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Original poster

My partner is upset I now earn more than him?!

216 replies

Jessema12 · 16/04/2017 00:06

I have recently been promoted to a management job, which has increased my salary. I also work for my father doing some admin work at home for his construction business. I decided to do both jobs as they pay well and I really enjoy both. However, due to me getting a promotion, it now means I earn more than my partner. We have had so many arguments over it. He's now said to me that I either quit one of my jobs or he will leave me. This has really upset me, as before me getting the promotion we were financially struggling, so I can't quit the hotel job. However, I can't quit the job for my father as not only does he pay me well, he pays for our dd to go to private school (my mother wanted her to go to private as she picks her up every day from school and the school is a 5 minute walk from their house). I don't know what to do, be financially unstable to please him or to leave him, which I can't see myself doing! How do I come about this?

OP posts:
Naicehamshop · 16/04/2017 19:42

Good luck with it all, op. You deserve better than this. Flowers

clarab3 · 16/04/2017 19:43

I would say that you want to go to counselling together. They can be really helpful and constructive helping with these situations. Point out to him that this is 2017 not 1957, that you are happy in your jobs and it's made all your lives financially easier and that things change and with time he might earn more and you're not going to undermine the marriage over that.

LindyHemming · 16/04/2017 19:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Sgtmajormummy · 16/04/2017 20:13

The OP's parents sound very supportive but I can't help wondering how many people there are in this partnership....

pointythings · 16/04/2017 20:34

Residency isn't decided on salary, it's decided on who does most of the care. Which is you.

0live · 16/04/2017 20:41

clara it's not reccomeded to go to couselling with an abusive partner. Most reputable relationship counsellors will not take such a couple togther, they neee to attend individually .

Cynara · 16/04/2017 20:46

Very best of luck, OP. You're obviously a hardworking, capable woman and a loving and supportive mother. I imagine that when you've got rid of the miserable drain on your energy and resources that your OH has turned out to be, you'll surprise yourself with how well you cope and how much you can achieve.

pardrej · 16/04/2017 20:52

What a cock. Bye loser 👋

FelixtheMouse · 16/04/2017 21:48

Leave him. It's a no-brainer.

fridayrain · 16/04/2017 22:19

He should not have a problem that you now earn more than him. Its ridiculous that he would give you an ultimatum.

But you say you got a bonus from your admin work for your dad. That sounds more like your dad just giving you some money under the guise of a bonus, especially if it's part time admin work you do. Then you just tell him you've booked a family holiday without consulting him. On top of your mum and dad paying the school fees, you now earning more, the 'bonus' and holiday is probably making him feel inadequate.

SandyY2K · 16/04/2017 22:32

This isn't a man you really want to stay with, so counselling as a couple is not going to help, most especially because of his controlling and manipulative behaviour.

Your partner is like a milestone around your neck. He's holding you back and doing the same to your DD.

I've no doubt that you'd be better off without him.

Is he quick to anger?

Does he ever get aggressive with you?

I reckon that he will quickly change his mind when he sees you're not backing down, but TBH, take this as a sign that you should leave him regardless. He's no more than a male chauvinist fool.

No fuss, no arguments ... No blaming... Because he'll never accept that he's wrong Simply "This relationship doesn't make me happy any more... And we both need split amicably in the best interests of DD"

I'm sending strength your way.

AcrossthePond55 · 17/04/2017 01:16

He'll bluster and threaten, I'm sure, but I'd be willing to bet that it'll all be sound and fury signifying nothing. He doesn't sound like the type who will be all that interested in taking care of a child 24/7 more than EOW.

spangleknickers · 17/04/2017 10:30

You have so much sympathy, and good advice on this thread. Talk to your mother...it's never easy to split with a partner and there is always the guilt and anguish over the child. I am in a similar situation, yet financially impoverished whist the partner is a controlling arse. You aren't married, are you? This makes a huge difference! My partner constantly threatens that he will chuck me out of the family home and seek custody of the children. I have consulted a lawyer and as I am on the deeds of the house and we share responsibility for the kids we would likely share custody. He has threatened the 'unfit mother' bit too. We are going to couples counselling (DON'T DO IT!) which is just stalling the inevitible. I have a feeling your mother will be relieved that you are considering kicking this 1950's throwback out...you may well be able to if you are on the property deeds...and buy him out with the help of your supportive parents. Don't show him this thread. He will likely cite Mumsnet as a bunch of bitter feminists (my partner feels this way) and seek support from SaveThe Male or somesuch. I am so sorry that you are with this twat. I hav a self esteem problem and seem to attract these nightmare men who, I am sure, have a radar for women who will accommodate their ridiculous narcissistic ways. I shall be going to counselling myself to see why I put up with it once I am myself again. I wish you well. You sound as if you deserve SO MUCH more, as does your daughter. Don't be scared. It will honestly be a better life in the long run. I wish I were in your position financially...you have nothing to lose, apart from a controlling, abusive anachronism of a twat

