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Original poster

My partner is upset I now earn more than him?!

216 replies

Jessema12 · 16/04/2017 00:06

I have recently been promoted to a management job, which has increased my salary. I also work for my father doing some admin work at home for his construction business. I decided to do both jobs as they pay well and I really enjoy both. However, due to me getting a promotion, it now means I earn more than my partner. We have had so many arguments over it. He's now said to me that I either quit one of my jobs or he will leave me. This has really upset me, as before me getting the promotion we were financially struggling, so I can't quit the hotel job. However, I can't quit the job for my father as not only does he pay me well, he pays for our dd to go to private school (my mother wanted her to go to private as she picks her up every day from school and the school is a 5 minute walk from their house). I don't know what to do, be financially unstable to please him or to leave him, which I can't see myself doing! How do I come about this?

OP posts:
CactusFred · 16/04/2017 08:24

Who will even know that you earn more?

Why are you with this idiot? How petty!

KatharinaRosalie · 16/04/2017 08:26

If he feels that he needs to earn more than you, then he should get a better paid job. Demanding that you give up yours is just absurd.

I would tell him no. He won't leave you. Which is a shame really, as he does not sound like a supportive partner, does he?

upperlimit · 16/04/2017 08:28

Actually, (and here I am surprising myself because this post directly contradicts another post of mine on AIBU) I think I'd pack his bags for him.

TwoLeftSocks · 16/04/2017 08:29

Not much to add other than don't quit your jobs. As others have said, he's not the boss of you. And make sure you go and enjoy your holiday, with or without him!

iamavodkadrinker · 16/04/2017 08:37

Pack the cunts bags for him. What exactly do you get out of a relationship with such a wanker?

carabos · 16/04/2017 08:41

XH was exactly like this and was backed up by his parents who didn't believe it was possible or desirable that a woman could earn more than a man.

DH refers to me as the golden goose. Which is why he's "D" and the other is "X".

notadutchie · 16/04/2017 08:45

Wow. So he married you "for better or worse"..as long as your income isn't better than his?

He should be happy and proud of and for you. That you're having arguments about it is awful. I'm sure he's a great guy in other ways, that he's a great partner in other ways, but he's just telling you you're not good enough based on money.

Whatever happens, please don't give any work up. He can suck it up, get therapy about HIS issues or leave, because the only other option - time travel back to the 1950s - isn't available to him.

WellErrr · 16/04/2017 08:47

Good grief.

rumblingDMexploitingbstds · 16/04/2017 08:47

If his ego and sense of self is so fragile that he'd end his relationship he feels so threatened, then he has a major problem. He's in urgent need of a good therapist.

If he is saying that your relationship depends on limiting your life and not getting above yourself so you can maintain him in his own mind as the more successful and more financially powerful one in the provider role - why would he think you or anyone would want to be in that relationship?

PoorYorick · 16/04/2017 08:48

He's now said to me that I either quit one of my jobs or he will leave me.

Use your hard earned salary to get some removals people in to take out his stuff.

It's arsehole removal tax, and whatever it costs, it is worth it.

TalkingofMichaelAngel0 · 16/04/2017 08:51

upperlimit Grin

SpringTown46 · 16/04/2017 08:55

Do you love him? Then suggest to him that counselling is needed to keep your relationship balanced and sound.

Did you discuss the holiday or did you just book it without talking to him and treating him as an equal partner with an equal say?

On the face of it, he is being an arse. Has your attitude perhaps shifted too, though? Although his reaction is totally not acceptable, is there more background?

Starlight2345 · 16/04/2017 08:55

Obviously it makes no sense to quit a job as he isn't your boss.

How will he deal with it..It may make life very miserable if he stays with his resentfulness.

Grow the fuck up would be my response.

ememem84 · 16/04/2017 08:58

That's awful. There was a time I earned more than dh. He wasn't ashamed of it. Never threatened to leave. Was grateful that I was earning more and could afford the mortgage etc while he took a huge pay cut to retrain. He's now an accountant. And earns more than me (albeit only a bit more).

He would never have threatened to leave.

PurpleWithRed · 16/04/2017 09:02

I have nothing to add other than what every single other person here has said. His (misplaced) pride is more important to him than his family's wellbeing? Really?

Logolphin · 16/04/2017 09:08

Is he controlling on other ways?

c3pu · 16/04/2017 09:10

Work out how much the CMS would charge him for maintenance, then show him...

TheNaze73 · 16/04/2017 09:18

Kick him out. He's an embarrassment

Joysmum · 16/04/2017 09:21

What concerns me is that he sees the worth of anyone as being based on their earnings, not what they do in life or who they are.

By inference this means he saw himself as better than you rather than equal to you. That's not a relationship I'd want to be in.

When I got together with my now dh, I out earned him by 6 times. Now I'm a wahm and his income is 7 times that of mine.

Is he a better person because he earns more, am I now beneath him because I earn less?

I'm sorry but such a facile attitude to stealth worth and valuing the person you supposedly love would make me realise how little I was worth to him. I'd be out of there as such deepseated prejudice can't be changed.

Starlighter · 16/04/2017 09:29

How insecure is he?! Let him leave! Unbelievable!

Spadequeen · 16/04/2017 09:33

My initial reaction is beat him to it and kick him out, however that's not really helpful to you

Will he go to councelling to look into why he feels this way? Or is he stuck in his mindset that it's his way or no way?

You need to have a proper conversation with him, maybe he feels that because he sees himself as less of a man, you might do too. Ridiculous I know but you can't trivialise his feelings.

Or he could just be a massive knob

CaptainBrickbeard · 16/04/2017 09:40

Don't let him come on the holiday; he will ruin it for you. Do you honestly believe he would allow it to be a success? I can't fathom out his thought process here at all but he sounds ridiculous and incredibly selfish.

pinkyredrose · 16/04/2017 09:42

Has he always been sexist?

StillStayingClassySanDiego · 16/04/2017 09:48

I know it's all been said but I'm going to say it again.

He's happy for your dad to pay for your dd's education but us a whiney bastard because you earn more than him?, what a twat!

I bet there are other areas where he has shown twattish behaviour towards you.

Let him go, you'll manage without him.

NancyWake · 16/04/2017 09:55

For all the calls to dump him, I would start with explaining the 21st century to him, that equality means just that, it does not mean that he is less than you simply because you now earn more. I would suggest he gets therapy to work through this insecurities and control issues including wanting you to be a sahm. He must understand that your marriage is on the line if he can't sort himself out.

Whatever you do, do not be tempted to pack in working for your father to appease him.