want your DD placed where she has the best chance to develop her own talent? You have to 'run every thing by him?

Exactly what are YOU getting out of this marriage?

And more importantly, what on earth would you lose by ending it?