Hulder · 17/04/2017 12:03

Your parents know he's a shit, which is why they are happy to pay for the private school, do drop offs, secretly pay for dance school etc etc. They are desperately trying to prop you and the kids up knowing he keeps you strapped for cash.

They sound lovely and I'm sure will be determined to support you when you get rid of this arse.

glintwithpersperation · 17/04/2017 15:40

I'm glad you are seeking support from your parents.
I think that you know that if you gave up one of your jobs, he would find something else to criticise you about.

mydietstartsmonday · 17/04/2017 22:06

You can do this. You don't need him. Good luck

thatwouldbeanecumenicalmatter · 17/04/2017 23:26

Easy. You pack your bags for your holidays and he packs his bags for a bedsit.

Echoing what a billionty-one other PPs have said previously and LTB, it looks like you're doing fine without his input as it is.

Oh and a massive congratulations on your promotion! Wine

sems · 17/04/2017 23:33

What a dick!! Is smhe living in the 1960s? I earn 6x what my husband earns. I don't give it a shit and neither does he. Just the way the cookie has crumbled. Let him leave and don't let him hold you back

Onecutefox · 17/04/2017 23:48

OP, he sounds malicious. How can he envy you as he is your husband? Couples shouldn't envy each other because they're are not work mates but a family.

foxyloxy78 · 18/04/2017 00:02

Good decision to leave him, you can't let a man like that keep you down. Speak to your parents and get support from them. Good luck.

SparklyMagpie · 18/04/2017 09:36

Good on you OP and you can do it!

He should be fucking proud of you!! Not giving you an ultimatum

Your parents sound amazing and full of support

Good luck an think of all the extra money you will have for you and your daughter to enjoy all the nice things and holidays

Don't be scared, he's a selfish prick, just wait for him to see how hard he'll struggle financially when he won't be getting your income

Take care OP Flowers

Noodles4Me · 18/04/2017 09:52

Keep us posted Jess, but please do get rid of him. He sounds vile...what on earth does he bring to the party? No housework, no child care, shit salary and resentful about everything. Nah.

Prawnofthepatriarchy · 18/04/2017 13:39

Tell him he should be proud of you, and of himself for landing such a catch. My DH felt my career success just showed how lucky he was to be married to such an intelligent woman.

Perhaps you could ask him how he'd feel about being married to a dim, incompetent woman?

Don't back down whatever you do. If your marriage breaks down you'll need that money, as well as the sense of achievement you must quite rightly feel. What a dick he is!

Original poster
Jessema12 · 18/04/2017 16:38

Thank you to all for your supportive words. We had a chat last night, I basically said everything that was meant to be said, I told him how he needs to understand that I won't quit my jobs, that me making more than him shouldn't be a problem as It means more disposable income for our family, which we can use for holidays, desperately needed new furniture etc. I also told him that I have put my dd into the dance school. Out of the whole discussion he was more upset that I went behind his back, which really annoyed me. We ended up having a massive argument over it and haven't spoken to each other properly since last night. I need to get a clear head and try to discuss everything with him again, but I know this relationship won't last I need to get the courage to say that it's over. I have also spoken to my parents, they have told me that they think I should leave him as they can see that he makes me nervous and on edge, they also said that me and dd can stay in their coach house till I find my own place if I choose to leave him.
Thank you to all of you, you have made me realise that he isn't a very nice person, and not a good role model for my dd.

OP posts:
RunRabbitRunRabbit · 18/04/2017 17:03

If it needs discussing again, why not wait for him to initiate the discussion?

If he cares, if he is bothered about your relationship then he would try again with the discussion. One sided chasing is demeaning. Don't do it.